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I think I have hit the last straw


midwestgirl8429

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midwestgirl8429

I have been with my mm for almost two years. He has been emotionally separated for over 3 yrs but physically separated for 7 mos. Two times the W has showed up where she found out where we would be at. First time both of us, mostly her, had words in front of both of our kids and the Second time their older child tatteling to mom then created to make a scene at the restaurant with my boyfriend saying this is not the place and for her to stop! Since he has been out of the house, every time he wants to take the kids to spend alone time with the kids he let's her go. As if they are a happy family. Maybe that explains why he has been extra, friendly and helpful this week. If it weren't for a, friend pointing where they were and that she was with him, I don't think i would if known. He told me they were doing and where, then my friend pointed out..not so. I feel he lied. I'm glad he spends time with the kids, but when does her being with them ever end? Where are the boundaries? !

Edited by midwestgirl8429
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eye of the storm

Midwest, it doesn't sound like he is truly done with his marriage. If he were he would be putting up some healthy boundaries.

 

In addition he is lying to you about it. If he were doing something he was not ashamed of he would be honest about it.

 

You need to decide if you are willing to accept his behavior or will you put up some healthy boundaries of your own.

 

And by healthy, I mean figuring out what you will and will not accept and then enforcing them.

 

If you tell someone that a behavior is unacceptable but then you accept it...you are showing them it is acceptable to you.

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GirlStillStrong

Just goes to show that trying to be in a relationship with a married person just wastes so much of your time, attention, and energy! You spend +/- 85% of your life worried, paranoid, trying to figure out what he is doing, talking to him about it, talking to friends about it, researching/reading or posting on web pages about it, or otherwise reacting to and/or trying to manage your feelings about the dysfunction and toxic crap being in an affair brings, even when it's just an emotional affair.

 

It's just not worth the aggravation.

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They aren't divorced, they are separated.

 

End things with him, go NC and tell him to contact you once he's officially divorced. OR, stay and put up with sharing him with his wife.

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Just goes to show that trying to be in a relationship with a married person just wastes so much of your time, attention, and energy! You spend +/- 85% of your life worried, paranoid, trying to figure out what he is doing, talking to him about it, talking to friends about it, researching/reading or posting on web pages about it, or otherwise reacting to and/or trying to manage your feelings about the dysfunction and toxic crap being in an affair brings, even when it's just an emotional affair.

 

It's just not worth the aggravation.

 

That statement couldn't be more true! Unfortunately I know that first hand and it sucks.

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Midwest girl your post really triggered me, Me and MM are now in an out in the open relationship and he is divorced but it wasn't easy getting here. MM left his BS after two months of us being together. We loved eachother and had lots of fun however we had some issues in our relationship based on the age gap and me taking a big career move and city.

 

This made him pull away from me and towards the BS after a year of being separated, it started off with things like him dropping the kids off to cinema trips. As soon as I found out I should have gave him an ultimatum. I didn't, I stayed and I accepted. This went on and on and I ended up so confused and hurt- he ended up leaving me to reconcile- I wish I had never accepted the bad boundaries and the bull****.

 

Don't underestimate the dangerous situation you are in, everyone including his kids will push him to reconcile. Mine went back to reconcile and go on a holiday and it nearly killed me.

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midwestgirl8429

I am not dealing with it very well and now with the holidays it's hurting more. I think I know what i need to do and most of what everyone says is probably true but it's so hard to bring myself to do it

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Don't let him play you or use emotional blackmail- he really needs to understand that you won't accept these boundaries.

 

My prediction from what you've said is he will go back.

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I have been with my mm for almost two years. He has been emotionally separated for over 3 yrs but physically separated for 7 mos. Two times the W has showed up where she found out where we would be at. First time both of us, mostly her, had words in front of both of our kids and the Second time their older child tatteling to mom then created to make a scene at the restaurant with my boyfriend saying this is not the place and for her to stop! Since he has been out of the house, every time he wants to take the kids to spend alone time with the kids he let's her go. As if they are a happy family. Maybe that explains why he has been extra, friendly and helpful this week. If it weren't for a, friend pointing where they were and that she was with him, I don't think i would if known. He told me they were doing and where, then my friend pointed out..not so. I feel he lied. I'm glad he spends time with the kids, but when does her being with them ever end? Where are the boundaries? !

 

Where are the boundaries?? That's ironic coming from someone sneaking around with another woman's husband for 3 years. I also love how you call his child a tattle tale ... but your adult friend isn't? But the kicker is him telling his W "this isn't the place." But apparently it was his place to cheat on her for three years.

 

I will chime in with the others as it sounds like divorce proceedings haven't even started yet. My understanding is divorce isn't cause for OW celebration. It's just the first step into hell. Tell him you'll talk to him when it's final.

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GirlStillStrong
I am not dealing with it very well and now with the holidays it's hurting more. I think I know what i need to do and most of what everyone says is probably true but it's so hard to bring myself to do it

 

No, it's not. You just want to keep making excuses for your bad behavior.

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If I were you, I'd stop sleeping with him and just be there for him, and be his friend. You guys sleeping together is creating stress that your relationship can't sustain right now. Hopefully the two of you aren't living together. If you are, I would seriously talk about ending that situation.

 

Let him know that you love him too much to destroy things right now but that you also know that he has too many unresolved issues with his marriage. The truth is, you two should've cooled it for awhile until all of this was settled. Now he's lying to you and that's completely unacceptable. You need to let him know this, while also letting him off the hook of having to deal with two relationships right now. Most people don't know themselves and can't see the forest for the trees. He doesn't understand the confusion he's dealing with right now, and this has nothing to do with him wanting to keep his marriage together. It's just too much of a mess and I would personally cut him loose until he gets his head together.

 

I went through something similar when I left my marriage. I started dating someone within weeks of me moving out. That relationship didn't last because I was going through too much emotionally. We took a 2 mo break and at the end of it, I was back to thinking clearly. But when someone asked me what I had done during that time, I couldn't answer them. It was then that I realized what emotional turmoil I had been in. I simply couldn't process everything. I think the same is true with your MM. That's why cutting him loose would be your best move. Take yourself out of the equation, out of part of his confusion.

 

Btw, you should never again get into a situation with his ex where you're arguing with her, especially in front of the kids. This whole situation is way too volatile. Someone needs to get it back to ground zero and that person will need to be you.

Edited by bathtub-row
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I had the ex try to confront me once a few years ago and i refused to engage. Even now i dont go anywhere she might be. If she ever did it again, even though he and i have been together several years, i STILL wouldn't have words with her. But i would also insist that if WE are together then THEY are not and the hanging out will stop or i am gone, let him make his cboice. And the lying is unacceptable.

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Where are the boundaries??? He has none. He's proven that by cheating on his wife and the mother of his children... if he can justify doing that, then he'll justify doing it to you too.

 

 

You know what you got when you took him on... he's a cheater. And a liar. You know this. Don't be so surprised.

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Where are the boundaries? !

 

This on him and he's allowing it. You had an affair with him, he left his wife for you. He has no boundaries!! He had no time alone to reflect and change his ways before ending his marriage and being with you. Bad habits and past dynamics don't just up and disappear!

 

You didn't respect her marriage and she doesn't have to respect your relationship with her (ex) husband. Again, this is on him. If he wants you, then make it clear to him that he is to deal with her only when it has to do with the kids and no more hanging out with them as a family unit as it excludes you. Or, you end it and walk away.

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midwestgirl8429

When I asked him why he hasn't told her no, that he would to spend time alone with the kids, he says she starts nasty hateful arguments in front of the kids and he didn't want confrontation so he let her join them. He said it wasn't pre meditated she was going but she knew he wanted to take the kids. She knows exactly what she is doing and how to push his buttons. He also said it's the only time they have non confrontational talks because it was in public with the kids. I said that's BS, it hasn't stopped her before so what makes this different? I told him there needs to be boundries and if she refuses to let him see the kids without her presence, then he needs to consult with his attorney. I think he knows I caught him in a lie he is now a bit defensive and snippy with me.

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YOU can't make him stop HIS behavior. He is going to continue to do it. You have choices:

 

accept it

dump him

 

IF she really does this every time, then HE knows it and yes, it is 'premeditated' because it is the same thing, over and over.

 

His actions show he isn't done with her. Your actions should show him you will no longer tolerate it.

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I think he knows I caught him in a lie he is now a bit defensive and snippy with me.

 

Look, I'm not condoning him lying to you but you really, really should take this to heart: he simply cannot deal with this kind of high pressure coming from all directions. If you continue down this path of telling him what he needs to do, how he should act, etc, it's going to destroy what the two of you have. Give him a wide berth and let him sort out this mess himself. What you're doing is simply not working. Be the calm in the storm, be his safe haven. Right now, you're becoming his enemy, and he is becoming yours. Please stop this now or you guys are sunk.

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Look, I'm not condoning him lying to you but you really, really should take this to heart: he simply cannot deal with this kind of high pressure coming from all directions. If you continue down this path of telling him what he needs to do, how he should act, etc, it's going to destroy what the two of you have. Give him a wide berth and let him sort out this mess himself. What you're doing is simply not working. Be the calm in the storm, be his safe haven. Right now, you're becoming his enemy, and he is becoming yours. Please stop this now or you guys are sunk.

 

This is crap advice. You're telling her to be his doormat while heis off doing whatever he pleases. His needs? What about her needs? She's the mother of his child also. He should be committing to her and he's just not. Lying down and taking his crap is not going to work either. You just don't have his respect. Plain and simple.

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When I asked him why he hasn't told her no, that he would to spend time alone with the kids, he says she starts nasty hateful arguments in front of the kids and he didn't want confrontation so he let her join them. He said it wasn't pre meditated she was going but she knew he wanted to take the kids. She knows exactly what she is doing and how to push his buttons. He also said it's the only time they have non confrontational talks because it was in public with the kids. I said that's BS, it hasn't stopped her before so what makes this different? I told him there needs to be boundries and if she refuses to let him see the kids without her presence, then he needs to consult with his attorney. I think he knows I caught him in a lie he is now a bit defensive and snippy with me.

 

He is allowing it and he knows she is manipulating him. Either he is a very weak man, afraid to stand up to her or he's talking out of both sides of his mouth.

 

Fact that he is snippy and defensive with you instead of being patient and proving to you that it's all innocent just shows he isn't as committed to you as you thought.

 

Up to you, but I hope you just tell him goodbye. If you don't, the dance continues and you get the short end of the stick.

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This is crap advice. You're telling her to be his doormat while heis off doing whatever he pleases. His needs? What about her needs? She's the mother of his child also. He should be committing to her and he's just not. Lying down and taking his crap is not going to work either. You just don't have his respect. Plain and simple.

 

Well, it's not exactly crap advice. In my other post, I said that she needed to stop sleeping with the guy until he gets his act together, and to stop living with him if that's what they're doing. If she insists on being there and being one more negative influence in his life (which I wouldn't do), then the other alternative is to stop pressuring him. I personally think it's a mistake to be involved with him right now but, again, if she chooses that path, then she needs to stop pressuring him. You may see this as being a doormat but I can tell by her posts that this man is seriously conflicted and pressured -- by her, his ex, his kids, and probably his family. This kind of thing can and will destroy them if she doesn't back off. That's all I'm saying.

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Well, it's not exactly crap advice. In my other post, I said that she needed to stop sleeping with the guy until he gets his act together, and to stop living with him if that's what they're doing. If she insists on being there and being one more negative influence in his life (which I wouldn't do), then the other alternative is to stop pressuring him. I personally think it's a mistake to be involved with him right now but, again, if she chooses that path, then she needs to stop pressuring him. You may see this as being a doormat but I can tell by her posts that this man is seriously conflicted and pressured -- by her, his ex, his kids, and probably his family. This kind of thing can and will destroy them if she doesn't back off. That's all I'm saying.

The biggest negative influence in his life is himself!

 

If he thought with the big head instead of the little head he wouldn't be here.

 

OP the guy have the emotional maturity of a houseplant. Without learning WHY he became a cheating liar, and trying to fix that, I'm afraid all you have is a cheating liar. Who cheats. And lies. To EVERYONE... especially you.

 

 

Like I said, if he could do it to the mother of his children, he has absolutely no compunction doing it to you. Truth is, he probably feels more loyalty to her for hat very reason. Damn straight you should put your foot down, but also be prepared to walk. It will suck if you have to walk, but at least there will be no more second guessing and you will know where you stand. Don't waste any more of your life hanging around for a half committed man. After all, if he's not giving you what you need, someone will. Why settle for a man who has one foot in and another foot in somewhere else. Lets face it... the man was never completely yours - and he still isn't.

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