nikki76 Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Tonite, I ended it with the shorter term AP via messaging.. It was out of the blue for him. Ive been considering it for the past month. He was very understanding, which made it easier. Our affair was only 2.5 months. We only met twice. I feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Im still very much involved in my longer AP, which is more of an emotional affair. That will be the difficult one to end. I cant believe I waited so long to end the shorter A. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Nikki, I have to ask what are your intentions? Do you plan to have one affair after another or on top of one another like now, while staying married so you can have more free time by not working to have more time with any number of OM. Do you believe your husband deserves this total disrespect and utter disregaurd? I know your starting to move in the right direction, but your clock is ticking. What happens if hubby finds out and throws you out? Do you have a plan? What would happen with the kids. My questions may seem harsh, but you playing a dangerous game with real painful fallout, and very little chance of ending well. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Tonite, I ended it with the shorter term AP via messaging.. It was out of the blue for him. Ive been considering it for the past month. He was very understanding, which made it easier. Our affair was only 2.5 months. We only met twice. I feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Im still very much involved in my longer AP, which is more of an emotional affair. That will be the difficult one to end. I cant believe I waited so long to end the shorter A. Congrats! Now can you stop making excuses and end the other one? It will be even a huger weight gone. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Do you have a job? Do you have kids? If both are yes, then I am curious how you have time for 2 affairs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 yes tis better to keep the AP with the guy who is friends of hubbys'. Hiding in plain site is so much easier to control. btw- ending these charades will eventually lead you to self effacement, you may not be ready to see the ugly truth... Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted November 16, 2014 Author Share Posted November 16, 2014 Do you have a job? Do you have kids? If both are yes, then I am curious how you have time for 2 affairs. If you must know, no I dont have a job and yes I have three kids. The longer A is just purely texting. We were intimate only three times, June being the last time. The other A....he lived out of state and I only met him twice. I admit, my texting with these guys has gotten in the way of my daily duites as a housewife, among other things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted November 16, 2014 Author Share Posted November 16, 2014 Seriously, what the hell is the point of posting anything on this forum. Isnt this supposed to be for OW/OM that have or are in the same situation. Instead, most people just tear me apart. Yes, I know what im doing is wrong. Obviously I'm not the only one thats a liar and cheat! Ive taken a big step, in my eyes, to get rid of one AP. when im ready, I will end the other A. Link to post Share on other sites
lovinDKT3 Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Seriously, what the hell is the point of posting anything on this forum. Isnt this supposed to be for OW/OM that have or are in the same situation. Instead, most people just tear me apart. Yes, I know what im doing is wrong. Obviously I'm not the only one thats a liar and cheat! Ive taken a big step, in my eyes, to get rid of one AP. when im ready, I will end the other A. Nikki, I think the replies are valid. I was once in your shoes, I thought I was in total control and could end the A and fix my marriage at will. I thought when I was ready I would end it. Then he found out and everything changed. I never put much thought into what would happen if he found out, what little I did it was mostly about how after being together so long he would forgive me. I never thought he would leave and divorce me. In part I was in denial. Believe me, I know how uncomfortable how outsiders view us as wayward wives. I've had some real nasty things said to and about me here. I read people call DKT a fool for giving me a second chance and how I was worth it. The thing is, even if its uncomfortable and makes me feel like crap, I also understand there is some truth or value in the message. For no other reason then to know that after I've done the things I did he could find enough love in his heart to try again. I'm really not sure I would or could have returned the kindness and compassion he has shown me. You getting there, but please understand your not really in control. The longer you maintain contact the more you lose control. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 I'm not going to tear you apart. This is more out of curiosity. Why would you have two AP's in the first place? That seems like a WHOLE lot of work. Even though short-lived, what is it you are gaining from these relationships? Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted November 16, 2014 Author Share Posted November 16, 2014 I'm not going to tear you apart. This is more out of curiosity. Why would you AP's in the first place? That seems like a WHOLE lot of work. Even though short-lived, what is it you are gaining from these relationships? I started the second A when I tried going NC with my first AP. . I was just looking for someone to text with to help me get over the other AP. I never thought I was actually going to meet him, but we did take it the next level. I didnt gain anything. I think it did help me not be so emotionally attached to longer term AP. Im currently in therapy now. To figure out what I'm missing in my marriage to make me have not one but two affairs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Do continue with counseling. My motto is, what you put into therapy is what you get out of it so if you truly want to find "you" again, stick with this no matter how hard it may get. Glad you ended one affair. Hope you get the courage to end the other one soon. Because really, those affairs are going nowhere and you really don't need them other than an ego feed. You have a husband and children that need and depend on you so I wish you strength to push through this and fix what's broken so you can be the woman, wife and mom you're meant to be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Who is tearing you apart? I just don't understand how a wife & mother could risk everything for not 1 but 2 affairs. You think it's not a big deal to have sex with these strangers/friends of your H. That thinking is just selfish and immature in MY eyes. You just wanted someone to text with? Being a wife and mother aren't enough for you, yet your very actions can easily change one of those two things..being a wife...and depending on things, you could end up being a non custodial parent because of your lack of judgment and your willingness to engage in behavior that could label you as an unfit parent...meeting strangers on the internet and having sex with them is a shining example of a person who doesnt show good judgement. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 I think you need to seek support and help in the right places. Having two affairs was never going to solve anything. Counselling could be. Poppy Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 I have to agree- you engage in risky behaviors, take time away from your children to do so, etc.. yet still can figure out how to stop- counseling is your best bet- there is something very broken in you and you are on a collision course with disaster- please get help as quickly as possible and good luck- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cif Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Nikki, im glad youre ending the affairs Out of your own volition as opposed to be being dumped or worse a dday. My earlier advice to you was to end the long term one first since its the harder one. But maybe youre not ready for that yet? Whats your game plan for ending the current affair? Link to post Share on other sites
earlymorningshakes Posted November 16, 2014 Share Posted November 16, 2014 Seriously, what the hell is the point of posting anything on this forum. Isnt this supposed to be for OW/OM that have or are in the same situation. Instead, most people just tear me apart. Yes, I know what im doing is wrong. Obviously I'm not the only one thats a liar and cheat! Ive taken a big step, in my eyes, to get rid of one AP. when im ready, I will end the other A. I could not agree more! Every time I've posted here, I have to go through 10 "attack posts" before actually finding the constructive thoughts and advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 I could not agree more! Every time I've posted here, I have to go through 10 "attack posts" before actually finding the constructive thoughts and advice. All two posts? wow. Yeah this topic and section do seem to draw out some wise opinions. Sadly it takes years for the "other" to come to their senses. Til then, its a lesson of patience til things improve. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 I could not agree more! Every time I've posted here, I have to go through 10 "attack posts" before actually finding the constructive thoughts and advice. I'm fully convinced that people justify bad behavior by the inability to see themselves as a "bad person". I think sometimes here in the cold hard truth can be helpful people that refuse truth about their situation continue to engage in bad behavior. Sometimes we need to hear the "tough love". Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 Substitute the word unhealthy for "bad". The direct and truthful approach is the most painful and difficult to accept, but to begin to truly examine our behaviour and recognize the similarities in these quasi-relationships, we have to open ourselves to viewing them with a critical eye. The intent isn't to attack, but to genuinely expose the affair for what it is. An affair. Indulging in an affair is unhealthy behaviour. It's that simple. And, oh, so f'n complicated. For me, a gentle nudge would have never worked. I needed to be exposed to the reality I refused to see. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 Seriously, what the hell is the point of posting anything on this forum. Isnt this supposed to be for OW/OM that have or are in the same situation. Instead, most people just tear me apart. Yes, I know what im doing is wrong. Obviously I'm not the only one thats a liar and cheat! Ive taken a big step, in my eyes, to get rid of one AP. when im ready, I will end the other A. LT OW here so no tearing you apart from my end. There are different approaches to advice on this forum and that's for you to sort out which ones you find most helpful. Sometimes its the harsh ones that will tug at your heart and will help you gain clarity. Posters here don't know you and are not your friends and given the nature of your situation, I don't believe a lot of people will encourage you down the path of personal destruction. This includes me, I won't rally you on because I know the reality and pain of being an OW. It's good you have ended AP2, I hope you finds the courage and determination to fix what's wrong in yourself and put things right with your H. Link to post Share on other sites
JustJoe Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 Seriously, what the hell is the point of posting anything on this forum. Isnt this supposed to be for OW/OM that have or are in the same situation. Instead, most people just tear me apart. Yes, I know what im doing is wrong. Obviously I'm not the only one thats a liar and cheat! Ive taken a big step, in my eyes, to get rid of one AP. when im ready, I will end the other A.Perhaps because some posters think that you are a narcissist who feeds off of the drama you have created. And also because you show very little, if any remorse, for your betrayal. That would be my guess. Posters would be a lot more sympathetic, if you were a more sympathetic person yourself. Could be? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nikki76 Posted November 17, 2014 Author Share Posted November 17, 2014 Perhaps because some posters think that you are a narcissist who feeds off of you have created. And also because you show very little, if any remorse, for your betrayal. That would be my guess. Posters would be a lot more sympathetic, if you were a more sympathetic person yourself. Could be? Hmm, I've never thought of myself as a narcissist, but you definitely make a valid point. I definitely do feed off the drama and use the attention from these men as an ego boost. Im being honest when i say, i want to bring this up to my therapist. I do find it strange that I feel little guilt. I feel guilty for not feeling guilty. Before I had fhese affairs I looked down on long liars and cheaters, and now im one of them. i dont understand why ive become such a horrible person and I'm hoping with therapy, we can start to fix things that are broken within myself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 Hmm, I've never thought of myself as a narcissist, but you definitely make a valid point. I definitely do feed off the drama and use the attention from these men as an ego boost. Im being honest when i say, i want to bring this up to my therapist. I do find it strange that I feel little guilt. I feel guilty for not feeling guilty. Before I had fhese affairs I looked down on long liars and cheaters, and now im one of them. i dont understand why ive become such a horrible person and I'm hoping with therapy, we can start to fix things that are broken within myself. By the way you wrote that, I'm sure you'll get there. Get better - it's worth it. Don't you want to start living again? I think everyone here wishes you good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
curiousGeorge2 Posted November 17, 2014 Share Posted November 17, 2014 Seriously, what the hell is the point of posting anything on this forum. Isnt this supposed to be for OW/OM that have or are in the same situation. Instead, most people just tear me apart. Yes, I know what im doing is wrong. Obviously I'm not the only one thats a liar and cheat! Ive taken a big step, in my eyes, to get rid of one AP. when im ready, I will end the other A. There seems to be an occupy om/ow forum movement by the moralists. Many of familiar posters do not come anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
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