Wondering33 Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 When I met him I was on the verge of a divorce (he was just dating his wife at the time) & basically was using him as a exit affair. I ended up really caring about him, yet I also ended up working things out with my husband. 6 years later, I really do love him as a person & wish things could be different with us but I know that will never happen, I'm not willing to leave my husband & I have never asked him to leave his wife. We have had emotional back & fourths but never really dwelled on it. We also didn't have sex regularly about once to twice a year. Over the years we'd hang out when we could & we pretty much have talked about everything in each other lives. 6 months ago I got very drunk & ended up sleeping with him, he waited till after to look at me & say we can't do this again. Now I have always told him if he didn't want me in his life, I would just go & that's fine but that I do love him & it doesn't matter if we sleep together or not. He's told me over & over I can't say I don't want you in my life bc it just wouldn't be true. Since that, I've run into him & texted how he's doing & it's completely no contact. When he sees me he just stares but won't talk to me. I just don't understand it, after all this time he can't even have a closure conversation with me? I'm fine with him not being in my life but it weird to have been so close to someone & not even a hi. I'll always care about him as a person, I just don't understand. He won't talk to me but when he sees me he stares as hard as he can, makes no sense to me. Why couldn't he just look at me & say goodbye in a decent way after so long ? Link to post Share on other sites
Mitzimojo Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 You and your man have been circling each other for years, never having quite finished what you started. This is common with people who have affairs. that passion, so prohibited, never really wanes. He is married and you are married and, while you both know logically that you shouldn't be together anymore, that THING still draws you together. Right now I would say he is just trying to keep away from you because he knows that contact with you could cause him to stray again. Really, you don't need to have that final goodbye conversation. You had it after you slept together. Let him go. Give him space. And time. Someday you just might be friends. Good luck, be strong and don't worry. Everything is going to be amazing. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted December 9, 2014 Share Posted December 9, 2014 Because he's not yet ready to have that conversation, probably finding it really hard to let go. By not talking to you and saying goodbye, it can go either way, with a lot left unsaid. ((hugs)) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
almond Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 (edited) He doesn't want to speak to you or reply to your texts, because he is focusing on his marriage now. Or, perhaps he simply isn't interested in you. He doesn't want the affair anymore, and he won't have contact with you as it might restart - this is clever on his behalf, and if you love your husband, you should be embracing this, not fighting it. You say you've worked things out with your husband, but I beg to differ. You want contact with your affair partner still (texting him even though he ignores you, getting upset that he doesn't speak to you when you see him) and this is unhealthy. Your thread title asks why he won't have the goodbye conversation...he already has. He looked you in the face and told you that it's over. You text him asking how is he etc and want him to say hello to you when you cross paths. This is not a goodbye conversation. You're not looking for closure. You need to focus on moving on, repairing yourself and working on your marriage properly. Or, you need to divorce your husband and move forward. Your post makes it seem like you're trying harder to rebuild the relationship with your affair partner than with your husband. It's time to take a good look at your situation and what you want out of life, and make some moves towards it. Edited December 10, 2014 by almond 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wondering33 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 He doesn't want to speak to you or reply to your texts, because he is focusing on his marriage now. Or, perhaps he simply isn't interested in you. He doesn't want the affair anymore, and he won't have contact with you as it might restart - this is clever on his behalf, and if you love your husband, you should be embracing this, not fighting it. You say you've worked things out with your husband, but I beg to differ. You want contact with your affair partner still (texting him even though he ignores you, getting upset that he doesn't speak to you when you see him) and this is unhealthy. Your thread title asks why he won't have the goodbye conversation...he already has. He looked you in the face and told you that it's over. You text him asking how is he etc and want him to say hello to you when you cross paths. This is not a goodbye conversation. You're not looking for closure. You need to focus on moving on, repairing yourself and working on your marriage properly. Or, you need to divorce your husband and move forward. Your post makes it seem like you're trying harder to rebuild the relationship with your affair partner than with your husband. It's time to take a good look at your situation and what you want out of life, and make some moves towards it. We had the "no sex" conversation, many times, with him saying I can see us always in contact as friends (that's what confuses me).. It's not trying to "rebuild" anything, it's just being nice when we see each other, I don't harbor any ill will nor did I ever expect or see a future with him minus just being ok with each other. Usually it's the woman that gets weird about things & in this case it's opposite. My marriage is good (I've been married long time) I don't want a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 The MM is a conflict avoider- you are a conflict he wants to avoid- he used his relationship with you to his benefit while it lasted and no longer has use for it- he has not changed from the person that married a woman he was cheating on-you have changed and thats a good thing- onward and upward! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 He doesn't want to have 'the goodbye' conversation. He told you in his own way: 6 months ago I got very drunk & ended up sleeping with him, he waited till after to look at me & say we can't do this again. You both are married, neither of you have plans to leave and divorce your spouses...He chose to end it in such a way that was easiest for him. You may not like it but it is what it is. You cannot force someone to speak to you when they chose not to. Focus on your husband and reconnecting with him. Forget (ex)MM. (He isn't OM, OM means single other man. MM is married man.) The friendship or whatever it is that has happened between you two, is over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 We had the "no sex" conversation, many times, with him saying I can see us always in contact as friends (that's what confuses me).. It's not trying to "rebuild" anything, it's just being nice when we see each other, I don't harbor any ill will nor did I ever expect or see a future with him minus just being ok with each other. Usually it's the woman that gets weird about things & in this case it's opposite. My marriage is good (I've been married long time) I don't want a divorce. It's completely selfish of you to want to continue a friendship with him. It's unfair to your husband. You cannot be friends with an exAP (affair partner), all it becomes is an emotional affair. Let him go, he isn't interested in any friendship or contact. Respect that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wondering33 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 It's completely selfish of you to want to continue a friendship with him. It's unfair to your husband. You cannot be friends with an exAP (affair partner), all it becomes is an emotional affair. Let him go, he isn't interested in any friendship or contact. Respect that. I would respect that, IF he didn't pull his staring & purposely parking near me (he's a cop) the other day we see each other & he pulls in the parking lot next to me & sat there & stared at me, while I pumped gas. He wants to be left alone, that's fine but why do things like that? Sometimes we care for people we don't intend on destroying our lives for. I am connected to my husband but that doesn't mean feelings stop. I don't daily contact but why put yourself so close to me & not have the balls to say something? It's weird. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I would respect that, IF he didn't pull his staring & purposely parking near me (he's a cop) the other day we see each other & he pulls in the parking lot next to me & sat there & stared at me, while I pumped gas. He wants to be left alone, that's fine but why do things like that? Sometimes we care for people we don't intend on destroying our lives for. I am connected to my husband but that doesn't mean feelings stop. I don't daily contact but why put yourself so close to me & not have the balls to say something? It's weird. Then he is playing games with you. Best to ignore him and not play back. Do you work with him? Or is he following you? Just odd that he is parking near you. What are you doing to rid of your feelings for him? Imagine your husband finding out about your feelings, your affair and having sex with another man? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wondering33 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 Then he is playing games with you. Best to ignore him and not play back. Do you work with him? Or is he following you? Just odd that he is parking near you. What are you doing to rid of your feelings for him? Imagine your husband finding out about your feelings, your affair and having sex with another man? He lives & works in the town my whole family lives in. So we'll see eachother while driving & or I'm out & about. It's never planned. what frustrates me is, I'm ok either way but like to know are ok or not. He acts like he wants nothing to do with me (which I'm fine with) but then does something like that. If you have the guts to do that.then why not the guts to say something? I know my husband wouldn't be happy. It's just I don't see him as a threat to my marrige. I slept with him drunk & it was a mistake, before that I hadn't slept with him since i had fixed things with my husband. I just thought this long, to be civil & decent to each other with no games would be possible. Not continuing the A. Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 He made his choice. It wasnt you. Hes just not that into you. Deal with it. Youre focusing on the wrong man. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 When I met him I was on the verge of a divorce (he was just dating his wife at the time) & basically was using him as a exit affair. I ended up really caring about him, yet I also ended up working things out with my husband. 6 years later, I really do love him as a person & wish things could be different with us but I know that will never happen, I'm not willing to leave my husband & I have never asked him to leave his wife. We have had emotional back & fourths but never really dwelled on it. We also didn't have sex regularly about once to twice a year. Over the years we'd hang out when we could & we pretty much have talked about everything in each other lives. 6 months ago I got very drunk & ended up sleeping with him, he waited till after to look at me & say we can't do this again. Now I have always told him if he didn't want me in his life, I would just go & that's fine but that I do love him & it doesn't matter if we sleep together or not. He's told me over & over I can't say I don't want you in my life bc it just wouldn't be true. Since that, I've run into him & texted how he's doing & it's completely no contact. When he sees me he just stares but won't talk to me. I just don't understand it, after all this time he can't even have a closure conversation with me? I'm fine with him not being in my life but it weird to have been so close to someone & not even a hi. I'll always care about him as a person, I just don't understand. He won't talk to me but when he sees me he stares as hard as he can, makes no sense to me. Why couldn't he just look at me & say goodbye in a decent way after so long ?[/QUOTe] It sounds like there is a lot of history that you aren't telling us or that has transpired in the past. You said you were "using" him to exit, but you ended up working out things with your husband, don't you think he feels a little jaded from that? In any case, he's with his new wife now. You should leave them alone. He simply has no obligation to give you the luxury of closure. You won't be able to get closure from him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wondering33 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 He made his choice. It wasnt you. Hes just not that into you. Deal with it. Youre focusing on the wrong man. Not focused, just wanted man's perspective. It was never about choosing anybody, I would have never left for him, or I would have by now. it's just about (to me) if you don't want to say anything, why shove yourself in my face on purpose just to stare? I don't like running into someone with the feeling of unresolved conflict, in any situation. My marrige is actually good. Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Give him what he wants- no contact- for now. He'll come around in a month or two. I agree with fusion above, there's a lot you're leaving out. You admit to using him to exit your marriage, well maybe he was hurt when you went back to your husband. Maybe sleeping with him this last time opened up old wounds. Just let it be for now. Let him follow and stare until he's ready to talk. Ignore him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wondering33 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 It sounds like there is a lot of history that you aren't telling us or that has transpired in the past. You said you were "using" him to exit, but you ended up working out things with your husband, don't you think he feels a little jaded from that? In any case, he's with his new wife now. You should leave them alone. He simply has no obligation to give you the luxury of closure. You won't be able to get closure from him. There is a long history, that's why it does bother me a bit. After everything, he's handling things in this manner.i don't want a relationship but staring with no words is just odd. They've been married for awhile now. There isn't really anyone I can really speak to about if, so I asked here. Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 There is a long history, that's why it does bother me a bit. After everything, he's handling things in this manner.i don't want a relationship but staring with no words is just odd. They've been married for awhile now. There isn't really anyone I can really speak to about if, so I asked here. There's no words because there's nothing to say. He's tried his best to move on with his life. My guess is that your actions 6 years ago still hurts him to this day. No one likes to feel "used" and then have you decide to go back to your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wondering33 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 There's no words because there's nothing to say. He's tried his best to move on with his life. My guess is that your actions 6 years ago still hurts him to this day. No one likes to feel "used" and then have you decide to go back to your husband. if that's true, then I wish he could just say it. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 who are you wishing to convince that your marriage is good? maybe your level of good is being able to have this long lingering affair. For some its being able to move away from such and respect their spouses. I"m sure with your solid marriage you can tell your husband how annoyed you are about your affair partner treating you with indifference. Husbands and wives do seem to be able to have that level of sharing from the heart. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Why does it bother you so much? Why can't you just leave him alone? He obviously has a different way of dealing with it than you. Why can't you just respect that? Why do you need to have his attention? Why can you not accept someone else's boundaries? Are you always pushy? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 (edited) if that's true, then I wish he could just say it. When you decided to go back to your husband I'm sure he told you then. You just forgot the history 6 years ago. Sometimes silence speaks volumes. He doesn't want to speak to you. Just accept it. He's already telling you everything you need to hear. The problem is your acceptance. Study his actions. If it really bothers you then go talk to him maturely about it. Edited December 10, 2014 by FusionCutter 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 if that's true, then I wish he could just say it. He did say it, in his own way... you're just not getting it. he waited till after to look at me & say we can't do this again. That's all you're gonna get from him. He chose to end it all after you two had drunken sex. You don't like it but this is the reality. Make your own closure by letting go and accepting that he isn't in your life anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wondering33 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 He did say it, in his own way... you're just not getting it. That's all you're gonna get from him. He chose to end it all after you two had drunken sex. You don't like it but this is the reality. Make your own closure by letting go and accepting that he isn't in your life anymore. It wasn't "us" that had druken sex. It was me, he was stone sober. I wouldn't sleep with before that several times before that & that one night I was weak, it wasn't my intention that night. Just in my experience, if you don't want contact, you don't go & park across from someone just to stare & not say anything. That's why i was asking if this has happened to anyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 It wasn't "us" that had druken sex. It was me, he was stone sober. I wouldn't sleep with before that several times before that & that one night I was weak, it wasn't my intention that night. Just in my experience, if you don't want contact, you don't go & park across from someone just to stare & not say anything. That's why i was asking if this has happened to anyone else. Drunk or not, it still doesn't change the fact he ended it with you. As I said earlier, he's playing a game now so just ignore him and do your best not to let him get under your skin when you see him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wondering33 Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 When you decided to go back to your husband I'm sure he told you then. You just forgot the history 6 years ago. Sometimes silence speaks volumes. He doesn't want to speak to you. Just accept it. He's already telling you everything you need to hear. The problem is your acceptance. Study his actions. If it really bothers you then go talk to him maturely about it. I may have hurt him but honestly, I never thought of it that way. I've always solved every problem or relationship I've ever had & ended it conflict free, this is just very different for me. Link to post Share on other sites
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