"You deserve better"...so they say

[prettyeyes87]

He is NOT a friend. If we were friends than we could be friends on facebook. I could like his photos and statuses and he could like mine with no problem. Friends can wish each other happy holidays without overthinking or feeling awkward. Friends can catch up from time to time. Everything that feels ok with normal friends, feels weird with him. When did it get to the point of overthinking and worrying about a friendship? We used to be so carefree and there wasn't anything I couldn't ask him, now I'm worried that certain things "may cross the line" or worry what he'll think. When did it stop being fun? And if we had continued to be "friends" it still wouldn't have been a real friendship how they are supposed to be. It would have to be a sneaky, hidden friendship so his wife wouldn't get hurt. That doesn't sound like much of a friendship at all.

 

I have even come to realize that all the promises he made of being friends "no matter what" was all just BS and a way to validate his ego, a way to see if I would always be there. Even when he told me if he ever got back with his wife we could still hang out and talk, I should have seen the BS because really how was that going to work out? I also think he choose to reconcile sooner than he told me because he was trying to see if he could cake eat. A real friend wouldn't have done that. Just venting here and accepting why we aren't friends anymore.

 

And to clarify I am NC with exMM for a month. I thought we had a friendship before all this but I'm starting to accept I was wrong.

[nikki76]

You couldnt have worded that better! Its like walking in eggshells. It sucks.

[prettyeyes87]

You couldnt have worded that better! Its like walking in eggshells. It sucks.

 

Exactly. That's why Id much rather be NC than meeting someone specifically on their terms or walking on eggshells. I could have reached out to him over the holidays and simply wished him a good one and he would have text me back but on HIS terms, when he could get away probably.

 

Also if he was thinking about me he could have said something but he chose not to and I am afforded the same luxury. NC hurts but even though I'm not hearing from him, I'm glad he's not hearing from me. Why should I send any type of greeting? Why should I check up on him and see how he is? He is not my problem and I don't have to put in effort. I have my confidence back in that because I am def not accepting a half ass friendship from any man.

[FusionCutter]

You can be friends when you, and his wife, and him, can all sit down for a meal, and everyone knows the truth. Otherwise people that are "friends" with their APs are only in denial.

 

Live authentically. Just because he can't, doesn't mean you can be a person that moves forward with integrity. Seems you are. Good job.

[GirlStillStrong]

Your definition of "friend" and his definition of "friend" are very different, I assure you. IDK what it is but everyone seems to tell the same story here, down to the very words these guys use. They say the same things, do the same things, think the same way; it's all so predictable. They are opportunists living in some kind of other world or something. They expect to get their way all the time and that you are just going to continue accommodating them, without even a word, I guess because that is what they are used to.

 

"Friend" is really just code for "keeping you waiting in the wings, in case I want you." Then they throw out some emotional BS and you fall for it again, because he knows you well, the game you are playing with yourself. No Contact keeps you from chasing the carrot you set up for yourself. It's really got nothing to do with him; he's just playing a role in your own game and getting some to boot.

[prettyeyes87]

You can be friends when you, and his wife, and him, can all sit down for a meal, and everyone knows the truth. Otherwise people that are "friends" with their APs are only in denial.

 

Live authentically. Just because he can't, doesn't mean you can be a person that moves forward with integrity. Seems you are. Good job.

 

Thank you. Somedays are better than others. NC isn't easy by any means but the distance and time apart is only showing me more reasons why I need to stay this way. There is no way he would admit to his wife the full extent of our friendship and that's his choice. But I won't fool myself into thinking we can have a genuine friendship while he is still married and trying to reconcile.

[prettyeyes87]

Your definition of "friend" and his definition of "friend" are very different, I assure you. IDK what it is but everyone seems to tell the same story here, down to the very words these guys use. They say the same things, do the same things, think the same way; it's all so predictable. They are opportunists living in some kind of other world or something. They expect to get their way all the time and that you are just going to continue accommodating them, without even a word, I guess because that is what they are used to.

 

"Friend" is really just code for "keeping you waiting in the wings, in case I want you." Then they throw out some emotional BS and you fall for it again, because he knows you well, the game you are playing with yourself. No Contact keeps you from chasing the carrot you set up for yourself. It's really got nothing to do with him; he's just playing a role in your own game and getting some to boot.

 

Yes I believe a woman's definition of friendship after having relations vs what man's definition is completely different. Any male perspectives would be great!

 

And as far as keeping me in the wings waiting, well this is exactly why I won't break NC. I honestly think I'm a good friend to have and to reduce a friendship with me down to keeping me on the back burner is beyond rude, then there is no friendship at all

[hello234]

Your definition of "friend" and his definition of "friend" are very different, I assure you. IDK what it is but everyone seems to tell the same story here, down to the very words these guys use. They say the same things, do the same things, think the same way; it's all so predictable. They are opportunists living in some kind of other world or something. They expect to get their way all the time and that you are just going to continue accommodating them, without even a word, I guess because that is what they are used to.

 

"Friend" is really just code for "keeping you waiting in the wings, in case I want you." Then they throw out some emotional BS and you fall for it again, because he knows you well, the game you are playing with yourself. No Contact keeps you from chasing the carrot you set up for yourself. It's really got nothing to do with him; he's just playing a role in your own game and getting some to boot.

 

 

- U r right...... me and Mm have been low contact, i havent given into sex or anything ... he just went on vacation with a group of friends and its driving mecrazy and ruining my mood daily.. its pissing me off cuz i think, ok here he has me and hes there prolly flirting with the women n checkingthem out in swim wear.. Ugh.. plus he hasnt called n just sent few texts now n then.. I m jus frustrated. if i had been Nc now i would have prolly felt better? His bday is day after and same thoughts- y shuould i wish , or be thefirst in line to wish when hes there celebrating withhis friends, those women giving him " bday bumps" and such.. at the same time i dont want it to seem like I am mean and cold hearted, im not Wat to do? wish or not wish?

[GirlStillStrong]

Yes I believe a woman's definition of friendship after having relations vs what man's definition is completely different. Any male perspectives would be great!

 

And as far as keeping me in the wings waiting, well this is exactly why I won't break NC. I honestly think I'm a good friend to have and to reduce a friendship with me down to keeping me on the back burner is beyond rude, then there is no friendship at all

 

You sound like a very smart, independent woman. You really have to set your foot down with men, I've found, else they don't take you seriously. I am learning how to set my boundaries, myself.

[GirlStillStrong]

- U r right...... me and Mm have been low contact, i havent given into sex or anything ... he just went on vacation with a group of friends and its driving mecrazy and ruining my mood daily.. its pissing me off cuz i think, ok here he has me and hes there prolly flirting with the women n checkingthem out in swim wear.. Ugh.. plus he hasnt called n just sent few texts now n then.. I m jus frustrated. if i had been Nc now i would have prolly felt better? His bday is day after and same thoughts- y shuould i wish , or be thefirst in line to wish when hes there celebrating withhis friends, those women giving him " bday bumps" and such.. at the same time i dont want it to seem like I am mean and cold hearted, im not Wat to do? wish or not wish?

 

It's sad but you really need to build your own life and get busy, to the point where you don't even care what they are doing. They're not interested in anyone who wants to be with them all the time.

[jellybean89]

- U r right...... me and Mm have been low contact, i havent given into sex or anything ... he just went on vacation with a group of friends and its driving mecrazy and ruining my mood daily.. its pissing me off cuz i think, ok here he has me and hes there prolly flirting with the women n checkingthem out in swim wear.. Ugh.. plus he hasnt called n just sent few texts now n then.. I m jus frustrated. if i had been Nc now i would have prolly felt better? His bday is day after and same thoughts- y shuould i wish , or be thefirst in line to wish when hes there celebrating withhis friends, those women giving him " bday bumps" and such.. at the same time i dont want it to seem like I am mean and cold hearted, im not Wat to do? wish or not wish?

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but are you a teenager? Between the way you write (with the text speak) and the whole "is he looking at other girls"....he's a guy - of course he is!

 

You are married. He is married. You won't let go. You aren't friends. You are hoping he will one day "pick you" so you keep letting him treat you like crap. You keep waiting and waiting....letting him know you are there for when he has a minute to text you. STOP allowing this treatment.

 

And no, you don't need to wish him a happy birthday. Seriously? He isn't your friend! He is a man you are cheating on your husband with. Mean and cold hearted? Are you kidding? Are you making these excuses so when you do reach out to him you will feel better about it? You are only in LC with him because that is HIS choice. Not because you are trying to end the affair. If you were trying to end it, there would be NO contact.

[jellybean89]

Yes I believe a woman's definition of friendship after having relations vs what man's definition is completely different. Any male perspectives would be great!

 

And as far as keeping me in the wings waiting, well this is exactly why I won't break NC. I honestly think I'm a good friend to have and to reduce a friendship with me down to keeping me on the back burner is beyond rude, then there is no friendship at all

 

You have come so far. Be proud of yourself. You are no longer allowing a man to treat you like a dirty secret. Good for you.

[prettyeyes87]

- U r right...... me and Mm have been low contact, i havent given into sex or anything ... he just went on vacation with a group of friends and its driving mecrazy and ruining my mood daily.. its pissing me off cuz i think, ok here he has me and hes there prolly flirting with the women n checkingthem out in swim wear.. Ugh.. plus he hasnt called n just sent few texts now n then.. I m jus frustrated. if i had been Nc now i would have prolly felt better? His bday is day after and same thoughts- y shuould i wish , or be thefirst in line to wish when hes there celebrating withhis friends, those women giving him " bday bumps" and such.. at the same time i dont want it to seem like I am mean and cold hearted, im not Wat to do? wish or not wish?

 

I really just got to the point where I realized he is moving on with his life and I need to do the same. Now I haven't done anything to make him think I wasn't moving on but I mean within myself, my own closure of needing to move on too.

 

It was simple really. I started thinking how nice it would be to be able to wish him a happy holiday... But then the overthinking started and I realized it really shouldn't be that hard. Even though I have no intention of breaking NC, the emotional stress of should I or shouldn't I send a simple stupid text is exhausting! It never used to be like that and it isn't like that with any of my actual friends. I can send the message, no second thoughts. That's when it hit me, the answer is obvious. He is not my friend. We are not friends. Everything between us is complicated, right down to sending a stupid generic text message. Certainly not worth the effort. Then I thought why should I give a damn if he is having a good holiday? Why should I care how he is? Does he even give a damn about how I am or how my holiday is? NO so why should I give my care and attention? To feed his ego? To make him feel like a winner? No sir not at my expense.

 

It comes down to putting myself first. Neither him or his wife can decide my happiness. Whatever they decide to do with their relationship is their business. I also don't constantly wish happiness for them or their relationship because I feel like it takes away from me and my own happiness....after all are they thinking of my happiness? Nope.

[prettyeyes87]

You sound like a very smart, independent woman. You really have to set your foot down with men, I've found, else they don't take you seriously. I am learning how to set my boundaries, myself.

 

Thank you. I have only been at this for one month but I'm trying I think I'm at the phase where you want to contact but then you think about it and you know you'd feel worse if you did contact so you just leave it alone. I think I saw it somewhere here on loveshack about exMM never responding how you think and ending up being even more disappointed. I think of that too, that he will probably never respond how he used to...so that helps keep me in check

Edited November 30, 2014 by prettyeyes87

[GirlStillStrong]

Thank you. I have only been at this for one month but I'm trying I think I'm at the phase where you want to contact but then you think about it and you know you'd feel worse if you did contact so you just leave it alone. I think I saw it somewhere here on loveshack about exMM never responding how you think and ending up being even more disappointed. I think of that too, that he will probably never respond how he used to...so that helps keep me in check

 

For me it's less that it would make me feel worse and more that I'm afraid talking to him will just suck me back into the daily A "routine." For whatever reason, maybe I am absentminded, I am easily drawn back in and then it takes over my life and I can't get my own stuff done or I find myself angry because we are not together. I'm sick of the not knowing, sick of him (and my life) not settling down so I can get back to business, and sick of giving so much and getting so little. Of course there were benefits I received in my A with MM but I really wish I had never started it. It was fun at first but As just take so much time and energy, they're exhausting, and I dislike drama, which apparently you can't avoid. Mine was mostly an emotional affair and it made me wonder what it is about marriage that so many men seek out that emotional connection, that bond? Why can't they just connect with their wives that way?

 

Sorry if I've gone off topic. Thanks for letting me share here on your thread.

[prettyeyes87]

For me it's less that it would make me feel worse and more that I'm afraid talking to him will just suck me back into the daily A "routine." For whatever reason, maybe I am absentminded, I am easily drawn back in and then it takes over my life and I can't get my own stuff done or I find myself angry because we are not together. I'm sick of the not knowing, sick of him (and my life) not settling down so I can get back to business, and sick of giving so much and getting so little. Of course there were benefits I received in my A with MM but I really wish I had never started it. It was fun at first but As just take so much time and energy, they're exhausting, and I dislike drama, which apparently you can't avoid. Mine was mostly an emotional affair and it made me wonder what it is about marriage that so many men seek out that emotional connection, that bond? Why can't they just connect with their wives that way?

 

Sorry if I've gone off topic. Thanks for letting me share here on your thread.

 

I'm not really sure what it is about MM seeking outside validation. I have thought about every angle of exMM's marriage and I came to the conclusion that I will never understand his marriage because I am not supposed to. I can't take the headache of trying to figure it out anymore either. From what I do know about his marriage that has nothing to do with anything he told me, it is a pretty unhappy marriage. But it is his choice to stay in it and it is my choice not to be his emotional crutch. He will cope with his marriage however he did before I came back into his life.

 

You are welcome to crash my thread I like being able to interact with people who understand and are going through the same things. The sad thing about loveshack is how similar everyone's stories, heartbreak and pain seems. But it's also a good thing to have a place to come and share those feelings with people who have gone through or are still going through it. In everyday life it can feel like you are the only one and all alone in your pain (because MM is our dirty little secret as well). It's nice to know there is a club to join lol

[herself]

Wanting friendship is a way of keeping the door open for the jilted AP as well.

It's a small glitter of hope one can someday feel that love overflowing again.

If not that its a way to keep ap in your life, a trick to the mind you still matter if the friendship is at least still there or at the very least that you will not forget such a passionate experience nor be forgotten.

In your case you are too wise to allow yourself to be tricked by emotions and holding on to what's no longer there.

From experience it's even more painful to be in the friendzone after such closeness.

Things are awkward and strained and even a few slips back giving false hope only to end up at square one...broken hearted and battling the same effin loneliness, why's and pain.

Best way is like a bandaid...close the door, block all contact everything and strict NC.

It's the quickest way to be out of the mess and Moving forward to indifference.

Often times when A restarts its just one or bith unable to let go of addiction of contact and thrills. It never quite goes back the same as the origional bond.

Best always when its ended to let it be DONE.

[prettyeyes87]

Guess today is a bad day…. But as long as I don’t break NC, I guess I’m doing ok. I do pretty good at staying busy during the day and trying to keep my mind off exMM but sometimes at night is the hardest, that’s when my mind really wanders no matter how hard I try. But I just accept that right now I do miss him and these feelings need to run their course. I can’t beat myself up everytime I slip and think of him…So anyway last night I got to thinking about certain things my ex MM said to me at the beginning of the end with us. He said that I deserved better, that he can’t give me what I deserve, that I am such a special person blah blah blah. He also said “what kind of man would I be if I couldn’t give you everything”. *barf* so I went reading on loveshack and see that this is a common cowardly theme with these MM. I honestly can’t stand the “it’s not you, it’s me” excuse. It’s like dude be a man and be real, you want to work on your marriage! But I guess I can’t expect that since he couldn’t even be real with his wife about his own wants and needs.

 

I just really hate that excuse, it’s like they think they are softening the blow but really it feels like a slap in the face. It actually can make a person feel worse , like “If I deserve all this, then why don’t YOU want me”. I know that a lot times these MM are just blowing smoke when they say this stuff but really who are they to know or tell anyone what they deserve? How do they even have a clue? I don’t need exMM to tell me I’m beautiful, special and deserve better because I already know that! And nothing changed in me so he knew I deserved better from the get go so don’t act like you care NOW. Don’t think of my well-being now that it’s all said and done. When exMM told me “what kind of man would I be if I couldn’t give you everything you deserve”, I said back “The kind of man you are being right now and the man you were when this started and the man you still are now it’s over, you haven’t changed”. When he told me I deserved better, I just laughed him. Dude you have no idea what I deserve… Sorry had to vent and get that off my chest.

 

How do you guys feel about MM or guys in general who take the “it’s not you, it’s me. You deserve better, I can’t give you what you deserve” approach….?

[FusionCutter]

MM/MW are conflict avoidant, so therefore they would always use an excuse like this. It's normal that they would say something like this. They can't tell the truth to their wives so why do you expect them to be up to tell you the truth?

[prettyeyes87]

MM/MW are conflict avoidant, so therefore they would always use an excuse like this. It's normal that they would say something like this. They can't tell the truth to their wives so why do you expect them to be up to tell you the truth?

 

You are right about the conflict avoidant behavior. I don't have any expectations of exMM, not even the truth. I just take it those comments are meant to make us feel better exceat they don't...

[DKT3]

Guess today is a bad day…. But as long as I don’t break NC, I guess I’m doing ok. I do pretty good at staying busy during the day and trying to keep my mind off exMM but sometimes at night is the hardest, that’s when my mind really wanders no matter how hard I try. But I just accept that right now I do miss him and these feelings need to run their course. I can’t beat myself up everytime I slip and think of him…So anyway last night I got to thinking about certain things my ex MM said to me at the beginning of the end with us. He said that I deserved better, that he can’t give me what I deserve, that I am such a special person blah blah blah. He also said “what kind of man would I be if I couldn’t give you everything”. *barf* so I went reading on loveshack and see that this is a common cowardly theme with these MM. I honestly can’t stand the “it’s not you, it’s me” excuse. It’s like dude be a man and be real, you want to work on your marriage! But I guess I can’t expect that since he couldn’t even be real with his wife about his own wants and needs.

 

I just really hate that excuse, it’s like they think they are softening the blow but really it feels like a slap in the face. It actually can make a person feel worse , like “If I deserve all this, then why don’t YOU want me”. I know that a lot times these MM are just blowing smoke when they say this stuff but really who are they to know or tell anyone what they deserve? How do they even have a clue? I don’t need exMM to tell me I’m beautiful, special and deserve better because I already know that! And nothing changed in me so he knew I deserved better from the get go so don’t act like you care NOW. Don’t think of my well-being now that it’s all said and done. When exMM told me “what kind of man would I be if I couldn’t give you everything you deserve”, I said back “The kind of man you are being right now and the man you were when this started and the man you still are now it’s over, you haven’t changed”. When he told me I deserved better, I just laughed him. Dude you have no idea what I deserve… Sorry had to vent and get that off my chest.

 

How do you guys feel about MM or guys in general who take the “it’s not you, it’s me. You deserve better, I can’t give you what you deserve” approach….?

 

I think its the only time he has been honest. In translation what he is saying is "I'm never nor was I ever planning on leaving my wife, I'm happy with my marriage and what we have is just some extra for me".

 

I think the issue most OW have is they believe everything but clues that MM's marriage isn't that bad and he is not leaving it. For whatever reason that just get ignored. I'm guessing that its the same message he has been sending all along, its only now that is ending/ended that your hearing it.

 

I'm sure its not what you want to hear because you have real emotions invested, but you do deserve much better. You deserve a man who will be loyal and faithful to you and only you.

[carhill]

How do you guys feel about MM or guys in general who take the “it’s not you, it’s me. You deserve better, I can’t give you what you deserve” approach….?

 

Smooth-talk sympathy troll. The words seem noble and the knight is falling on his sword of humility but it's just double-talk.

 

fMM - seen it all and yup, encountered my fair share of MW's who trolled this way too.

[prettyeyes87]

I think its the only time he has been honest. In translation what he is saying is "I'm never nor was I ever planning on leaving my wife, I'm happy with my marriage and what we have is just some extra for me".

 

I think the issue most OW have is they believe everything but clues that MM's marriage isn't that bad and he is not leaving it. For whatever reason that just get ignored. I'm guessing that its the same message he has been sending all along, its only now that is ending/ended that your hearing it.

 

I'm sure its not what you want to hear because you have real emotions invested, but you do deserve much better. You deserve a man who will be loyal and faithful to you and only you.

 

Thank you. My case is a teeny bit different because exMM was separated at the time and his wife left him and moved out and his words and actions showed he was moving to end it. That's where the difference ends though. I'm just glad things never got too too serious and I'm glad we didn't have sex. So hey is he really my exMM or is he my exSM (separated man) ? Idk

[FusionCutter]

You are right about the conflict avoidant behavior. I don't have any expectations of exMM, not even the truth. I just take it those comments are meant to make us feel better exceat they don't...

 

Well. I pretty much pushed my MW to just give answers, to be honest.

 

1. That she wanted to be with me

2. That I was just a toy

3. That she was going to work on her marriage and stay with him.

 

 

She never did have an answer, for a very long time. It was always "I don't know." I found out the most painful way possible that she intended to stay with him. But she never did just verbalize it, which was what I wanted. I realized, as long as she never said that, I would have that "hope".

 

Then it dawned on me, that she was lying everyday to her husband, why couldn't she be lying to me too? If I was in the inverse situation I would never string 2 women along.

 

Then I realized she was lying to herself most of all. Then I caught her in a lie that really hurt me.

 

And I realized the whole thing was just a bag of lies and hurts.

 

Relationships should never be like this. Grown adults don't do this. Grown adults are honest with each other, even if the truth is ugly.

 

Being involved in affair is a massive sign of emotional immaturity. Although there can be a certain amount of respect for the MM/MWs that go into it saying "Look, I'm never able to leave my husband/wife."

 

At least there is a shred of honesty going on here.

 

I'm sorry to say that your time is up with this MM and he doesn't truly care for you. He can't even be mature enough to tell either women in his life the simple truth. This makes him a selfish-coward. Not a benevolent hero.

Edited December 2, 2014 by FusionCutter

[prettyeyes87]

Well. I pretty much pushed my MW to just give answers, to be honest.

 

1. That she wanted to be with me

2. That I was just a toy

3. That she was going to work on her marriage and stay with him.

 

 

She never did have an answer, for a very long time. It was always "I don't know." I found out the most painful way possible that she intended to stay with him. But she never did just verbalize it, which was what I wanted. I realized, as long as she never said that, I would have that "hope".

 

Then it dawned on me, that she was lying everyday to her husband, why couldn't she be lying to me too? If I was in the inverse situation I would never string 2 women along.

 

Then I realized she was lying to herself most of all. Then I caught her in a lie that really hurt me.

 

And I realized the whole thing was just a bag of lies and hurts.

 

Relationships should never be like this. Grown adults don't do this. Grown adults are honest with each other, even if the truth is ugly.

 

Being involved in affair is a massive sign of emotional immaturity. Although there can be a certain amount of respect for the MM/MWs that go into it saying "Look, I'm never able to leave my husband/wife."

 

At least there is a shred of honesty going on here.

 

I'm sorry to say that your time is up with this MM and he doesn't truly care for you. He can't even be mature enough to tell either women in his life the simple truth. This makes him a selfish-coward. Not a benevolent hero.

 

I agree with everything you have said. ExMM finally told the truth about working on his marriage 3 weeks AFTER the whole "you deserve better" speech. But the day it happened, it was kinda like a frantic rush and his wife tried to contact me and confirm that we were friends and it's over now. So I'm thinking maybe there was a mini dday. But what really got me is he was going to try to have both of us. Why wait 3 weeks to finally tell me what it really is? And during that 3 weeks we were still very close so how disrespectful to the wife when she thought you were working on it now.

 

He is a loser with no respect. I honestly think he was going to try and cake eat and keep us both but something happened that day where had NO choice but to make a decision. And what makes me angry was he wasn't even going to give me an option if I wanted to participate in the cake eating. He knew I had no idea he was working on his marriage and his wife was moving back home until he told me. He was going to take my choice away like he did to wife many times before.... And how could I expect any difference...