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After 4 months of NC (with a little slip up about a month ago or so) I'm starting to really digest the whole A-thing. And I'm beating myself up. I'm wondering how I could be so stupid and become the OW. I know that men rarely leave their W. What was I thinking? How could I just be satisfied with crumbs and spend so much time waiting for him to reply, to come over, to leave his W etc.? :(

 

Yes, I was in love, but I should have walked out with my head up high long before it ended. Instead he tried to end it many times, and it was mostly me breaking NC. And today..I STILL have a soft spot for him, and if he contacted me, I probably would reply. I feel pathetic and stupid.

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Decisiontomake

You are NOT pathetic and stupid. It's the curse of the OW at play! Us here that have been the OW get it completely. It is hard to get over and there is no magic formula. There's only discipline to work on ourselves, realize our value, listen to our moral compass (which knows it's "wrong") and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Make sure you have blocked as many ways possible for him to contact you. It doesn't take away the pain but it will ensure you don't return to the cycle x

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What you are feeling is common. I lost myself in being the OW. I don't "fault" myself for becoming one necessarily, as my exMM presented himself as in the throws of divorce initiated by his wife. It was long distance, and none of it was true. I fell (or so I thought) deeply in love with him again (recycled ex from long ago).

 

 

There is something about being in love with someone, talking about the future but never REALLY having them that creates an almost obsessive like state. It's like the carrot dangled just out of reach. But what we don't realize while we are in it is that it was never reachable, so we invest so much of our hearts in love and our heads in fantasy.

 

 

I have NEVER found a relationship as difficult to get over as this one, and mine has been done, really done, for a while now. Even though it is clear that the man is a prick, and I'm a fool...I still get teary at night sometimes. I'm embarking on the dating scene (WITH GREAT CAUTION from lessons learned) and I think this has almost made me more whistful for the love and comfort I thought I had with the exMM. Maybe it is too soon, but I just feel like I need to move on. I mean, I assume he has moved on with the W.

 

 

Hang in there. Wish I had answers. Wish there were "recovery meetings" for Ex OW's, lol.

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What you are feeling is common. I lost myself in being the OW. I don't "fault" myself for becoming one necessarily, as my exMM presented himself as in the throws of divorce initiated by his wife. It was long distance, and none of it was true. I fell (or so I thought) deeply in love with him again (recycled ex from long ago).

 

 

There is something about being in love with someone, talking about the future but never REALLY having them that creates an almost obsessive like state. It's like the carrot dangled just out of reach. But what we don't realize while we are in it is that it was never reachable, so we invest so much of our hearts in love and our heads in fantasy.

 

 

I have NEVER found a relationship as difficult to get over as this one, and mine has been done, really done, for a while now. Even though it is clear that the man is a prick, and I'm a fool...I still get teary at night sometimes. I'm embarking on the dating scene (WITH GREAT CAUTION from lessons learned) and I think this has almost made me more whistful for the love and comfort I thought I had with the exMM. Maybe it is too soon, but I just feel like I need to move on. I mean, I assume he has moved on with the W.

 

 

Hang in there. Wish I had answers. Wish there were "recovery meetings" for Ex OW's, lol.

 

I once read that OW create this illusion of awesomeMan with MM. Because you want so much to believe him its turns you back into the 8 year old girl who's father can do no wrong.

 

So much drama in the whole will he leave her, that you lose sight or ignore the fact that he isn't even worth it. Then when its over OW feels like she has missed out on this great love.

 

Its so hard to get over because you were neverf on equal footing, it was the OW always waiting, wanting and as you said obsessing. Making him into this almost godly grand prize. Sadly it also results in future failed relationships or chance for relationship as any man you start of equal footing with can compare or create that intense desire. Leaving the OW even more sure, more confident that MM was the one.

 

I feel bad for most OW, because they prove and show such a great ability to love and a desire to be loved. Then they get involved with these asshats that take advantage of that. Its just sad.

 

Sorry for going off topic abit.

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Decisiontomake
I once read that OW create this illusion of awesomeMan with MM. Because you want so much to believe him its turns you back into the 8 year old girl who's father can do no wrong.

 

So much drama in the whole will he leave her, that you lose sight or ignore the fact that he isn't even worth it. Then when its over OW feels like she has missed out on this great love.

 

Its so hard to get over because you were neverf on equal footing, it was the OW always waiting, wanting and as you said obsessing. Making him into this almost godly grand prize. Sadly it also results in future failed relationships or chance for relationship as any man you start of equal footing with can compare or create that intense desire. Leaving the OW even more sure, more confident that MM was the one.

 

I feel bad for most OW, because they prove and show such a great ability to love and a desire to be loved. Then they get involved with these asshats that take advantage of that. Its just sad.

 

Sorry for going off topic abit.

 

 

Gosh - this made me tear up - so insightful and so so true.

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gettingstronger

You are not pathetic or stupid but you have lost yourself- I agree with the others that you are caught up in the illusion of what MM is really all about-

 

You need to focus on what is missing in you that you are allowing someone so clearly not good for you take up so much head space-

 

I think as women, we tend to lose ourselves easily between married life, kids, work, etc... and we have a hard time finding our true selves-

 

I know I sound like a broken record, but for me, I found my center in yoga-the combination of doing something just for me that is also focused on "letting go of damaging thoughts and behaviors" was just what I needed to start on the path back to me-

 

Good luck-

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the_artist_1970
I once read that OW create this illusion of awesomeMan with MM. Because you want so much to believe him its turns you back into the 8 year old girl who's father can do no wrong.

 

So much drama in the whole will he leave her, that you lose sight or ignore the fact that he isn't even worth it. Then when its over OW feels like she has missed out on this great love.

 

Its so hard to get over because you were neverf on equal footing, it was the OW always waiting, wanting and as you said obsessing. Making him into this almost godly grand prize. Sadly it also results in future failed relationships or chance for relationship as any man you start of equal footing with can compare or create that intense desire. Leaving the OW even more sure, more confident that MM was the one.

 

I feel bad for most OW, because they prove and show such a great ability to love and a desire to be loved. Then they get involved with these asshats that take advantage of that. Its just sad.

 

Sorry for going off topic abit.

 

This is so true. But most ppl who get involved with MM usually have commitment issues or abandonment issues to begin with. How else can you explain a woman who will settle for the crumbs that these MM offer.

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After 4 months of NC (with a little slip up about a month ago or so) I'm starting to really digest the whole A-thing. And I'm beating myself up. I'm wondering how I could be so stupid and become the OW. I know that men rarely leave their W. What was I thinking? How could I just be satisfied with crumbs and spend so much time waiting for him to reply, to come over, to leave his W etc.? :(

 

Yes, I was in love, but I should have walked out with my head up high long before it ended. Instead he tried to end it many times, and it was mostly me breaking NC. And today..I STILL have a soft spot for him, and if he contacted me, I probably would reply. I feel pathetic and stupid.

 

Then make it impossible for him to contact you. Create a new email address, change your number.

 

Stop putting yourself down, that serves NO purpose except to make yourself feel worse. No more beating yourself up! Instead, call a friend, go make plans to do a spa day, get a new haircut, buy some beautiful new clothes and pamper yourself. be positive!

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I totally get it. I have slowly begun to find myself. I realized I had been isolating myself more and more. Since D-day and after the inital 3 weeks, I slowly have been making progress. I have been to the movies a bunch of times. I have gone to lunch with girlfirends that I haven't seen since the A began. I have done some projects around my house that I have been thinking about,but never had the energy to do. I also just quit my job! I have found a wonderful new job, one that I never knew even would exist. I wouldn't have even looked for the job if we didn't end things.

 

It does take time, and I know we get really hard on ourselves. Some of the stuff said on here also can make me feel like a big jerk. But, I know I am not. I really loved someone that took advantage of that love to get what he wanted.

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After 4 months of NC (with a little slip up about a month ago or so) I'm starting to really digest the whole A-thing. And I'm beating myself up. I'm wondering how I could be so stupid and become the OW. I know that men rarely leave their W. What was I thinking? How could I just be satisfied with crumbs and spend so much time waiting for him to reply, to come over, to leave his W etc.? :(

 

Yes, I was in love, but I should have walked out with my head up high long before it ended. Instead he tried to end it many times, and it was mostly me breaking NC. And today..I STILL have a soft spot for him, and if he contacted me, I probably would reply. I feel pathetic and stupid.

 

You gotta realize that you are NOT alone. Many OW/OM have gone through the same thing in many different variations. The end result is almost always the same: heartbreak.

 

One must forgive oneself in order to move on. You've got to pickup the pieces because no one else will do it for you. Your MM was selfish to the core. He was selfish to the highest order. However he did try to end it, which you should have listened to.

 

Like DKT3 was saying, most OW's have a huge capacity to love. I mean, you are accepting and loving of a man who sleeps with you who goes home to sleep with his wife and look her in the eye like everything's okay. If that's not unconditional love, what is?? That type of love should only be reserved for children, not in a relationship!

 

Your MM is not capable of loving you. Perhaps he was infatuated with you. Infatuation is putting your own selfish desires first. Love is putting other people above themselves. Your MM clearly didn't love his wife or he wouldn't have been doing what he was doing to her. And he wasn't capable of loving you if he couldn't give you what you wanted, which was simply a legitimate relationship.

 

All in all, you've got to love yourself and care for yourself to move on. One thing you can perhaps do it write out a long letter of everything you honestly want to say to MM for what he did to you and how he made you feel. Hold nothing back. Tell him everything about how his actions were unbelievably hurtful to you and others. Print it out. Seal it in an envelope, and then burn it. It sounds stupid, but that kind of emotional cartharsis can help you move on.

 

I think most OM/OW just would have been grateful with the truth of the situation. MMs aren't honest to their OWs, themselves, or their wives. You have to see it for what it is. And the intrinsic nature of their dishonesty would prevent them ever from giving you closure. It needs to come from within.

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Lovemesomehim

Its easy to say move on and stop staying stuck but reality is, you thought you found happiness and love with a married man. Regardless to your situation, if you knew he was married or not, getting through it may be a difficult one for you.

 

 

Learn how to forgive yourself, and the steps to take to prevent it from happening again.

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After 4 months of NC (with a little slip up about a month ago or so) I'm starting to really digest the whole A-thing. And I'm beating myself up. I'm wondering how I could be so stupid and become the OW. I know that men rarely leave their W. What was I thinking? How could I just be satisfied with crumbs and spend so much time waiting for him to reply, to come over, to leave his W etc.? :(

 

Yes, I was in love, but I should have walked out with my head up high long before it ended. Instead he tried to end it many times, and it was mostly me breaking NC. And today..I STILL have a soft spot for him, and if he contacted me, I probably would reply. I feel pathetic and stupid.

 

Stop that! I really don't think you would reply or re-engage the affair. I think you have realized what you and he had wasn't love. I don't believe you really knew him enough to love him..and I mean that in a nice way. You were enamored with him, you cared for him...but you really didn't know him, know him. You were in an affair - a secret relationship pretty much doomed from the start. You have a good heart..so forgive yourself for lowering your standards and values.

 

You can see now all the wasted time and emotions...I don't think you would really go back to that. I think with the holidays around the corner, you are feeling down...but you need to re-frame this to more positive thoughts...you will NOT be waiting around for a text or crumbs during the holidays. You can embrace them knowing you aren't an OW. You can relax and not be glued to your phone. You can do whatever you want with whoever you want. Cut yourself some slack, okay?

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I once read that OW create this illusion of awesomeMan with MM. Because you want so much to believe him its turns you back into the 8 year old girl who's father can do no wrong.

 

So much drama in the whole will he leave her, that you lose sight or ignore the fact that he isn't even worth it. Then when its over OW feels like she has missed out on this great love.

 

Its so hard to get over because you were neverf on equal footing, it was the OW always waiting, wanting and as you said obsessing. Making him into this almost godly grand prize. Sadly it also results in future failed relationships or chance for relationship as any man you start of equal footing with can compare or create that intense desire. Leaving the OW even more sure, more confident that MM was the one.

 

I feel bad for most OW, because they prove and show such a great ability to love and a desire to be loved. Then they get involved with these asshats that take advantage of that. Its just sad.

 

Sorry for going off topic abit.

 

Great post!

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Justanaverageguy
What you are feeling is common. I lost myself in being the OW. I don't "fault" myself for becoming one necessarily, as my exMM presented himself as in the throws of divorce initiated by his wife. It was long distance, and none of it was true. I fell (or so I thought) deeply in love with him again (recycled ex from long ago).

 

There is something about being in love with someone, talking about the future but never REALLY having them that creates an almost obsessive like state. It's like the carrot dangled just out of reach. But what we don't realize while we are in it is that it was never reachable, so we invest so much of our hearts in love and our heads in fantasy.

 

I have NEVER found a relationship as difficult to get over as this one, and mine has been done, really done, for a while now. Even though it is clear that the man is a prick, and I'm a fool...I still get teary at night sometimes. I'm embarking on the dating scene (WITH GREAT CAUTION from lessons learned) and I think this has almost made me more whistful for the love and comfort I thought I had with the exMM. Maybe it is too soon, but I just feel like I need to move on. I mean, I assume he has moved on with the W.

 

Hang in there. Wish I had answers. Wish there were "recovery meetings" for Ex OW's, lol.

 

The truth is that most people have very little idea where the "attraction" feeling between two people comes from and what causes it outside the very basics of physical appearance and money. A lot of the "attraction" we build for a partner is psychological and actually happens when people are not together with that person. That sounds odd but let me explain.

 

It comes down to one of the most powerful survival instincts humans have. People are genetically wired to always want what they can't have. We place intrinsic value in things that are difficult to obtain ... because if it is hard to obtain it must be "better". It applies to everything from rocks in the ground - like gold, diamonds - To luxury products like Louis Vuitton or expensive cars like Ferrari. And yes it even applies to relationship partners. It's why "playing hard to get" works on men.

 

When you can't have something you want it keeps you obsessing over it. Like the carrot dangling out of reach - you may not even like carrots - but because its right there in front of you unable to be obtained you can't help but think about it. This act of constantly thinking and obsessing about the object re-enforces the want and the desire for it. It increases the "attraction" we have for it. This is the brains mechanism for forcing humans to go after things that are "hard to get" or in other words have "value". It is how the brain forces you to go after the most desirable partner - survival of the fittest. Now there are many other factors that create "value" in a partner for different people but this one principle of "hard to get = attractive" is almost universal for all people and all races everywhere.

 

With a relationship partner you can never fully be with - you are constantly stuck thinking about them. Imagining what it would be like to have them, to do things with them, to sleep with them or even wondering why they don't feel the same way you do. You may play out little roll based fantasies in your head about your future life together. Even something a simple as them not replying to a text message can trigger this process. You to start obsessing over why they haven't responded. It stops you from thinking about other normal every day things .... and keeps you completely focused and obsessing about them. This constant thinking and obsessing about them reinforces the desire which builds what we call "attraction". (If you know and understand this you begin to learn and identify there are also healthy and unhealthy reasons to obsess and become attracted to people and FYI him already having a wife is not a healthy one.)

 

This is the reason why the woman who plays hard to get works. She keeps a guy interested but will never let him "have" her. As a result when they are not together he obsesses over, seeing her naked, sleeping with her and calling her his girlfriend. If she gives it up on the first date .... he has nothing left to think about. He already had it ... he already knows whats on offer so why fantasize about it? She may be hot - she may be a great girl but the human brains "want what I can't have" system has not been engaged so he doesn't view her as valuable and deep attraction is never built. That's why girls who have sex on the first date rarely end up as the guys girlfriend. It is the "not having" that creates the thoughts and obsession which creates "value" for the brain. This in turn then leads to feeling of attraction and then sometimes eventually attachment.

 

The problem is when people finally get the carrot - they often find out it was not so great after all. Obtaining the un-obtainable ruins the whole process and suddenly the fun and games stops. There is no longer the need to obsess over what it tastes like, what it would be like to hold it in your hands. You've done that already so you know. As a result you stop thinking about the carrot - stop obsessing over it and start thinking about other things. The attraction and desire then declines. You start to realize that the carrot isn't really that different to any other carrot you had eaten before it. You start looking for a better carrot that is even harder to get ;P

 

But if you never get that one carrot on the end of the stick .... like you never got this man. Then you are always left to wonder. The brain's "want what I can't have" system has not been satisfied and so as a result you still retain the desire and attraction it has built to make you go and get it.

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the_artist_1970
You gotta realize that you are NOT alone. Many OW/OM have gone through the same thing in many different variations. The end result is almost always the same: heartbreak.

 

One must forgive oneself in order to move on. You've got to pickup the pieces because no one else will do it for you. Your MM was selfish to the core. He was selfish to the highest order. However he did try to end it, which you should have listened to.

 

Like DKT3 was saying, most OW's have a huge capacity to love. I mean, you are accepting and loving of a man who sleeps with you who goes home to sleep with his wife and look her in the eye like everything's okay. If that's not unconditional love, what is?? That type of love should only be reserved for children, not in a relationship!

 

Your MM is not capable of loving you. Perhaps he was infatuated with you. Infatuation is putting your own selfish desires first. Love is putting other people above themselves. Your MM clearly didn't love his wife or he wouldn't have been doing what he was doing to her. And he wasn't capable of loving you if he couldn't give you what you wanted, which was simply a legitimate relationship.

 

All in all, you've got to love yourself and care for yourself to move on. One thing you can perhaps do it write out a long letter of everything you honestly want to say to MM for what he did to you and how he made you feel. Hold nothing back. Tell him everything about how his actions were unbelievably hurtful to you and others. Print it out. Seal it in an envelope, and then burn it. It sounds stupid, but that kind of emotional cartharsis can help you move on.

 

I think most OM/OW just would have been grateful with the truth of the situation. MMs aren't honest to their OWs, themselves, or their wives. You have to see it for what it is. And the intrinsic nature of their dishonesty would prevent them ever from giving you closure. It needs to come from within.

 

I don't think its unconditional love. It's lack of love for oneself. I think that is the biggest misconception in the OW's mind her love is soooo great for the MM. When you truly love someone you want to live out loud and not hide that love from everyone else.

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I don't think its unconditional love. It's lack of love for oneself. I think that is the biggest misconception in the OW's mind her love is soooo great for the MM. When you truly love someone you want to live out loud and not hide that love from everyone else.

 

Yes unconditional is the wrong word. I'm pretty sure a lot of the OM/OW feel pain because they're being a hidden away and a dirty secret. I think many would want to be out in the open. Unfortunately it's at the control of the MM/MW and they feel helpless. The only way to fix the situation is to painfully leave it. Otherwise it's waiting around for Dday with a high probability of being thrown under the bus. After all, why is it a secret? Because the MM knows that in light of the truth it wouldn't work. Thus darkness is required to keep the vicious cycle going.

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Thanks for the replies :love:

 

I guess the combination of my fear of rejection and abandonment, "daddy issues" and a lack of self esteem makes me a great candidate for the OW-role. I want a relationship, a marriage, kids..but at the same time I'm so scared of it. The thought of just living with someone scares me although I'm also longing for it :rolleyes:

 

Sometimes I think that the A was working well for me. I had a man, who I only saw a couple of times a week, and I only got the good things. But in a way I always knew it wasn't good enough. I wanted more. Maybe not with him, but in general. In the end I was feeling dirty and the magic and feeling of overwhelming love was gone.

 

As one of you wrote it's hard, because I never really got him. I never got the carrot and found out how he/it is on a daily basis. And actually I don't know if I really wanted HIM. I wanted him to want me, and I wanted the A to have consequences for him and his marriage.

 

I miss him. I miss the good things he and the A made me feel. And I still haven't allowed myself to grieve and let him go.

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AlwaysGrowing
Thanks for the replies :love:

 

I guess the combination of my fear of rejection and abandonment, "daddy issues" and a lack of self esteem makes me a great candidate for the OW-role. I want a relationship, a marriage, kids..but at the same time I'm so scared of it. The thought of just living with someone scares me although I'm also longing for it :rolleyes:

 

Sometimes I think that the A was working well for me. I had a man, who I only saw a couple of times a week, and I only got the good things. But in a way I always knew it wasn't good enough. I wanted more. Maybe not with him, but in general. In the end I was feeling dirty and the magic and feeling of overwhelming love was gone.

 

As one of you wrote it's hard, because I never really got him. I never got the carrot and found out how he/it is on a daily basis. And actually I don't know if I really wanted HIM. I wanted him to want me, and I wanted the A to have consequences for him and his marriage.

 

I miss him. I miss the good things he and the A made me feel. And I still haven't allowed myself to grieve and let him go.

 

 

Ahhhh....you are finally getting somewhere.

 

Keep focusing on you...and how you were feeling at the time. What did this relationship trigger in you...that you got involved and stayed involved.

 

What does INY really want?

 

Reach deep inside of yourself....find your protector....let her lead you out...let her redirect your missing "him" thoughts into "what can I do to bring peace/balance into my life".

 

We all have an inner kickass, take no prisoners, oh no you didn't, version of ourselves.

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Thanks for the replies :love:

 

I guess the combination of my fear of rejection and abandonment, "daddy issues" and a lack of self esteem makes me a great candidate for the OW-role. I want a relationship, a marriage, kids..but at the same time I'm so scared of it. The thought of just living with someone scares me although I'm also longing for it :rolleyes:

 

Sometimes I think that the A was working well for me. I had a man, who I only saw a couple of times a week, and I only got the good things. But in a way I always knew it wasn't good enough. I wanted more. Maybe not with him, but in general. In the end I was feeling dirty and the magic and feeling of overwhelming love was gone.

 

As one of you wrote it's hard, because I never really got him. I never got the carrot and found out how he/it is on a daily basis. And actually I don't know if I really wanted HIM. I wanted him to want me, and I wanted the A to have consequences for him and his marriage.

I miss him. I miss the good things he and the A made me feel. And I still haven't allowed myself to grieve and let him go.

 

It's tough isn't it. It's best to just move on as best as you can and pick up the pieces as best as you can. You're probably riddled with obsessive thoughts like "why would he cheat if he didn't want to leave" etc.

 

 

The more you think about it the more it will make you crazy. You have to grieve him like he's a person who's dead to you. Otherwise you won't move on. You deserve a person who's willing to sacrifice everything for you.

 

Imagine all the good things you felt in you A, you could feel with a single person. He's out there. Any longer you don't let him go, the longer you stop yourself from finding this person.

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Justanaverageguy

And actually I don't know if I really wanted HIM. I wanted him to want me, and I wanted the A to have consequences for him and his marriage.

 

I think this is the most telling piece of information of all. You don't even think you even wanted him ... you just wanted him to want you. These types of situations that's very common. Its the same with the woman playing hard to get. It is an attraction based "purely" on wanting what you can't have and nothing else. You just wanted the external validation of "getting him". Of him choosing you over his wife. You weren't even considering what would happen if you did get him. People get sucked into this vortex where all they can feel is that overwhelming "attraction" emotion. It is almost paralyzing for some people. They lose site of why they even feel it or what the end goal is. They stop looking objectively at the partner they are chasing and stop considering if they are even someone they want to date or be with.

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I think this is the most telling piece of information of all. You don't even think you even wanted him ... you just wanted him to want you. These types of situations that's very common. Its the same with the woman playing hard to get. It is an attraction based "purely" on wanting what you can't have and nothing else. You just wanted the external validation of "getting him". Of him choosing you over his wife. You weren't even considering what would happen if you did get him. People get sucked into this vortex where all they can feel is that overwhelming "attraction" emotion. It is almost paralyzing for some people. They lose site of why they even feel it or what the end goal is. They stop looking objectively at the partner they are chasing and stop considering if they are even someone they want to date or be with.

 

You're right. In the beginning I really wanted him. I was in love and couldn't get enough of him. In my eyes he was the most amazing man I've ever met. I hoped and wished he would be mine.

 

But after a while where nothing happened (he never spoke badly about his marriage nor said he would divorce), I gave up hope. I also thought that maybe he's not so amazing afterall, and I would never be able to trust him.

 

In the end and a long time after that where I broke NC, I saw it as a competition. I wanted him to leave his W just because. I still feel like it was a competition, which his W won. I have written about it before, but I still envy her. She doesn't know about the A by the way.

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You're right. In the beginning I really wanted him. I was in love and couldn't get enough of him. In my eyes he was the most amazing man I've ever met. I hoped and wished he would be mine.

 

But after a while where nothing happened (he never spoke badly about his marriage nor said he would divorce), I gave up hope. I also thought that maybe he's not so amazing afterall, and I would never be able to trust him.

 

In the end and a long time after that where I broke NC, I saw it as a competition. I wanted him to leave his W just because. I still feel like it was a competition, which his W won. I have written about it before, but I still envy her. She doesn't know about the A by the way.

 

Gently, how was it a competition if the person you are up against didn't even know you existed? Nor that they were competing for their husband? Wouldn't that have given you the upper hand if there were really something to be won here? It ended the way it did because he didn't go into thinking he would find someone that would make him leave his wife. He never intended to leave. If she doesn't know he is a lying cheat, she didn't win anything. I would say you are. You aren't in a relationship with a known liar and cheater. Take care you.

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gettingstronger

I wanted him to want me, and I wanted the A to have consequences for him and his marriage.

 

 

This isn't a very nice thing to say- there are two people in that marriage and the consequences would be shared by both- think about that, and if that is the type of person you really want to be-I bet the answer is no- that should help you stay away from unavailable men-

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Decisiontomake

As one of you wrote it's hard, because I never really got him. I never got the carrot and found out how he/it is on a daily basis. And actually I don't know if I really wanted HIM. I wanted him to want me, and I wanted the A to have consequences for him and his marriage.

 

I miss him. I miss the good things he and the A made me feel. And I still haven't allowed myself to grieve and let him go.

 

 

I wanted him to want me, and I wanted the A to have consequences for him and his marriage.

 

 

OMG - this TOTALLY 100%. I understand it. I feel it. Guess it goes to show what a generic cycle it is that we get ourselves caught in. It all sucks!

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Gently, how was it a competition if the person you are up against didn't even know you existed? Nor that they were competing for their husband? Wouldn't that have given you the upper hand if there were really something to be won here? It ended the way it did because he didn't go into thinking he would find someone that would make him leave his wife. He never intended to leave. If she doesn't know he is a lying cheat, she didn't win anything. I would say you are. You aren't in a relationship with a known liar and cheater. Take care you.

 

I know it doesn't make so much sense, but for me it was a competition, which I lost. Not that xMM or his W won anything, but they didn't lose anything either. They maybe would have if the A came out, but it didn't, and I'm actually glad it didn't. It would have made a lot of drama, and I don't want that.

 

I know it's not a nice thing to say, and I know it comes from bitterness and revenge thoughts. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to be angry with him. I just want to move on and not feel anything...just think of him as a amazing but also terrible experience. The hurt is almost gone, but he's still in my thoughts and I compare other men to him, so I haven't moved on yet.

Edited by I'mNotYours
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