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Question to the members here. How long after the affair did you start feeling better? Also, what made you finally get over it? Was there an absolute trigger, or steps you took?

Edited by Justcuzitis
grammar on title was horrid....
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It takes time, no matter what you do but it helped me tremendously staying busy with my social life. Friends and good family to keep you occupied is key. But, you can't run away from the pain. No matter what you try or how far you go, it always catches up eventually. Let yourself feel what you feel. Cry when you need to cry but don't make a habit of it. No, no, no. Only allow yourself so much time in the day to think and have sad feelings about it.

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For me almost three years and even now, after three years, every now and then I will get angry. The tipping point for me was when she and I reconnected briefly and she told me she missed me and nothing got better in her marriage and thought I was done with her. I thought to myself, you're the one who said get away from me and you are complaining about your marriage yet you do nothing and a few other things that just set me off and I just closed the door. Over and done with

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Tipping point. I had a car accident and was in hospital with nobody. He couldn't get away to help me. It was the moment when I realised my life would continue to be one big disappointment if I continued. Not what I wanted for my future.

 

Went to counselling, started going out a lot, dating a bit, travelled. Complete NC in any way at all. Swept everything out of my life. It has all helped but it has only been 6 months after almost 6 years of the A.

 

I don't know how long it takes. Today is a bad day.. they still occur regularly. It's a case of getting through the day without looking at FB or contacting him. I have managed to achieve that 100% and will continue.

 

Keep at it,

Poppy.

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Question to the members here. How long after the affair did you start feeling better? Also, what made you finally get over it? Was there an absolute trigger, or steps you took?

 

It's highly unstable and a whirlwind of cluster of emotions. Somedays will be better than others. One thing's for sure, and that's I will never be the same. I've lost that naive view on the world that everyone's intentions are clear. I'm constantly second guessing everyone in all my interpersonal relationships it's unhealthy. I find it hard to trust peoples words now, and I only have myself to blame for this.

 

I look forward to the day that I feel better from all of this. I hope it's in the order of magnitude of months, rather than years. It's no fun to live when your feelings are like a yo-yo. I'm coping, and each day slowly seems to be better. Everyone heals at different rates. Think of NC like a bandaid. Everytime you open it, the wound takes more time to heal. Fake it till you make it. My only advice to you is on the times you feel really heavy from your situation, force yourself to smile and hold it. It has a surprisingly strong effect. Stay focused on bettering yourself and loving yourself.

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I am just starting on this journey, or at least trying to. After 2.5 years my A seems to be ending in the most painful of ways - he unintentionally got his wife pregnant. We had just really started making concrete plans for a future together, and now this. I am trying not to feel sorry for myself because I feel I don't deserve pity, and because I put myself in this position.

 

We went three days NC after I wrote him a heartfelt letter telling him I would stay with him and help him raise his children. I wanted to give him time to think about what I was offering to do with him. My only terms were that he needed to end his marriage; he didn't need to string his wife along her whole pregnancy if he wanted to leave her. He came to me after those three days and said he couldn't live without me and that we would somehow find a way to make it work. Then three more days NC. I figured he was still thinking and wanted to give him space. He came over after those days and told me he was in a terrible confusing place and he just couldn't walk away right now. He didn't ask me to wait for him. He didn't make promises. He was honest.

 

So I decided no more texts, no more calls, for the sake of my sanity. He has not tried to contact me, hasn't come over, nothing. I feel completely heartbroken. I am trying to be strong and not think about him, but it feels like my life is over. We had spent so much time talking about our future it was starting to feel so real.

 

Glad to read posts from those of you that are getting through this. It's good to know I'm not alone. This too shall pass and better things will come our way. But the days are so long and the nights are so sad.

 

One day at a time I guess. All I can do is move on from here and if he catches up with me someday, so be it. Sigh.

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Decisiontomake
I am just starting on this journey, or at least trying to. After 2.5 years my A seems to be ending in the most painful of ways - he unintentionally got his wife pregnant. We had just really started making concrete plans for a future together, and now this. I am trying not to feel sorry for myself because I feel I don't deserve pity, and because I put myself in this position.

 

We went three days NC after I wrote him a heartfelt letter telling him I would stay with him and help him raise his children. I wanted to give him time to think about what I was offering to do with him. My only terms were that he needed to end his marriage; he didn't need to string his wife along her whole pregnancy if he wanted to leave her. He came to me after those three days and said he couldn't live without me and that we would somehow find a way to make it work. Then three more days NC. I figured he was still thinking and wanted to give him space. He came over after those days and told me he was in a terrible confusing place and he just couldn't walk away right now. He didn't ask me to wait for him. He didn't make promises. He was honest.

 

So I decided no more texts, no more calls, for the sake of my sanity. He has not tried to contact me, hasn't come over, nothing. I feel completely heartbroken. I am trying to be strong and not think about him, but it feels like my life is over. We had spent so much time talking about our future it was starting to feel so real.

 

Glad to read posts from those of you that are getting through this. It's good to know I'm not alone. This too shall pass and better things will come our way. But the days are so long and the nights are so sad.

 

One day at a time I guess. All I can do is move on from here and if he catches up with me someday, so be it. Sigh.

 

Omg - this is just so awful and I am so sorry for the pain I can imagine you are in right now. It is so rare for anything good to come of being the OW - I have no idea why we do it to ourselves when I am sure we are all good, strong people at our core. We deserve to have these emotions with someone who can be ours 100%, all the time, with everything they have to match everything we give. I'm sorry :-(

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Decisiontomake,

You are so right. Why do we do this to ourselves? I am not a serial cheater. I have never cheated, and I firmly believe that with the right person (who I thought was this man) that I will be happy and blissfully faithful my entire life.

 

I think part of what's so hard is accepting that we were no exception to the rule. I genuinely believed my A would turn into a real relationship. He and I talked all the time about our future kids, or what we wanted to do together when we grew old. But nothing came of it. The fairy tale did not play out, and here I am just another OW who has been left in the dust when I was so sure it would work out for us. It's a hard pill to swallow. I used to fall asleep at night dreaming of the family I would build with him and now he is building it with someone else. The fact that he is unhappy about it and doesn't want the child makes it worse; it doesn't make me feel better at all.

 

I also spent so much time clearing my schedule to ensure I was always available for him. I would sit at home in the afternoons and evenings just waiting for a text or a call. I would cancel plans if I thought there was a possibility of seeing him even for a few minutes, even just for a hug.

 

Now is the time, I suppose, to start working on all those friendships I have been putting on hold while I made myself available to him. I need to find a healthy hobby. I already adopted a rescue dog and I tell her every day that she has saved my life more than I saved hers.

 

I would also like to hear from anyone in this situation - what are you doing to clear your mind? Especially if now you're mostly alone because he is gone?

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This sounds exactly like my situation. I had a relationship with a man who I truly thought I had a future with but then I found out that I was the other woman in his relationship. When I ended my relationship with him, he came back a year later. At this point I really thought that he would leave his wife for me, after all why would he contact me after all this time. It is the same story. I see all these happy pictures of him and his wife on facebook and it basically kills me to see this. I do wish I had the things she had. He wines and dines her, and just like you I'm waiting for the very crumb that he feeds me. I'm so hurt by this entire situation. She doesn't know and I am thinking about telling her. He was seeing me quite often, and I realized that was when she was out of town. Now I haven't heard from him in several weeks. I sit around waiting for a call or text from him so I am available. I wonder if he will even ever contact me again. This is heart wrenching. It is very hard to get over something like that. I realize how selfish this man is because he doesn't care about how we feel, or how his wife would feel. I am really struggling to get over this situation. It doesn't help either that I do not seem to have any other prospects.

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Liana,

Yes, this situation we are in is absolutely heartbreaking. I will say that I have blocked my AP and his wife on facebook so I do not have to see pictures or "congrats on your new baby!" posts. I have stopped most social media in order to not have contact with it; it's just too painful.

 

It also helps to try to book your calendar full. I have contacted old friends, made lunch dates with my mom, planned DIY projects (hobby lobby loves me!). I even pick up shifts at work to stay out of a lonely house.

 

It's hardest at night when I eat dinner alone and go to bed thinking about all our vacations, our weekends we spent together, the plans and dreams we shared together.

 

Just think how if these men can love us halfway, how amazing it will be when we find someone to love us 100%!! It's hard because they seem like the only one, the best fit, and the last option. I keep a journal and made a LONG list of the great things about a "real" relationship, and I read it when I get sad. Things like not having to wait while he runs outside to return his wife's texts/calls, not guessing when I'll see him next, being able to go out and hold hands and have a date in public without worrying someone will see us.

 

There has to be hope. I am looking for it but it's hard to find. I don't know how to be strong enough to move on but I sure am trying. We deserve better so why settle for this? Easier said than done, I know. I haven't figured it out yet.

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I am still getting over it. Thought I was doing so well and it seems like it doesn't take much to make the heart wistful at times. I was ready to walk away when NC began and it took a while for me to get there but I was steadfast in knowing I had reached the no return zone.

 

I do think if you really love your partner, as a poster already said, years can pass and you still miss that person and hurt for what was. I know I have struggled with my hurts a lot lately. Ceasing this A is harder than any other relationship I have ever had. Stay strong and know it may hurt for a long while but it is the right path. This site has helped me through many weak moments when I wanted to reach out. Lots of stories, experience and good advice.

I'm struggling but what is helping me is reading the list I made of what I didn't like about the relationship, the list of what I wanted to be different between us, and finally, reminding myself of my place in this. I am surprised I ever got into an A as I don't do third place well. (1st- his W; 2- his kids or vice versa) I want better for myself.

 

Good luck in your journey!

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I agree with Justme.

 

The end of the A is proving to be more difficult to get over than the death of my husband was years ago.

 

At least I knew my husband was at peace and not living somewhere with somebody else

 

I struggle a lot with the desire to see him again but I am very strong in my resolve. There are waves of real sorrow from time to time and thoughts of the close moments we shared intrude when least expected.

 

After a 6 year A I think it will be impossible to forget him entirely. I am trusting that time and determination will help . At least I sleep well at night now.

 

Poppy.

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GirlStillStrong

I keep reminding myself that being an OW is just not me. It never has been, and never will be, this much has always remained clear. It helps to recall that I told him this since the start, when I realized he was not separated or separating from his wife, when I was led to believe he had previously done so, wanted to, and would again separate.

 

I've also found that it's best to come to compassionate understanding about why the person did what they did that caused me to hurt in the first place. Doing so helps me to realize and accept that what they did was not done directly TO me, but that it was simply how they chose to live their own life. It's nothing to do with me, what I "deserve" or don't deserve, whether or not I'm "worth" it or "truly loved." Their actions or inaction are not a reflection on me at all. This helps me maintain emotional distance and keeps me from feeling sorry for myself or feeling like a victim (which is NOT helpful, it is harmful, because it weakens you by weakening your own self image and therefore your self esteem).

 

It also helps me to understand that a big part of having an affair (on the part of the married person) is that the affair relationship actually HELPS them to remain in the marriage to begin with. Extricating oneself from a marriage is difficult and normally pretty ugly. It's hard to force yourself to put yourself and your family through that when you are getting what is missing in your marriage from an affair partner. I don't want to contribute to that sort of thing; I reject anyone's assignment that I serve as their crutch or distraction or side relationship. If I TRULY love this person I will not contribute to his weakening of himself.

 

I also do not allow myself to awfulize about how I feel. I can acknowledge my hurt heart but I stubbornly refuse to allow it to rule my life (this is very difficult for me but I've had a lot of practice). I also don't dwell on past proclamations of undying love and affection or inability to live without me. Those are just words and I no longer allow such drama and sap to affect me. I guess I'm cynical. I don't believe in soul mates and I don't believe in the perfect partner or The One. I believe that the universe or God or higher power sends us those people that we need to be sent so that we can learn what we need to about ourselves that will make us grow. I search for the lesson and I assure you, it's not something any of our mothers could have taught me. I can say, after many break-ups, that usually the lesson has something to do with wants and expectations.

 

It's also tremendously helpful to stay in the present moment. Dwelling on the past and dreaming about the future (or what it might have been) just hurts. And hurt is something I'm trying to avoid.

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I keep reminding myself that being an OW is just not me. It never has been, and never will be, this much has always remained clear. It helps to recall that I told him this since the start, when I realized he was not separated or separating from his wife, when I was led to believe he had previously done so, wanted to, and would again separate.

 

I've also found that it's best to come to compassionate understanding about why the person did what they did that caused me to hurt in the first place. Doing so helps me to realize and accept that what they did was not done directly TO me, but that it was simply how they chose to live their own life. It's nothing to do with me, what I "deserve" or don't deserve, whether or not I'm "worth" it or "truly loved." Their actions or inaction are not a reflection on me at all. This helps me maintain emotional distance and keeps me from feeling sorry for myself or feeling like a victim (which is NOT helpful, it is harmful, because it weakens you by weakening your own self image and therefore your self esteem).

 

It also helps me to understand that a big part of having an affair (on the part of the married person) is that the affair relationship actually HELPS them to remain in the marriage to begin with. Extricating oneself from a marriage is difficult and normally pretty ugly. It's hard to force yourself to put yourself and your family through that when you are getting what is missing in your marriage from an affair partner. I don't want to contribute to that sort of thing; I reject anyone's assignment that I serve as their crutch or distraction or side relationship. If I TRULY love this person I will not contribute to his weakening of himself.

 

I also do not allow myself to awfulize about how I feel. I can acknowledge my hurt heart but I stubbornly refuse to allow it to rule my life (this is very difficult for me but I've had a lot of practice). I also don't dwell on past proclamations of undying love and affection or inability to live without me. Those are just words and I no longer allow such drama and sap to affect me. I guess I'm cynical. I don't believe in soul mates and I don't believe in the perfect partner or The One. I believe that the universe or God or higher power sends us those people that we need to be sent so that we can learn what we need to about ourselves that will make us grow. I search for the lesson and I assure you, it's not something any of our mothers could have taught me. I can say, after many break-ups, that usually the lesson has something to do with wants and expectations.

 

It's also tremendously helpful to stay in the present moment. Dwelling on the past and dreaming about the future (or what it might have been) just hurts. And hurt is something I'm trying to avoid.

 

 

Well said GSS - It takes a tremendous amount of effort and thought to remain focused on what is best for ourselves. I like your view on no longer being assigned as their crutch. I also agree wholeheartedly that we must see this as part of our journey and seek the lesson in this chapter.

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You all have encouraged me a great deal with your words. GirlStillStrong, you especially touched on something with me when you wrote about how staying in the A is really encouraging weakness in your partner. This has been so true for me. I have allowed him to take an easier road by having both me and his marriage/family/outward appearances, and he has stayed married because the pain of divorce and custody issues was too great for him to face. But I stayed accessible as someone he could run to for comfort, thus enabling him to avoid the real issues. I will try to focus on this as it strikes a chord with me.

 

Also, I hope I can be as strong as you when you write that the promises of undying love are just words. You are right, and actions speak louder than words. If there is no action the words mean nothing. I have got to get his voice out of my head, though, because every time I imagine him telling me those things it breaks my heart all over again. This will just take time.

 

So many great words of wisdom here. Thanks all!

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GirlStillStrong

I'm glad what I shared of myself is helpful to you RainsitPours. I have a lot of life experience fighting my own codependence, and getting myself out of codependent relationships (seems most everyone's idea of a relationship is the codependent one). I've learned that our words create our realities and if we want to grow, we need to learn new words and ideas with which to understand our experiences. Long ago, I believed in all of those sweet sayings, like the idea of soulmates, or when people say they can't live without you. If you google awfulizing or catastrophizing, you can probably find a few articles about this kind of thing.

 

But yes, it's pretty dysfunctional to run two relationships at one time, and especially dysfunctional to lie to one or both of the relationship partners. These people make loads of excuses for their bad behavior, just so that they can continue to chase a feeling. Like a drug, a high, just like heroin. Why would I continue to enable a person to destroy themselves or their lives that way? If a person can't make a commitment to being together after getting to know one another 6 or so months, they're just not ready to leave their current life. If that's where they feel comfortable, more power to them. But my own comfort with how i live my life is more important to me than HIS comfort. If he decides to be with me then absolutely i would make his comfort a priority. Hmmm I think I got off on a tangent, sorry. Just thinking out loud :)

 

We tend to define these scenarios as "an affair," or we judge them and call them names like "dog," "cheater," or "immature." But really all we are doing by continuing an affair past that point is ignoring their own self-destruction. Sooner or later, reality will need to be dealt with. The way to happiness is not in chasing a feeling or a high, or choosing a different relationship partner. And I need to be strong enough not to encourage those things in others. To do otherwise is to join them, and that kind of dysfunction just doesn't sit right with me.

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Also, I hope I can be as strong as you when you write that the promises of undying love are just words. You are right, and actions speak louder than words. If there is no action the words mean nothing. I have got to get his voice out of my head, though, because every time I imagine him telling me those things it breaks my heart all over again. This will just take time.

 

So many great words of wisdom here. Thanks all!

 

In the end, actions are the only things that matter. It's so hard to pay attention to the actions when words can be so convincing. Words can be justifications of self-delusion.

 

For example my exMW always said "I'm never in a position where I have to lie to him."

 

Since I was so enamoured by her, somehow that was enough for me. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. But if I take a step back and look at it the situation from an omniscient point of view, of course there is lying and deception and that's why the whole situation was incredibly painful for all parties involved.

 

People need to take responsibility for their actions and words. An OW/OM can do that by leaving. No matter the pain. Exit the situation, because the MM/MW will certainly not do anything to ease the situation by treating the other two people in the triangle with respect. An affair is inherently disrespectful. It's probably one of the worst things you can do to another human being. I mean, what else could cause more emotional damage than an affair? Unless the affair somehow has some conditional clauses where it's only sexual or something. But the BS has to ultimately suffer the emotional damage.

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Fusion,

That's what MM said to me too. In hindsight I saw that he carefully orchestrated everything he did.

 

He was doing all the things he told his wife... just omitted to say he was out doing them with me.

 

Things like movies, bush walking, swimming, driving up the mountains, sailing on the harbour. He was doing them but his wife thought he was alone.

 

Lying by omission is still lying. There has to be some careful planning put into those lies.

Poppy

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Fusion,

That's what MM said to me too. In hindsight I saw that he carefully orchestrated everything he did.

 

He was doing all the things he told his wife... just omitted to say he was out doing them with me.

 

Things like movies, bush walking, swimming, driving up the mountains, sailing on the harbour. He was doing them but his wife thought he was alone.

 

Lying by omission is still lying. There has to be some careful planning put into those lies.

Poppy

 

Yes for sure. He was abusing his wife's trust and abusing your affection. Affair's are just so incredibly messy.

 

My exMW used to say "He never asks where I went or how I was doing."

 

I interpreted that as "He doesn't love her, therefore it's okay if I step in and fulfill that role."

 

Honestly, I see it now as, of course he loves her if he married her. He doesn't ask because he trusts and loves her. A person who trusts and loves someone doesn't need to track whereabouts. It's the betrayer that is not capable of loving.

 

It's funny how a little perception change can perhaps change the entirety of the situation. In any case, people should take a stand against helping another person lie blatantly to their spouse's face.

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GirlStillStrong
people should take a stand against helping another person lie blatantly to their spouse's face.

 

THIS.

 

It is so easy to get caught up in the newness, the passion, the proclamations, and the promises of an affair that we forget or dismiss the very idea that the MM or MW is lying, and living a lie. I'm sorry but in my book, this is just not acceptable and I refuse to contribute to it. I have too much integrity for it. Granted, I got involved with him in the first place but I would not have done so had I not been led to believe they were going to separate for the second time. No excuse, I know.

 

Now, MM has told me he has told her the truth, that he wants out of the marriage, but that she will not accept this. To him, he is not living a lie, he is simply avoiding arguments by not telling her everything he does. But as far as I can tell, they have lived this way for many years; separate lives that is. So I'm not sure how to look at this now except to say it's just not something I want to have a hand in.

 

Love this thread!

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THIS.

 

It is so easy to get caught up in the newness, the passion, the proclamations, and the promises of an affair that we forget or dismiss the very idea that the MM or MW is lying, and living a lie. I'm sorry but in my book, this is just not acceptable and I refuse to contribute to it. I have too much integrity for it. Granted, I got involved with him in the first place but I would not have done so had I not been led to believe they were going to separate for the second time. No excuse, I know.

 

Now, MM has told me he has told her the truth, that he wants out of the marriage, but that she will not accept this. To him, he is not living a lie, he is simply avoiding arguments by not telling her everything he does. But as far as I can tell, they have lived this way for many years; separate lives that is. So I'm not sure how to look at this now except to say it's just not something I want to have a hand in.

 

Love this thread!

 

Yes. Continued involvement in an affair from OW/OM is usually due to a lack of emotional maturity or a lack of foresight in the situation. I mean, it's very difficult to be aware of "putting yourself in the BS's shoes" to understand the gravity of the situation.

 

We are all usually just really short sighted and can see what we have ourselves with MM/MW. An emotionally mature person can grow up and see that these people are living double lives and are okay with it.

 

I think most OW/OM wouldn't "cheat" on their MM/MW. I have a friend who's an OW to a married man from another COUNTRY. They see each other once every two months. Yet she's "loyal" to him and refuses to see any other guys in her day to day life. Why? Because he's leaving next year :) (His leaving date interestingly keeps getting pushed back and back, conveniently;) ). Her life is literally waiting his text messages and flying to see him every two months where they have hot sex at a hotel.

 

OW/OM get stuck in their situation because they are unable to clearly see the situation from the BS's side - and why would they be able to? It's usually clouded by the MM/MW saying they are unhappy, they are going to leave, etc.

 

It's a smokescreen to understanding the situation fully.. and that is the painful realization that MM/MW behave this way, not because of their circumstances, but totally because of their character. It takes maturity to be able to step back and see things from all angles and understand the intensity of the situation.

 

There is no situation that's so complicated that the MM/MW can't leave unless they really wanted to. There simply isn't. If they loved one person they wouldn't be cheating. In most cases, they aren't capable of truly loving someone. They think they are, but most objective viewers can see they love themselves above all.

 

It's so hard for the OW/OM to play an objective role when their viewpoint of the whole situation is so incredibly limited.

Edited by FusionCutter
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It's a smokescreen to understanding the situation fully.. and that is the painful realization that MM/MW behave this way, not because of their circumstances, but totally because of their character. It takes maturity to be able to step back and see things from all angles and understand the intensity of the situation.

 

There is no situation that's so complicated that the MM/MW can't leave unless they really wanted to. There simply isn't. If they loved one person they wouldn't be cheating. In most cases, they aren't capable of truly loving someone. They think they are, but most objective viewers can see they love themselves above all.

 

This is what I try to keep reminding myself. He could leave if he wanted to. He could walk away and start a life with me today if he wanted. But he hasn't, in more than two years he hasn't. There are no more excuses; it just comes down to the fact that he doesn't want to rock the boat at home and I have always been there for him.

 

Last night we had a huge argument about him leaving. He told me he was sorry he couldn't meet "my timeline." He said he was having trouble at work and couldn't handle a divorce right now. Is there ever a good time for a divorce? It's an excuse. Just another excuse. He refuses to ask me to wait; he says it's not fair to ask that of me. And I know it's not fair but I almost wish he would. It would make me feel wanted. But he doesn't ask, doesn't say "give me six months" or "give me a year."

 

I am still so lost. I know I should block his number and ask him to leave his key but I am floundering. I'm lonely and somehow still desperately hoping he will have an epiphany and decide he wants to be with me.

 

I feel like a shadow of my former self. I feel like I am suffocating under the weight of his rejection. It's absolutely paralyzing and awful.

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My exMW used to say "He never asks where I went or how I was doing."

 

I interpreted that as "He doesn't love her, therefore it's okay if I step in and fulfill that role."

 

Hi fusion, it's amazing that you have understood that. I have read so many times on here how the BS clearly doesn't love the MP because they never ask where they are/what they are doing and they don't do things together. But the truth is allowing your spouse freedom to do things they like without you IS showing love. My H loves football - I don't care for it that much - when we first got together I'd go to matches with him but after a while I really didn't want to do anymore. The unloving thing would have been to say 'I don't like football, I don't want to go anymore, so you won't go either!' . Ditto my running/hiking/photography. We share these activities together sometimes but not ALL the time. We'd be really miserable if the only things we allowed each other to do were the things we wanted to do ourselves. We have a debrief every evening and talk about our days.

 

Trust should be a given in a marriage so that him doing his thing and my doing mine should never be a problem.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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