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Here goes, long story short. Married male, had an affair that lasted years. It ended about 3 years ago. I understood that she wanted to move on. I know it's selfish, and I know I'm wrong, and please spare the whole I'm an A***. I am. She moved on with relative ease, which at first was hard to accept, forgot me completely. I did a ton of work on myself etc., and after 2 long years I came to the point of acceptance. Then out of the blue, I receive a message saying I miss you. We talked, we resumed for 6 months, and then she again moved on to someone else. Again, I understand it, but this time, it's so hard to deal with. I mean, I get it, I do. I'm persona non grata, but to those moving on from an affair, is it really that easy to forget? Also, to those getting over an affair, any advice? This one hit me to the point where I can't function well. I have a highly demanding job and I need some coping strategies. I googled affair fog and that helped, but are there any others?

 

Thank you all.

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She was single, and sorry, I am still not familiar with all the terminology. I get she has to move on. I do. I also left her alone for 2 years so she could do that. But why call me back only to do it again?

 

I haven't told my wife no. There are health issues with certain family members and I'm dealing with those also.

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She was single, and sorry, I am still not familiar with all the terminology. I get she has to move on. I do. I also left her alone for 2 years so she could do that. But why call me back only to do it again?

 

I haven't told my wife no. There are health issues with certain family members and I'm dealing with those also.

 

Why did you engage in an affair? Have you figured out why you did? Being open and honest about why it started could be the key of ending it properly.

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She was single, and sorry, I am still not familiar with all the terminology. I get she has to move on. I do. I also left her alone for 2 years so she could do that. But why call me back only to do it again?

 

I haven't told my wife no. There are health issues with certain family members and I'm dealing with those also.

 

Make your wife and family number one priority over yourself and your needs, focus on figuring out why you cheated and had an affair, fix what's broken inside of you and re invest in your wife. Family is everything - As I'm sure you know since there's some health issues going on. Imagine losing and being cut out of that loop if you cheat again or take up with exOW all over again?

 

Seek some counseling to help you cope.

 

The exOW could have been curious, could be looking for an ego feed, or maybe wanted to have another fling with you. Question is, what do you want?

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You may get a lot of advice focusing on your wife and telling her, just a heads up.

 

I know you had feelings for this woman, but just from your brief description, she sounds like a user. She may have used you as a sounding board, for sex, or just to pass the time.

 

Find someone other than anonymous internet strangers to talk to. A counselor or minister, someone who won't go back to your wife.

 

It is one of the many downsides to an affair, not having anyone to talk to.

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I was the OW for 6 years. I had three long periods of time with MM after breaking up twice.

 

It wasn't easy to move on at all. In fact I didn't until this time. I have had NC for 6 months except when he phoned me once "just to say hello". I told him to stay out of my life.

 

There are no easy answers. I did a couple of counselling sessions with hypnotherapy. The resolution to let go is of great importance. Once you achieve that, the rest will fall into place. You have to regard OW as dead.

 

It will take some time, any amount of time, but keep busy with your normal life.

Put some time into your marriage... you didn't say if you are happy there. Just keep slogging on and it will happen.

 

DO NOT let OW back into your life ever again. If she should contact you, tell her bluntly to stay out of you life.

 

Cheers,

Poppy.

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You shouldn't be asking why on her behalf, the question is why on yours. Why would you enegage with her again, why would you just walk back in to the sh*t storm.

 

To me its pretty clear, between relationships your her pass the time guy. The next guy whom she could have a legit relationship with she took it and left you in the dust.

 

BTW you have absolutely nothing to complain about, after all your married.

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He isn't really complaining... says he is an A... hole himself.

 

I think he's just asking about some strategies to help him move on.

 

Poppy.

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No one wakes up and decides "I'm having an affair today!"

 

I think how you fix this for yourself is you understand why you engaged. Don't expect the OW for closure, that comes from within.

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Here goes, long story short. Married male, had an affair that lasted years. It ended about 3 years ago. I understood that she wanted to move on. I know it's selfish, and I know I'm wrong, and please spare the whole I'm an A***. I am. She moved on with relative ease, which at first was hard to accept, forgot me completely. I did a ton of work on myself etc., and after 2 long years I came to the point of acceptance. Then out of the blue, I receive a message saying I miss you. We talked, we resumed for 6 months, and then she again moved on to someone else. Again, I understand it, but this time, it's so hard to deal with. I mean, I get it, I do. I'm persona non grata, but to those moving on from an affair, is it really that easy to forget? Also, to those getting over an affair, any advice? This one hit me to the point where I can't function well. I have a highly demanding job and I need some coping strategies. I googled affair fog and that helped, but are there any others?

 

Thank you all.

 

The second time breaking up after rekindling was WAY harder for me. It hit me so much harder it tore me to peices for a bit.

I think its because your heart and soul breathed a sigh of relief. That empty void they left was filled again and I wonder if you believed (or at least I did) they couldn't carry on without you either and changed their mind and came back because they're happier with you and realize how much they love and need you and them BAM...gone again and the devastation hits harder.

Take it slow. Tell your family doctor your experiencing anxiety and depression and let him prescribe you something. Make time to cry and face it head on. No way around but through...you have to have pain. It took me 2 months to stop crying. Then months more to stop heavy pain in my heart. Not chest pain...my literal heart would physically ache horribly.

It will pass this time too.

Mine ap came back yet again...yours will too...we cant let them back.

Your gonna be ok. Talk to someone and get some meds to help for work.

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I know you had feelings for this woman, but just from your brief description, she sounds like a user. She may have used you as a sounding board, for sex, or just to pass the time.

 

You got all that from his brief post? He said they were involved for years. Maybe she was using him, etc, just spending years seems a lot to stay with someone for shallow reasons.

 

OP - she may or may not have had an easy time moving on. Funny for me, I wonder how my MM can talk to me everyday but have zero feelings, other than an ego stroke and validation for his low self esteem. I don't use people so it threw me.

 

Anyway, being involved with a MM is a dead-end for most of us. I didn't expect a future, maybe your OW didn't either. Being involved with a MM means our romantic life is on hold - we cant have traditional timelines. I am in love with my MM but I wasted almost a year of my life - and I'm glad I didn't lose more of it for nothing. Being a secret and getting crumbs for years isn't really as glam as you might think :rolleyes:. Your OW didn't date (I presume) available men for YEARS, while you had your married life (happy or not). Feelings are nice but regardless of feelings it is possible your OW just had to break free.

 

You are undergoing a breakup even if it is a third party outside your marriage. Breakups are sad and unpleasant for many of us. Same strategies apply as if you were single and your gf of three years left you. You may mope about and go drinking with the boys more but since you are married all you can really do is trudge through it knowing it will get better. If you can add some sort of physical movement to your day that helps IMO. Or some new great passion or hobby. Or build something. I tend to throw myself into projects and outside activities. I know your schedule must be more limited but if you can add distraction or something physical it might help.

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She wasn't using me when we were together. I agree with that. But the person she left me for the first time didn't treat her all that well and her esteem took a big hit. I care for her obviously, so when she sent the I miss you message, and spoke with her she didn't sound happy or herself or.... It then evolved back. Thankfully (for her at least), her esteem was strengthened and then she moved on with someone else.

 

This really isn't about her, I get that she had to move on etc. I'm surprised how easy it was for her both times, but hey, I am the A**hole in all this, as I mentioned in my first post.

 

I was just looking for some help on overcoming the really debilitating emotions. I guess the answer is that you don't. I guess the answer is that you just have to go through them.

 

Again, thank you all for taking the time to read and comment.

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She wasn't using me when we were together. I agree with that. But the person she left me for the first time didn't treat her all that well and her esteem took a big hit. I care for her obviously, so when she sent the I miss you message, and spoke with her she didn't sound happy or herself or.... It then evolved back. Thankfully (for her at least), her esteem was strengthened and then she moved on with someone else.

 

This really isn't about her, I get that she had to move on etc. I'm surprised how easy it was for her both times, but hey, I am the A**hole in all this, as I mentioned in my first post.

 

I was just looking for some help on overcoming the really debilitating emotions. I guess the answer is that you don't. I guess the answer is that you just have to go through them.

 

Again, thank you all for taking the time to read and comment.

 

Have you figured out what caused you engage in an affair in the first place? Every affair is different and you honestly will never know went on in the OW's mind. Your view is not her view on what happened. There is a certain bias when it comes to these things. I would suggest to focus on your own life and marriage. How's the status of your marriage and your wife?

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Meh, like I said there are health issues along with other issues. But that's where my focus is. I just wish I could pre-empt the whole gut wrenching phase. I mean, I get the whole affair fog concept. It's just difficult and it's not like I can have a scotch with a friend and say .... hey, so there's this woman I'm in love with who isn't my wife and who doesn't love me........lol.

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Meh, like I said there are health issues along with other issues. But that's where my focus is. I just wish I could pre-empt the whole gut wrenching phase. I mean, I get the whole affair fog concept. It's just difficult and it's not like I can have a scotch with a friend and say .... hey, so there's this woman I'm in love with who isn't my wife and who doesn't love me........lol.

 

Have you considered telling your wife?

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Meh, like I said there are health issues along with other issues. But that's where my focus is. I just wish I could pre-empt the whole gut wrenching phase. I mean, I get the whole affair fog concept. It's just difficult and it's not like I can have a scotch with a friend and say .... hey, so there's this woman I'm in love with who isn't my wife and who doesn't love me........lol.

 

Oh yeah, I get that. I am single so I have the luxury at least to stay all day in bed crying if I so chose. I never really thought about the MM having to be in their usual day to day life as if all is normal. That does sound like a real challenge.

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