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Post Affair: Poker Face and holding it together.


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So the question is what do you do when you bump into your exAP?

 

 

The reason why I asked this is because I work in the same building as my exAP and sometimes I feel like going to HR about this. While some say I'm doing the right thing by keeping the affair a secret, but this secret can take it toll and sometimes I want to end this charade. I have good days when I have contact either miminal to non-existance and then I have days when it's so so bad.

 

A prime example of this happened just a few days ago. I was at my workstation and she just happened to come along. Just happily walking by and pregnent. I tried not to take any notice and focused on my work. However for a brief second I honestly thought she was going to say something to me. Anyway a co worker stopped her in her tracks and they started discussing her pregnancy.:sick: Not the nicest thing to listen to and kudos to my exAP for not backtracking past me liked she normally does.

The following day both our breaks clashed and by god what a nightmare. I sat in my usual place in the staff canteen and she sat behind me and in direct line of sight of me. While I couldn't see her because my back turned against her, she was in plain view of me. Worst still I got to listen to her being pregant again and again. When I went to get my coffee, my poker face just melted off and I was so angry. I felt like going to the table and exposing the affair we had. I felt like revealing that everything isn't green grass and blue sky. I felt like passing the pain onto her that I had to carry in secret for so long. Never ever would I do this to anyone and never would I encrouch on her break. While the first break is understandable but I made sure I went to the staff canteen 30 minutes prior to her break. However she just happened to walked into that one as well and sat down behind me. Surely she must know what times I take my breaks? Anyway I had to listen to her being pregnant AGAIN!

 

Sometimes I get the impression she is doing it on purpose because I pretend she doesn't exist. Maybe my poker face is so good, she doesn't see what actually going on and get the impression I don't care about her?

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She is going on with her life, even if it bothers you so much that she is doing the poker face too. Or maybe she's not , maybe she feels she has the right to speak to whomever, where ever, regardless if you're standing or working nearby where she is. she isn't going to change her routine.

 

Don't go to HR. You knew company policy, you knew she was married and chose to have an affair with a co worker. That's on you both, not just on her. What is HR gonna do? Fire her? Fire you both?

 

If it upsets you so much, start looking for another job. Or ask for a transfer to another branch of the company if there is one. Or, you can say F it, she's got baby on the way and isn't into me anymore so I AM DONE. Then hold yourself accountable, make yourself NOT care if she is there around you.

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You continue to think every thing she does is all about you.

 

Its not.

 

She has a right to a break, just like you do. She isn't sitting in front of you, but you still seem to think that she sits behind you and pines away for you. I would be willing to bet she doesn't.

 

She is pregnant - pregnant people talk about being pregnant. Its what they do. Its your issue, not hers, that you can't handle it.

 

This is why it is never a good idea to start up anything with a co-worker because in the end, when it does end, it makes your work life more drama filled.

 

Instead of constantly focusing on her and what she is doing, focus on yourself. She has a right to walk around the department/company and she doesn't have to ask your permission to do so (same thing with taking breaks). She isn't bothering you, she isn't talking to you, she isn't stalking you...she is existing. If you can't handle that, then maybe its time to find a new job. Because guess what, once she has the baby and returns to work, she is going to be talking about the baby - constantly..showing pictures, telling stories, etc.

 

Going to HR? To tell them what? That you willingly had an affair with her? That she dumped you and got pregnant by her boyfriend/husband? Exactly what are you going to tell on her for doing?

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I feel for you. It makes it quite difficult to move forward when you see this person everyday, but it is doable with strong will. Venting here will help. I'm going through a similar scenario with my exAP, a MM who I work with. I stay as far as possible from him, but I do hear stuff about his new home, stories about his kids, etc. It makes me cringe and my days can be draining if I spend too much time dwelling on his moving on with life seemingly without consequence. So I just try not to dwell. I do let myself feel sad or angry but only for a few moments. I don't have any solid advice since this is fairly recent for me, but I try to believe that I deserve better, and my priority is to make myself a better person.

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still_an_Angel

One of 2 things, she's well and truly over you or, she goes the extra mile to mask her true feelings and is wanting you to see how happy she is. She could just be matching the facade you put on yourself. Sorry I haven't really read your back story so this might be a shot in the dark.

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One of 2 things, she's well and truly over you or, she goes the extra mile to mask her true feelings and is wanting you to see how happy she is. She could just be matching the facade you put on yourself. Sorry I haven't really read your back story so this might be a shot in the dark.

 

Sadly my backstory isn't accurate because I put a spin on my encounters. I just don't know if she ever read these boards but I doubt it.

 

However you are very right that she does mask her feelings towards me but I don't like to accept that. Instead I try to convince myself that's truly over and I can move on with my life. However from time to time her pain does come to the surface and it does make me think if I'm doing the right thing. My family told me I did the wrong thing by pushing her away and in my counciling it was said I need to speak to her.

A few weeks back I was discussing my manager with two co workers and one of these co workers is a young woman. There is nothing going on between us but my exAP just happen to stood behind me. I didn't know she was there at the time untill I turned aroumd. She just stood there not looking at me but looking directly at a fixture three meters away at least. It could be because she didn't know how I will react to her pregnancy or she wanted to speak to me. However her gaze at the feature was lifeless.

 

The thing that bothers me is she is pregnent and it should mark the end of the affair for good. However this isn't the case and she does reveal the pain I had caused her. She maybe putting 100% into her relationship but the effect of me ending the EA just before it about to cross the line is still effecting her.

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You continue to think every thing she does is all about you.

 

No I do not! I like to think it's over and therefor I can move on with my life. However from time to time she shows how much I had upset her.

 

Its not.

 

She has a right to a break, just like you do. She isn't sitting in front of you, but you still seem to think that she sits behind you and pines away for you. I would be willing to bet she doesn't.

 

The fact is she doesn't like me taking my break at the sametime as her. I wonder why is that? The last time I entered her department for something, she did get angry.......

 

She is pregnant - pregnant people talk about being pregnant. Its what they do. Its your issue, not hers, that you can't handle it.

 

I agree with you on that one because it no nice to hear especially I screwed everything up and I listen to the outcome of my mistakes.

 

This is why it is never a good idea to start up anything with a co-worker because in the end, when it does end, it makes your work life more drama filled.

 

Actually she was trying it on me and I turned our spark into a platonic friendship. It not like I was aiming for an affair.

 

Instead of constantly focusing on her and what she is doing, focus on yourself. She has a right to walk around the department/company and she doesn't have to ask your permission to do so (same thing with taking breaks). She isn't bothering you, she isn't talking to you, she isn't stalking you...she is existing. If you can't handle that, then maybe its time to find a new job. Because guess what, once she has the baby and returns to work, she is going to be talking about the baby - constantly..showing pictures, telling stories, etc.

 

With my luck she will bring the baby into work. However I do focus on myself and at the sametime give her as much space as possible. However if she want to walk behind me when there are other alternative routes then that is upto her and it not my fault if she choose that path.

 

Going to HR? To tell them what? That you willingly had an affair with her? That she dumped you and got pregnant by her boyfriend/husband? Exactly what are you going to tell on her for doing?

 

Actually I dumped her twice...... However if she happy to walk around me and take both breaks at the sametime, how come she became annoyed when we bumped into each other when we were both leaving? She's angry and upset with me but it doesn't mean that there are currently problems in her relationship but it does mean she could inflict emotional pain on me like she done in the past.

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Wambo, very gently, I think you're reading into her expressions and her actions. I think she's moved on with her life.

 

 

I think, just based on what you've posted, that you're looking for some indication of what she's thinking. To me, when someone becomes fixated on another person's glances or expressions, they're looking for something that is just not there.

 

 

Regardless, you staying fixated on her and what she's possibly feeling is holding you back from moving on. Try not to focus so much on her. The sooner you heal, the sooner you move on to a fantastic life with someone special.

 

 

Hugs and best wishes,

GG

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Wambo, very gently, I think you're reading into her expressions and her actions. I think she's moved on with her life.

 

 

I think, just based on what you've posted, that you're looking for some indication of what she's thinking. To me, when someone becomes fixated on another person's glances or expressions, they're looking for something that is just not there.

 

 

Regardless, you staying fixated on her and what she's possibly feeling is holding you back from moving on. Try not to focus so much on her. The sooner you heal, the sooner you move on to a fantastic life with someone special.

 

 

Hugs and best wishes,

GG

 

Thank you Georgia girl for your feedback.

 

 

I do understand where you are coming from and I understand why you might be a bit concerned. However we rarely cross paths with each other and I do my best to aviod possible run in with her. So on a weekily bases we may bump into each other three times and that it. Each time it happens I do my best to ignore her and pretend she just doesn't exist. Even one of her best friends could vouch for me and she has seen how her friend is upset around me.

 

I want to move forward with my life and I even created a fantasy in my head of my exAP moving on aswell. However this isn't happening because the pain I caused by leaving her is still present today but this pain is now focus more into anger. So every now and again I get reminded by what I had done and the possible mistakes I had made. Worst still now she is pregnant it make it harder to accept what I had done because she is pregnant and pi**ed off with me at the sametime. By the way there was another anger moment today.

 

The final thing, she was a good friend of mine and I do find her special. So it hard to accept what i had lost and may of lost.

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AlwaysGrowing

For crying outloud....change jobs....people do it all the time.

 

Quite frankly, someone who just sits and wallows becomes annoying to those around them.

 

You seem quite content in sitting in your victim role....why?

 

That is the only question/issue that you should be focused on.

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It really isn't your problem or concern HOW she is handling this. You ended things, twice. Sucks she got hurt, but hey, SHE was the married one messing around behind her husband's back. She's pregnant by her husband. The A is over. You cannot control how she is reacting or if she is upset still. Really, who cares? She's a grown woman, not a child. Please, for your own sanity stop the pitying her and feeling bad for hurting her. She isn't going to break, she isn't going to die.

 

It seems no matter what she does or doesn't do, it's gonna affect you. It's up to you now how to handle it all so you don't get stressed out etc. You are way too focused on everything she does, you're aware of every movement, how she avoids looking at you. Maybe she is over it and just feels very uncomfortable around you period, and you're the one far from over it.

 

Be honest, how much does this consume you when NOT at work? Do you wake up thinking of her, fall asleep thinking of her? Does she enter your thoughts on weekends when you're home?

 

I want to move forward with my life

 

Then just do it. Like the NIKE ad says! Nothing is holding you back, except yourself.

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For crying outloud....change jobs....people do it all the time.

 

Quite frankly, someone who just sits and wallows becomes annoying to those around them.

 

You seem quite content in sitting in your victim role....why?

 

That is the only question/issue that you should be focused on.

 

Actually I'm in the process of getting a transfer to another department to get away from my manager. This BTW should of happened over a year ago but for some unknown reason stopped when HR started cracking down on people fleeing for their careers.

The other thing I'm not playing the victim, I'm ranting having to tolerate other people problems and I'm ****ing sick of it. If I was going to speak my mind then this would look like a script of the Thick Of it. If you had no clue of what I'm talking about then I suggest youtubing Malcolm Tucker. In fact I had no more intention creating any more posts because I know where I stand and what to do. The only reason why I'm replying is because of your post.

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It really isn't your problem or concern HOW she is handling this. You ended things, twice. Sucks she got hurt, but hey, SHE was the married one messing around behind her husband's back. She's pregnant by her husband. The A is over. You cannot control how she is reacting or if she is upset still. Really, who cares? She's a grown woman, not a child. Please, for your own sanity stop the pitying her and feeling bad for hurting her. She isn't going to break, she isn't going to die.

 

It seems no matter what she does or doesn't do, it's gonna affect you. It's up to you now how to handle it all so you don't get stressed out etc. You are way too focused on everything she does, you're aware of every movement, how she avoids looking at you. Maybe she is over it and just feels very uncomfortable around you period, and you're the one far from over it.

 

Be honest, how much does this consume you when NOT at work? Do you wake up thinking of her, fall asleep thinking of her? Does she enter your thoughts on weekends when you're home?

 

 

Then just do it. Like the NIKE ad says! Nothing is holding you back, except yourself.

 

I put it this way. This board can be an excellent tool to help people solve their own problems but no one should be spending too much time here or otherwise they will fail to move on.

However to give you a direct answer, sometimes I do think back at the mistakes I had made and what things could of been. It may sound cryptic but I'm thinking about several things and not just the affair itself.

 

To conclude what should be my final post. I don't look at her and I try to keep busy if she is close by. It not like I put up several CCTV cameras around my section and go through the footage with a fine comb. Instead I take no notice and only regisiter her frustration if she start sulking. However I guess I need to stop doing that too.

However the way I see it either I need to talk to her and ease things over. Or just ignore, Ignore, IGNORE and don't winge if her behaviour is to personal for my liking.

 

So I gon BUY! :)

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I am sorry, i do not understand the issue. Did you never have a girlfriend in school, break up and see them in the hall? You just have to deal with it. Move on.

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I put it this way. This board can be an excellent tool to help people solve their own problems but no one should be spending too much time here or otherwise they will fail to move on.

However to give you a direct answer, sometimes I do think back at the mistakes I had made and what things could of been. It may sound cryptic but I'm thinking about several things and not just the affair itself.

 

To conclude what should be my final post. I don't look at her and I try to keep busy if she is close by. It not like I put up several CCTV cameras around my section and go through the footage with a fine comb. Instead I take no notice and only regisiter her frustration if she start sulking. However I guess I need to stop doing that too.

However the way I see it either I need to talk to her and ease things over. Or just ignore, Ignore, IGNORE and don't winge if her behaviour is to personal for my liking.

 

So I gon BUY! :)

 

Well, wish you wouldn't leave because your posts indicate that you need some more help. Pining over a pregnant woman who has moved on, and you still feel bad for hurting her. Aren't you more pissed that she hurt you? you have a kind heart and she took advantage of that, using it against you. You are still very much in the present and hanging on to her. Everybody who has posted to you has picked up on that. Just because you may not like what people are telling you here doesn't mean you have to leave. Anyway, I wish you luck and hope you can get to the point that you don't feel so uncomfortable when she's near by.

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Well, wish you wouldn't leave because your posts indicate that you need some more help. Pining over a pregnant woman who has moved on, and you still feel bad for hurting her. Aren't you more pissed that she hurt you? you have a kind heart and she took advantage of that, using it against you. You are still very much in the present and hanging on to her. Everybody who has posted to you has picked up on that. Just because you may not like what people are telling you here doesn't mean you have to leave. Anyway, I wish you luck and hope you can get to the point that you don't feel so uncomfortable when she's near by.

 

There are a few things I want to clear before I go. Originally I wasn't planning on posting a reply but after some consideration I thought it was the right thing to do. While I'm still leaving this forum but I want to explain why and expand on my situation.

 

In fact I just deleted a lot of writing and just wanted to get to the cracks of it.

 

The truth is a lot of this forum is populated by women who been strung along by married men. End of the day most knew their married man was eerrr married and just went along with it anyway. The point is there isn't a lot of other stories on this board and so far I only encounter two women who were in a center of an EA. One of them was a great help and gave me great insight into my situation. The other problem most people here either at the end of their affair or near to it by their choice or their MM.

The other thing I want to bring up is because this section is normally dominated by HURT people, they aren't really reliable because they been emotionally devasted by their expirences. What I'm saying is I had been given some bad advice or better put not the correct advice. It only happened a few times but a prime example is she going to have surgery and she was upset I refused to talk to her. People told me to stick to the NC route but instead I should of used the chance to get everything out in the open and confront her about her problems. That is the better solution instead of her returning to work, being upset and watching me making a coffee.

 

whichwayisup you mentioned I still need help and I understand that. In fact I totally agree with this statement however only because my psychy had taken a good kicking for 'letting people down.' However this is a forum and typing a random few messages isn't going to solve my problems. Instead if I need help then I need to get it from my expert not from mostly women who been heart broken by selfish bastards. What I'm saying is I need to get up and do something!

Some are saying my exAP been using me and she doesn't care about me. Have you ever thought I was being honest and I'm the one who kept pushing her away because I didn't want to wreck our friendship? Haven't you all thought that all these series of events was my own doing or I made the wrong choices? While yes on paper I did morally the right thing in preventing an affair and ending an EA when it became intense. However I ended the EA because I was given the wrong impression that she was using me and no one else to blame except for me.

Now here come the ****ed up bit and this had me running away from. Because I pushed her away, she stayed with her boyfriend and now she is pregnent with his child. A man who is nearing fifty having a child with a young woman who is in her early twenties. What I'm trying to say is if I hadn't pushed her away so many times that baby could of been mine. So not only had I lost one of my best friends, but a woman I love and a possible family. And you lot wondering why I'm so torn up about it. You could claim I'm making it up but even before the EA started she wanted to meet up with me outside of work and even invited to her best friend birthday. What so odd about that invite it was a ladies night in town but she wanted me around her a lot of the time.

Then I read comments about her being over me and I'm causing self inflicted pain. I'm sorry but I'm hearing bull from that one. How many pregnant women do you see either standing next to their exAP in secret or get angry when they are close by? It doesn't make sense except she is angry with me because I hurt her. The reason why I hurt her because I pushed her away and I'm no longer in her life.

 

This is going to be a nail in my coffin and trust me it's a good one. My manager was moved to my department and something very serious happended but I didn't know about it at the time. I thought my manager was bit of a strange character but we got a long well and I thought he was a nice guy. However I was taken into a room along with other people and the lady in charage wanted to know about our experiences with my manager. my manager used to be on another department inside the company but moved to mine. Most of the people in that room were from his old department and they hated him. I couldn't work out why and I defended him. Since then I been ****ed over by him god know how many times and I feel I let down my own team by protecting him. I thought because he is a bit strange that they taken an offence to him but in reality there is a dark side to him and he lies so much. Once he got it in for you he will not stop until that person is gone or his superiors have to step in..

 

I could of easily gone into my background but what I'm saying is a lot of my problems today is because I was too nice and as a result I had let friends down. So it not a nice thing to go through having lost a possible family and having my career destroyed by a stupid plank. So typing on a messageboard isn't going to solve anything and it may even prevent me taking charge especially I'm hearing stuff like she is using me.

Now is my exAP going to leave her relationship? Well it's down to her and I'm not going to be part of it. However I pretty much doubt we will have a future together!

 

However if you going to call BS and say an upset pregnant woman running away from you is normal. All I have to say is good luck with deludding yourself and get some expert help.

 

Before I go I want to say I'm keeping a healthy distance away from my exAP and there haven't been any problems for sometime. However I want to do a hardness test on my manager's head and see if his thick skull is hard enough to penetrate the floor. So you see I have a healthy balance of regrett for letting down my friends and at the sametime I had joined the rank of 10 people who almost clubbered my manager. Sorry but do you think everyone else who had problems with my manager had affairs and suffered depression? Post affair with one of your best friends is bad enough but having to put up with my manager aswell is very draining on self confidense.

 

So here we go AGAIN!

 

I gon buy!:)

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