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Affair with a Married Woman.


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I will try to keep this brief. Reluctantly, I started an affair about 8 month ago with a married woman with a 4 year old child. For me, the chemistry was just overwhelming when we met. I thought I had sensed the same from her. Knowingly that I needed to be careful for myself, I continued, again reluctantly and protected myself as best as I could.

 

After a few weeks and during a casual conversation. , I asked several questions which were as follows

What she happy? --> She replied NO

Was she in love? --> She replied NO

Did she want to stay married? --> She replied NO and

If her husband was the ideal husband tomorrow would she want to make her marriage work? And again she --> She replied NO.

 

 

I tried to be a mature adult with her and one day I stated that our relationship was what was and I just wanted to us to honest with each other in order to avoid game playing. I asked, if our time was about sex. After all, it was not like we were dating or out in public. Now, throughout the affair, she has always contacted me every day either via text or phone. She would say that was her way making an effort. Sometimes she would say, that she finds herself communicating with me way to often. She insinuated she had feelings for me but never stated what those feelings where.

 

Now, according to her, the Husband is a good father, but she is really done. She and the husband don’t have sex, which honestly I can believe, that they are just roommates and there is really no arguing. She has asked him to leave but he refuses. That although she wants the separation, she does not want to be seen as the one who is cheating or the cause of the divorce. That he comes home at 4, 5, 6 in the morning without any explanation and they have been living separated lives with the exception of the child. This has been going on for years.

 

After her husband came in at 7 in the morning last weekend, she has been clearly disturbed. She told me she needed time to sort out her feelings, that she had emotions everywhere that she hoped I would understand. Of course I was bummed, but I also said that I understood and that I was here if she wanted to talk.

 

Why would a woman who is clearly unhappy not purse a divorce?

Do women stay in unhappy Marriages and suffer because of children?

Is she really that confused of her feelings and emotions?

What is it that I am not seeing?

 

Would appreciate comments,any and all.

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1. Why would a woman who is clearly unhappy not purse a divorce?

2. Do women stay in unhappy Marriages and suffer because of children?

3.Is she really that confused of her feelings and emotions?

4. What is it that I am not seeing?

 

The answer all of your questions;

It doesn't matter and its not your problem.

 

 

She's a grown woman who's in control of her own life. You don't need to "fix" any of her problems, as genuine and kind as your intentions are. If she was truly unhappy, the mature solution is to leave. But she isn't leaving. If you truly care about this woman, you leave Her alone to fix her own issues.

 

She doesn't want to leave him to be with you because she doesn't want to leave her situation. It's as simple as that.

Edited by FusionCutter
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FusionCutter,

 

I think you have missed the point of my inquire!, obviously i am leaving her alone., that goes without question!

 

i am merely trying to understand her situation and behavior.

 

I did not say i wanted to her to be with me in the end. Yes, i could go on and pay no mind to any of these things. But then what would that say about me as a person, that is just not me. As a third party, it is easy to be impartial and emotionless, after all, you have only heard a brief summary.

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FusionCutter,

 

I think you have missed the point of my inquire!, obviously i am leaving her alone., that goes without question!

 

i am merely trying to understand her situation and behavior.

 

I did not say i wanted to her to be with me in the end. Yes, i could go on and pay no mind to any of these things. But then what would that say about me as a person, that is just not me. As a third party, it is easy to be impartial and emotionless, after all, you have only heard a brief summary.

 

I didn't mean to come across as brash. But I think the reality is, no one really knows what she's thinking except Her. Her motives, her thinking, everything, only she knows. There could be many reasons. She could have been bored, a coward, wanted to use you, no one will really truly know. Or maybe she truly wanted to leave him.

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I will try to keep this brief. Reluctantly, I started an affair about 8 month ago with a married woman with a 4 year old child. For me, the chemistry was just overwhelming when we met. I thought I had sensed the same from her. Knowingly that I needed to be careful for myself, I continued, again reluctantly and protected myself as best as I could.

 

After a few weeks and during a casual conversation. , I asked several questions which were as follows

What she happy? --> She replied NO

Was she in love? --> She replied NO

Did she want to stay married? --> She replied NO and

If her husband was the ideal husband tomorrow would she want to make her marriage work? And again she --> She replied NO.

 

 

I tried to be a mature adult with her and one day I stated that our relationship was what was and I just wanted to us to honest with each other in order to avoid game playing. I asked, if our time was about sex. After all, it was not like we were dating or out in public. Now, throughout the affair, she has always contacted me every day either via text or phone. She would say that was her way making an effort. Sometimes she would say, that she finds herself communicating with me way to often. She insinuated she had feelings for me but never stated what those feelings where.

 

Now, according to her, the Husband is a good father, but she is really done. She and the husband don’t have sex, which honestly I can believe, that they are just roommates and there is really no arguing. She has asked him to leave but he refuses. That although she wants the separation, she does not want to be seen as the one who is cheating or the cause of the divorce. That he comes home at 4, 5, 6 in the morning without any explanation and they have been living separated lives with the exception of the child. This has been going on for years.

 

After her husband came in at 7 in the morning last weekend, she has been clearly disturbed. She told me she needed time to sort out her feelings, that she had emotions everywhere that she hoped I would understand. Of course I was bummed, but I also said that I understood and that I was here if she wanted to talk.

 

Why would a woman who is clearly unhappy not purse a divorce?

Do women stay in unhappy Marriages and suffer because of children?

Is she really that confused of her feelings and emotions?

What is it that I am not seeing?

 

Would appreciate comments,any and all.

 

Has it ever occurred to you that she's lying to you?

 

If she wanted to divorce, she would. It's that plain and simple.

 

She isn't as unhappy as she's made it out to be. Her marriage more than likely isn't half as bad as she's made it out to be.

 

She could very well pack up a suitcase, take her child and stay with her parents, or kick him out. She hasn't done that. Instead, she's chosen to cheat and have an affair. Not a good way or healthy way of handling life IF her marriage IS that bad.

 

Stay away from her and shield your heart.

 

You can 'date' her in a proper way if she ever becomes single and available. Until then, don't be that guy, the OM in her life, the person she can run to when she needs an ego boost.

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Did you really expect her to answer those questions with different answers?

 

She isn't going to tell the man she is having a affair with that she loves her husband. She isn't going to tell him that she is having sex.

 

It is interesting that her H's alleged late late nights bother her...that means she cares about him. That is your red flag...she is not done.

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curiousGeorge2

 

 

Why would a woman who is clearly unhappy not purse a divorce?

Do women stay in unhappy Marriages and suffer because of children?

Is she really that confused of her feelings and emotions?

What is it that I am not seeing?

 

Would appreciate comments,any and all.

 

 

Two close relatives of mine have marriages that are far worse than the ow's but they did not divorce. The reasons that they did not/has not divorced are mostly related to their children as they believe that staying put is best for the children. So it's possible that ow is telling the truth even though most people here just assume the worst of ow/om.

 

It's also possible that their marriage hit a very bad patch when you met her, but by now it has improved. It's all hard to say.

Edited by curiousGeorge2
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Did you really expect her to answer those questions with different answers?

 

She isn't going to tell the man she is having a affair with that she loves her husband. She isn't going to tell him that she is having sex.

 

It is interesting that her H's alleged late late nights bother her...that means she cares about him. That is your red flag...she is not done.

 

Agreeing with this. If she's ready to divorce, didn't care about him at all, then she actually wouldn't be reacting. In fact, it would be a blessing for him NOT to be around and a relief. Her reaction is telling and also her saying that she needs time to sort out her feelings...? Hope this makes you stop and think.

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Yes an unhappy woman will stay in a relationship for her child/children. A woman will put her feelings aside for the stability of her child. That being said, she's probably lying to you,, was bored in her marriage and got the excitement she needed from you. Now she's distancing herself a bit, probably to end it as he probably did something nice for her and she's feeling guilty. Yes, women do this just as men do, don't invest anything else into this.

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I have pondered many of the issues being discussed and hearing them is very advantageous and refreshing. I know women can devious (No offense to the Women on the forum), as my mother once said to me, “Women are evil little birds”. However, the thought of her lying never occurred to me since I did not think there was a need for it. She could have just said, she is “not getting any” as she did without adding the marital issues. I had asked those specific question at the time to get a general sense of her state and situation as well as ending the affair. I Never had a need for games, however not everyone likes an even playing field! We both knew what we were doing and the situation.

 

I also believe that some people highly believe (I know this will cause a backlash) in the Institution of Marriage and try to stick out as long as possible no matter the consequences, while at the same time have an affair; Ironic isn’t. I also understand there may be a financial aspect preventing her from moving forward. As well as the best interest of the child as curiousGeorge2 and RickFox state.

 

The reasons that they did not/has not divorced are mostly related to their children as they believe that staying put is best for the children. So it's possible that ow is telling

 

Yes an unhappy woman will stay in a relationship for her child/children. A woman will put her feelings aside for the stability of her child.

 

Jellybea89 makes a very interesting point, which I never paid attention to.

 

It is interesting that her H's alleged late late nights bother her...that means she cares about him. That is your red flag...she is not done.

 

I am not sure why I did not see this!

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There are two enormous reasons for her to lie to you.

 

First, women care immensely about their image and how they are viewed by others. She does not want you to see her as some cheating slut (and she doesn't want to think that way about herself either) so she lies to you (and herself) about the severity of her problems in her marriage and her relationship with her husband. In her mind, the worse her home life is the more justifiable her relationship with you is.

 

Second, she wants to limit the amount of guilt you are feeling to try to keep you around and not make things "weird" with you. Would you really stay in this relationship with her if she told you she was in love with her husband, had a dream marriage and everything was great at home?

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There are two enormous reasons for her to lie to you.

 

First, women care immensely about their image and how they are viewed by others. She does not want you to see her as some cheating slut (and she doesn't want to think that way about herself either) so she lies to you (and herself) about the severity of her problems in her marriage and her relationship with her husband. In her mind, the worse her home life is the more justifiable her relationship with you is.

 

Second, she wants to limit the amount of guilt you are feeling to try to keep you around and not make things "weird" with you. Would you really stay in this relationship with her if she told you she was in love with her husband, had a dream marriage and everything was great at home?

 

Exactly. The reason to lie is to preserve the image. There's a certain amount of respect that could be had if the person cheating was like "look, I'm never leaving my husband/wife. Do you want to proceed? "

 

That kind of open honesty, this establish the boundaries for the people involved in the cheating. What hurts the OW/OM is the total lack of information, and there's some for just kept waiting eternally, hoping something will change. They don't think that it's quite possible that the person that they are in love with is a huge liar and a cheat and a betrayer to them in addition to their Spouse It's just is unfathomable to the OW/OM. However one has to look in the context that if they're willing to lie daily and betray daily their spouse, someone who they've known for years, there is no logical reason that some new person on the block will be told the truth. It's a fundamental exercise and looking into their character, and that's something that OW/OM fail to do. So desperately want to believe that the person they're in love with is a good person, that they justify or even defend the circumstances they are in is the reason of their behavior and cannot leave is because of extraneous circumstances such as - kids, psycho spouse, being homeless, no money, etc.- Afterall, Who wants to believe that the person they've chosen to love with a hurtful monster, a vile person?

 

However, once they painfully realize that it's not a product of the circumstances, but rather, the very nature of the selfish,evil character that is causing this painful situation for both the BS and themselves, it's often a very difficult thing to accept and very heartbreaking for most.

Edited by FusionCutter
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Never really considered these from Be_Strong!

 

First, women care immensely about their image and how they are viewed by others.

Second, she wants to limit the amount of guilt you are feeling to try to keep you around and not make things "weird" with you.

______________________

 

Exactly. The reason to lie is to preserve the image. There's a certain amount of respect that could be had if the person cheating was like "look, I'm never leaving my husband/wife. Do you want to proceed? "

 

That kind of open honesty, this establish the boundaries for the people involved in the cheating. What hurts the OW/OM is the total lack of information, and there's some for just kept waiting eternally, hoping something will change.

 

WOW ! – I Can resonate with this! On so many levels. For one this is my disappointment! Lack of information. Second. Many years ago I had a 5 to 6 year affair with MW. She told me exactly what you just said.

 

"look, I'm never leaving my husband/wife. Do you want to proceed? "

 

I had always respected her and the relationship was beneficial to us both! Other than sexual. It was also established the trust of open honesty. While knowing, we were never going to be together, we also became friends.

 

Had this occurred here, I think it would have been totally different!

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Wow, this is the second time that you've engaged with a married woman? You don't learn your lesson do you? In the end you're only hurting yourself.

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Wow, this is the second time that you've engaged with a married woman? You don't learn your lesson do you? In the end you're only hurting yourself.

 

True! it is not like i go looking for this believe it or not.

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