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Brain Tumour Makes Me Want To Exit


Another Other Man

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Another Other Man

Disclaimer: This will be long. I'm the other man undergoing treatment for a brain tumour and I guess part of me wants to share my thoughts and feelings of my affair in case I don't come out of this. I'm 35, the woman in question is 38.

 

We "met" on a general online discussion forum. We found ourselves agreeing with each other's comments and to get to the point; this went down the whole private messaging, emails, phone calls, "let's meet up for a coffee" routine that you've heard a dozen times before. Attraction was there from the onset and since I was divorced and she was in the process of separating from her husband, we let ourselves fall into a wonderful whirlwind romance. We agreed to keep things secret until she fully divorced her husband, she had young kids and I accepted that they came first while fitting into the role of the other man.

 

The nine months that followed were almost a dream come true. Sometimes we would meet up for a few minutes, others (if her husband took the kids away for the weekend) we would spend it at my place. We would travel to other cities for our dates, hold hands while sharing witty conversation and affectionate laughs and the love making was perfect. What got to me the most was the unconditional loving. See I'm an orphan, I've never had a family that loves me no matter what, but this woman gave that gift to me and I was smitten.

 

She always told me that she loved me, how she wanted my babies and to grow old with me. It killed me then, when after making love one cool fall afternoon, she let it slip that she and her husband were still sleeping together. Worse still was that over the past few weeks she'd been thinking and decided to try repairing their relationship. She was using her church as an excuse, claiming that she wanted to be a good Christian wife and mother and that although she was madly in love with me, she had to let me go, playing the hurt victim all to herself.

 

That was our period of no contact and it hurt like hell crawling through it, as I'm sure others will know themselves. I won't go into details but fast forward eight weeks later and I find I'm back on that general online discussion forum to delete all my old messages from her. While there I spot a new poster, someone who wrote a lot like her and yep, it turns out it was her! Flirting with guys like crazy (so much for her changing her ways) while occasionally talking of her "great" husband. Again to speed things up, we got talking again, admitted that we both still cared about each other and that splitting up was a mistake.

 

A few days later I was taken into hospital due to the early stages of a brain tumour. I don't want to share details but its an ongoing treatment and while I was away she must have sent me hundreds of emails telling me how much she missed me, how much she loves me, how much she made a mistake by going back to her husband etc. And of course, as I lay there all alone on that hospital bed, I lapped it all up. By damn I needed it, I needed someone to care for me.

 

Three days ago I came out of hospital for a brief time, a break in my treatment and a chance to get my things in order should I not make it out the other side. Kinda morbid I know but it happens. Anyway I sent a message to this woman to tell her I'm out and she immediately responds by telling me how much she loves and misses me but can't see me right away as her kids are sick. No problem, stuff happens, but I then notice her post some other things to other people. The night she's supposedly looking after her sick kids, she's instead out getting drunk with her friends and a few random guys. Posting about how she loves to party and her husband is a keeper.

 

I haven't challenged her on this but its a clear sign how little she really cares for me. As much as NC will hurt on top of my failing health, if I survive my upcoming operation, the fleeting of my life has made me realise how much more I deserve. Hate to think that its taken a tumour to get here though!

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Yes! You deserve so much more than you have settled for. I'm sorry but I don't think her love for you was unconditional at all. She loved you as long as you agreed to accept her terms and conditions. She expected you to be happy being a supplement to her life and marriage. That's so selfish and so totally not unconditional love.

 

 

Take care of yourself and focus on getting through this medical crisis. I wish you luck.

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What she had was not unconditional love for you, as I am sure you have realized. I truly do not believe 2 adults can ever have unconditional love because I would bet that the love does in abuse situations, infidelity, etc. For me, unconditional love is what parents have for kids.

 

Please stop letting her use you. Please stop putting hopes and dreams into her. Please stop allowing her to hurt you over and over again.

 

You are someone she cares about; but not as much as you care about her. You are her "Plan B" (or C or D).

 

I urge you to contact her husband, so he can protect himself and his kids from her. It is evident she has little self control and doesn't care who she hurts, as long as she has fun. I find her behavior abhorrent and so incredibly selfish.

 

Best of luck to you in your treatment.

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Please, I beg of you, as you fight this disease, surround yourself with friends and family who will lift you up, support you, and love you. You do not need the toxicity this selfish woman is bringing into your life. My thoughts and prayers are with you

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How can you even have the nerves to bother about her while you are fighting cancer? thank God its early stage,and concentrate on your life only

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You need to look out for yourself. You sound like a very lovely man.

 

She is only causing you harmful stress. Will she be there for you when you need her... of course not.

 

Please listen to the wisdom and kindness you will find from the people here.

 

All my very best wishes to you for great outcome,

Poppy

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Don't worry about her and worry about yourself. She doesn't truly care for you.. I know that's really tough to hear. She would be by your side if she TRULY cared for you. Don't compromise on this. You are on your own side now, you are beside yourself.

 

These are just words on your computer screen, but I hope you find some comfort. There are people that genuinely care about you that don't even know you. They care for you more than this woman does.

 

Get well soon, my friend.

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Another Other Man

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. You're right in that I shouldn't be thinking about her at a time like this but in the absence of any family or friends, the mind tends to wander during those long hours spent staring at the ceiling from my hospital bed. Its been so long since anyone showed me any attention that I admit I probably cling on to things more than I should.

 

I don't want to contact her husband; she's told me some things about him but I've never bad mouthed or insulted the man, some people just function differently and its not my place to correct him or anyone else. I did however bring up her night of drinking when I'm on what feels like borrowed time. She flipped out, accused me of not knowing her or being in the position to tell her what to do and stormed out of my apartment. We haven't spoken since.

 

Friday I return to hospital for what could be another four weeks (providing the operations succeed) where the no contact rule will be in place again. I'm really sad to be tossed aside like this, especially right now when I cant even stand up and get myself a drink without being in a load of pain, but when I do come out I'm not going to bother letting her know. I'll just keep away and focus on my own needs for a change.

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Please, I beg of you, as you fight this disease, surround yourself with friends and family who will lift you up, support you, and love you. You do not need the toxicity this selfish woman is bringing into your life. My thoughts and prayers are with you

 

^^This!!^^

 

I am sorry that you're going through an awful time, I wish you peace and strength.

 

Bailey is right, you need to have family and friends that love you, support you and will be there for you. Not her who is only going to cause you pain and strife. The last thing you need is that kind of emotional stress.

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I am so sorry you are in the middle of such a serious health crisis. This woman is selfish to the core. There are good people that will love you through this, she will make your ability to recover so difficult. You need to focus on good, and happiness. I am a Hospice nurse and peace, love, and a positive outlook makes things so much easier. You are fighting for your life. Her love is crap. This board will be a huge help for you. Keep coming here. I am in the boat is the OW, so I know that pain. But, as a nurse that guides people, and their loved ones at the end of life, this person is not what you need.

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Another Other Man

Thank you once again everyone. I was orphaned at a very young age and grew up in various care homes and hostels until the government released me at 18. As a result I don't have any family for support and having spent a lot of my adult life working abroad, never made what we would call real friends close to me. It's a situation I'm fine with most of the time but now, well, now I'm feeling a huge gap in my life. I can not begin to express the kind words you are all sharing with me, it is simply magnificent.

 

 

I wonder if her husband knew that they "were in the process of separating" :mad:

 

I think so. I say think because in all honesty, she could have been lying to keep me in place (which I believe is common in such relationships?) but for a second, lets entertain the idea that she was telling me the truth. She mentioned a number of issues that had turned her off him completely, and she told him that she would no longer be sharing a bed with him while she looked for an amicable exit to their marriage.

 

I asked the usual questions: would she go back to him if he changed or is she having this romance with me to score points against him etc. And the answers were all the typical no. It's amazing how all our experiences sound the same sometimes isn't it?

 

Then the second I show signs of an illness, she reveals that her once hated husband has been making some small changes around the house and just like that, all is forgiven and she feels it only fair to give him another chance. So much for being committed to leaving him and going her own way! And the best part? Before our first NC which she initiated, she said how she would never be happy stuck in a marriage with him, how her dreams of happiness were over and how she would never love another man like me. Basically playing the victim card.

 

 

And now she's out partying with other guys and praising her husband to mask her 'sadness' :rolleyes:

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Then the second I show signs of an illness, she reveals that her once hated husband has been making some small changes around the house and just like that, all is forgiven and she feels it only fair to give him another chance.

This is her bailing out on you. And yes I doubt very much that her marriage was half as bad as she made it out to be. Most WS (wandering spouse) exaggerate and bend the truth, rewrite marital history to make them look better in their AP's eyes. Blame the marriage, blame the BS and use that an excuse to continue cheating. "She/He's abusive, she/he's mean, she/he ignores me, he's lazy, she/he does nothing but sit in front of the TV set, he's selfish, he won't have sex with me, we fight all the time, doesn't cook or clean up." etc..etc..

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Another Other Man

Well...despite the difficulties in composing a letter from my phone, while stuck in a hospital bed, hooked up to an IV drip and oxygen mask, I did it. I was sort of hoping to see some sort of message from her, wishing me the best etc. but while she's been online plenty she hasn't sent a single thing to me. That was all I needed.

 

I explained how our relationship was poison, how I am tired of her lies and false promises and that she is someone I don't want in my life. I don't want her prayers or other nonsense, the stuff she usually tells me to make herself appear a saint, nor do I care for her excuses or crocodile tears which she puts on with a flick of a switch.

 

I've got a lot of fighting for my life to do in the next few days and I'm so glad that her part of my life is behind me.

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Decisiontomake

Hey there. I just wanted to say that I am sending best wishes for strength and recovery in both your emotional and physical journey right now.

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Another Other Man-

First, I want to send you love for the challenges that you are experiencing now. Cancer sucks, you can't dress it up and make it pretty. It isn't and I feel for you.

 

I did leave my ex-husband for the love of my life. It was complicated and difficult. I also have two younger children. It was simply the right thing to do. Anything else would have been denying the truth and living a lie. I could not do that and have zero regrets. It was the best, albeit hard, decision I ever made.

 

Shortly after divorces were final and life was moving forward, my (new) husband was diagnosed with Gliosarcoma brain tumor, stage 4. I understand the difficulties you face. I can not tell you how much I wish you had the love and support you need right now. Have your doctor's suggested any home care help?

 

It was my honor to love my husband and stand by him and with him through his illness. Any person who is incapable of that is not worthy of your love, thoughts or time. Unconditional love is just that; UNCONDITIONAL. The other posters are right, this is a time for you to love yourself and this woman will only cause you stress and leave you feeling like crap. Do not give her this part of yourself.

 

She does not deserve it. Much Love and Respect.

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Hi AOMan, first off, sounds like the OW is not the keeper you need or want. I get that because of your history and your current ill health, having someone who cares is what you need, we all need to feel loved and wanted. This woman is not the right one to give you that, at any time.

 

As for the journey you are on with your illness, I am a cancer survivor, and an XBS, both a hard road to travel. It is hard, very hard, in fact there should be a new word invented to describe how scary it all can be. But, right now, right this minute you are here and you are living and you have a chance to get things right for you. The people at LS will be here for you, every step of the way, whether it is from the perspective of the other person, or just as people who wish you the very best and will be thinking about you and hoping for the best outcome for you. Focus on you, on beating this, there will be times when you cannot see tomorrow for worrying about today, that bit is hard and frightening, but it passes (I promise).

 

I hope your heart is healed or at least not too battered, I also hope that your operation went well and that recovery will be the next step. Take very good care of you, come on LS and just pour it out, people here care, truly. One moment at a time (I am almost 7 years along and clear, it can work out).

Thinking of you and wishing you all the very best seren x

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Well...despite the difficulties in composing a letter from my phone, while stuck in a hospital bed, hooked up to an IV drip and oxygen mask, I did it. I was sort of hoping to see some sort of message from her, wishing me the best etc. but while she's been online plenty she hasn't sent a single thing to me. That was all I needed.

 

I explained how our relationship was poison, how I am tired of her lies and false promises and that she is someone I don't want in my life. I don't want her prayers or other nonsense, the stuff she usually tells me to make herself appear a saint, nor do I care for her excuses or crocodile tears which she puts on with a flick of a switch.

 

I've got a lot of fighting for my life to do in the next few days and I'm so glad that her part of my life is behind me.

 

You're in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

 

As for her, well, she loses out on a great person. Her loss, not yours.

 

Seren, that was a lovely reply, brought tears to my eyes.

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GirlStillStrong

This woman, if we can call her that, is bad news. You can't believe a word she says. She sounds like she has some kind of mental illness.

 

I'm sorry about not having any family. Although I was not orphaned, I have none to speak of either. Some people are very keen to our deepest wants and needs such as having a family. And they play on them. It is impossible to know who is so disordered that they would prey on a person's heart like that, but there are sociopaths all among us. The key is, once you recognize that a person is like that, steer clear. Else we may wind up as true victims.

 

She is dangerous. Please move on.

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Another Other Man

[uPDATE] it's been a tough couple of days but I'm finally home from hospital for a while! :)

 

There's been no further contact from the woman since I sent her that "goodbye" letter at the end of November. Part of me is glad that it's all over but another part of me is still hurt that she hasn't shown any concern or even written a response. Almost as if the letter was just what she needed to get herself off the hook. An easy escape so to speak.

 

I did make the silly mistake of checking that same online discussion forum (where we met) twice while I was in hospital. I saw a message from her about how she loves her kids and how the sex with her husband is amazing. This of course resulted in lots of other sexual talk from other "male" forum members whereby she asked them to contact her in private as she was getting excited. I wouldn't be surprised if she's found another OM already.

 

A few days later I checked it again to find that she's removed all those messages and started posting pictures of her church study group. She tends to do this from time to time but soon falls back to her regular self.

 

I'm not sure how I feel to be honest. When I think about her, I do miss her a lot. I miss the way she would be interested in my work, how she used to make the time to talk with me, how there was always an urgency in meeting because she missed me and especially the laughs and clever conversations we had. When I think of her sharing those with another man, and maybe finally leaving her husband for this other man, it makes me feel even more used and worthless. I hate how she turned against me so suddenly yet continued to be so perky around everyone else.

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FusionCutter
[uPDATE] it's been a tough couple of days but I'm finally home from hospital for a while! :)

 

There's been no further contact from the woman since I sent her that "goodbye" letter at the end of November. Part of me is glad that it's all over but another part of me is still hurt that she hasn't shown any concern or even written a response. Almost as if the letter was just what she needed to get herself off the hook. An easy escape so to speak.

 

I did make the silly mistake of checking that same online discussion forum (where we met) twice while I was in hospital. I saw a message from her about how she loves her kids and how the sex with her husband is amazing. This of course resulted in lots of other sexual talk from other "male" forum members whereby she asked them to contact her in private as she was getting excited. I wouldn't be surprised if she's found another OM already.

 

A few days later I checked it again to find that she's removed all those messages and started posting pictures of her church study group. She tends to do this from time to time but soon falls back to her regular self.

 

I'm not sure how I feel to be honest. When I think about her, I do miss her a lot. I miss the way she would be interested in my work, how she used to make the time to talk with me, how there was always an urgency in meeting because she missed me and especially the laughs and clever conversations we had. When I think of her sharing those with another man, and maybe finally leaving her husband for this other man, it makes me feel even more used and worthless. I hate how she turned against me so suddenly yet continued to be so perky around everyone else.

 

No contact is no contact. Focus on yourself my friend. You need to wake up and see it for what it is. She is a toxic woman. One day you will get sick of missing her and ask yourself, "Why am I missing a toxic woman?" it will make no sense.

 

You should be grateful she is out of your life. Pick up the pieces and move on. Don't waste energy. You need to live your life and not obsessing about hers. She is likely not thinking about you. Use this harsh reality to not waste any more time thinking about her. Take care of yourself.

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Anyone who tells you they love you completely and that they want to have kids with you, and then suddenly does an about face is a complete ass. Sorry, that's what she is. To say those things, to lead you on in such a way, is unconscionable.

 

I am so sorry to hear about your illness and that you have to go through it alone. You have had a lot of sadness in your life and I sure hope you find someone who really deserves you and who will bring joy into your life.

 

I hope you'll keep us posted as to how you're doing. I hope for your speedy recovery.

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