LisaASmith Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 (edited) Sorry for the long message, I needed to get everything off my chest to make sense of it first. I met my guy (not married but in 5 yr relationship) when we both started our job 6 months ago. We liked each other and got on from the beginning and I thought the attraction was one sided. However when we were at the pub together we took things too far and he confessed to be attracted to me from the start. I had been in a dead end marriage for 2 years and so I ended that almost immediately as I have never cheated on a partner before and realised I did it because I was not in love anymore. However I continued to enjoy this guys company at work/outside of work and fooling around but no sex (his decision as he says cares for me too much to do that whilst in a relationship) and I didn't feel too guilty as his gf is long distance, a decision he did not agree to :S until we both started to develop feelings. So he told his gf he wanted to break things off but she decided to move back to work on their relationship. Since then it has been very awkward, he says he does not want to be with his gf but it will take time to break up with her. He will not tell her what we did which I guess is ok if he doesnt want to be with her. But I recently said I want no outside work contact whilst he is still with her, every time I back off he comes running though. The other night he promised he'd leave her when he'd been drinking but has no made mention of that since. Then the other day he said he had been thinking about whether we have a future cos I have a toddler but he said it wasn't a deal breaker, and he said he loved me for the first time. I have since heard nothing so I am being strong and blocked his number and deleted my email account so he cannot contact me but I am dreading work with him tomorrow. I don't really know why I'm on here, whether it's to confess to my guilt, to get support for trying to do the right thing or hoping to hear that maybe this guy means what he says about leaving his gf/loving me but it just feels like he only says these things to control the situation/stop me from distancing myself. I feel he's being manipulative which is weird because he is such a nice guy usually, I guess affairs bring out the worst in people Edited November 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Lisa, his actions will tell you everything you need to know. Listen to them, not his words. If he wants to be with you he will break up with his girlfriend and be with you. If he doesn't, he will continue to just try and control the situation with his words. As a single mom, please be very careful with him. You have more than yourself to be concerned about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Sorry for the long message, I needed to get everything off my chest to make sense of it first. I met my guy (not married but in 5 yr relationship) when we both started our job 6 months ago. We liked each other and got on from the beginning and I thought the attraction was one sided. However when we were at the pub together we took things too far and he confessed to be attracted to me from the start. I had been in a dead end marriage for 2 years and so I ended that almost immediately as I have never cheated on a partner before and realised I did it because I was not in love anymore. However I continued to enjoy this guys company at work/outside of work and fooling around but no sex (his decision as he says cares for me too much to do that whilst in a relationship) and I didn't feel too guilty as his gf is long distance, a decision he did not agree to :S until we both started to develop feelings. So he told his gf he wanted to break things off but she decided to move back to work on their relationship. Since then it has been very awkward, he says he does not want to be with his gf but it will take time to break up with her. He will not tell her what we did which I guess is ok if he doesnt want to be with her. But I recently said I want no outside work contact whilst he is still with her, every time I back off he comes running though. The other night he promised he'd leave her when he'd been drinking but has no made mention of that since. Then the other day he said he had been thinking about whether we have a future cos I have a toddler but he said it wasn't a deal breaker, and he said he loved me for the first time. I have since heard nothing so I am being strong and blocked his number and deleted my email account so he cannot contact me but I am dreading work with him tomorrow. I don't really know why I'm on here, whether it's to confess to my guilt, to get support for trying to do the right thing or hoping to hear that maybe this guy means what he says about leaving his gf/loving me but it just feels like he only says these things to control the situation/stop me from distancing myself. I feel he's being manipulative which is weird because he is such a nice guy usually, I guess affairs bring out the worst in people So he questions if you had a future because of your child and you're still interested in this guy? Also, once this relationship implodes leave your husband alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 So he questions if you had a future because of your child and you're still interested in this guy? Also, once this relationship implodes leave your husband alone. Lisa, are you married? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaASmith Posted November 16, 2014 Author Share Posted November 16, 2014 Yes I'm married but separated. I have no interest in reconciling with my husband as even 18 months after we had our son he is not sexually attracted to me despite me loosing all the baby weight and he has admitted that he does not want to have a sexual relationship with me. The other guy has said he does want a relationship with me but simply said me having a son is a big deal to him as he is 25 and would be a big commitment long term for him but he said it is not a deal breaker Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Yes I'm married but separated. I have no interest in reconciling with my husband as even 18 months after we had our son he is not sexually attracted to me despite me loosing all the baby weight and he has admitted that he does not want to have a sexual relationship with me. The other guy has said he does want a relationship with me but simply said me having a son is a big deal to him as he is 25 and would be a big commitment long term for him but he said it is not a deal breaker Irrational behaviour is common in affairs. You are displaying some here. You said he questioned if the two of you had a future because of your child and your making excuses for him? "Oh he is only 25, its not a deal breaker" its all crap, anyone that questions a relationship with you because your child isn't someone worth having a relationship with. Of course your no interested in your husband NOW because you have your focus somewhere else. Its once that focal point is gone odds are you will once again turn it on your husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Your son is part of you...why you would ever even think about having a relationship with some dude who has told you that you having a child is an issue is beyond me. No guy who questions having a relationship with you because of a child is worth your time. Additionally, don't fish for lovers where you work...bad idea every time. Because when it ends, and it will, you are left seeing him every day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaASmith Posted November 16, 2014 Author Share Posted November 16, 2014 (edited) You're totally right, I am making excuses because I like this guy so much, he makes me so happy and so I want to believe when he said he'd leave his gf (which was only last week he said that) but when I'm not with him I do feel guilty and jealous. I am confused what he meant about my son bcos he just said it was a big deal but has previously said it is not a problem as has always been aware of my situation. He did say that he is used to a lack of responsibility so would really like having my son in his life on the one hand but on the other it freaks him out, which I said I haven't even asked him to be a part of my sons life as my son is with my husband on weekends. I will definitely not be considering returning to my husband as after spending 2 years with him being repulsed about my body and not wanting to be physically affectionate/intimate with me in anyway, I cannot get past that. I know seeing a guy at work is a mistake, I'm just trying to maintain my resolve of not speaking to him, which would work fine if I didn't have to see him tomorrow. He is adamant he wants to talk in person but I keep refusing as I don't wanna get sucked back in when I'm trying to do the right thing Edited November 16, 2014 by LisaASmith Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Lisa, just stick to your guns. you will only be involved with him if he 1. leaves his gf and 2. is no longer using your kid as an excuse for why he isnt with you. Just my opinion, you just out out of a bad marriage, you have a small child. Take some time to get used to being you and feeling good about that. Adding some guy who is already bringing drama into your life is not good for you or your child. And I'm sorry, you child should come first. This guy is already waving red flags. Does your child need to be around that? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaASmith Posted November 16, 2014 Author Share Posted November 16, 2014 Thank you for the good advice, I have tried really hard this weekend to ignore him even though it is very tempting to unblock his number to hear what he has to say for himself (I'm such a nosy/curious person) but I know that I must not cos since my husband I am not the strong confident woman I used to be who didn't take any s***. My son always comes first, this is why it seems a moot point to me as the other guy (or any guy for that matter) would not be a part of my sons life as my son only lives with me in the week (which is limited time after I finish work) so I am not willing to share that time with anyone unless I lived with a partner (and so would be multiple years down the line anyway) Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Lisa since you are not going back with your husband when do you plan to get a divorce? There is no good reason this man can't be with you. He has a gf not a wife so he is free to break up with her at any time. He is using your son as an excuse to not be with you. Think about this, if he loves you and is no longer in love with his gf why doesn't he move out and break up with her even if you two aren't going to be together? His love for her is gone, right? So why is he still there? Don't listen to his words, watch his actions. Also have you told him that he will not be in your life to be your sons father, that you son already has a good father, that he will be in your life for you? Have you told him this? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 (edited) Words mean nothing. Actions ultimately are what mean something. He's not even married. He could end with a simple phone call. Edited November 16, 2014 by FusionCutter 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaASmith Posted November 16, 2014 Author Share Posted November 16, 2014 I would get a divorce as soon as but 1. I cannot afford it, 2. my husband has said he will not consent to a divorce bcos he is catholic and I do not know if refusing to have a physical relationship with ur spouse is classed as unreasonable behaviour 'legally' (to getb divorced without his consent). You are right, I guess he is still with her bcos a lot of ppl of our generation have a fear of being alone and would rather be in a bad relationship than on their own, which FYI mega pisses me off and is just one reason why I have never considered guys my own age before now. We had skirted around the issue but I had not directly said this to him, so thank you. I have now text him explaining this and that I am giving up on him, I will wait until I go to bed and then if no reply I will re-block him. Ah it is so tough doing the right thing, I am so alone (apart from my baby boy) cos my husband and I moved to a new city before we split and none of our friends will speak to me bcos of him Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Do you work? Have you met any friends through work? And yes I think him not having sex with you is grounds for divorce but check with an attorney. I can't imagine anyone being forced to stay in a marriage where one spouse is withholding sex unless there is a medical reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaASmith Posted November 16, 2014 Author Share Posted November 16, 2014 Yes I work full time, but almost all of my pay is taken up by paying for my son to go to the best nursery in the area. I cannot afford a solicitor bcos of this and bcos my husband chooses not to work/pay child support, he instead goes to University to obtain a Masters in Art. I really enjoy my work, it is great pay and I am really appreciated by my bosses but the industry is men aged 50+ so I cannot meet ppl my own age and where I live is a poor area and the ppl cannot understand my accent (as I am quite well spoken) so I have very little opportunities to meet ppl :| Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 You might want to search the internet for free legal aid in your state. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaASmith Posted November 17, 2014 Author Share Posted November 17, 2014 I blocked the guy on my phone after telling him I was gonna delete his number and give up on us being together. Do u think I should tell him he's blocked or will that open things up again? Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 I blocked the guy on my phone after telling him I was gonna delete his number and give up on us being together. Do u think I should tell him he's blocked or will that open things up again? No. He'll figure it out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaASmith Posted November 17, 2014 Author Share Posted November 17, 2014 Yea you're right, it's just so tempting to unblock him. We have such a good time together at work and he says he wants the ability to speak to me outside of work but I have to keep reminding myself that that means nothing without ACTIONS. I guess every day will be hard Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 Yea you're right, it's just so tempting to unblock him. We have such a good time together at work and he says he wants the ability to speak to me outside of work but I have to keep reminding myself that that means nothing without ACTIONS. I guess every day will be hard Coming out of a bad relationship its so easy to settle for so much less then you deserve. All it takes is for that person to offer up a small portion of what the relationship lacked and your mind will fill in the blanks and cover the flaws. In that case what you've fallen for isn't really the person but the way you feel from getting that one thing being with that person. Having been without those feelings during the relationship one then begins to think it is that person. Truth is, it honestly could have been any number of guys. He himself isn't special, special men don't lead on two women and tell one he questions the future because of her child. What does he expect you to do about that? In other words he is setting the foundation to bolt on you. Good for you for ending it first. Now when it gets hard just remind yourself of that. As these things sink in I'm guessing not only will you not miss this guy, you will be happy he is gone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaASmith Posted November 20, 2014 Author Share Posted November 20, 2014 Weirdly enough, the guys girlfriend actually broke it off with him cos he was too chicken to end it himself! Not sure where that leaves me or what I want if he couldn't even end the relationship himself! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaASmith Posted November 20, 2014 Author Share Posted November 20, 2014 I'm in the uk so unless he's done something wrong we both have to agree to a divorce Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 Or, you don't want to divorce to keep your husband around as a backup. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaASmith Posted November 20, 2014 Author Share Posted November 20, 2014 Ummmm no! Id rather be alone forever and become a crazy cat lady than be with my husband who was an emotional and financial leech Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 I'm in the uk so unless he's done something wrong we both have to agree to a divorce That is simply not true. 1. Adultery 2. Unreasonable behaviour 3. Desertion 4. Two years separation with consent 5. Five years separation without consent Number 2 has been given a wide interpretation in the courts. Unless you plan on marrying next month....number 5 works just as well. Link to post Share on other sites
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