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affairs ....it's tough to end


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Last week I moved away. Almost 10 hours. He got a group invite and came to going away...he asked for a one on one going away which I did. He also met me for cofee the morning I left at 6am.

Both times we hugged tightly. It was surreal saying goodbye to going on 14 years eap.

He has called/texted/emailed. All SO sweet, missing me, concerned for me, loving me...

Its like...we were NC for a few months...I opened back the door after he came to party and was so reassuring, genuinely sweet and kind and supportive.

Im.embarrassed to say we fell into the same trap...him calling on the way home, texting, emailing...so soft...sweet...supportive.

One day he "fell" after resolving we would not go this route suggesting he finds me sexy...wishes we could meet (Im nearly 10 hours away now and we haven't sexted for MONTHS ). After those long close hugs goodbye...soft sweet kisses on cheecks lips (no tounflge..) my emotions that were nearly healed got stirred up again.

He pulled back again the very SECOND I expressed desire to reciprocate.

Look..the guy loves his wife and family...

I am in a unique situation to be making a new start. No landmarks. No old triggers to remind me...

No BS judgement. Just advice from MOW its easy to make a fresh start now. I already requested NC AGAIN....give me thoughts on leaving this in the past. He begged and pleaded...dont give up on me/us...but I want to...need to.

I love him but its time.

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You just have to do it. There is no easy way. For me the final final end came once husband knew. From reading your posts I'm sure you would never confess which leaves just dooing it. That means being strong.

 

Honest question, why move? I don't want this to sound like I'm jugding you, but how can you be truly commited to your marriage and husband when you've been loyal to MM beyond what you've been with your husband, so why move? Why not roll the dice and let your husband go start this new life? Remove the complications IE marriage, kids, money, which guy would you choose? From what you've been posting its seems MM.

 

You just have to change something, this is so unfair to the BS's. You had a chance for a clean break and you balked, can you be strong enough to end this on your own?

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He pulled back again the very SECOND I expressed desire to reciprocate.

I already requested NC AGAIN....give me thoughts on leaving this in the past. He begged and pleaded...dont give up on me/us...but I want to...need to.

I love him but its time.

 

You will be 'done' with him when you're sick and tired of the cat and mouse game. That come here, go away dynamic has been there all throughout and will continue to be there. End it. Focus on your new life away and do your best to rid of him. Stick to your plan and make yourself accountable, be strong and reinvest in your husband. Focus only on him because he is the one who has your back all the time, not your married 'friend.'

 

He is emotionally manipulating you Herself! He knows you're weak in the knees for him so NC is the only way to go so you can have full control.

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IfWishesWereHorses

He pulled back again the very SECOND I expressed desire to reciprocate.

 

Here's the problem. YOU have to decide NOT to reciprocate. He wants an affair. That's not changing. What do you want?

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He pulled back again the very SECOND I expressed desire to reciprocate.

 

Here's the problem. YOU have to decide NOT to reciprocate. He wants an affair. That's not changing. What do you want?

 

I don't think he wants an affair.

I think he wants to be an honest husband.

After he pulled back we had a chat.

I said I did nc to be over this and after months when I am not flirting in any way at all and just being super platonic you pull me back in with all the words and actions and softness you know will 'get' me...why do you do it?

He said its because he doesn't feel the love he needs from me almost like were just buddies and getting closer like that brings it about...

And when he pulled back he tried to leave the door open saying he had gone too far with things and he couldn't guarentee it wouldn't happen again as the chemistry and attraction were so strong...I called him out saying..its when YOU need it and want it...your timing and YOUR needs. He said your right I'm sending mixed messages and I can't have my cake and eat it too. So he basically admitted he was being an ass.

 

He left this long vm...dont give up on me, I love everything you bring to my life, we've gone through so much in our friendship but we always weather the storm...

Finally he said in a message...the relationship and soft moments and talk have gotten intertwined. Can we both not feed that and still be ok and secure enough that if it isn't being expressed we are still fine?

 

I guess the thing is here...Im done. Yes I do love his friendship but its cost me so much to have once had a fairytale whirlwind romance within it and to have that taken away. But I recovered. Nc and reinvesting in life and hubby...I found the strength to let go.

But being emotionally abandoned again...taking a sip from the cup then remembered how it felt to be SO loved and wanted that way...stirred it all back up and each time it hurts more and is harder.

 

I believe this time he's SO ready to let that side of us die completely.

I'm not worried I cant end ea...Im just worried I cant ever let this go.

I thought I was already past this. Now Im sad, vulnerable and upset missing the ea again.

 

Just want to finally be done cause clearly...I wasn't.

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You will be 'done' with him when you're sick and tired of the cat and mouse game. That come here, go away dynamic has been there all throughout and will continue to be there. End it. Focus on your new life away and do your best to rid of him. Stick to your plan and make yourself accountable, be strong and reinvest in your husband. Focus only on him because he is the one who has your back all the time, not your married 'friend.'

 

He is emotionally manipulating you Herself! He knows you're weak in the knees for him so NC is the only way to go so you can have full control.

 

This is 100% the perfect response. Thank you so much for writing it.

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Poppy's sister

Oh my, you poor thing, really do understand how hard it is. I think you just have to stop reading the messages, it's very hard not to respond to that kind of pull. And yes that fairy tale is hard to give up...but you did it, you have gone n,c before. I really can't advice as don't know if I could do it, well put it this way, I haven't...yet....just wanted to post so you know that there are people out there who understand and don't judge. This guy maybe seem an absolute cake eating ass to us reading your post but you love him, and invested in the dream of being with him and giving it up is hard. So hugs...

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IfWishesWereHorses

I think he's asking you to accept crumbs and be ok with it. The back and forth is typical. It sounds like he says one thing then automatically contradicts himself. 14 years is a LONG time. I think he's purposefully manipulating you to stay but not expect too much.

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Oh my' date=' you poor thing, really do understand how hard it is. I think you just have to stop reading the messages, it's very hard not to respond to that kind of pull. And yes that fairy tale is hard to give up...but you did it, you have gone n,c before. I really can't advice as don't know if I could do it, well put it this way, I haven't...yet....just wanted to post so you know that there are people out there who understand and don't judge. This guy maybe seem an absolute cake eating ass to us reading your post but you love him, and invested in the dream of being with him and giving it up is hard. So hugs...[/quote']

 

Thank you so much. This was very comforting in this time.

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I think he's asking you to accept crumbs and be ok with it. The back and forth is typical. It sounds like he says one thing then automatically contradicts himself. 14 years is a LONG time. I think he's purposefully manipulating you to stay but not expect too much.

 

Yep...and I've accepted those crumbs for so long. I'm to blame for opening back up the door when I was so close to being healed.

Makes me so upset he was able to gain the knowledge I still got it for him like that.

His ego was stroked. He gets me everytime with his ways.

I don't understand such a cold heart...but mine is now cold to him.

Lesson is don't go another round...when it's over its over.

Healing again now.

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Love=Respect, no?

 

Does he respect you? You talk about he wants to be an honest husband, yet he's being exactly the opposite of that, not only to you but to his wife.

 

He is not going to turn the the ego stroke of having another woman he knows will turn into putty as soon as he whispers any corny line that comes to his head. He takes you right to the edge..then... oh he just couldn't do it..my poor wife..but I really want you, oh the things he would do to you..right? Tease? Inauthentic? Dishonest?

 

You'd put this man above the man that has stood by and with you? Ready to move to wherever you are. Stand by you through good and bad?

 

Not judging, but to break the spell, really look past all the love haze and see the true man, willing to betray his wife, willing to feed you the same nonsense, willing to play with your emotions. This doesn't seem like a friend.

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Wow!!! Your husband deserves so much better than this crap. I could not imagine a worst fate than being in the type of marriage that you have. Whether you want to admit it or not, your husband will always come second to this guy and you think that just because things never got physical that this is okay. You closed the doors once and that failed. Moving away is not going to fix anything. No offense, but I have a strong feeling that this is going to start up again. If you don't want to tell your husband to spare his feelings (but really your scared of the consequences), then leave him. Your husband deserves better than this.

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Love=Respect, no?

 

Does he respect you? You talk about he wants to be an honest husband, yet he's being exactly the opposite of that, not only to you but to his wife.

 

He is not going to turn the the ego stroke of having another woman he knows will turn into putty as soon as he whispers any corny line that comes to his head. He takes you right to the edge..then... oh he just couldn't do it..my poor wife..but I really want you, oh the things he would do to you..right? Tease? Inauthentic? Dishonest?

 

You'd put this man above the man that has stood by and with you? Ready to move to wherever you are. Stand by you through good and bad?

 

Not judging, but to break the spell, really look past all the love haze and see the true man, willing to betray his wife, willing to feed you the same nonsense, willing to play with your emotions. This doesn't seem like a friend.

 

Exactly right your description of his disrespect to me and my contributing by turning to putty but also disrespecting my spouse.

I did not put my eap above my husband, I compartmentalize him and justify its harmless innocent fun...we were never discussing being together...we were exchanging lust and love.

Nothing of that makes it better at all.

When your in the haze your just blind and stupid.

Maybe Ive always been insecure, this was all clearly an ego boost for me as well.

My husband does love me so much and makes it clear every day.

I wish that were enough, it's confusing and hurts me I could even let another man enter my heart. Its baffling but I see I was groomed for years to fill this role for him.

And the balance of it all is when he calls on his drive home from work we talk about work, family, dreams, frustrations, news...we laugh...so it makes it so it really is disguised as a true friendship. Its not oh baby...your so hot...that was a part once though.

Its over I know. Cause I'm exhausted and only just want to love my husband fully. No one else.

Doesn't mean letting go is easy though...all those thoughtful I love you, I miss you, I'm thinking of you...they will weaken you, who wouldn't love to hear that... and thats why I can't hear them anymore.

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Wow!!! Your husband deserves so much better than this crap. I could not imagine a worst fate than being in the type of marriage that you have. Whether you want to admit it or not, your husband will always come second to this guy and you think that just because things never got physical that this is okay. You closed the doors once and that failed. Moving away is not going to fix anything. No offense, but I have a strong feeling that this is going to start up again. If you don't want to tell your husband to spare his feelings (but really your scared of the consequences), then leave him. Your husband deserves better than this.

 

Kinda wonder how you believe this is helpful?

If you read my responses I said...Im looking to let it go.

Not...how can I work on this with him?

Your post means nothing, your judgement and surmising my marriage and what I feel helped nothing and is a waste of your typing.

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Kinda wonder how you believe this is helpful?

If you read my responses I said...Im looking to let it go.

Not...how can I work on this with him?

Your post means nothing, your judgement and surmising my marriage and what I feel helped nothing and is a waste of your typing.

 

Herself I know you don't want to face it, but there is some merit to those comments. How could you think you have given your husband what he deserves in the marriage when you've used up so much emotional energy with MM. I mean its be going on your entire marriage, right? So you really don't know if only your husband is enough. If not, then like my lady asked (and you avoided) why make the move? Why stay? Is that all your husband deserves is half of you?

 

I know you have a distaste for me and may even have me blocked but those are things you really should think about.

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But weren't you looking to let it go a few months ago. Listen I'm not trying to put you down, but I don't think running away is going to solve anything. This is not a simple affair. 14 years is essentially a relationship. It's almost as if you are married to two men. Lovin asked a question that you really need to ponder "do you believe you are strong enough to end this on your own?" Again, I'm not trying to put you down, but this is so cruel. Do you honestly think this guy is going to value your request to go NC? I give this a couple of months maybe a year and he is going to contact you again. Do you think you will be able to ignore him when it happens? You tried doing this by yourself once and it did not work. Your here looking for advice and I'm trying to give it to you. There are just somethings in life one can't do on their own. My wife thought not telling me was in my best interest as well and I found out anyway. I beg of you to give your husband the respect he deserves. I know it's terrifying and I know you don't want to lose him, but again, this is just flat out cruel.

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But weren't you looking to let it go a few months ago. Listen I'm not trying to put you down, but I don't think running away is going to solve anything. This is not a simple affair. 14 years is essentially a relationship. It's almost as if you are married to two men. Lovin asked a question that you really need to ponder "do you believe you are strong enough to end this on your own?" Again, I'm not trying to put you down, but this is so cruel. Do you honestly think this guy is going to value your request to go NC? I give this a couple of months maybe a year and he is going to contact you again. Do you think you will be able to ignore him when it happens? You tried doing this by yourself once and it did not work. Your here looking for advice and I'm trying to give it to you. There are just somethings in life one can't do on their own. My wife thought not telling me was in my best interest as well and I found out anyway. I beg of you to give your husband the respect he deserves. I know it's terrifying and I know you don't want to lose him, but again, this is just flat out cruel.

 

I wasn't here askung for advice or input into my marriage. I was asking for help to put this behind me. Tips from MOW who had been there not BS who have an axe to grind.

I am under no obligation to have to respond or defend myself. We all here are free to take from the posters what is relevent and useful to us. I fell into the trap again because it was an emotionally vulnerable time moving so far and leaving forever.

Im sorry for the pain you've been through but everyone who has an A isn't the same.

Im not trying to be right or not own up. Im trying to recover, learn and move forward without him. My marriage is private and mine to decide what decisions I make toward it.

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It was surreal saying goodbye to going on 14 years eap.

 

Yep, that's how it goes. In long-term relationships, including affairs, patterns become entrenched and the brain has a hard time of letting go of the pattern of stimulation.

 

If one can say goodbye and mean it, IME that helps processing the emotions elicited by the patterns being altered. Black hole NC helps. By black hole I mean eliminating any means of bi-lateral contact. Disappearing.

 

I had the experience of saying goodbye to an attachment long enough to see children grow up and have children of their own and can look back and smile at the memories, both of the good times and the potential foolishness of such choices and see it for what it was, part of life.

 

Good luck in your choices.

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MuddyFootprints

You are right. It's not easy to disengage from unhealthy behaviour. Recognizing and admitting our emotional vulnerability is a great place to start learning healthy responses to those feelings, though.

 

For me, I had to re-learn to allow myself to be vulnerable with my husband. As uncomfortable as it can be, I had to let him back into my psyche.

 

Through weakness and fear, through strength and determination, you both have to learn to support each other.

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I wasn't here askung for advice or input into my marriage. I was asking for help to put this behind me. Tips from MOW who had been there not BS who have an axe to grind.

I am under no obligation to have to respond or defend myself. We all here are free to take from the posters what is relevent and useful to us. I fell into the trap again because it was an emotionally vulnerable time moving so far and leaving forever.

Im sorry for the pain you've been through but everyone who has an A isn't the same.

Im not trying to be right or not own up. Im trying to recover, learn and move forward without him. My marriage is private and mine to decide what decisions I make toward it.

 

I'm in no way shape or form asking you to defend yourself. I am asking you to think about the questions I raised. Do you honestly think this guy will value your NC request? Do you think you will be able to ignore his advances? Do you believe your husband deserves better than this? Your right, I don't know your marriage. I'm only going off what you have posted and I'm sorry to say that it really is heart breaking. Also, not to put you down, but if you only want to take advice that you want to hear, then maybe you should go to therapy. Trust me they will tell you all the things you want to hear. This is a forum in which you will be subjected to many different opinions as a means to help you open your eyes. I can tell you want to move past this, but wouldn't you want your husband to love you for who you really are and not the improvisation you present yourself to be?

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I'm in no way shape or form asking you to defend yourself. I am asking you to think about the questions I raised. Do you honestly think this guy will value your NC request? Do you think you will be able to ignore his advances? Do you believe your husband deserves better than this? Your right, I don't know your marriage. I'm only going off what you have posted and I'm sorry to say that it really is heart breaking. Also, not to put you down, but if you only want to take advice that you want to hear, then maybe you should go to therapy. Trust me they will tell you all the things you want to hear. This is a forum in which you will be subjected to many different opinions as a means to help you open your eyes. I can tell you want to move past this, but wouldn't you want your husband to love you for who you really are and not the improvisation you present yourself to be?

He is blocked. I think my marriage is healthy and we do great as a couple my eap was in addition to, not instead of my relationship with my h. I wasn't looking to replace anything I simply got to attached to a friend and we made the decision to end it. Its been done and he did respect my nc request UNTIL he got a group invite NOT FROM ME but probably assumed I was behind it...I WASN'T and when he came it seemed things had been sorted, my feelings were level and detached...the old original friend ship before feelings were involved was back to the forefront. Obviously I slipped back...obviously it was wrong.

It has hurt neither of our marriages so thank you AGAIN for raising a topic I told you was off the table. Im not disclosing, I feel its what's right for me and us 100%

 

Thank you to the other posters who added your thoughts as you've experienced my position and your thoughts DO help.

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I am neither an XMOW nor a BS...just a person who wants to see you at peace and done with the EA with this MM.

 

We can provide suggestions, comments, advice or snark...only you can put into action what will bring you peace and an ending to the EA.

 

As those of us in the USA are preparing food for Thanksgiving, inviting others to join us for a meal or ordering take out, I suggest we all find 3 things we are thankful for on Thursday--be it a home to provide comfort, money to be able to eat, friends/family to share the day with, assistance to someone who needs a hand (or a hug), or just a prayer of thanks to your higher power for being alive. For those that are enduring sadness due to an affair, my wish for you is peace within yourself and happiness for your heart...on Thanksgiving and every day before and after it.

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Also, I don't want you to think that I don't won't things to work out for you. I've been following your thread and others for a while and I have been praying for you. Even though I HATE you lying to your husband, I do want your marriage to work. I just believe you being honest will be more beneficial to you in the long run. However, I have a feeling in my gut that this guy is going to find some way to contact you and I think deep down you know that too. Giving up what you had is not going to be easy for him and I'm affraid that it could possibly lead to your husband finally discovering your affair. Have you thought about the possibility of this happening?

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This is 100% the perfect response. Thank you so much for writing it.

 

You're welcome. Glad to help.

 

It has hurt neither of our marriages so thank you AGAIN for raising a topic I told you was off the table. Im not disclosing, I feel its what's right for me and us 100%

 

Thank you to the other posters who added your thoughts as you've experienced my position and your thoughts DO help.

 

All I'm gonna say about your marriage is, what you feel for MM does get in the way for what you feel for your husband. Energy spent whether it's emotionally investing in MM, thinking and worrying/caring about MM does take away from your husband. Day to day it may not be noticed but the long term damage it's noticed eventually. Respectfully, someone else touched on this about having two men, losing one (MM) will leave a big hole in your heart, that sadness and probably depressed feelings, hollowness that follows, do go speak to a counselor so you can cope with it all in a healthy way.

Quote by jbrent890

Also, not to put you down, but if you only want to take advice that you want to hear, then maybe you should go to therapy. Trust me they will tell you all the things you want to hear.

 

Going to therapy, whether it be personal problems, infidelity, health issues (depression anxiety etc) does help and 1)what one puts into therapy is what they get out of it and 2)the Therapist isn't paid just to say the right things, a good therapist will push their client and make them face things they don't want to face. What's the point of counseling if the person is only going to tell you what you want to hear? Might as well save the money and not go.

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