Jump to content

has anyone ever fudged the truth when confessing your affair to your spouse?(Updated)


Recommended Posts

Ive been doing alot of thinking. My therapist wants to start couples therapy next month.

She wont reveal that I was having an A.

I feel that it is necessary , to confess, to get the proper therapy.

 

Im really scared, that if I dont confess, that I'm going to have another affair.

 

My question, has a anyone ever not told the truth completely? Like, just say it was more of a cyber affair or only had sex once?

My A is with his friend and there is NO WAY that I would ever confess who the A was with. we were intimate 3 times. The rest of our communication was thru our Facebook.

Not that it would make it any easier on my H..... just wanted some feedback.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle
Ive been doing alot of thinking. My therapist wants to start couples therapy next month.

She wont reveal that I was having an A.

I feel that it is necessary , to confess, to get the proper therapy.

 

Im really scared, that if I dont confess, that I'm going to have another affair.

 

My question, has a anyone ever not told the truth completely? Like, just say it was more of a cyber affair or only had sex once?

My A is with his friend and there is NO WAY that I would ever confess who the A was with. we were intimate 3 times. The rest of our communication was thru our Facebook.

Not that it would make it any easier on my H..... just wanted some feedback.

 

This says it all in my book.

 

You either should confess or don't bother talking about it at all. You find much peace with have truths (not to mention keep it straight in your head).

 

If the real truth about what went on ever came to light and your husband found out that your supposed "confession" was actually another lie this will have an even greater impact on both you and your marriage.

 

Besides, you need this as much as he does if you really want to guard yourself from having another affair. By not fully and completely acknowledging and confessing to the affair as it was you're basically leaving yourself forever vulnerable.

 

It won't be pretty and your husband may be devastated but that's the price you pay for having cheated on someone you supposedly love and now want to reconcile with.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Ive been doing alot of thinking. My therapist wants to start couples therapy next month.

She wont reveal that I was having an A.

I feel that it is necessary , to confess, to get the proper therapy.

 

Im really scared, that if I dont confess, that I'm going to have another affair.

 

My question, has a anyone ever not told the truth completely? Like, just say it was more of a cyber affair or only had sex once?

My A is with his friend and there is NO WAY that I would ever confess who the A was with. we were intimate 3 times. The rest of our communication was thru our Facebook.

Not that it would make it any easier on my H..... just wanted some feedback.

 

A lot of WS lie. No point telling him you cheated but not with whom. He will drive himself crazy trying to figure out who your ap is. It will just drive him into detective mode.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle

You should confess the WHOLE truth or don't bother talking about it at all. You WON'T find much peace with have truths (not to mention keep it straight in your head).

 

Sorry...it wouldn't let me edit :(

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints

Tell the truth. Get it all on the table now. You can't rebuild a healthy long-term relationship with yourself or with your husband on half-truths and lies.

 

If your counsellor supports this method, you really need to shop for a new therapist.

 

I agree with your notion that unless you get to the root of the problem, you will cheat again. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next year, but you will.

 

You need to learn healthy coping skills and your husband has to be a part of that process. This is something you need to work on together, if you are both so inclined.

 

Fluffing your way through the process won't get you the results you want.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Tell the truth. Get it all on the table now. You can't rebuild a healthy long-term relationship with yourself or with your husband on half-truths and lies.

 

If your counsellor supports this method, you really need to shop for a new therapist.

 

I agree with your notion that unless you get to the root of the problem, you will cheat again. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next year, but you will.

 

You need to learn healthy coping skills and your husband has to be a part of that process. This is something you need to work on together, if you are both so inclined.

 

Fluffing your way through the process won't get you the results you want.

 

 

My counsellor didnt suggest this, it was just something I was thinking about.

Link to post
Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints
My counsellor didnt suggest this, it was just something I was thinking about.

 

That is a relief. Your husband will be questioning the truth of every word you say. He will need to be able trust the therapist completely.

Link to post
Share on other sites

My A is with his friend and there is NO WAY that I would ever confess who the A was with.

 

You may as well not tell him, then. I'm sure there are guys who don't want to know, or don't care. But most likely he's going to want to know who it was with.

Link to post
Share on other sites
whatatangledweb

It is worse to confuse part and then the rest comes out sooner or later than just saying it all at once. It will make it harder to rebuild trust if/when he finds out you lied. When someone refuses to give a name it is seen as protecting the AP and a slap in the face to your spouse. So either tell all or nothing.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

From my experience witb therapy, you need to see someone else for mc. Your therapist is your therapist. You are the client. If the m becomes the client, how will she be your therapist?

 

 

I had my husband in on a few sessions, and while she was neutral, it is difficult not to see it as favoritism when she sided with my husband. He was oh so cute and saying the right things. I was used to being the focus, and the dynamic changes in mc.

 

 

Get somebody else and decide whether to confess or not separately of that. I would encourage a woman not to confess and a man to confess. It seems to yield the best results for the m.

Edited by cutedragon
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I would encourage a woman not to confess and a man to confess. It seems to yield the best results for the m.

 

 

I'm curious (at the risk of tj'ing).Why the difference?

Link to post
Share on other sites

My question, has a anyone ever not told the truth completely? Like, just say it was more of a cyber affair or only had sex once?

My A is with his friend and there is NO WAY that I would ever confess who the A was with. we were intimate 3 times. The rest of our communication was thru our Facebook.

Not that it would make it any easier on my H..... just wanted some feedback.

 

It's call "trickle truth" and most wayward spouses do it to their significant others. Only letting out little bits of truth over time in the hopes that the whole truth would be too much and too devastating.

 

As a BS, I want the whole truth. As your spouse, I deserve it and will make my decisions based on the truth, not other versions of lies. It's not to say I'd leave you if you told me the truth, but I'd be more upset if you continued to lie about it and I found out (which almost always happens).

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I would encourage a woman not to confess and a man to confess. It seems to yield the best results for the m.

 

Right. Women should lie but men should own up to what they did. Because it's best for the marriage.

 

I would also encourage getting a unicorn as a pet, because that seems to save marriages in similar situations as well.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
It's call "trickle truth" and most wayward spouses do it to significant others. Only letting out little bits of truth over time in the hopes that the whole truth would be too much and too devastating.

 

As a BS, I want the whole truth. As your spouse, I deserve it and will make my decisions based on the truth, not other versions of lies. It's not to say I'd leave you if you told me the truth, but I'd be more upset if you continued to lie about it and I found out (which almost always happens).

 

Hello. Thank you for replying. I dont know your story. Did you stay with your H? Did he confess or did u find out another way?thanks

Link to post
Share on other sites

My xW never confessed. I caught her one more time playing me for a fool. I filed for divorce and three weeks later she no longer had a home or her kids. You can play these kinds of games with people but at some point in time you will pay a price. If you want to save your marriage own up to it all. If you don't then just file and get out now.

 

Clay

Edited by Clay
  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
My xW never confessed. I caught her one more time playing me for a fool. I filed for divorce and three weeks later she no longer had a home or her kids. You can play these kinds of games with people but at some point in time you will pay a price. If you want to save your marriage own up to it all. If you don't then just file and get out now.

 

Clay

 

I'm sorry for your situation. Do you think if she wouldve confessed, you wouldve worked through it?

Thanks.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You can keep fudging the truth, etc, but there will come a day where you will feel you have run out of lies to tell.

 

If you truly love and care of your husband, don't trickle truth him.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

By telling the truth you set yourself free to work on reconciliation. Lies are what kill a marriage and by not admitting the affair AND who with! the deceit continues even if the affair has ended. If your husband finds out in twenty years time, his pain will not be lessened. If anything you risk him thinking even less of you because of how you let him live a lie.

 

Telling my H about my affair was one of the hardest things I ever did. I have never seen him so hurt and I hope I never do again. But I could no longer lie yo him, I had to be honest even with no idea of how he would react. Thankfully we are still together but I am pretty sure we would not be here now if I had not finally done the right thing.

  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites
By telling the truth you set yourself free to work on reconciliation. Lies are what kill a marriage and by not admitting the affair AND who with! the deceit continues even if the affair has ended. If your husband finds out in twenty years time, his pain will not be lessened. If anything you risk him thinking even less of you because of how you let him live a lie.

 

Telling my H about my affair was one of the hardest things I ever did. I have never seen him so hurt and I hope I never do again. But I could no longer lie yo him, I had to be honest even with no idea of how he would react. Thankfully we are still together but I am pretty sure we would not be here now if I had not finally done the right thing.

 

It's never too late to do the right thing. It's always the right time to do the right thing.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm sorry for your situation. Do you think if she wouldve confessed, you wouldve worked through it?

Thanks.

 

It was not the first time. The other times and yes i said times I caught her. We had kids together and I was raised to do your best to work through it all. The last time I caught her I just could not do it anymore. I had reached my limit. I tried leaving her six month before and offered separating everything equally but she refused and begged for us to keep the family together. I figure she just felt she needed more time to find another guy.

 

If you are honest 100% with your husband about everything I believe there is a good chance you can save your marriage.

 

I hope you tell him.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
gettingstronger

Please do whatever you need to do to be strong enough to tell the whole truth- stay in individual counseling longer and put off MC if you have to-do not fudge the truth, it will come out later and rock your world like nothing else-I hope you work towards honesty rather than just putting a band aid on your marriage-

 

Best of luck-

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm sorry for your situation. Do you think if she wouldve confessed, you wouldve worked through it?

Thanks.

 

Nikki it seems that your looking for reassurance. No one here can tell you how your husband will react. Most BS's will tell you they wished for total honesty.

 

In my situation it wasn't the affair that ended thing, she wasn't honest. She allowed me to suffer through the idea she had cheated. That was almost as bad in itself.

 

There is a chance this conversation with your husband could be your last, he may walk away for good. It could make him look at himself as the reason then work his butt off making it better.

 

No matter his reaction you owe him truth, he deserves the option to decide.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

nikki76,

You said,

 

Im really scared, that if I dont confess, that I'm going to have another affair.

 

I really don't follow this statement.:confused:

 

Are you really saying that you can't set your own boundaries and control your own actions without extraneous intervention ?

 

IMO the first relationship you should be working on is the one with yourself.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Why bother to go to counselling at all if you are going to lie? Why not save the money, file for divorce?

 

Then you wouldn't have to make a fool of your husband and keep up your childish behaviour.

 

YOu were happy enough to do the crime........??????? Now you can't stand up and do the time?

 

It does my head in.

 

Poppy.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...