HopelessRomantic1979 Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 (edited) Well, here I am on a position I never thought that I would be in. I ended my marriage of 14 years last Halloween. We are in the process of divorce now. We had 4 kids. The writing was on the wall for a long time, I just kept delaying the inevitable. As the I approached the end of our mandatory one year separation before filing for divorce, I started to feel that I wanted to get back out there. I work 2 jobs and have little time to try to meet people in the social scene so I turned to dating apps. Mostly I met scammers or people looking for hook-ups. Then I received a message from a guy who seemed to be just what I was looking for. The dating site listed him as an excellent match and I was impressed by his profile. He I'd younger than me, which was a big change for me. We hit it off right away and met in person 3 weeks later, and again the week after that. We had sex both times and it was amazing. He has been great. Supportive, attentive, loving, fun... But something seemed off, so after extensive Internet sleuthing, I found it, tons of pictures on his fiancee's Facebook page of them, very romantic pictures. I was crushed. As I prepared to confront him I realized that what I feared most was losing him. But I expected that when I called him out he wouldn't want to see me anymore and that would be the end. Instead he wanted me to stay with him and I agreed. Things are easier now that I know the truth, and harder because I know he isn't really mine. He pays me so much attention and spends so much time with me that I can't imagine how he keeps his fiancee happy. I never thought I would do this. But he makes me very happy and I have decided to be a part of his life as long as he wants me to be. I know that in the end he won't be with me, but I am going to enjoy it while I can and create lots of memories to look back on after it's over. I know it's wrong, and I know that karma will pay me back, but I am ready to face those consequences to have love however briefly. Edited November 28, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
lovinDKT3 Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 So what your saying is your worth is only to have half of a relationship? Don't allow fear to trap you in a horrible situation. Give yourself time, there is someone out there that has what your looking for and more importantly, single. Besides why settle for a guy who started off with a lie, do you believe that he will become honest later? Being in a bad marriage leave you in a place where you'll accept so much less then you would otherwise. I'm guessing this guy is a warted up toad, that you've mentally turned into a prince. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 I hope you're feeling this confident and self-assured a couple months from now, after you have gotten more emotionally attached to this guy and want (and expect) more from him. It's easy in the beginning, more difficult as time passes. Try to maintain your own life as much as possible. If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't. It's heart-wrenching. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 You're gonna get hurt and in the process help hurt his innocent fiancee. He's scum and you're settling for less, second fiddle and I think you deserve better and more. Just do NOT introduce him to your children. Keep them out of it completely. Though I do hope you stop wasting your precious time on someone who isn't yours, end it and find someone who you can love and be with all the time, not just stolen moments on the expense of his fiancee. Link to post Share on other sites
Versailles Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 Umm I am not qualified at all to say this since I am also the OW, but uh since things have just started and given that he's a man with a fiancée who still subscribes to dating apps... I think he's just playing the market and toying with you.. I would suggest to break it off immediately as he doesn't sound trustworthy... Sorry to be the bearer of bad news though I fully understand how happy you must feel after experiencing the joy of love in a very long time... Just my 2 cents worth though... Link to post Share on other sites
Nattie Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 I'm a MW, involved with a MM, so I'm not going to be too harsh here, but there's something about an engaged guy on hookup sites, going out of his way, INTENTIONALLY looking to cheat, that rubs me the wrong way. Dump this dud. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 How can the fiance not know he is on dating sites? Does it bother you to think he may be still seeing other people off these sites? And how does he have all this time to spend with you? Does he lie to her and tell her he is working or something? Why on earth would you want to be with someone who is admittedly a liar? Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 You're on the rebound and frankly, I'm not sure how you have the time, having four kids to take care of. But...as others have said...why not sort yourself out first, take care of your children, figure out yourself before searching out the next thing in your life. As an aside; I find it very ironic, that the women who are in the same boat, searching for answers for their lives, are so full of advice. Refreshing really. Link to post Share on other sites
Baby123 Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 And would you also be ok if he had other other women? But still allowed you to have a precious slice of him? Link to post Share on other sites
bambiwboone Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 I know it's fun and exciting. It makes you happy and you can almost forget the fact that he is with someone else. But let me plea with you, that you must walk away! Before feelings do start happen, and they will. There are so many single men out there who will treat you the way that you need to be treated. The living hell that you are about to come upon is not worth the fun feelings you have now. This is a game to him! Nothing more. Unless you love being second best, go now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 If you start a relationship with him, it's already tainted an on the wrong foot. The man lied to you. You're in a vulnerable state. Anyone can see this man isn't a good man based on his actions. If I were you I would tell his fiance. Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 As an aside; I find it very ironic, that the women who are in the same boat, searching for answers for their lives, are so full of advice. Refreshing really. Isn't that the whole point though? Asking advice from people who have been there, done it and got the T-Shirt. Whilst it must be nice for the perfect finger waggers to throw in there 10 cents, surely the advice of someone who is having an affair and are having their heart broken is more pertinent. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 I have decided to be a part of his life as long as he wants me to be. This is the bit that concerns me. You're giving him all the power in the R. By all means enjoy the R as long as it makes you happy - but do not stay in it beyond that point, however much he wants you there. Stay in his life for as long as *you* want to be there, and no longer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 you want the truth... this guy is playing you and you're setting yourself up for more heartache. as someone pointed out, you're on the rebound and are grabbing at straws. you want so badly to feel good about something after your divorce that you're settling for table scraps from this guy. the longer you stay in this, the harder it will be to detach. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted November 29, 2014 Share Posted November 29, 2014 Have you not read some of the heartbreak on this Forum? I suggest you do and then put yourself in the leading role. THAT will be you before long. You cannot be part of his life because you are a secret. Poppy Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted November 29, 2014 Share Posted November 29, 2014 Everything else aside, the biggest issue will be the rejection when/if he walks down the isle. At that point you'll be emotionally involved enough for heartbreak. It's just not a good move to start off your new dating life with an involved man. If you want my advice go for casual instead, with different single guys, until you're divorce is final and you're ready to be in a serious relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted November 29, 2014 Share Posted November 29, 2014 Things are easier now that I know the truth, and harder because I know he isn't really mine. He pays me so much attention and spends so much time with me that I can't imagine how he keeps his fiancee happy. Really? are you being serious? Things are easier being involved with a engaged man? Well, that is a ok if you don't have feelings develop and just want some NSA fun. Is that what you want? Have you heard of rationalization? Also sounds like you feel you one-upped his fiancée? Perhaps you can take him away from her, and he can give you a ring. You know about her but she does not know about you. Want to make it fair? Put it out in the open, let her know about you. Then see what he does. Perhaps he will choose you. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 29, 2014 Share Posted November 29, 2014 Well, here I am on a position I never thought that I would be in. ... He has been great. Supportive, attentive, loving, fun... But something seemed off, so after extensive Internet sleuthing, I found it, tons of pictures on his fiancee's Facebook page of them, very romantic pictures. I was crushed. As I prepared to confront him I realized that what I feared most was losing him. But I expected that when I called him out he wouldn't want to see me anymore and that would be the end. Instead he wanted me to stay with him and I agreed. You are already emotionally invested in this man big time and that is going to be your undoing. After 14 years and the trauma of a failed marriage, you are a sponge to any drop of dirty water that happens to fall near you. He could be the worst man in the world, and you will be singing his praises, because you NEED him. I know on here we tend to lump all WSs in together, but I do get that someone, even anyone perhaps, who is in an unhappy, stale, loveless marriage may have reasons for cheating, reasons to seek happiness elsewhere perhaps? Who am I to judge. BUT for a man to regularly cheat on his fiancee, that shows him up to be a particularly nasty version of a creep IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 29, 2014 Share Posted November 29, 2014 Engaged people are not married, and some engaged people meet other people and decide they do not want to be engaged any more and that is fine. But it appears he is not going to leave her for you, you do not have that sort of relationship, so for your own sanity, then please grab some self respect and ditch him. The fall out from this could be dreadful. Your kids could even be hounded about this at school. Link to post Share on other sites
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