how have I gotten myself into this :/

[grayfox]

I know im probably going to be flamed for what im gonna put but I just need to get some clarity in the situation.

 

Im a free agent but the last few weeks ive become involved with a married woman, it wasn't something that was meant to happen either.

 

From whenwe first started wotking together (over 2 years ago) there had always been a spark/connection between us. It's bben ignore, dismissed as she was always with her now new husband.

 

Afew weeks ago, I slipped up and made a comment that kicked it all off and it's become a full blown affair.

 

I know whats happening isn't ideal and some might say im wrong for wanting it to carry on. I just dont know. I feel like its a crazy mash up of feelings. On one hand I care about her alot because of the friendship we have formed. On the other hand part of me wants to see where its all going to lead.

 

And yes before you ask she's alteady told me that she doesn't want to leave her marriage and that this whole situation is just madness. She doesn't want me or him hurt but been just friends is difficult now as the sexual attraction is overwhelming.

 

Also atm nc would we impossible as we work opposite each other

 

Advice would be nice good or bad... I'll understand if it's negative

 

Thanks

[FusionCutter]

I know im probably going to be flamed for what im gonna put but I just need to get some clarity in the situation.

 

Im a free agent but the last few weeks ive become involved with a married woman, it wasn't something that was meant to happen either.

 

From whenwe first started wotking together (over 2 years ago) there had always been a spark/connection between us. It's bben ignore, dismissed as she was always with her now new husband.

 

Afew weeks ago, I slipped up and made a comment that kicked it all off and it's become a full blown affair.

 

I know whats happening isn't ideal and some might say im wrong for wanting it to carry on. I just dont know. I feel like its a crazy mash up of feelings. On one hand I care about her alot because of the friendship we have formed. On the other hand part of me wants to see where its all going to lead.

 

And yes before you ask she's alteady told me that she doesn't want to leave her marriage and that this whole situation is just madness. She doesn't want me or him hurt but been just friends is difficult now as the sexual attraction is overwhelming.

 

Also atm nc would we impossible as we work opposite each other

 

Advice would be nice good or bad... I'll understand if it's negative

 

Thanks

 

She gave you a very very big sign by telling you this. Believe her. Listen to it. She's doing you a favor.

 

 

As for the second part she said she doesn't want to hurt you or him. Logically, how will that play out? Think about it. If this continues further, how does no one get hurt?

Edited November 28, 2014 by FusionCutter

[GirlStillStrong]

You made a really bad choice. Best to end it now, as it gets more difficult to end as time goes on and you both get more and more attached.

 

Maybe you should ask yourself why you got involved with an unavailable woman?

[grayfox]

Yeah I know it was a bad choice but it wasn't something that just happened over night, it only happened because I made a comment about how I felt not realising she actually felt the same. We've always had a close friendship. To the point were there was joke and rumours about if there was or wasn't anything going on. It just gone to the next level now and that's when problems start to arise.

[grayfox]

She gave you a very very big sign by telling you this. Believe her. Listen to it. She's doing you a favor.

 

 

As for the second part she said she doesn't want to hurt you or him. Logically, how will that play out? Think about it. If this continues further, how does no one get hurt?

 

Logically it's not.... I know someone will get hurt.... Im playing with fire and I know im going to get burnt...

[GirlStillStrong]

Yeah I know it was a bad choice but it wasn't something that just happened over night, it only happened because I made a comment about how I felt not realising she actually felt the same. We've always had a close friendship. To the point were there was joke and rumours about if there was or wasn't anything going on. It just gone to the next level now and that's when problems start to arise.

 

Well, you can expect there to be more problems in the future.

 

You have the chance now to prove something to yourself, that is, your own strength and integrity. It's easy to continue having this extra-marital affair (and it will always be an extra-marital affair, whether you are the married person or not), but where growth and maturity happen is in those circumstances where you have the opportunity to stand up and admit your faults, admit your mistakes, state what is good and right for this circumstance, and then do that, and remain steadfast in that decision. She may not have the strength or integrity, but do you?

[grayfox]

Well, you can expect there to be more problems in the future.

 

You have the chance now to prove something to yourself, that is, your own strength and integrity. It's easy to continue having this extra-marital affair (and it will always be an extra-marital affair, whether you are the married person or not), but where growth and maturity happen is in those circumstances where you have the opportunity to stand up and admit your faults, admit your mistakes, state what is good and right for this circumstance, and then do that, and remain steadfast in that decision. She may not have the strength or integrity, but do you?

 

Very true, i think my head is all over the place atm and previous been in this type of situation (it been me that was cheated on and hurt) I honestly should know better. Its like if where not alone then everything is OK.... As nothing happens, its when we end up alone that's when it becomes dangerous and control goes out the window

[herself]

Stop Stop Stop. Been in your shoes. Coworker.

Spoiler alert it not only ends bad...the friendship is lost forever.

[Poppy47]

Just keep on reading here and you will get a very clear picture of where you could be in 6 months and how it will play out.

 

Don't..... I smack you!!!!!!!

 

Poppy

[FusionCutter]

Logically it's not.... I know someone will get hurt.... Im playing with fire and I know im going to get burnt...

 

Listen to your brain. Not your heart. She told you everything already.

 

So what are you going to do now?

[bathtub-row]

I can save you the suspense -- this is the highway to hell and the sooner you end it, the better. And believe me when I tell you that I know what I'm talking about because I've been almost in the exact place you're in now. Fast forward 10 yrs -- same stuff, different day.

 

My situation involved the owner of the company I work at. I knew him for 2 yrs before our affair started. I didn't even know he knew I was alive. A year before our affair started, he came into town and we joked and flirted with one another but I still didn't think much of it. Then things changed a year later and I fell completely in love with him. After numerous break ups over the years, I can honestly tell you that the affair is something I wish I had never done, and when I broke up with him 2 wks into it, I wish I had stuck with that.

 

The years will go by, my friend, and you'll only get in deeper and deeper. In my case, it did not kill our friendship but I will tell you it has been one long, hard road. I would advise you with all my heart to exit stage left and extract yourself from this situation. The sooner the better.

[still_an_Angel]

Very few of these types of relationships have happy endings. You can save yourself and other people lot of hurt by nipping it in the bud.

[Morgoth]

I must be an outlier as I fail to see the problem here Grayfox?? You are a man, she is a woman, both with free will. If she wants to have a tryst, affair, sex, a side relationship with you what is the problem? Her marriage is her business, not yours. If you are old enough to not act like a love sick teenager, which it sounds like you are, based on your screen name. Do 2 people coming together have to mean anything other than 2 people coming together?

[Lessons]

Spoiler alert it not only ends bad...the friendship is lost forever.

 

This is what you don't realize going into an affair . . . and it is what causes the most pain when it ends. If you value your friendship with this woman, stop the affair NOW. There is only heartache ahead for you both.

[cif]

I must be an outlier as I fail to see the problem here Grayfox?? You are a man, she is a woman, both with free will. If she wants to have a tryst, affair, sex, a side relationship with you what is the problem? Her marriage is her business, not yours. If you are old enough to not act like a love sick teenager, which it sounds like you are, based on your screen name. Do 2 people coming together have to mean anything other than 2 people coming together?

 

Typically the people affairs do not mean much to don't come here asking for advice.. they're out there doing their thing and going on with life as usual. Since OP is asking, something doesn't feel right for him and he should refrain from involving himself with MP.

[bathtub-row]

I must be an outlier as I fail to see the problem here Grayfox?? You are a man, she is a woman, both with free will. If she wants to have a tryst, affair, sex, a side relationship with you what is the problem? Her marriage is her business, not yours. If you are old enough to not act like a love sick teenager, which it sounds like you are, based on your screen name. Do 2 people coming together have to mean anything other than 2 people coming together?

 

You make some good points here, although sadly few of these situations leave anyone unhurt. My biggest clue is the title of his post. I'm not sure he's completely on board with the whole thing.

[jellybean89]

Yes, you chose to be in affair..you went into this with full knowledge and put yourself in this position.

 

What do you expect to happen?

 

When her H finds out, what then?

[Ducky71]

You are intentionally doing something you KNOW is wrong.

 

 

You already KNOW how it's going to end up.

 

 

What was the question again?

[grayfox]

You are intentionally doing something you KNOW is wrong.

 

 

You already KNOW how it's going to end up.

 

 

What was the question again?

 

Yes I see how it logically is going to end because of past experience . But this isn't just a decision that was made out of boredom or spare of the moment.

 

It's been dormant for along time as we always just thought we was friends and nothing more. If I had kept my gob shut and had chosen my words more carefully then this wouldn't have happened.

 

Yet it has, i feel bad it has but relived it has aswell. We also have tried to stop it but seem to be at square one again afew days later.

 

Im just a mass of emotions atm.... Trying to fully get my stupid head round the whole situation.

[cif]

Tell her you need a month break and would appreciate her not initiating contact. That you'll call her. Time apart will set your head straight. Being involved with someone married will eat at your soul. You know. Each time you leave her she goes back to her main man. Some people can handle it if you keep your emotions in check. You are too emotionally invested and will end up hurt and resentful.

[Poppy47]

Typically the people affairs do not mean much to don't come here asking for advice.. they're out there doing their thing and going on with life as usual. Since OP is asking, something doesn't feel right for him and he should refrain from involving himself with MP.

 

Workplace Affairs. It's not as simple as two people coming together. Careers and futures become at risk.

At the very least, after the affair it can become a very awkward situation for one of both parties, especially if it becomes common knowledge. At worst, one or both partners risk dismissal, depending on the workplace policy.

 

Grayfox is quite right to feel uneasy.

Poppy

[FusionCutter]

Yes I see how it logically is going to end because of past experience . But this isn't just a decision that was made out of boredom or spare of the moment.

 

It's been dormant for along time as we always just thought we was friends and nothing more. If I had kept my gob shut and had chosen my words more carefully then this wouldn't have happened.

 

Yet it has, i feel bad it has but relived it has aswell. We also have tried to stop it but seem to be at square one again afew days later.

 

Im just a mass of emotions atm.... Trying to fully get my stupid head round the whole situation.

 

You are very lucky to be in a position where you're at where you are smart enough to question what you are doing.

 

Are you a person that things engaging married people is black and white issue?

 

-Yes it's wrong. Then stop.

 

 

-No it's a gray area:

 

Oh Boy. Let's see where it could possibly go if you go down this dark path. No matter how you cut it, you are disrespecting her husband and her marriage.

 

 

If you want to think about gray area, then what. You guys don't have any gray area.

 

She already said "I am not leaving her husband."

 

So what do you hope to accomplish? Casual sex? Have some standards.

 

Raise your own bar. And by this, I do not mean your expectations – rather, your standards for respect. Don't reward her bad behavior. Stick to your principles.

 

Next time she engages with you, have the balls to stand up to yourself. Or at least demand that she be truthful with her husband. Don't the shame of yourself and the company. Don't be the guy that instigates actions that could lead to a divorce. Don't you want to leave behind a positive legacy? An affair is not positive or something worth celebrating. Why do you think affairs go on in secret.

 

It's so simple. If I were you, just demand light be shined on your situation. Study this woman's character. I know it's hard because your emotions are in the way, but study her character and think deeply about what it says about her character if she's willing to do this to her husband.

 

Then you gotta look inward at your own character to understand why you would be willing to engage in such an unhealthy relationship.

Edited November 29, 2014 by FusionCutter

[OverIt75]

Emotions will fade if you refuse to feed them.

 

An affair with a married co-worker is trouble. Think about all the ways it could end (and it WILL end, by your doing, hers, or a third party). Are any of them good? Nice and happy?

 

I had an affair at work. When my BH found out, he quit my job FOR me. I wanted to reconcile so I chose not to go back. Unfortunately, it was a career-ending decision. I won't be able to work in my profession again.

 

Best of luck to you. Please, really really think before you act. Know that for every decision you make, you are actually choosing the consequences of that decision.

[Rainbowlove]

You know when it gets uglier?

 

When her husband finds out. Then you will really face the consequences of your actions and hers.

 

When your coworkers find out. Do you know how it feels to be the gossip at the water cooler??

 

Nip it now.

[Got it]

Greyfox - okay I get it. What are you wanting for the outcome? What happens next? What do you envision? You are not too terribly keen on ending it, you have a strong attraction/feelings for her, she has told you she is only interested in an affair. What do you want to do with that information?

 

I am not going to tell you what to do. But I will advise you to really think two steps ahead, what could happen and how that will impact you. Understand that feelings will only continue to intensify so protect yourself now to really think through the pros and cons and potential outcomes and then act accordingly.