XAP Won't Go Away

[Rainbowlove]

If this is the wrong forum, forgive me.

 

It's been a year since ending the relationship with my AP.

 

I have changed my phone number, I have no social media, but she still finds ways to creep into my life.

 

She will about every other month send me some nasty emails at work. I can't seem to block her, I've tried.

 

She has looked at my wife's linked in page. She tools around my bosses Facebook page.

 

Yesterday, she sent me two angry emails. I don't respond, but I'm wondering if I should? Would that only make things worse? I feel like I've said everything that needs to be said. I've answered her questions, but she's still so angry and devastated.

 

What else can I do?

 

Thank you for your responses.

[stillmind]

I think you should stay silent and just ride it out. Eventually she'll have to move on. I know it seems cruel but responding to her at all will just encourage her and prolong her grieving process... You've answered her questions already, I think maintaining NC is best.

[FusionCutter]

In your situation, do not respond. You are obviously done with your AP, so don't feed the fire. Eventually it will die.

 

If you do send an email, then it best should be one that is very clear "Do not contact me, leave me alone."

[Realist3]

If this is the wrong forum, forgive me.

 

It's been a year since ending the relationship with my AP.

 

I have changed my phone number, I have no social media, but she still finds ways to creep into my life.

 

She will about every other month send me some nasty emails at work. I can't seem to block her, I've tried.

 

She has looked at my wife's linked in page. She tools around my bosses Facebook page.

 

Yesterday, she sent me two angry emails. I don't respond, but I'm wondering if I should? Would that only make things worse? I feel like I've said everything that needs to be said. I've answered her questions, but she's still so angry and devastated.

 

What else can I do?

 

Thank you for your responses.

 

I you PM the messages she sent, I will give you a response that will get rid of her for good.

[Lovemesomehim]

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

If you feel you have given her every answer she needed, what's the use in responding?

If you do contact her, she may feel there is still hope for the two of you one day. And if she hasn't moved on in a years time, by you responding to her, will only ignite a flame and keep her angry if the words you reveal are not those she wants to hear.

If you're done with her, prove it and keep moving forward, not behind you.

[Rainbowlove]

I deleted her messages.

 

I don't want to hurt her more. I don't want her to continue to hurt over us.

 

I want her to move on and be peaceful and happy. She's a wonderful person. I screwed her over when I went back to my wife.

 

Part of me feels like she has every right to be angry with me, so I don't want to retaliate with harsh words or meanness. Besides, that's not my style.

 

I do think if she should contact me again, I will have to say as someone said, don't contact me and leave me alone.

 

The guilt of the affair never goes away.

[FusionCutter]

I deleted her messages.

 

I don't want to hurt her more. I don't want her to continue to hurt over us.

 

I want her to move on and be peaceful and happy. She's a wonderful person. I screwed her over when I went back to my wife.

 

Part of me feels like she has every right to be angry with me, so I don't want to retaliate with harsh words or meanness. Besides, that's not my style.

 

I do think if she should contact me again, I will have to say as someone said, don't contact me and leave me alone.

 

The guilt of the affair never goes away.

 

Sometimes you've got to be cruel to be kind.

 

You deeply hurt two women. That's guilt is deserved. Does your wife know what happened?

[Rainbowlove]

You deeply hurt two women. That's guilt is deserved. Does your wife know what happened?

 

I hurt three women, myself include.

 

Yes, my wife knows everything. I moved out of my house during the emotional affair with my AP to straighten my feelings out. I was brutally honest with my wife about everything.

 

It was about a year long process. And I've been home now for a year.

 

I agree I deserve to feel the guilt of it. No doubt.

[Wondering33]

I deleted her messages.

 

I don't want to hurt her more. I don't want her to continue to hurt over us.

 

I want her to move on and be peaceful and happy. She's a wonderful person. I screwed her over when I went back to my wife.

 

Part of me feels like she has every right to be angry with me, so I don't want to retaliate with harsh words or meanness. Besides, that's not my style.

 

I do think if she should contact me again, I will have to say as someone said, don't contact me and leave me alone.

 

The guilt of the affair never goes away.

 

Did you tell her in a absolute clear way the whole A is over? Maybe she needs to hear it. Let her get her anger out & at the end say you got to say everything you wanted, now this is over. In my experience people aren't always as clear as they think they are. If you were already absolutely clear, then ask her what she wants from you, now that you've let her know it's over.

Edited December 10, 2014 by Wondering33

[Red123]

Just my opinion, I would show your wife the contact and respond. I know everyone says silence is the best way to deal with this, but if it has been over for a year the xAP needs to leave you alone. If you were talking to her and giving her false hope it would be on you but it's not your fault that a year later she is holding on. In my situation the A was under 4 months long, my H sent a pretty detailed NC letter, blocked where he could and showed me all of her attempts at contact. He wanted to stay silent after the first contact attempt but I asked him to respond. I felt that silence( in our situation) could be misinterpreted. She is a MOW and we don't think her H knows, so the first 2 responses were still gentle kind of like please don't contact me( which was clearly stated in the original NC letter) then the last one was very direct and he stated that he would be forwarding all contact to her H. We haven't heard from her since, that was April. If she's not getting the hint being blocked you may have to be direct. Although she is hurting, she chose a married person to try to be with and had to have known this was a possibility. I'm sorry you're still dealing with this.

[Rainbowlove]

Did you tell her in a absolute clear way the whole A is over? Maybe she needs to hear it. Let her get her anger out & at the end say you got to say everything you wanted, now this is over. In my experience people aren't always as clear as they think they are. If you were already absolutely clear, then ask her what she wants from you, now that you've let her know it's over.

 

She never got the face to face ending with me. There's a bit of distance between us geographically and when I ended it (through email we were bickering) or was going to end it, I asked for a little space to get myself together before meeting with her face to face. She demanded I call her that minute and it ended via the phone call, which I agree she deserved more.

 

But in the last year, I had responded to angry emails and a few phone calls and texts.

 

I've thought about point blank asking her what she needs from me to help her with closure.

 

I just don't know if I can or if that's even my responsibilty at this point. I feel like my responsibility should be to my wife and our child, but the constant angry contact is getting in the way there.

 

I have been shielding my wife from her rants, but maybe it's time she step in.

 

Thanks everyone.

[whichwayisup]

If this is the wrong forum, forgive me.

 

It's been a year since ending the relationship with my AP.

 

I have changed my phone number, I have no social media, but she still finds ways to creep into my life.

 

She will about every other month send me some nasty emails at work. I can't seem to block her, I've tried.

 

She has looked at my wife's linked in page. She tools around my bosses Facebook page.

 

Yesterday, she sent me two angry emails. I don't respond, but I'm wondering if I should? Would that only make things worse? I feel like I've said everything that needs to be said. I've answered her questions, but she's still so angry and devastated.

 

What else can I do?

 

Thank you for your responses.

 

Talk to your IT department at work and see if there's a way of blocking her. Or see if they can set you up with a new work email address. If they can't do that, then it's up to you to STOP reading her emails. Just delete them right away. You want NC, then you have to stop reading what she sends you.

[Wondering33]

She never got the face to face ending with me. There's a bit of distance between us geographically and when I ended it (through email we were bickering) or was going to end it, I asked for a little space to get myself together before meeting with her face to face. She demanded I call her that minute and it ended via the phone call, which I agree she deserved more.

 

But in the last year, I had responded to angry emails and a few phone calls and texts.

 

I've thought about point blank asking her what she needs from me to help her with closure.

 

I just don't know if I can or if that's even my responsibilty at this point. I feel like my responsibility should be to my wife and our child, but the constant angry contact is getting in the way there.

 

I have been shielding my wife from her rants, but maybe it's time she step in.

 

Thanks everyone.

 

I'd send one last email making it clear as day that it's over & you're truly sorry for doing what you did to her. At the end id add after this email if you write me again, I will forward it to my wife & she will take care of this as she sees fits. Good luck!

[Rainbowlove]

Thanks everyone for your suggestions.

 

I'm going to let her slide this time and not respond.

 

Any further attempts of contact by her will be deleted and opened.

 

I'm not going to fuel this any longer. It's mind games.

[GirlStillStrong]

I agree I deserve to feel the guilt of it. No doubt.

 

This is where I think you may be wrong. So you think you had an extra-marital affair and actually lived separately for more than a year, with someone other than your spouse, because... life had not provided you with enough opportunity to feel guilt?? I'm not buying it. I think you are missing something here. This person did not come into your life for this. I'm sorry but I think you are ignoring something major here, about your self. Maybe that is why she has not yet moved on.

[Rainbowlove]

I didn't live with her, I lived alone.

 

But I'm all ears. What am I missing about myself?

[GirlStillStrong]

I didn't live with her, I lived alone.

 

But I'm all ears. What am I missing about myself?

 

I understand but you still split from your spouse during this time in your life.

 

Well, see, the way I see things tends to be different from how others see things, esp relationships. I don't believe that a relationship proves who you are as a person, or that there is ONE relationship for a person from early adulthood to death. I don't believe in soulmates or destiny or true love. And I especially don't believe in forever. I believe relationships with others are presented to us as opportunities for self-growth. That it is through our efforts to relate with one another, and the breadth of feelings and emotions those relationships provide, that we grow and evolve as human beings over time. Yes of course being with the same person over 20, 30 and more years can provide stability and comfort so that we can achieve great things in our lives. But I also believe that we do not remain the same people over time. And others come into our lives to show us things about ourselves that we did not know before, and present us the opportunity, in trying to relate with them (esp when they are being "difficult") to seek compassion and understanding but at the same time to allow us the opportunity to step up to the plate when things are difficult, and practice new ways of relating.

 

You don't need to answer me, answer for yourself and try to see it from her perspective: What did this woman expect from you based on the things you were doing and saying? What did she give up to be with you? What is causing her to act the way she is acting? The object is not to win or get your way. The object is to understand and be compassionate. What conversations do you need to have in order to put this to rest? What roles do you need to play to help bring this woman to seek peace? It's easy to ignore or block but there seems to be something you started and now need to put to rest.

 

My questions can only be from the surface. I can't know your questions because I am not you. What brought you to this point in your life and what new perspective do you need to gain? There is growth to be had from seeking your own truth. You sought it before, else you would not have been having an emotional affair. There is something you are missing but it seems you gave up and went back to where you were before you struck out to find something. You didn't leave because of one person or another. You didn't leave because one was the better choice. You left because of something inside of you and now you are filling that space with guilt.

[Hope Shimmers]

Part of me feels like she has every right to be angry with me

 

She has ABSOLUTELY EVERY RIGHT to be angry with you because of what you did to her. She has every right to be devastated.

 

The best you can do for her now is to ignore her attempts to communicate. She will eventually recover and move on. And don't hurt people like this again.

[Rainbowlove]

She does have every right to be angry, very angry - but she also has every right to look in the mirror and take responsibility for her own choices and actions. We are grown women, not young pups. We both knew the risks involved.

 

I can't control her anger and whether or not she uses the anger in a constructive way or as a destructive tool. She lost heavily, but she also gained herself...her true self (lesbian). She will be fine, as she's said to me in good moments, but when she's hurting, she lashes out. I know this woman - she's strong and beautiful - she will come through this for sure.

 

I have tried compassion for a year and will continue to do so. She can't hear me. I just don't know if responding to her will help or hurt her more.

 

I have moments when I believe the right thing to do is to say...look, if you want to talk to me, I'll talk to you. You can yell, ask questions and get whatever you need to get off your chest and let it out.

 

Then I have moments when I feel like even saying that to her will set her off. It all depends on the day with her.

 

I do know we came into each other's lives for more than me to feel guilt, though that is also part of it for me as a result of choosing my family over her. Meeting her has taught me a lot about myself - while we were together and even after our parting. She is living her truth now. She's not buried and suffocating in a unhappy heterosexual marriage and she's no longer stuck in a (cultish) church. She has said, she is free. Our meeting was life altering for both of us and continues to be. Neither one of us will ever be the same.

 

I broke her heart. There's nothing I can do to repair it. I've tried.

[GirlStillStrong]

She lost heavily... I do know we came into each other's lives for more than me to feel guilt, though that is also part of it for me as a result of choosing my family over her. She is living her truth now. She's not buried and suffocating in a unhappy heterosexual marriage and she's no longer stuck in a (cultish) church.

Wow, she's accomplished all this, and all because of you? (sarcasm) So you personally steered her out of her "misery" to your brand of enlightenment, away from all of her social supports, her husband, her family, and her church (all because what? YOU felt they were wrong or wrong for her?) and then dumped her in the name of family but can't figure out why she's pissed at you or what to do about her anger?

 

Maybe you should check yourself here because really? She "lost" and you chose something or someone over her? A little narcissistic, perhaps? You sure have a skewed idea of reality here. As long as you keep spinning it this way, there are going to be bad vibes between you.

[Rainbowlove]

Wow, she's accomplished all this, and all because of you? (sarcasm) So you personally steered her out of her "misery" to your brand of enlightenment, away from all of her social supports, her husband, her family, and her church (all because what? YOU felt they were wrong or wrong for her?) and then dumped her in the name of family but can't figure out why she's pissed at you or what to do about her anger?

 

Maybe you should check yourself here because really? She "lost" and you chose something or someone over her? A little narcissistic, perhaps? You sure have a skewed idea of reality here. As long as you keep spinning it this way, there are going to be bad vibes between you.

 

Those were her words not mine.

 

I never wondered why she was mad. I know why she's mad. Not once did I say I didn't understand why she was angry.

 

Thanks for the pep talk on compassion in your previous suggestion. I reached out to her to try to make peace for both our sake.

[Cali408]

Have your wife step in? You're kidding right? You made your bed, now sleep in it.

 

Why did you respond in the first place? Does your wife know you responded?

 

Here let me help. When you see that she's sent you an email, don't open it, just delete it. That way you don't have to see the hate mail.

 

I think in some strange way you're enjoying the attention and that she still wants you. It's flattering.

 

You need to stop with the gallant, I helped enlighten her. No you didn't, you're just a cheater like all of us.

Edited December 13, 2014 by Cali408

[Rainbowlove]

Have your wife step in? You're kidding right? You made your bed, now sleep in it.

 

Why did you respond in the first place? Does your wife know you responded?

 

Here let me help. When you see that she's sent you an email, don't open it, just delete it. That way you don't have to see the hate mail.

 

I think in some strange way you're enjoying the attention and that she still wants you. It's flattering.

 

You need to stop with the gallant, I helped enlighten her. No you didn't, you're just a cheater like all of us.

 

Yes, my wife knows. I've shared everything with her.

 

Thank you to those of you who offered support and suggestions.