A married woman loves me and I her

[topgun90]

Hello everyone, I will try not to bore anyone with complete details of my situation; however, I will explain what it is and what I did about it. I believe I did the right thing, and am just hoping for your opinion and maybe encouragement.

 

 

the woman whom I am now in love with and I are somewhat neighbors (we live on the same block) and have known of eachother for a couple of years. She is recently married (2 years) and we didn't start talking until May and that just blossomed. The last time I had been in love with a woman was 13 years ago. After talking, we both realized how much we were attracted to eachother and how we always thought the same feelings/emotions at the same exact time. I am talking about things like we would email or text eachother the minute we were thinking about one another or she would bring up something that I was thinking. Anyhow, all we have ever done was a few lunch dates, texts/emails, a few phone calls and some passionate kissing and groping at the gym.

 

 

We have established that we are both madly in love with one another. She has admitted that she believes she married the wrong guy and she loves him but is not in love with him nor does she love him enough to be with him forever. She is afraid of what it will to do him and to her kids (his step kids) to break the family apart again.

 

 

After months of being the other guy, hearing her true feelings yet not getting anything out of it, I decided to make a stand. We were suppose to get together this weekend which would have been our first night alone together. I decided that would make it worse at least for me meaning - after we make our bond much stronger and get closer, I would still walk away feeling hurt that I could not see her.

 

 

I told her it was a bad idea and that I did not want to hurt and be frustrated anymore. I told her how much I loved her and I wanted to be with her but I can't until she is single. It made her cry and even angry over the last few days; however, she still texts me and tell me she misses me. I respond but I am careful in what I say. I am kind of hoping she moves this along and either makes it work or leaves him. As stated earlier, I know I did the right thing and I even believe we are meant for eachother, I just wish there was a way I could feel better about it. I have my own beleifs about God and people he brings into our lives. I feel he brought us to eachother. I just hope its for the reason of us being together.

 

 

What do you all think? I know I got myself into this mess and I know I did the right thing. But, how should I not drive myself crazy? What are pros and cons of this?

 

 

Thank you for your time.

[Goodbye]

Well, the good news for you is that married women are more likely than married men to leave their marriages when in love with another.

 

 

Sounds like you've reached the end of your stint as OM, and have issued your ultimatum. It would be in your best interest, so not to fall back into the affair without your needs med, to cut contact with her while you wait to see what she does. Let her know you are going to go NC, work on your own life, and she can contact you when she is out of her marriage.

 

 

It isn't easy. I wish you the best.

[FusionCutter]

If she truly loves you, she will find a way to you. You've made your case. Whatever happened in the past happened the way it did. Best to put your hands in your own pockets and care for yourself. If you continue to engage, that's not a true sign of compassionate love.

[Be_Strong]

You are doing the right thing. If you don't force her to make a choice, she never would choose--she'd simply keep both of you and that would lead to immeasurable pain for everyone involved.

[whichwayisup]

She has admitted that she believes she married the wrong guy and she loves him but is not in love with him nor does she love him enough to be with him forever. She is afraid of what it will to do him and to her kids (his step kids) to break the family apart again.

 

How old are her children? And, how did she and her current husband meet? Did they get together as a result of an affair or did they date first, then marry? Just wondering if there's a pattern there.

 

So, she feels she isn't in love with him, never was and married the wrong man? If this true, then she needs to divorce him and stop wasting his time and her time, divorce as quickly as possible. Or, is she rewriting history, and meeting you has confused her and she still does love him but is too emotionally involved/attached to you? She certainly can't jump out of a marriage and start a new relationship with you so fast, it's unfair to her kids and also to you. She should be on her own for a while.

[AlwaysGrowing]

It was wise to step back and see the pitfalls if the end goal is not attainable...and even if it is....is it wise to become involved in an affair.

I would caution over continued contact...doesn't really sound like you need another friend.

 

I would also caution over believing God wanted you together. How would one know if it just wasn't a test of Faith?

[anika99]

Why would God want to put her husband and children through the turmoil of an affair and divorce? If God meant for you to be together you would think he would have arranged it BEFORE she got married. Sorry I don't think God smiles upon affairs and divorces or enjoys seeing families broken up and kids hurt.

[CarrieT]

If she will cheat ON you, she will cheat WITH you.

 

Do you want a long-term relationship with someone who can so flippantly throw away two-year old marriage vows?

 

I'm willing to bet she's fairly young (mid-20s?)...

[topgun90]

Hello everyone and thank you for your responses/opinions. To answer some questions - her kids are 12 and 8. Yes she met her current husband when he was still married; however, they did not complete the affair by having sex. It was more of an emotional affair which I know counts. Apparently he left his wife at the time for her.

 

 

She is in her late 30's. I understand both aspects of faith; however, I know God brings people into our lives as well as brining us into others' lives. I feel deep down that it was for more than just a simple test of faith; however, I could be wrong.

 

 

Has anyone (new readers or existing opinionaters - like that one) have any experience with this or know anyone who did and had a positive outcome?

[FusionCutter]

Hello everyone and thank you for your responses/opinions. To answer some questions - her kids are 12 and 8. Yes she met her current husband when he was still married; however, they did not complete the affair by having sex. It was more of an emotional affair which I know counts. Apparently he left his wife at the time for her.

 

 

She is in her late 30's. I understand both aspects of faith; however, I know God brings people into our lives as well as brining us into others' lives. I feel deep down that it was for more than just a simple test of faith; however, I could be wrong.

 

 

Has anyone (new readers or existing opinionaters - like that one) have any experience with this or know anyone who did and had a positive outcome?

 

Wow. Thanks for sharing this. Isn't this kind of a red flag? She broke up someone's marriage and now wants to leave for you?

[AlwaysGrowing]

Hello everyone and thank you for your responses/opinions. To answer some questions - her kids are 12 and 8. Yes she met her current husband when he was still married; however, they did not complete the affair by having sex. It was more of an emotional affair which I know counts. Apparently he left his wife at the time for her.

 

 

She is in her late 30's. I understand both aspects of faith; however, I know God brings people into our lives as well as brining us into others' lives. I feel deep down that it was for more than just a simple test of faith; however, I could be wrong.

 

 

Has anyone (new readers or existing opinionaters - like that one) have any experience with this or know anyone who did and had a positive outcome?

 

 

Let's see....where or where might I have read a similar story before????

 

 

OH YEAH...I REMEMBER!!!!!!

 

In your own POST!!!!!

 

It didn't work out so well for the man in your story.

Edited November 13, 2014 by AlwaysGrowing

[Ruffian1]

I have my own beleifs about God and people he brings into our lives. I feel he brought us to each other.

AYFKM? God does not lead a MW to commit adultery or a single guy to do it with her. That is rationalization and many adulterous Christians play this card, along with demonizing the BS to justify and assuage their own feeling of knowing it wrong. Good luck with that.

 

 

The fact that she was with him but did not have sex while he was still married is still an A. (Do you really think she would admit she was having sex with a married man anyway :rolleyes

[GoBlue]

In my mind you did the right thing by not spending the evening with her. It would also be the right thing to cut off all contact and stop the process of intimacy all together - she is a married woman. I would also ask you to re-think your definition of love. Attraction, infatuation, and sexual stimulation is not love. Commitment is what love is really all about. Not to discount the need for attraction because it is absolutely necessary, but feelings ebb and flow in any relationship and do you really want to be with someone who is willing to cheat on their husband? Why wouldn't she do the same to you? I truly believe that any couple that is married can reignite the flames of passion if they want to. An affair, however, is a betrayal that hurts like nothing else. Do you really want to be that guy?

[topgun90]

Hello everyone,

 

 

I know my situation makes some sick but it's mine to deal with. Instead of telling me what an idiot I am and being sarcastic, if it's dumb then just say so. I know this is a mess but I am trying to make the best of it. None of you know her or me or the entire situation - that would take pages and pages so please, go easy. You can still get your point across but be respectful about it.

 

 

Just to answer some questions:

 

 

We have been seeing eachother - if you will- for 6-8 months so it's not like these are brand new feelings. Call me a pussy but I don't want to cut off contact completely - meaning I still want to be her friend and be there when she needs me but I have stopped telling her my feelings and I don't respond to her texts telling me she misses me and such. I figured just sit back and see what she does from here. Now is the worst time to split and divorce because of the holidays bu tway I see it is this: I am trying to move back to my home town which is far from here. Until that happens, I'll do what I am doing now and when that time comes and nothing has happened - then I know.

[Lurkeraspect]

Hello everyone,

 

 

I know my situation makes some sick but it's mine to deal with. Instead of telling me what an idiot I am and being sarcastic, if it's dumb then just say so. I know this is a mess but I am trying to make the best of it. None of you know her or me or the entire situation - that would take pages and pages so please, go easy. You can still get your point across but be respectful about it.

 

 

Just to answer some questions:

 

 

We have been seeing eachother - if you will- for 6-8 months so it's not like these are brand new feelings. Call me a pussy but I don't want to cut off contact completely - meaning I still want to be her friend and be there when she needs me but I have stopped telling her my feelings and I don't respond to her texts telling me she misses me and such. I figured just sit back and see what she does from here. Now is the worst time to split and divorce because of the holidays bu tway I see it is this: I am trying to move back to my home town which is far from here. Until that happens, I'll do what I am doing now and when that time comes and nothing has happened - then I know.

 

Forgive me if I missed it, but has she specifically stated that she is going to divorce or even thinking in that direction? Best I can tell, that's what YOU (understandably) want. And holidays aside, there is never a great time to break up a family and once again uproot her kids. She sounds extremely high risk for any sort of (lasting, committed) relationship partner, based on her past with cheating, and her cheating now in a very young marriage. You are signing up to be her next victim as her track record isn't great.

 

What's so wonderful about her that you're willing to participate in deceiving another man, for a big maybe?

Edited November 13, 2014 by Lurkeraspect

[topgun90]

Hello everyone,

 

 

You're all gonna hate me but this is just an update: So she calls me last night and tells me something is wrong and she wanted to come over. I hesitated but then gave in. She came over and told me basically that she told her husband that she couldn't take being treated so badly or allow him to treat her and her family badly anymore. He packed up his things and left. I wanted to be the friend and friend only - nothing more. So I just listened until she was done.

 

 

She ended up staying the night; however, we didn't do anything. But when she left, I was still kind of confused on what that meant for us although I did not think it was the right time to ask because she was already going through a bad day. So later this evening, she tells me that they are going to get together tomorrow and go over the do's and dont's.

 

 

I don't think I necessarily made a mistake by allowing her to come over but I found no harm and letting her spend the night. But I am thinking that if they agree to work things out and make up, I'm either gonna back off completely or call it a day myself.

[whichwayisup]

Hello everyone and thank you for your responses/opinions. To answer some questions - her kids are 12 and 8. Yes she met her current husband when he was still married; however, they did not complete the affair by having sex. It was more of an emotional affair which I know counts. Apparently he left his wife at the time for her.

 

experience with this or know anyone who did and had a positive outcome?

So she isn't new to the dynamic and power of an affair, ironic that she is cheating on him with you - This is a red flag, that dynamic of an affair turned into a real relationship/marriage is hard unless there's counseling involved and each person decides not to go down that road again. She chose to do it to her H, I'm sure he feels like an idiot now, leaving his wife for OW, and now she leaves him possibly for you.

 

 

Hello everyone,

 

 

You're all gonna hate me but this is just an update: So she calls me last night and tells me something is wrong and she wanted to come over. I hesitated but then gave in. She came over and told me basically that she told her husband that she couldn't take being treated so badly or allow him to treat her and her family badly anymore. He packed up his things and left. I wanted to be the friend and friend only - nothing more. So I just listened until she was done.

 

 

She ended up staying the night; however, we didn't do anything. But when she left, I was still kind of confused on what that meant for us although I did not think it was the right time to ask because she was already going through a bad day. So later this evening, she tells me that they are going to get together tomorrow and go over the do's and dont's.

 

 

I don't think I necessarily made a mistake by allowing her to come over but I found no harm and letting her spend the night. But I am thinking that if they agree to work things out and make up, I'm either gonna back off completely or call it a day myself.

 

Where were their kids? Did he take them with him? Anyway, you live close so you can verify if he did leave/move out. Time will tell if it was just for one night or if this is long term.

 

You do need to back off. There are kids involved and you shouldn't BE one of the reasons she ends her marriage. They must give it their best shot for their kids sake.

[topgun90]

Ok here is a question. She told me she wanted to spend time with me almost as a glimpse to see what life would be like to have time with me. I told her that, "To see what it's like to be with me, you're gonna have to actually be with me - no free rides, take a leap of faith because the only way that's happening is when your available to".

 

 

I am hoping I was right by saying this.

[AlphaC]

Ok here is a question. She told me she wanted to spend time with me almost as a glimpse to see what life would be like to have time with me. I told her that, "To see what it's like to be with me, you're gonna have to actually be with me - no free rides, take a leap of faith because the only way that's happening is when your available to".

 

 

I am hoping I was right by saying this.

 

Topgun, the quote about God wanting you two together had to be the most foolish/idiotic statement ever written on loveshack.org

 

Listen topgun, 1st things first, as a man you should be a leader and have integrity. Why are you messing around with a married woman? There are tons of single woman in this world!

 

She is hooking up with you due to convenience, you live down the block and she needs a sucker who has no other options to take her in, and protect her, until she gets over her current husband.

 

This married woman is the leader in your so-called "relationship." She has her husband and she has you! She has her husband in bed and you on the side lines waiting for her crumbs.

 

Dude you have a lot of nerves telling her to pick you or him, that is laughable, the woman is marrrriiiiiiedd!!!! How old are you? Do you understand all that is involved with a divorce when there are kids involved?? Are you really that desperate to go through all this for a cheating woman with kids??

 

My advice to you, run, move out of the block, this is no way to start a relationship, I spoke to God a few minutes ago and he told me to relay that to you.

 

Peace

[AlphaC]

Topgun,

 

About 10 years ago after I finished grad school I moved to a certain state in the union. One night I was out with my friends and met this really cute woman, she had a smoking body, green eyes, long hair and her eyes were locked on me. She was out with some female friends, girls night out if you will. I approached, danced with her, convo ensued, tongue kissing was next. At the end of the night we exchanged numbers and about two weeks later we met for coffee at Starbucks.

 

This woman had her eyes on me like an Eagle on a snake. Anyway... she told me she lived with a roommate - I was like cool. After coffee we parted ways, on our next meeting she tells me this roommate of hers is a man. I asked her if that was her boyfriend and she said "no". On the third date she came to my house and it was like peaches and cream for the better part of the afternoon. Afterwards she confesses that she is married. She tells me that she wants to divorce her man because he is a laborer and she has a white collar job, etc. She also adopted a child on her own. The reason, according to her, was that her husband was sterile and she wanted for a long time to leave him, BUT, she didn't leave him yet!

 

The reason she hadn't left him was because she was looking for a life raft to comfort her during the depression that normally follows a divorce. She also wanted to bring someone in to make her feel "special" blah blah blah.

 

Now I will be honest, this woman was super hot. She was so hot that my neighbors used to see her come to my house looking like was going to a club and leaving like she was just in a washing machine, yes we had lots of steamy bumping and grinding sessions. I felt bad for her husband but I didn't know him, I never saw him and she never even brought him up.

 

However, I had a lot of girls at that time (options) and I could never be with this woman immediately after her divorce because I didn't need that unnecessary drama. Not only would I never trust her but women are so twisted that they will lose trust for you because you slept with a married woman (her).

 

Long story short, I cut her off before she filed her divorce papers, she cried and said we were meant for each other. She chased me for a few months and one day, about 6 months later, I ran into her at a club and she had a new boyfriend, she didn't even acknowledge me, I then felt sorry for her boyfriend. A year later she was married to another guy, not her then boyfriend, go figure.

 

Moral of the story is this, "the way a relationship starts is the way it ends." In your case it will be cheating.

 

Peace

[topgun90]

Ok, last question,

 

 

With all said and done, how do I know if she is getting ready to leave hum for me per se? What are signs?

[333unsure]

Moral of the story is this, "the way a relationship starts is the way it ends." In your case it will be cheating.

 

This story is nonsensical and the supposed moral does not line up with the tale. The relationship started with her cheating on her husband with you. It ended with you dropping her because you didn't want to have to deal with her while she was getting divorced. After you broke up with her, she found someone else, and it didn't work out with him, but then she found another relationship that did work out and she actually got divorced and remarried.

 

I don't see how that relationship in any way ended the way it started. Sounds like she loved you, had decided to divorce her husband and quite possibly would have married you if you'd stood by her.

 

OP, hard to tell if she is going to leave. I would be most concerned with whether she is being upfront/honest with you and whether she follows through on things she says she is going to do, when she says she's going to do them.