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It was hard, but I came clean


Islandwhitewave

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Islandwhitewave

If any of you remember my first post, you'll remember that I was on that cliff, about to take the dive.... Things got even more heated.

 

The 2008 porn addiction that nearly destroyed my marriage (it was very bad) was during a time when I went through multiple surgeries and my husband had rejected me and it was a difficult time in our marriage. He had been so sorry and so remorseful. I held it over his head for years. The other man and I became close and took my husbands side. Slapped me upside the head (figuratively) and told me it's time to let it go. I'm sorry if this is all confusing.

 

Read my previous post for this to make sense.

 

Anyway... The other man basically healed a lot of hurts, made me feel like a desirable woman again. We took things too far (no sex, just kissing)

But I came clean with my husband last night.

 

My husband had a feeling things were going on between us. He saw the positive changes in me, wearing makeup again, getting frisky more with him, having more confidence, etc.

 

I'm not saying what happened is justified or ok. My husband is hurt and I see it. I told the other man that I opened up to my husband. It all hurts but I choose my husband. The other man, I care about him, but my husband is everything. I feel foolish and humbled. I have a therapy appointment next week. I have deep wounds from my husbands rejection of my in the past, the fact that cancer and the surgeries have left scars... I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense.

 

I opened up to my husband and so glad I did. We can move forward from here. I feel bad that I used the other man and hurt him in the process. It's a mess.

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Your experience shows that good things can happen when someone is remorseful about a mistake and confesses without being caught . Your scenario would have been different had to progressed to a full blown sexual affair and concealed it and been caught.

You did the right thing and got rewarded. And your husband is lucky he just got what he got rather than months and years of lying and deceit like many get.

Good for you and good luck

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Islandwhitewave
Your experience shows that good things can happen when someone is remorseful about a mistake and confesses without being caught . Your scenario would have been different had to progressed to a full blown sexual affair and concealed it and been caught.

You did the right thing and got rewarded. And your husband is lucky he just got what he got rather than months and years of lying and deceit like many get.

Good for you and good luck

 

I just blurted it out.... This man, through all that we've been through... Even though I cared for the other man and things had gotten more heated..... Hurts has been healed by this other man, I don't know... It's still so very confusing. And it's why I'm going into therapy.

 

My husband has been hurt, but it's just not in him to lash out and rage at me or his friend... And that would've been a perfectly understandable response!!! Instead he turned it into a positive which humbled me even more.

 

I'm truly blessed with such an honorable man. And I hurt him. Now we just pick up the pieces. The other man , I still speak to him, but more as a friend and I keep it open to my husband. It's all open to him.

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I just blurted it out.... This man, through all that we've been through... Even though I cared for the other man and things had gotten more heated..... Hurts has been healed by this other man, I don't know... It's still so very confusing. And it's why I'm going into therapy.

 

My husband has been hurt, but it's just not in him to lash out and rage at me or his friend... And that would've been a perfectly understandable response!!! Instead he turned it into a positive which humbled me even more.

 

I'm truly blessed with such an honorable man. And I hurt him. Now we just pick up the pieces. The other man , I still speak to him, but more as a friend and I keep it open to my husband. It's all open to him.

 

Open with him doesn't mean your not continuing to hurt him.

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GirlStillStrong

Good for you for taking the first step toward living an honest, authentic life! People will be hurt, of course, but in the long run, the truth is the better answer. I'm glad this OM came into your life to provide some much-needed balance, especially after all the medical issues you went through! I hope everyone involved can make peace with what happened and move forward in life. There's so much more to life than getting bogged down in an affair :)

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gettingstronger

Please read the pinned post in the Infidelity forum- what every WS should know- that will help you understand your husband better-I am glad that the initial reaction from him was better than expected, but please be prepared if he swings the other direction-

 

Sounds like you made a tough call and I commend you for that-

 

I hope you are in therapy or will at least consider it- sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now and professional help, well, it helps-

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Island, as a fellow cancer survivor, I can understand how it messes with your perspective and emotions. To not have your husband there for you at a time of true crisis in your life had to be heartbreaking.

 

I'm not on here much and I will have to go read your other thread for more background.

 

FWIW though, I'm glad you didn't embark on an affair. Besides the obvious immorality of it, you have been through enough with your diagnosis. You would not have needed the additional complications brought about by the emotions and complications that an affair would have brought to your life.

 

I wish you well in your continued good health and for forgiveness (On both sides- you and your husband) and an eventual moving forward from the hurts of the past. As you might well know, life is short and unpredictable. Make healthy decisions and move forward!

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Islandwhitewave
Open with him doesn't mean your not continuing to hurt him.

 

You're right.. And you know, he won't actually tell me to stop. He'll trust me to come to the decision on my own.

 

I'll talk to him. Ask him to see where he wants to go. Ultimately, I'll do what is right for my marriage. I love him and I choose him. I know I was stupid and I put everyone in an awkward crazy mess. I hurt him.

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Islandwhitewave
Please read the pinned post in the Infidelity forum- what every WS should know- that will help you understand your husband better-I am glad that the initial reaction from him was better than expected, but please be prepared if he swings the other direction-

 

Sounds like you made a tough call and I commend you for that-

 

I hope you are in therapy or will at least consider it- sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now and professional help, well, it helps-

 

I'm waiting for it. He's too positive about it. I'm a behavioral health specialist and I know hell have ups and downs. I hurt him. He said he felt like this almost needed to happen. I could go into the lengthy details of that, but it's just a lot of hurt and stuff in our marriage that we should've worked on long ago. It was broken. We love each other. I have therapy scheduled for next week. We will be going for couples therapy as well. We are both in this for forever. At least I hope he doesn't swing , but he may have other feelings come up. I'm expecting it. And I understand it. It's understand it. He has every right to be angry, hurt, etc.

 

I do need therapy. I have a lot of medical issues. I go in for a mammo tomorrow to find out if cancer is back in the other breast. We need all our fighting power if it is. I've been sorely humbled by this mans grace.

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Islandwhitewave
Good for you for taking the first step toward living an honest, authentic life! People will be hurt, of course, but in the long run, the truth is the better answer. I'm glad this OM came into your life to provide some much-needed balance, especially after all the medical issues you went through! I hope everyone involved can make peace with what happened and move forward in life. There's so much more to life than getting bogged down in an affair :)

 

I know people see him as the shallow boyfriend, in truth is, he healed some wounds, he told me that I needed to stop holding my husbands mistakes over his head and get over it. This was when we were just friends, before the flirting had started. If it comes down to it though I will choose my husband over him. Although I care for him and he helped me see myself as a desirable woman again... We never had sex.. But things were quickly heading that way... I stopped it though. We've just kissed, and I couldn't go on any further. I felt there was more value to our relationship as friends than what it had become. But we can't exactly be friends because were attracted to each other so what do we do? I'm confused, sorry. I will of course out my husbands needs and wants first.

 

I want him to feel comfortable and that he can feel free from this.

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You're right.. And you know, he won't actually tell me to stop. He'll trust me to come to the decision on my own.

 

I'll talk to him. Ask him to see where he wants to go. Ultimately, I'll do what is right for my marriage. I love him and I choose him. I know I was stupid and I put everyone in an awkward crazy mess. I hurt him.

 

Come to the decision to cut the OM out of your life on your own. Don't make your H tell you to do it. It is up to you to show him you are serious about repairing your marriage.

 

Whatever issues there are in your marriage, you are 50% responsible for them. Please don't try to justify your mistake by saying your H wasn't there for you. He may not have known HOW to help you. Women seem to think men are mind reades. They are not. Communication is key for every marriage. Men tend to shut down when they see their wife hurting and they can't fix it. Did he not react well? Yes. 100%. But he probably had no idea how to help you, what to say. He knew he couldn't fix it. So many men turn tail and run at the first sight of issues...this man didn't do that. Love him. Work with him. Love yourself. And cut all contact with the OM. If you don't, you are telling your H with your actions that this man is more important than your marriage.

 

I'm really glad you told your H. Good choice and I hope you two can rebuild your marriage and make it even stronger.

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Islandwhitewave
Come to the decision to cut the OM out of your life on your own. Don't make your H tell you to do it. It is up to you to show him you are serious about repairing your marriage.

 

Whatever issues there are in your marriage, you are 50% responsible for them. Please don't try to justify your mistake by saying your H wasn't there for you. He may not have known HOW to help you. Women seem to think men are mind reades. They are not. Communication is key for every marriage. Men tend to shut down when they see their wife hurting and they can't fix it. Did he not react well? Yes. 100%. But he probably had no idea how to help you, what to say. He knew he couldn't fix it. So many men turn tail and run at the first sight of issues...this man didn't do that. Love him. Work with him. Love yourself. And cut all contact with the OM. If you don't, you are telling your H with your actions that this man is more important than your marriage.

 

I'm really glad you told your H. Good choice and I hope you two can rebuild your marriage and make it even stronger.

 

Marriage is a partnership. I want my partner to be open with me and share his thoughts and concerns. That's important to me. Not to just say "ok I'm just going to do it " without hearing any of his thoughts on the subject. That's not communication.

 

I've already admitted to my end of our issues, but in 2008 - his addiction and his failings were that he was too proud to reach out for support while we were going through such difficult times. I was so sick. He was so afraid to put anything more on me. So he pushed me away as a woman and was my caregiver. I tried so many times to get him to open up. He turned to porn as his comfort. It was such a difficult year for year. I carried such anger towards him for that, he gave me care but didn't see me as a woman.

 

It took me so long to stop beating him over the head with it. And I regret it. It took that OM to get me stop. Another man told me to knock it off. These two men are / were friends. He told me to stop holding into this anger and this feeling that I was hideous.

 

I want to communicate everything with my husband. I am working with him. Really. I'm trying to convey that. I am at his whim. This other man was our friend in the beginning. They have an office together. They are at this very moment changing a C17 tire together. They are in the same squadron. Even if I cut contact, that's not the end of it. They are friends still. I'm still not sure how proceed. Do they heal from this?

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Islandwhitewave
Island, as a fellow cancer survivor, I can understand how it messes with your perspective and emotions. To not have your husband there for you at a time of true crisis in your life had to be heartbreaking.

 

I'm not on here much and I will have to go read your other thread for more background.

 

FWIW though, I'm glad you didn't embark on an affair. Besides the obvious immorality of it, you have been through enough with your diagnosis. You would not have needed the additional complications brought about by the emotions and complications that an affair would have brought to your life.

 

I wish you well in your continued good health and for forgiveness (On both sides- you and your husband) and an eventual moving forward from the hurts of the past. As you might well know, life is short and unpredictable. Make healthy decisions and move forward!

 

Thank you for your insight. As another survivor, it's difficult to understand for others to understand this perspective.

 

The one moment that sticks out to me is this one, I had a severe infection after I had a DIEP flap surgery done at Johns Hopkins , not sure if I shared this before in the other thread. The infection was so bad I had to be admitted. He had the kids and had to take them home which was two hours away from the hospital. I was in awful pain in the icu and I homesick. I was lucid enough that I was able to be on the phone with him.

He was in ALS (airmen leadership school) at the time. I was crying how badly I was in pain and how much I wanted him there with me. He coldly told me he had to go and get work done.

 

When I recovered enough, I knew... I checked his computer. He had been downloading porn. I had also found out that the drs told him that night "if she makes it through the night" ...... We had NO help in Dover AFB... Once we got stationed there, I was diagnosed. No friends, my family was spread around the country. It was such a hard time. He had such hard time reaching out for help.

 

That moment created a wound so deep... Knowing that it could've been my last night.... And he coldly cut me off and buried his pain in porn.... It devastated me.

 

Anyway... We are making positive steps. I'm doing my best. I really am. He made a mistake then. I made a huge mistake now. I just want us to heal.

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You cannot be friends with a man that you were very close to having sex with and are attracted to. Your husband is either in shock or just not thinking straight if he has not communicated that to you .

You made a big mistake, you corrected it with a good choices. Now you are setting up a situation where you will find yourself back where you started in no time.

You kissed, that is PA. You cannot stay friends with EA or PA partners and expect your marriage to survive.

I am sure there will be someone out there who will say it works. If you keep reading these forums you will see the odds are not in your favor of you stay " just friends"make another good choice and cut the man out of your life.

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Your H comes first now, so you need to let go of the exOM and end the friendship completely. Your H needs to feel that your focus is only on him, not exOM. Keeping any sort of friendship or contact with him is self serving and very unfair to your H.

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tobrieornottobrie

I know that you mentioned that you are going to therapy individually, have you and your husband considered some marital counseling or couple's therapy? It may be helpful for you both to sit down with a professional. Just a thought. I hope that it gets better for you.

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

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Thinking you can stay friends with this guy is flawed. You have an issue with porn, it would be like him saying, ill just watch softcore (althrough your A is on a different level). It doesn't help in the healing process.

 

I've been knee deep in trying to understand unfaithful wives for the better part of a decade. Your wanting to stay friends is more likely your attempt to maintain the source of ego stroking and instant validation. There is a romantic investment, an emotional investment you know as well as I do your intentions are less the honorable towards your husband and marriage. Be honest, if your husband was in this position would you be ok with him remaining friends with his affair partner? Judging about how you allowed porn to create such a wedge I'm guessing your anger would move the planet.

 

You can't expect more then your willing to give.

 

It has to all end with this MM, no more going back for ego boosts. Doing so will always pull you away from focusing on your marriage.

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IWW,

 

I'm glad that you confessed. Unfortunately, your view of this whole affair is so skewed. You repeatedly say that this other man "healed you" or whatever phrase that you used. He made you feel desirable again, etc. Very gently, let me say this. He did not heal you. He used you.

 

He took advantage of your vulnerabilities. A few comments, some attention, declarations of affection and boom, making out with a man who is not your husband. Believe me when I say this. I'm not saying that you are not desirable, I am saying that this "healer" is just a predator.

 

Get over the fantasy of being healed. You may have benefited, but that was a by product and not the goal. Besides, how can you say that what healed you was a little poison for your husband? It cannot be both. Sorry, and I say this gently as possible.

 

As to the porn. Truth be told, no woman can compete with it. It has been shown to affect the brain. Endorphins pump like crazy. Immediate physical pleasure (if he self pleasured) while watching. Look it up, lots of guys can't even keep it up with a real woman because she can't compete with porn. I'm talking young guys with young hot hard bodied girls. It is hard not to take it personal, but really, if you were able to compete with porn then you would have been the only woman who could. That you had your health issues was unfortunate. your husband was a selfish ass if he left you in the hospital near death. I will say this, perhaps porn was his coping mechanism. Sort of like drugs. I'm not giving him a pass or an excuse, you were his wife and he should have been there. Period.

 

In the end, both of you need some work. Your first step is to stop idealizing what your "friend" did. He used your vulnerability to make a move. It is in the players handbook. Tell the fat girl that she is gorgeous, tell the ugly girl she is pretty, tell the insecure girl that she is so awesome. Get in their heads and they will let you into their body. That is not sometimes, not most times, it is all of the time. It is a guaranteed plan. I was a master player of this game so as they say, "a player recognizes a player".

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Islandwhitewave
IWW,

 

I'm glad that you confessed. Unfortunately, your view of this whole affair is so skewed. You repeatedly say that this other man "healed you" or whatever phrase that you used. He made you feel desirable again, etc. Very gently, let me say this. He did not heal you. He used you.

 

He took advantage of your vulnerabilities. A few comments, some attention, declarations of affection and boom, making out with a man who is not your husband. Believe me when I say this. I'm not saying that you are not desirable, I am saying that this "healer" is just a predator.

 

Get over the fantasy of being healed. You may have benefited, but that was a by product and not the goal. Besides, how can you say that what healed you was a little poison for your husband? It cannot be both. Sorry, and I say this gently as possible.

 

As to the porn. Truth be told, no woman can compete with it. It has been shown to affect the brain. Endorphins pump like crazy. Immediate physical pleasure (if he self pleasured) while watching. Look it up, lots of guys can't even keep it up with a real woman because she can't compete with porn. I'm talking young guys with young hot hard bodied girls. It is hard not to take it personal, but really, if you were able to compete with porn then you would have been the only woman who could. That you had your health issues was unfortunate. your husband was a selfish ass if he left you in the hospital near death. I will say this, perhaps porn was his coping mechanism. Sort of like drugs. I'm not giving him a pass or an excuse, you were his wife and he should have been there. Period.

 

In the end, both of you need some work. Your first step is to stop idealizing what your "friend" did. He used your vulnerability to make a move. It is in the players handbook. Tell the fat girl that she is gorgeous, tell the ugly girl she is pretty, tell the insecure girl that she is so awesome. Get in their heads and they will let you into their body. That is not sometimes, not most times, it is all of the time. It is a guaranteed plan. I was a master player of this game so as they say, "a player recognizes a player".

 

The the thing is, my sister (I had a conversation with her last night) said the same thing. I would agree. I don't get offended easily and I get it. I'm not vulnerable and I can take it. Great, use me. I'll take it! I'll use him and move on. I'll be a bit sad that this guy did this, fine, but I got what wanted too. I got some self confidence back. My marriage is now starting to heal. We are going to therapy, I'm going to therapy. He used me? Fine. I used him too.

 

However, the player is Air Force, picking a vulnerable married woman with issues wouldn't be a very smart thing to do. Let me tell you why, choosing the WRONG vulnerable married woman with issues could wind up with him being destroyed.

Why play women with issues? That puts him in a very bad position. I'm not defending him, nor am I building him up. I'm just applying logic here. Adultery in the AF is illegal. He knows me and knows I wouldn't go all batty spiteful on him. He knows I'm also not the timid mouse that would hang on his every word.

 

I'm trying so very hard to express myself and where our relationship went and where it is now. As of now, he's less appealing to me now that I opened up to my husband. The hurt that it caused my husband just is NOT worth it. The thrill is gone. The confidence I've achieved is there, I feel better already. Whether it was him or whether it was me that knowing I used him to gain something I needed, it's there.

 

I don't need him to fill a void. There is no more void. I want to grow and heal with my husband and move on. I'd like to strictly remain friends with this man, but im don't see how that is a possibility.

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Islandwhitewave
Thinking you can stay friends with this guy is flawed. You have an issue with porn, it would be like him saying, ill just watch softcore (althrough your A is on a different level). It doesn't help in the healing process.

 

I've been knee deep in trying to understand unfaithful wives for the better part of a decade. Your wanting to stay friends is more likely your attempt to maintain the source of ego stroking and instant validation. There is a romantic investment, an emotional investment you know as well as I do your intentions are less the honorable towards your husband and marriage. Be honest, if your husband was in this position would you be ok with him remaining friends with his affair partner? Judging about how you allowed porn to create such a wedge I'm guessing your anger would move the planet.

 

You can't expect more then your willing to give.

 

It has to all end with this MM, no more going back for ego boosts. Doing so will always pull you away from focusing on your marriage.

 

Last night (I'm not in the states, as you've probably guessed, were stationed overseas) changed something , something clicked. I realized that I don't find this bantering back and forth with this man appealing anymore. It's just not thrilling anymore. We will still have to have contact though. Our oldest sons are best friends, this man and my husband are friends and they continue to banter back and forth at worth. They share an office. They work together. But he an I.... Will be casual towards each other. As much as I can muster. His wife and I were close too. And that is what I'm most sad about. I love hanging out with her, getting our children together. I ruined this relationship. I did this. And so did he.

 

But my husband has become more appealing to me. Because I regained this piece of myself, I don't know how it happened, perhaps I used this man and got what I wanted out of it... Like I said... I feel better about myself. I feel closer to my husband. But I also feel such guilt and remorse. I feel like I'm going to burst into tears. I hurt him so much and I'm going to be by his side.

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You know you cannot stay friends with this man. You have to either be all-in or not-at-all with your husband. Staying friends is keeping the affair going. You are kidding yourself if you think you are not still cheating on your husband. You cannot rebuild a marriage with half measures. You and your husband have a lot of work to do to help each other heal. Get rid of your boyfriend

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Islandwhitewave
You know you cannot stay friends with this man. You have to either be all-in or not-at-all with your husband. Staying friends is keeping the affair going. You are kidding yourself if you think you are not still cheating on your husband. You cannot rebuild a marriage with half measures. You and your husband have a lot of work to do to help each other heal. Get rid of your boyfriend

 

Please read my recent responses. Thanks.

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People are focusing on your friendship with this guy but what I find interesting is that your husband is still remaining friends with this man after he made a move on you...

 

This man is not a friend to your marriage.

 

Could this man jeopardize your husband's career if he decided to get mad about you ending your "friendship" with him?

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