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Would This Bother You?


Pushing Forward

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Pushing Forward

I just found out my OM was married many years ago before his M that he's about to be out of now. He's been married 29 years now but was married for 6 months a few years before that. Obviously the marriage doesn't bother me nor affect me, but he never told me about it in the 9 years we've known each other. I know there were plenty of opportunities to disclose this and I've been married before and he knows about it. When I found out he tried to say the person was a family friend not an ex wife and then came clean after I pushed. Then he said it was his story to tell and he didn't want his business out there and didn't think it was anything he needed to share. To me it just shows an even deeper level of deceit than I knew he was capable of. I don't care that he was married, but I do care that he lied about it for 9 years.

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Well, think about how he's living his life. We are never the exception to any rule. He's living a lie with his wife, why would he live his life with you any different? So, to answer your question.....yes, the deception would bother me.

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Pushing Forward

thank you..he is split from her (for two years now) and divorce hearing is next month, but yes, I see what you're saying. He told me even his (grown) children didn't know until a few years ago when his mother slipped up and mentioned it. I guess he figured if they didn't know I didn't need to either. It's just weird and makes me realize even more he's not who I thought he was.

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My xMM was married for a short time before his current marriage. He told me about it and about what happened. I think it would bother me if he had never told me about it. Almost no one knows about his first marriage so it seemed telling me meant he trusted me.

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still_an_Angel

Given the amount of time that you have been together, I think this is something that he could have disclosed years ago. Like you, MM being married prior to the current W wouldn't have bothered me, his past already happened way before I entered the picture. But this info is a part of his life, it would make me wonder what else has he got in his closet.

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I just found out my OM was married many years ago before his M that he's about to be out of now. He's been married 29 years now but was married for 6 months a few years before that. Obviously the marriage doesn't bother me nor affect me, but he never told me about it in the 9 years we've known each other. I know there were plenty of opportunities to disclose this and I've been married before and he knows about it. When I found out he tried to say the person was a family friend not an ex wife and then came clean after I pushed. Then he said it was his story to tell and he didn't want his business out there and didn't think it was anything he needed to share. To me it just shows an even deeper level of deceit than I knew he was capable of. I don't care that he was married, but I do care that he lied about it for 9 years.

 

Not sure how this is deceitful? His past is his past, he was married for 6 months to a 'family friend', maybe he married cousin without knowing they were related. Who knows. But, he has his reasons as to why he kept it quiet from his current ex, his kids and you. Maybe he is ashamed. He didn't just hide from you, seems he hid it from his first wife and kids.

 

Red flag? Probably. Does this change things between you two? Is he divorcing his wife to be with you or did he chose to divorce regardless if you were there or not? You're not obligated to stay with him for life if you feel he isn't the one for you. Just saying if you need to end it, do so and don't feel guilty. He's a big boy.

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GirlStillStrong

IDK. It's not like you found out he spent 10 years in jail for murdering someone, or that he is a recovering heroin addict. How does a 6-mo marriage 30 years ago have any effect on you? I'm sure there are plenty of things I did 20-30 years ago that I would rather just not talk about to anyone anymore. That was the past, I was a different person then, and quite honestly, I don't necessarily want people knowing all the mistakes I made when I was young and stupid. Is that deceitful?

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IDK. It's not like you found out he spent 10 years in jail for murdering someone, or that he is a recovering heroin addict. How does a 6-mo marriage 30 years ago have any effect on you? I'm sure there are plenty of things I did 20-30 years ago that I would rather just not talk about to anyone anymore. That was the past, I was a different person then, and quite honestly, I don't necessarily want people knowing all the mistakes I made when I was young and stupid. Is that deceitful?

 

NO, but after 9 years you would think it may have come up in conversation somewhere and this sounds a bit deceitful really, no?

When I found out he tried to say the person was a family friend not an ex wife and then came clean after I pushed.

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GirlStillStrong

I wouldn't read too much into it. It was obviously a mistake; they were only married 6 months. Unless you're looking for a reason to break it off with him, I'd just let it go.

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eye of the storm

Just because you are in a relationship with someone, to me, does not give you license to dig into their entire life. I have things in my life I don't talk about and I expect my partners to have the same.

 

If it didn't affect you, and this didn't, and he wanted it kept private...I would keep my nose out of it.

 

How did you find out about it anyway?

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I wouldn't read too much into the fact that he never told you. However, the fact that he lied about it when you brought it up to him would be a red flag IMO. Why lie if it was just a mistake, or it didn't mean anything?

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Don't sweat over it...it's something long gone that happened when he most probably was a different person, immature, etc. Just like the previous comments mentioned, it doesn't really matter, the whole thing may have a 'deeper' story behind it, something bad, something embarrassing and he may not have wanted to look bad in your eyes since the story has ended so long ago.

 

It doesn't make him suspicious or a liar, imo....It is strange, but it isn't that strange to make it bad. Addictions, debt or jail time would have mattered more than this. :cool:

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GirlStillStrong

Just thought of something. Kinda puzzling. You have been having an affair with a MM for 9 years and are only now just questioning whether or not he is deceitful, over his keeping silent about something he did more than 30 years ago?

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