Need some support

[somewanderersarelost]

I'll try to make my story as short as possible --

 

I met a guy in June. He's in an open relationship (meaning they each have the right to be sexual with others). I'm gay, and in the gay world this is a little more common than it is in the straight world. Trust me, though, it doesn't make anything easier.

 

So, I met this guy, and we started hanging out. At first it was just sex, but then we started to go on "dates" and then he would occasionally sleep over. We hung out at least once a week for many months, and I started to get very attached. I also started to get very overwhelmed, and my day-to-day life was greatly impacted -- I wouldn't make plans because I never knew if he would want to hang out; I would wait around while he decided if he was going to be free; I would get excited when he would message me / comment on my posts on Facebook. Basically, I was hooked.

 

In early September, I tried to break it off (sent him an email explaining how attached I had become and how it was killing me). That only lasted a few days and we fell back into our pattern, only it became more and more intense for me. Most of my friends knew in the beginning, but I wasn't completely honest when we started hanging out again (after the September letter). I knew it was wrong, and I didn't want to be judged. Finally, one of my good friends found out, got angry, and basically told me I had to stop. So, I sent another message to the guy a few weeks ago saying it had to stop. He said OK.

 

For a week or so, he continued to message me here and there and comment on my Facebook posts. Abruptly, though, that ended. And now I haven't spoken to him in over a week. The only time i have seen him is when he came to my friend's house on Thanksgiving, but I left almost immediately after he got there (I didn't want to be in the same room).

 

Even though I feel like I'm doing the right thing, I am fighting this burning desire to contact him and make sure he's not mad or offended. So, I guess I just want people to confirm that, yes, I am doing the right thing and that, no, it doesn't matter if he's angry. It's just hard because he's part of my larger group of friends, and I never know where he's going to be. But I need to keep up the NC, right?

[whichwayisup]

Yes you need to keep NC going and take a break from hanging out with all the mutual friends until you're strong enough to be in the same room as him. Just get busy and take time for yourself, hang out with family and friends who don't know him.

 

He has an open marriage and knows how to separate love and sex, he won't allow himself to get emotionally close to someone else. You've done the right thing by ending it, as painful as it was to do, you're better off. You've got a good heart and deserve someone who will be only yours, someone who can commit to you fully.

[nikki76]

I feel the exact same way as you. I was having an A with my H friend, so we (spouses and kids too) have all hung out, multiple times together before and during our A.

 

I have tried ending it and I cant stop but feeling bad toward him and I dont want him to be angry towards me. I dont know why we feel this way.

[Poppy47]

So what if he feels angry? Just what is it you feel you owe him?

 

Why does he have that power over you?

Poppy

[Lovemesomehim]

The question is, are you ready for NC?

 

 

You seem to make your decisions based on what others think and not what you feel in your heart.

[AlwaysGrowing]

You do not need his permission to feel the way you do. The only person you are accountable to is you.

 

You have not been disrespectful towards the OM in enforcing a boundary you have, to safe guard your emotional, physical and mental well-being. One does not apologize to ANYONE for enforcing our own personal boundaries.

 

So, yes you are doing the right thing for you.

 

No, it doesn't matter if he is angry.

[somewanderersarelost]

Thanks for all the responses. A lot of my wondering if he is angry stems from a conversation I recently had with a mutual friend. This mutual friend knew what was going on, but we never talked about it. A few weeks ago--after I told the guy I needed NC, but he was still messaging / commenting on Facebook--I talked to our mutual friend about how hard the situation was for me and a few other things. I'm wondering now if the mutual friend told the guy I was hanging out with, even though he promised he would not. I wonder this because the guy never messages me / comments on anything anymore.

 

I don't know. It probably doesn't matter. It's never going to be what I want it to be, so I need to just accept that--no matter the reason--we are in the NC zone now, and I need to stay there.

 

Again, I appreciate the feedback. Even though I don't know any of you, it definitely helps. I was on the brink of messaging him today, but I posted here instead. Thank you!

[GirlStillStrong]

I'm glad he stopped messaging and FBing you, because THAT would be the respectful thing to do when someone tells you they want you to leave them alone. Don't worry if he is angry; that's not why he is staying away.

[alieen]

He has an open marriage and knows how to separate love and sex, he won't allow himself to get emotionally close to someone else. You've done the right thing by ending it, as painful as it was to do, you're better off. You've got a good heart and deserve someone who will be only yours, someone who can commit to you fully.

[jackslife]

Sadly, he wants sex and a fun friend on the side. You want more. You've no choice really stay as his lover until he no longer wants you or go NC and try and move on.

 

It is so much easier said than done. There are threads going back to the start of this website started of similar stories. Sorry NC is your only way. Ultimately you need/want a partner just for you, not for sharing.

 

It is tough, it will be hard, but you have no option and when you do move on and find your special someone you'll be so much happier.

 

Good luck.

[somewanderersarelost]

So, since I last posted, the other guy has been leaving a lot of posts on my Facebook wall (I can't delete / block him because of social reasons; it would be too messy / dramatic). I didn't respond to any of these things (mostly links to funny things), but after I was included on a group chat with him, I broke. I contacted him, he came over, and the usual stuff happened. I need to go NC again, but I'm just unsure of how to proceed here. Specifically, we have too many mutual friends for me to avoid him altogether. And I'm afraid that I'm going to be weak again.

 

I've never been in a situation before where I've struggled this much to avoid someone. Usually, it hurts, but I do what I need to do. This time, I keep screwing myself over in order to have a few hours of pleasure with someone who clearly doesn't think that much of me. So, my question for you folks is this: how did you stop yourself from contacting someone when you knew it was wrong? I've given him the NC speech two times now, and I keep breaking it. So pathetic.

[nytgirl]

All you can do is take things one day at a time -- one hour at a time, even one minute at a time if that's what it takes. Find things to distract yourself -- go jogging, read, talk to other friends....and google "going no contact", as there are a lot of resources out there for people in NC. There's even a site called something like "exaholics" (not sure if that is exactly right) that provides resources.

 

You are doing the right thing staying NC. You need and deserve more than this man was giving you, and even though it may not have been his intent to hurt you, the hurt is there, and you need to keep taking space from him. Honestly, he is probably not angry and this is probably not the first time he's been in a similar situation. He has nothing to be angry about -- all you did was fall too hard for him, and in that respect, he needs to be flattered and understanding....and to continue to give you space. If he *doesn't* do that, then he's using you for attention, ego boosting, and flattering himself...and that's not the kind of person you want in your life anyway.

 

Godspeed!

[Satu]

Thanks for all the responses. A lot of my wondering if he is angry stems from a conversation I recently had with a mutual friend. This mutual friend knew what was going on, but we never talked about it. A few weeks ago--after I told the guy I needed NC, but he was still messaging / commenting on Facebook--I talked to our mutual friend about how hard the situation was for me and a few other things. I'm wondering now if the mutual friend told the guy I was hanging out with, even though he promised he would not. I wonder this because the guy never messages me / comments on anything anymore.

 

I don't know. It probably doesn't matter. It's never going to be what I want it to be, so I need to just accept that--no matter the reason--we are in the NC zone now, and I need to stay there.

 

Again, I appreciate the feedback. Even though I don't know any of you, it definitely helps. I was on the brink of messaging him today, but I posted here instead. Thank you!

 

You said it all yourself.

 

Your conclusion is sound.

[Lady2163]

Something along this line has already been said, but I have a story to add.

 

Years ago I had a married man hitting on me hot and heavy at work. He wasn't my boss, but he could make my life miserable at work and the life of the 40 people who worked for me miserable as well. He could get me fired and at the time I desperately needed my job. I had to change his perspective from his wants and desires. I needed him to quit pursuing me and trying to schedule social time together, but I had to make it his idea.

 

So, when the opportunity was right and he was doing his usual thing I said to him, " I'm going to be honest with you. I like you a lot. You are just so amazing and I can't believe the connection we have. Just answer me this: what horrible thing have I done in my life that makes both of us believe the only relationship I am good enough for is being an affair?" I even summoned up a couple of tears.

 

He thought for a minute and replied, "You know, you're right."

 

He never hit on me again. He would probably tell someone evn today that I was one of his closest friends for those two years we worked together. I was just trying to keep the boat steady. I didn't like him that much.

 

That is the line you use with your friend if you falter and break NC. Ask him why he thinks this is all you are good for. Tell him he is screwing up your chances at finding your own life partner. Ask him to not post on your Facebook or comment or like.

 

Good luck....sincere best wishes and thoughts.