I have been cheated on

[wii]

I have always been a career woman, the kind who puts her ambitions first. I was never into marriage, but thanks to familial pressure I had to get married (arranged). I tried as much as possible to be fair to my spouse because it wasn't his fault I was stuck in this, but I guess I haven't done my best.

 

It has been five years, and I began getting the hints from neighbors. A girl from work, they say, who's around 21-22. The young and beautiful kind. I've never read his messages before but last night, I finally got round to reading them after hearing all this. A lot of flirty messages and plans of meeting to go to movies. Here I was thinking he was working weekends.

 

I did not confront him, but I guess he sensed a change in my tone. I guess the guilt was eating him, so he kept asking me why I was being so aloof and distant. I hinted he would know what the reason was, until he finally confessed. But he said he didn't want to give her up, but he didn't know what he wanted to do about us either. He said he knew right from the start I wasn't into this marriage 100 percent. I agree I'm not perfect. But I tried to keep him as happy as possible. Since I had to move cities for my job I told him I wouldn't take the job up, as much as I hated the decision. Maybe I'm not beautiful but I keep myself healthy and work out. He said he didn't feel that I ever loved him, and that he didn't know if there was a way out.

 

Am I really as much at fault as he says I am? I asked him if they had gotten physical and he said it was just one time. I am broken now and have no words. I really wish I knew if I was so much at fault.

[purplesorrow]

I have always been a career woman, the kind who puts her ambitions first. I was never into marriage, but thanks to familial pressure I had to get married (arranged). I tried as much as possible to be fair to my spouse because it wasn't his fault I was stuck in this, but I guess I haven't done my best.

 

It has been five years, and I began getting the hints from neighbors. A girl from work, they say, who's around 21-22. The young and beautiful kind. I've never read his messages before but last night, I finally got round to reading them after hearing all this. A lot of flirty messages and plans of meeting to go to movies. Here I was thinking he was working weekends.

 

I did not confront him, but I guess he sensed a change in my tone. I guess the guilt was eating him, so he kept asking me why I was being so aloof and distant. I hinted he would know what the reason was, until he finally confessed. But he said he didn't want to give her up, but he didn't know what he wanted to do about us either. He said he knew right from the start I wasn't into this marriage 100 percent. I agree I'm not perfect. But I tried to keep him as happy as possible. Since I had to move cities for my job I told him I wouldn't take the job up, as much as I hated the decision. Maybe I'm not beautiful but I keep myself healthy and work out. He said he didn't feel that I ever loved him, and that he didn't know if there was a way out.

 

Am I really as much at fault as he says I am? I asked him if they had gotten physical and he said it was just one time. I am broken now and have no words. I really wish I knew if I was so much at fault.

 

You can't force a person to cheat, that was all his choice. If he was unhappy with your marriage, he had other options that didn't include cheating. Don't blame yourself for him not being able to go about your marriage in an adult way. No one is perfect.

[jbrent890]

As others will tell you, you are responsible for 50% of the marriage. His affair is 100% on him. If he really felt the way he did, then he should have said something to you or ended the marriage. Sadly he chose a more selfish option. The ball is in your court now. Do you want to stay married to him after this? If you choose to work it out, then you can't go back to the way things were. Personally, I would call this one quits. It doesn't really sound like you wanted to be married to him in my he first place. There are plenty of wonderful men out there and I think you deserve to be with one of them.

[GirlStillStrong]

Oh hogwash. Then by the same token why have you not cheated on him? I have dealt with every manner of human relationship dysfunction for way too many decades and of one thing I am 100% certain: Whenever you hear someone blaming or otherwise shifting responsibility for personal behavior, you are dealing with a crazymaker. Whenever you find yourself second guessing yourself like this, especially to the point where you have to post about it on a web site, you are being manipulated. Time to step back and get some emotional distance from him and his affair.

[FusionCutter]

First of all this is not your fault. At all. If people are in crappy relationship, they essentially have 4 options.

 

1. Do nothing.

2. Talk it out and fix issues

3. Leave the relationship

4. Cheat

 

Cheating is the worst and the most selfish option of them all. So the question becomes what are you going to do with him?

[Friskyone4u]

You won 50% of the marital problems. He owns 100% of the cheating.

You either stay in the open marriage he has now positioned you in or you start demanding what your conditions for R are.

Starting with that there are not going to be three people in your marriage. See an attorney and one out your rights. And give him a short time limit , like 30 minutes to send a communication in front of you that the A is over.

Of course that is if you decide that this is not a complete deal breaker.

[Poppy47]

It's not your fault at all. He chose to cheat.

 

It actually sounds like you both went into the marriage halfheartedly so get out of it.

 

I take it you are a successful professional woman and can support yourself? Get out of the marriage as soon as you can.

 

Poppy.

[wii]

Thanks for your replies everyone.

 

As an update, my husband and I talked about this. I don't know whether this is a purposeful display of audacity, or whether my husband is really insensitive, but he said she couldn't find a place to live. I asked him why she couldn't just live with her parents but he didn't have an answer, he just said she had to move out of her house. Now he wants her to live with us.

Now I am usually more accommodating than this, but allowing a potential cheat into my house? I was shocked and disgusted. I am pretty sure he just wants her to move in so they could make the affair easier.

I told him I was firmly against her coming in, to which he said that I had no choice, and she would be arriving the next morning.

Frankly, at this point, I feel like there's no point. I don't have a place to go to if I don't want her around, since he's not ready to leave.

I just wanted to share this.

[evanescentworld]

Contact his family. Tell them what he has done, and what he is planning to do.

Tell him that if she arrives at the house you will contact the police and get her removed as a trespasser, and change all the locks.

 

Do NOT tolerate this. It is not an obligation on your part, in any way shape or form.

Which country do you live in?

[wii]

Yes, I am planning on contacting his family. I live in India, but this isn't representative of most marriages in my country. Just my luck I landed a jerk.

What hurts is the sacrifices I made for his convenience never surface when he is doing this. He just conveniently says I don't love him/care about him and I that there is no excitement/passion anymore. If he had told me he felt that way earlier, I surely would have changed thins for him.

[evanescentworld]

You need to prevent her from entering your property. I suggest you call on some good friends and get them to be there with you, and actually bar her way.

Do NOT lay a finger on her. That would be possible assault. But make sure she knows that her moving in is completely unacceptable, untenable and in no way possible.

 

Please, act now, even if it means getting family members involved.

[sunburned]

This is truly one of the most awful situations I've read about on LS. He just copped to the affair and wants her to move in?? I don't know much about your culture, but I know arranged marriages are common in India. Is it difficult to divorce? Talk to your family, talk to his, talk to HER family. Tell his friends and co-workers. Expose this and shame them both. Can you kick him out and tell him he's now free to help her find a place to live and live there with her?? It sounds like you have a career and can support yourself. I'm also guessing no kids yet? Really, just walk away from this sham of a marriage.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for your replies everyone.

 

As an update, my husband and I talked about this. I don't know whether this is a purposeful display of audacity, or whether my husband is really insensitive, but he said she couldn't find a place to live. I asked him why she couldn't just live with her parents but he didn't have an answer, he just said she had to move out of her house. Now he wants her to live with us.

Now I am usually more accommodating than this, but allowing a potential cheat into my house? I was shocked and disgusted. I am pretty sure he just wants her to move in so they could make the affair easier.

I told him I was firmly against her coming in, to which he said that I had no choice, and she would be arriving the next morning.

Frankly, at this point, I feel like there's no point. I don't have a place to go to if I don't want her around, since he's not ready to leave.

I just wanted to share this.

 

Are you f'ing kidding me? Seriously, does he have a head injury that made him stupid? The balls he has to even consider this a possibility. It's laughable and quite pathetic at the same time. Does she have any friends she can stay with?

 

Kick him out and tell him to go take her to a hotel with him and that you'll be filing for divorce immediately. What an a-hole!!

 

Sorry you're hurting.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, I am planning on contacting his family. I live in India, but this isn't representative of most marriages in my country. Just my luck I landed a jerk.

What hurts is the sacrifices I made for his convenience never surface when he is doing this. He just conveniently says I don't love him/care about him and I that there is no excitement/passion anymore. If he had told me he felt that way earlier, I surely would have changed thins for him.

 

He is blaming you for everything. Such crap!!

 

You're better off without him.

 

This is truly one of the most awful situations I've read about on LS. He just copped to the affair and wants her to move in??

 

Agreed. I've read a lot members stories on here, think this one takes the cake.

[howcouldInotknow]

WOW!!! Hopefully she doesn't come from a very traditional family as her options will be very limited. Nothing else to say but hugs as this sounds like hell on earth

[Versailles]

I feel sorry for your situation and thought I should just share what I know my friend did in a similar situation. My friend is also Indian and also had an arranged marriage. I suppose both parties knew there was no love and they were just there because they happened to be a good match for their families for social status, etc.

 

So when the H did have OW, my friend was really hurting at first but when she had calmed down, she realized that since she didn't actually love him, she was mostly just hurting because her pride and self worth as a woman had been trampled upon. Anyway, I don't know the full details but they eventually worked something out so that on surface they were still married and they still have regular family time with their kids, but they have some kind of schedule where he can go off to do whatever he wants.

 

That's not going to work for everyone and probably not long term but anyway, that's how it ended (for now) for her. I agree with you 100% that there is no way he can bring OW to your house and I'm sure both your families would object to that, please do get as much support from his family as possible!