We are BOTH the other man/other woman!

[thaikickboxgirl]

I'm so thankful to have found this board because I've just been going crazy trying to figure things out. I don't talk much about this to anyone but I'll give you the quick rundown and hopefully I can get some good advice.

 

I've been married 15 years and have cheated a few times. My husband knows about all of them. I am very unhappy in my marriage and have sought out counseling since the first year we were married. I feel neglected and unloved and my husband would rather smoke cigarettes and have an ashtray mouth rather than kiss me. So, we never kiss. All sex is without kissing and for his benefit. So basically I'm very unhappy.

 

I met Tom on a dating site where I really was just looking for a friend and someone to flirt with. He was on for the same reason. He has been married 25 years. He is 10 years older than me. I was not initially attracted to him although he was to me from the start. After two months of talking on the phone and texting and us leaning on each other for support, I fell for him. He flew out to my home state where I was visiting my family for a couple of weeks. That was the first time that we kissed or had sex.

 

Ever since that trip we have been "together". We text during the day because we both work from home. Then we carefully text at night so our spouses don't see. We get together a couple of times a week for lunch and to hug/cuddle/kiss. My husband found out about Tom and so I moved to my home state for a month with the kids. We came back a couple of weeks ago and hubby thinks that we don't talk anymore. Now we have been dating for about 5 months. He was telling me he loved me up until about a month ago when he said things started to change because he didn't think he could give me the love I deserved.

 

Tom dated a woman before me who he said started to almost stalk him. I knew this when it was going on because its when we were friends. Well she wanted more and he didn't. Last week she hacked his email and got pictures of her and some of their emails and emailed them to his wife. His wife found out and Tom left the house. I talked him through this and while he hasn't found his permanent residence, he is happy to finally be free of his wife. She wants him back but he doesn't want to go back under any circumstances because he was never really happy. He is going to a divorce lawyer tomorrow.

 

So I know that I'm now what they call a "transition" girlfriend. He says that he won't pressure me to leave my husband although he personally thinks that I should. After going to his therapist last week he was really confused because the therapist yelled at him for still talking to me and he knows he shouldn't be in a serious relationship after such a long unhappy marriage. I got really upset because I really do care for him and honestly I'm kind of hooked on him. After the last time he was confused I told him that I need to let him go he needs to experience life and have his free time and live his life. I told him that I don't want to wait around for him to just end up dumping me anyways.

 

Every time I say this he pulls me back in saying things like why can't things be as they have been and if anything changes I will tell you. I don't want my wife, I don't want to look for anyone else I like being with you as things are. Well we go through this back and forth where I bring it up every week. I'm afraid to get hurt. I want to leave my husband, in fact I need to. But financially I don't know how to. Yes Tom is a crutch and he's my "transition" guy. Today he said there's no way he's going back to his wife and he doesn't care what she, his therapist or friends think about me. They don't understand us or what we have. We only understand each other.

 

I have to admit that I can't get him out of my head. If I start to ignore him he comes running. But I also know that I'm his crutch and he already was seeming confused before his wife kicked him out. I'm going on a camping trip next week for 6 nights and I thought that is a good time to get away from him and try to disconnect a little. But as always I'm sure I'll text him every morning like I do now. I also need to figure out my divorce.

 

I really like this guy. I love him as a friend. I don't know if I love him as a boyfriend. I mean I feel like I'm in love with him. I just don't know. I'm so hooked on him and he's all I think about. I'm not happy he's divorcing because it ruined our little arrangement of living double lives. Now things are getting real and I feel like I need to brace myself for heartbreak or take things further with him. I've never gone more than 24 hours without talking to him since I met him.

 

Anyone who can make sense out of all this? I just need someone to talk to.

 

Thanks for reading...

[DKT3]

I'm confused, one second you're saying you want out of your marriage then the next you're upset because the other guy messed up your double life.

 

My take on this, your getting played. The other guy got caught having another affair, lied to your and came up with that story that my 10 year old daughter wouldn't believe. Then when he is faced with make the affair into a relationship he pulls back.

 

And your husband is ok with all this? Or doesn't he "REALLY" not know the whole story of muliple affairs and how deep you are. Lastly you can leave the marriage, you don't want to leave.

[Lurkeraspect]

So, just to be clear. Your husband of 15 years, that you've cheated on multiple times, knows of your past transgressions, is only unworthy of your fidelity because he's a smoker? Did I get that right? Wow.

 

Personally, I would have figured out the smoking deal breaker on date one, not year 16 of marriage, but maybe that's just me.

 

Please, just divorce your ashtray, chain smoking, faithful husband. He deserves a smoking hot, non or smoking woman who values his worth and commitment.

 

Please...run to Tom. He's your soulmate.

[thaikickboxgirl]

DKT2- yes, my husband knows about my other two affairs. I have been in 5 years of marital therapy minus my husband to deal with it. He knows about Tom but he doesn't know its still going on. The ex-girlfriend hacking his account isn't a "story". She CC'd me the same email that she sent the wife. Tom brought it to the police and got a restraining order because she was "stalking him". And I guess I did kind of feel bad that our double life agreement ended. My entire issue here isn't about the HORRIBLE things that I've done, because I know I'm bad. I'm a selfish, crazy, bitch. What I'm trying to get help with is how to leave the guy without feeling like I'm going crazy. Because every time I try to leave him he reels me back in.

 

Lurker- there are many reasons why my husband and I have had problems in the marriage but I didn't feel the need to post about them here. But since it seems to be such a cut and dry issue to you here we go:

 

First he didn't smoke or drink when I met him, dated him or married him. He resumed drinking and smoking during our 3rd year of marriage and quickly became a functioning alcoholic who stayed out until 4, 5 am with his buddies two nights a week. The first affair happened two years later after I was sick of his not coming home to spend time with the kids. Being that I didn't believe in divorce at the time I forgave that behavior and have lived with it for the sake of the kids for 15 years. His life revolves around working at and skiing at a ski resort every day/night so we really don't have a marriage. The one thing that I asked was that perhaps he quit smoking so he'd actually kiss me. He doesn't want to kiss me? Screw it, stay out all night, ignore your family and I'll kiss someone else. And yes, I am divorcing him, however my 12 year old daughter is dealing with some pretty big issues so me divorcing her father tomorrow may not happen. However I am trying to figure it out.

[Lurkeraspect]

DKT2- yes, my husband knows about my other two affairs. I have been in 5 years of marital therapy minus my husband to deal with it. He knows about Tom but he doesn't know its still going on. The ex-girlfriend hacking his account isn't a "story". She CC'd me the same email that she sent the wife. Tom brought it to the police and got a restraining order because she was "stalking him". And I guess I did kind of feel bad that our double life agreement ended. My entire issue here isn't about the HORRIBLE things that I've done, because I know I'm bad. I'm a selfish, crazy, bitch. What I'm trying to get help with is how to leave the guy without feeling like I'm going crazy. Because every time I try to leave him he reels me back in.

 

Lurker- there are many reasons why my husband and I have had problems in the marriage but I didn't feel the need to post about them here. But since it seems to be such a cut and dry issue to you here we go:

 

First he didn't smoke or drink when I met him, dated him or married him. He resumed drinking and smoking during our 3rd year of marriage and quickly became a functioning alcoholic who stayed out until 4, 5 am with his buddies two nights a week. The first affair happened two years later after I was sick of his not coming home to spend time with the kids. Being that I didn't believe in divorce at the time I forgave that behavior and have lived with it for the sake of the kids for 15 years. His life revolves around working at and skiing at a ski resort every day/night so we really don't have a marriage. The one thing that I asked was that perhaps he quit smoking so he'd actually kiss me. He doesn't want to kiss me? Screw it, stay out all night, ignore your family and I'll kiss someone else. And yes, I am divorcing him, however my 12 year old daughter is dealing with some pretty big issues so me divorcing her father tomorrow may not happen. However I am trying to figure it out.

 

Sorry my answer was insufficient. People can only give input based on your info shared. Yep, your life just sucks. Just divorce already. You're not happy, cheated multiple times, etc. isn't it just time to cut bait? Good lord.

 

Can't imagine your 12 year olds life has ever been drama free, as her whole life has been stunted by your sick marriage. Poor thing. Just end it and try and give her some sort of stability.

Edited November 18, 2014 by Lurkeraspect

[Lurkeraspect]

And really, I'm not sure how any human can be a "functioning alcoholic" when they drink until 5Am. Nope, just straight up drunk. Please save whatever childhood your kids have. Ditch the cheating (bandaid) and fight for your kids. Time is ticking to save any normalcy of childhood for them. Mother up.

[thaikickboxgirl]

Uhm yep it kind of sucks, and unfortunately I chose to deal with it in a selfish way, but we all do what we have to in order to survive. Luckily our kids aren't witnessing any of it right now because my husband and I don't fight about any of it in front of them.

 

In the meantime if anyone has advice on how to deal with the "other man" situation I'd love to hear it.

[DKT3]

Something tells me your husband wants out of the marriage also. From what you say he is avoiding you and the marriage. The fact that he knows about the affairs and still doesn't do anything (try harder, or leave) suggests that your not the only one with someone else. Everything you say just screams he has another woman.

 

This kind of relationship does nothing for your child, there doesn't seem to be any love or respect here.

[DKT3]

Uhm yep it kind of sucks, and unfortunately I chose to deal with it in a selfish way, but we all do what we have to in order to survive. Luckily our kids aren't witnessing any of it right now because my husband and I don't fight about any of it in front of them.

 

In the meantime if anyone has advice on how to deal with the "other man" situation I'd love to hear it.

 

If you want it over then it will be, if you don't it won't. It is really that simple. Example, you talked about the camping trip where your already saying you will contact him. Is that trying to distance yourself?

[Lurkeraspect]

And please don't think your kids have missed all this. They are VERY aware of your dynamic. Denial won't fix this. And I'm not talking about your jacked marriage, more their childhoods or whatever is left.

Edited November 18, 2014 by Lurkeraspect

[thaikickboxgirl]

DKT3

 

I agree with you about the lack of love and that something's weird. In the last year hubby has been keeping regular hours and just sometimes out on the weekends, but not until 5a. So I will say that he has made some positive changes, but still there is no love between him and I. Honestly I don't think there is another woman he just loves to drink and smoke that much that he'd rather not be intimate with me. I would be very surprised if he was seeing someone but you never know. Its not a good example of a marriage for the kids. We're just complacent now. Now if I can just get rid of tom.

[thaikickboxgirl]

If you want it over then it will be, if you don't it won't. It is really that simple. Example, you talked about the camping trip where your already saying you will contact him. Is that trying to distance yourself?

 

Wasn't the reason for the camping trip... if I contact him there will be no distance. This will be a good chance to distance myself. I need to go no contact on this camping trip.

[Lurkeraspect]

DKT3

 

I agree with you about the lack of love and that something's weird. In the last year hubby has been keeping regular hours and just sometimes out on the weekends, but not until 5a. So I will say that he has made some positive changes, but still there is no love between him and I. Honestly I don't think there is another woman he just loves to drink and smoke that much that he'd rather not be intimate with me. I would be very surprised if he was seeing someone but you never know. Its not a good example of a marriage for the kids. We're just complacent now. Now if I can just get rid of tom.

 

Why get rid of Tom? I'd get rid of your drunk, chain smoking husband. Isn't He the problem?

[thaikickboxgirl]

And please don't think your kids have missed all this. They are VERY aware of your dynamic. Denial won't fix this. And I'm not talking about your jacked marriage, more their childhoods or whatever is left.

 

I know. I'm ashamed and need to think about the kids first. They want us to stay married (well they think they want us to stay together) and so we were trying to just coexist for their sake, but that just causes me to get lonely and that's why I searched for Tom.

[thaikickboxgirl]

Why get rid of Tom? I'd get rid of your drunk, chain smoking husband. Isn't He the problem?

 

Ugh...well that's where things have gotten complicated. I'm not trying to change the story...but hubby dramatically cut back on drinking in the last year. He has a few beers "with the boys" on the weekends but that's it now. Still I'm not attracted to him and he won't kiss me. And I still can't get rid of Tom.

[DKT3]

DKT3

 

I agree with you about the lack of love and that something's weird. In the last year hubby has been keeping regular hours and just sometimes out on the weekends, but not until 5a. So I will say that he has made some positive changes, but still there is no love between him and I. Honestly I don't think there is another woman he just loves to drink and smoke that much that he'd rather not be intimate with me. I would be very surprised if he was seeing someone but you never know. Its not a good example of a marriage for the kids. We're just complacent now. Now if I can just get rid of tom.

 

This is the logic of a lot of wayward spouses, thinking they are always the more attractive desirable of the two. Your husbands behaviour is that of an unfaithful husband. I've been to a lot of bars/clubs all over the world and very few or open til 5am. Like that old saying "only two things open after 3am, jail and legs has he been calling for bail?"

 

You get rid of Tom by getting rid of Tom. Will and desire. I think it would be wise to get out of both relationships, your kids will benefit a great deal.

 

I do have a question when did you have your first affair? You said two and Tom here, but on the other side you said 5. That's a lot of cheating for some claiming to have put effort into a marriage..

[Lurkeraspect]

My advice is to put your kids first. Knock the affair off, either commit to your husband or seek a divorce. Of course it's hard, and uncomfortable. But...you're the only mom your kids have, you are their example on what's acceptable for marital bliss. How's your example been so far? You can fix this. And really, you've not been happy or fulfilled for (sounds like) decades. Press on, move on. Give your kids an example of mature, adult behavior.

 

That's all I've got. Good luck.

[anika99]

[quote=thaikickboxgirl

 

First he didn't smoke or drink when I met him, dated him or married him. He resumed drinking and smoking during our 3rd year of marriage and quickly became a functioning alcoholic who stayed out until 4, 5 am with his buddies two nights a week. The first affair happened two years later after I was sick of his not coming home to spend time with the kids. Being that I didn't believe in divorce at the time I forgave that behavior and have lived with it for the sake of the kids for 15 years. His life revolves around working at and skiing at a ski resort every day/night so we really don't have a marriage. The one thing that I asked was that perhaps he quit smoking so he'd actually kiss me. He doesn't want to kiss me? Screw it, stay out all night, ignore your family and I'll kiss someone else. And yes, I am divorcing him, however my 12 year old daughter is dealing with some pretty big issues so me divorcing her father tomorrow may not happen. However I am trying to figure it out.

 

I simply cannot get my head around the above paragraph. Your husband was basically a drunken absent father and you decided to fix that by cheating on him. Well how exactly did that help your kids deal with having a drunken absent father who never spent time with them? Then you say you decided to live with his being a lousy drunken absent father for the sake of the kids. How exactly does subjecting your kids to this lousy alcoholic absent father for years help them? How could that possibly be for their sake? Lastly the only thing you asked for was that he quit smoking so you could kiss him. How could that possibly be the only thing you asked for? Considering what a crappy father he is I would have thought you would be begging him to please please just get sober and be a dad.

 

 

You are using your kids for a scapegoat for your cheating. Your husband became an alcoholic 12 years ago. You have had 12 years to help your kids. 12 years to plan how you would remove yourself and your kids from this dysfunctional alcoholic home. 12 years to work on providing a better life and a better example to your children. 12 years to seek counselling and healing for your children so that they won't carry the deep wounds of being abandoned by their alcoholic father. So much you could have done to rescue your kids but instead you decided to play tit for tat with your husband by cheating

[goodyblue]

I stopped reading after the third post because, just wow. I think you are trolling. This simply cannot be happening. Jesus.

[eye of the storm]

I love when people wring their hand and say they "can't" get rid of someone they no longer want to be with. Yes you can, you choose not to.

 

My ExH swore he couldn't quit smoking. Years and years of "I can't". Till one day he got tired of it and quit. from 3 packs a day to zip.

 

If you truly want Tom to go away, Either tell him "go away" and stop contacting him and block him on every access point. Or just ghost and go NC.

 

And he isn't pulling you back in against your will, you are choosing to go back to him.

[elaine567]

Tom is now a drowning man clutching for any hand that is close, you and your kids are in the lifeboat with a drunk, but you do not want to give Tom a hand, because that may mean the lifeboat rocks, the drunk falls over and pitches you all into the sea.

 

Basically you and your kids need to jump into that sea, land is not that far away, swim away from both men and save yourself and your kids.

[Sub]

II am very unhappy in my marriage and have sought out counseling since the first year we were married.

 

If your H didn't pick up the smoking and drinking until year three, why were you in counseling the first year?

 

I think people can give you all the advice you want about the OM, but the real issues seem to lie within you and your M. The OM situation seems minor to me in comparison.

[elaine567]

The OM situation seems minor to me in comparison.

 

Tom is however now a loose cannon, because he has nothing left to lose so can scupper the OPs marriage, by revealing all.

The BS, a recovering alcoholic may have excused the other affairs due to his alcoholism and previous cheating, but to be betrayed when things are improving and he is trying, may be harder to stomach.

[amaysngrace]

So you bring your kids to another state to be with Tom yet they don't know what's going on?

 

Please.

 

How do you think you're being a good mother when you keep cheating on their dad? You're taking the time you should be spending with your kids and using it to sneak texts to your BF.

 

And you've been in counseling for five years and still have your same crap marriage? Here's a news flash...it's because YOU haven't changed.

 

Quit blaming everybody else. Excuses are for losers.

[Sub]

The BS, a recovering alcoholic may have excused the other affairs due to his alcoholism and previous cheating,

It may also be a chicken and egg situation, wherein he used alcohol to deal with his W's A's. Not at all an excuse, as he should have gotten his a** in counseling/therapy with the OP instead. Just a thought, though.