Just curious: how much time did you spend with AP?

[Rainsitpours]

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, as it has been one of my many excuses for why "my affair was different - we spent so much time together!"

 

How much did you see your AP? I know every situation is different but I'd just like to hear some general responses. Was it a couple of times a month? Every day? Only to meet for sex? Or more frequently?

 

Before I became separated I saw my AP several times a week for short periods, say an hour or so. Then after I moved and had my own place we began spending days at a time together. He would stay the night at least twice a week. We took 4-day long vacations every few weeks and saw each other every day, even if just to sit on the porch and discuss our day and catch up. We would spend many days just doing normal things - cooking dinner, watching TV, going to bed. It wasn't always about sex. Sometimes we just had a bad day and wanted to cuddle and have a glass of wine and talk.

 

My A is over now, but I realize that I used to convince myself that it was "different" and "special" just because it wasn't always for sex. It was highly emotional (we had definitely reached the point where I was ok with him seeing my morning hair and kissing me without brushing my teeth, haha). Somehow the amount of time spent and the quality of the time made me think it was on a different level than just meeting for sex.

 

Turns out it wasn't, because he is still with his wife and I am now separated with no real answers. Anyways, just curious if anyone else had felt the same way.

[Minnie09]

Same. We spend a lot of time together, for the most part at my place.

I'm single, and he works in my area, whereas his family is far away, so that's why we get more time together than we would under normal circumstances. I don't know how people do it, if they are BOTH married. I wouldn't be able to make time.

 

I still don't think our situation is different from any normal affair situation. He does go home frequently, which he should. We are fortunate, however, as far as our schedules are concerned. And he has been spending weekends here more and more.

[Sassy Girl]

We catch up 1-2 times a week, usually for about 2 hours but sometimes half a day.

 

 

We are both married with full time jobs and small children, so it works for us.

 

 

We chat daily though

[Poppy47]

We spent as much time as we could possible scrape together. Not as much as yours but probably one day at the weekends and once for coffee or a drink during the week. Then when I had holidays it was more frequent.

 

I am single and it was at my place a lot. For me it was became very important because I was lonely and just loved his company. For him, he told me when we parted, it provided that ROMANCE and EXCITEMENT that was lacking in his life.... nice for him eh?

 

NO, it was no different to any other A. We got along really well and shared some great experiences together in and out of bed. However, the affair experience was a different thing for both of us.

 

Poppy

[bentleychic]

We generally saw each other 1-2x a week for a few hours at a time. Overnights were only once or twice a year, if that.

[Daisy2013]

Oh, about an hour a week, if I were lucky. Always once per week in private and we'd see each other at church twice a week. He'd call twice per week regularly and sometimes more. We were highly emotional and our time was loving and sweet. Physical too, but sexual wasn't our priority, although the chemistry made it difficult to hold back. I call myself his "front seat lover" because I never left his vehicle, where we would meet in a private place, which was on his way home from his office, on the day it was good for him. Sometimes a Saturday morning as well, he loved seeing me natural, with no make up. He didn't dare take me in public or risk anybody we knew seeing us. Although the irony is that many strangers saw us at times and he'd laugh. Sometimes they'd even wave at us because they knew what we were up to. 3 years. I'm stupid, yeah.

[mintcondition]

My romantic interlude with a married woman lasted for about six years, and we saw each other anywhere from 2 to 5 X per week. The sequence of events was pretty routine when breaking it down: a text or call asking me if I was home, meeting up, talking and kissing for a long time, and ultimately sex. We had sex about 90% of the time when we met up.

 

 

As matter of fact, from 2010 to 2012 there were times where we were having sex five times a week. Her husband was either clueless or in denial (never met him), but he was suspicious from what she told me and often asked and drilled down to the detail where she was and what her activities consisted of. Needles to say, her actions, our actions, has made me lose faith in this whole institution of monogamy.

[FusionCutter]

My romantic interlude with a married woman lasted for about six years, and we saw each other anywhere from 2 to 5 X per week. The sequence of events was pretty routine when breaking it down: a text or call asking me if I was home, meeting up, talking and kissing for a long time, and ultimately sex. We had sex about 90% of the time when we met up.

 

 

As matter of fact, from 2010 to 2012 there were times where we were having sex five times a week. Her husband was either clueless or in denial (never met him), but he was suspicious from what she told me and often asked and drilled down to the detail where she was and what her activities consisted of. Needles to say, her actions, our actions, has made me lose faith in this whole institution of monogamy.

 

Her poor husband. Omg.

 

So what has happened and where do you two stand?

[mintcondition]

Her poor husband. Omg.

 

So what has happened and where do you two stand?

 

 

 

She has been separated for a while now and working on the divorce. For some reason she decided to divorce from me as well. This woman rides an "all or nothing" emotional rollercoaster. In other words, when stress begins to take a toll on her she will remove every other stressor or bagage from her life. Usually temporary, but she will drop everything, including me, like a sack of potatoes or a bad habit. out you go!

[nikki76]

In my 7 month long A, we only met up 3 times, June being the last time. The rest of our "A", if you would even call it that, was purely just communication through our Facebook page.

 

I must say, in a terrible way, I'm envious that you guys were able to meet with your AP

So often.

[SolG]

We worked together on a project for the first two and a half years. Saw each other every day and had multiple business trips together ranging from overnighters to two and a half months away together. For this period we were rarely apart other than for those weekends and holiday periods when we weren't working, which were few.

 

Then that project ended and he moved on to another in another city and I on to one still in the same location. However, our discrete projects were interrelated so I was in his city one week a month and stayed with him. We also had a few weekends away. He would also spend at least one, sometimes two nights on the other weeks with me at my place on the way to or from seeing his family. He spent most weekends and at least part of each school holidays with them. So still quite a bit of time together.

 

This year has been different. He and his family moved to another city as he was offered a longer term assignment. While we still share a lot of professional linkages, this time our jobs are quite separate. So physical contact has very much been ad hoc. There have been a couple of one week stints together where our schedules had us in a third location at the same time. But mostly it has been one or two nights here and there.

 

In October he was seconded to a short-term intensive initiative overseas. This will have him working non-stop for around six months; for a substantial payoff. He has only had one whole day off since he's been there. He's planning a 10 day respite early in the new year; we're planning to meet somewhere near where he is now for this break.

 

Throughout this whole time we've spoken via phone and/or Skyped daily. Regardless of whether we've been in the same city or on different continents (which has not been uncommon).

 

Do I think this level of contact made/makes us special? Not in and of itself, no. But I did used to think we were incredibly special all round. This has worn off over time as the initial limerence faded. I started posting here when the reality began to sink in. Now I am well aware of where and what we are. And it makes me sad on an ever more frequent basis.

Edited December 8, 2014 by SolG

[prettyeyes87]

My exAP used to drive an hour every single day just to visit me for 30 mins on my lunch. He begged to see me everyday but I wouldn't let him. He used to just drive out to my side of town before even asking if he could so there would be no way I could say no. He also wanted to see me multiple times a day. If he came to see me on my lunch break later he's asking to see me after work. He wanted me to switch to his gym so we could work out together, he manipulated situations so I spent that time with him.

 

He wanted all my time. He wanted to take me places where his friends and family could easily bump into to us (he didn't care, he said they wanted him to be with who made him happy). He also texted me constantly from like 7am to 11pm, like every 5-10 mins he was texting. He wanted to talk to me so much when he would travel for work sometimes hours away, he text me while driving even tho I hated that and wouldn't respond until he was done driving. I literally had to lie or make excuse to him because I just couldn't see him all the time. If he had had his way, I would have seen him like 4 times day! He was pushy.

 

My situation is a little different because my exAP was separated and his wife left him. Our situation wasn't about sex either, it was highly emotional. We kissed and fondled but no sex between us.

 

My exAP was spending so much time with me and talking to me that his kids and family members were starting to notice. It was getting intense. His wife rushed back home once she discovered the intensity of our friendship (she knew about me).

[FusionCutter]

I tried to see her as often as I could. It was maybe like twice a week. I would have seen her everyday if it was a possibility. Texting was from waking till sleeping. The connection was instantaneous and strong. She was with me in my mind, night and day.

[DarkAngel87]

My MM and I both worked together so we saw a lot of each other. We would meet each other once or twice a week for dates and stuff. We did go on a trip to Vegas for a week which was a lot of fun.

[Crazy_Love]

Daily, for 7+ hours per day and we text when not together. Often the weekends too. We don't work together. His wife knows me, my husband knows him. It's definitely more emotional than sexual.

[desperatelywanting]

We got to know each other via email for 2 weeks before we met in person. We spent a grand total of about 40 hours together before I moved out of our town. I wish we'd had more time together.

[still_an_Angel]

We spend an afternoon every week, we try to see each other after work but that's a bit tricky with our schedules. We compare calendars so we know what each other is doing. We email all the time but minimal texts and rarely call each other. I'm not a needy person so when I do call, he knows its always because I have a crisis to deal with.

 

I find this the hard part of being an OW, I'm very independent and I know he feels like I don't really need him most of the time, but i do. But I always have to wait to see or talk to him, I cannot just call (this will send him into panic mode) or share my thoughts any time I want. I write to him a lot, sharing my day and my thoughts, then wait (again) for his reply). But then again, this is also probably how our A has gone on this long without detection,

[Dreamworld]

I asked this in a more recent post I started before reading this but this seems to pertain to what I am curious about too...how do you all meet so often without being caught? I would think the other spouse/partner would definitely feel something with that much frequency. Or no? I guess it is always something I think about because I wonder sometimes if my affair could have been undetected if we hadnt been in touch or seen each other so often. Although in the long run it was a good thing we got caught. For my eventual peace of mind.

[chrissy78]

Every single day...for a few hours. And on the weekends for a shorter time. Every few weeks, for a day trip or all day out in the city. And we talked from morning until night. He also switched all his activities to my schedule...my gym, enrolled his son where my son did extra cirriculars.

At first i used to think its abnormal and how could his wife not notice. He was an executive, and I guess he just blamed it on working late. However, I got used to all his time and attention and it is making this recovery so much harder than if I only saw him occasionally.

[still_an_Angel]

I asked this in a more recent post I started before reading this but this seems to pertain to what I am curious about too...how do you all meet so often without being caught? I would think the other spouse/partner would definitely feel something with that much frequency. Or no? I guess it is always something I think about because I wonder sometimes if my affair could have been undetected if we hadnt been in touch or seen each other so often. Although in the long run it was a good thing we got caught. For my eventual peace of mind.

 

 

My MM heads a company and he's stressed out quite a lot. The afternoons we spend together are billed under his hobby which has headquarters out of our city. His W is not into that hobby and knows very little of the club's activities. We don't text very often and if in case of slip ups, my texts are coded anyways so a third party reading them will see that they pertain to work. I'm not quite sure how he goes about our emails but our A has gone LT and we haven't had a close call so far.

I sometimes think she knows but chooses to look the other way (due to other incidents as well). And like you, I have wondered what she thinks of the weekly meetings at the club which he hardly misses.

[Dreamworld]

Thank you for the replies!

 

 

Wow chrissy78, I think you see and talk to your affair partner more than I ever did with my ex-husband and I was his wife. Living in the same house! wow. He was a serial cheater so when I was the BS, I could just FEEL something was up when he was cheating with someone on a regular basis. I can't explain it. I just kind of knew. With flings though that were sporadic, not so much. He did plenty of both. The guy was good I gotta tell you but he got caught eventually. With the routine woman. and everything else crawled out of the woodwork.

 

 

An acquantaince I know (she knows I have been an OW so she talks me to me knowing I won't judge her) is going through the same thing. She had been enjoying a weekly rendevous with her lover but one day the wife started calling at the exact hours they had planned to be together so they have decided to cut back on the meetings and be more sporadic. So it makes me think, ah, if an affair becomes a regularly scheduled thing, it seems to make it much easier for the partners in crime to get caught. Hence my question here.

 

 

Thanks again for the feedback!!!

[Cheshire]

My MM and I both worked together so we saw a lot of each other. We would meet each other once or twice a week for dates and stuff. We did go on a trip to Vegas for a week which was a lot of fun.

 

Similar situation. For the first few years, every workday for 8 hours a day - she was my manager. The first time we had sex was on work premises (obviously with no-one else around) and it was something we did on a fairly regular basis after that - in the work context, it was not unusual for us to be alone together on the premises after 5pm.

 

After she went to another role, it was secret meetings, usually at my house, which could be anything from once a month to nothing for 3 or 4 months. Usually in the day too, weekdays - we synchronised our days off. She very rarely stayed overnight with me, as she had children... it might only happen for a few days or so in summer, if her husband was on a golf trip or something and kids were at school camp.

 

We also had a few days in a foreign city, and it was the only time I felt we had a proper 'date'... dinner and drinks together, exploring the city, then back to the hotel. She was on a conference, but it was somewhere that no-one would know who we were... even if she saw any other delegates from the conference, most of them were foreign anyway, and might just assume I was her husband/partner. We felt relaxed there, though. It was a glimpse of what we could've had had we both been single, and I regret that most of all. I think we would've been a lovely, and very loving couple.

[Redheaded Mistress]

We saw each other every day at work. As long as we weren't NC we'd see each other daily, or at least 4-5 days a week in the afternoons for anywhere from 2-3 hours or 6+. Most often it was 2-4 hours. We didn't see each other as much on weekends... Those were my days off and if my husband was off too, it wouldn't really work to get away. We had sex maybe 50-60% of the times we met.

 

The rest of our time we'd text, and we texted a lot. We'd average over 500 texts a night, mostly after 9 or 10pm until all hours.

[Cressida]

I think that a significant part of engaging in, and continuing the affair was the fact that I spent 100% of my free time with my exMM, and he did the same. We basically lived together as he lived alone...I had a whole dresser in his house, his staff knew me as 'madame', we'd go out together everywhere, with some limits of course, but still. I met his friends and relatives, he met mine...yea.

 

I'd sleep at my house 2 or maximum 3 nights a week, every other night was at his house, we'd do everything together like a married couple, and weekends would always be spent together, he'd never take work assignments or social events on weekends so that he'd be free.

 

We traveled a lot together, we saw 90% of the country we lived in a took trips abroad as well, I went to certain places with him for the first time in my life, places I had always wanted to visit but never really got the time, money, determination or group of friends to go with the plan and actually do it.

 

The fact that I had a sort of a 'glamorous' affair made a big difference...i think this was a huge part in my being unable to let go at times, feeling addicted to him, we had 'a life' together, that's what it felt like.

 

I even changed my work to be with him so we'd spend even more time together, he wanted me to. It was a professional upgrade which he secured for me, and looking back I'm thankful for this...we always had a great professional relationship as well, he was like my mentor as well. And now we're friends who knows!

[MissBee]

We spoke daily but we were long distance and saw each other about 3 times a year on average but when we saw each other it was between 3 days minimum to 10 days of "living together" in that time.