OW/OM, Was there a D-Day in your affair?

[Goodbye]

Just thinking back on my own situation. I have healed a lot since R with exMM ended last year, but even more so since the D-Day on his end.

 

 

I have a feeling if there hadn't been a D-Day, and exMM had gotten to just resume married life without any consequences, I'd still be having a lot of emotion over the situation.

 

 

In my situation, I told the W via letter after exMM couldn't keep NC on his end. For whatever reason (maybe I'm a mean woman), knowing the the W knew what her H had been up to, and knowing that she was not going to just allow H to settle back into "happy hubby" mode without some explaining, just made it easier to deal with my own hurt and to put an end to it.

 

 

For those of you recovering from your R's with MM/MW, did they have a D-Day? Have you moved on? Did "thinking your exMM/MW settled back into homelife" unscathed keep you fixated? Or were you able to just shut that chapter even without the finality that comes with a D-Day?

[MissBee]

My A was years ago so admittedly it's not like these things newly happened so I've had a lot of time to move on from it, but in my own case there was no DDay, just NC. For a while I wondered if maybe there was a dday but he just never told me about it and decided to quietly move on, and since the dday seemed sudden (although it really wasn't it was just that this time he meant it whereas the other times I initiated ending things we still tried to be friends) that added to these unanswered questions.

 

He did come back a year later and explained that he decided to cut contact because he couldn't have given me what I deserved so he felt it was best he disappeared even though he badly wanted to reach out. It seemed altruistic on one hand but I often still wondered if there were other reasons, like her finding out.

 

Anyway, point is, NC helped me TREMENDOUSLY! Even though initially it felt like punishment and the withdrawal is hard it helped me tremendously to "detox" if you will and move forward. I don't know if there being a DDAY would have made a difference or not, NC was what made the difference in my case.

[bentleychic]

Yes, there was a d-day just shy of 2 years in. It didn't change anything at all as far as his home life or his R with me, honestly. She knew it continued and would bring me up sometimes (though not often) and that's it. She acted like I didn't exist most of the time.

 

HOWEVER, it did change me in that I realized neither of them had any plans to change anything and I had no desire to be an OW indefinitely.

 

I now have a fabulous single guy in my life and the difference is AMAZING!

[Loveless77]

This is going on month 2 for me. No contact. I am still debating whether to tell his wife... she should be around 37 or 38 weeks pregnant now, or she may have already had their child. I still get discussed at the fact for how he played games with me and walked away when I told him I did not want to see or hear from him ever again, he walked away without even a protest, like I meant absolutely nothing.

 

I still debate about telling his wife about how I never knew about her for those 2 years and how it is a strong possibility he has a 6 month old and another woman pregnant currently (2 different women other than his wife) and from what I hear, he had slept with many other women.

 

It's disgusting how she doesn't know and he is living his life as normal and she believes that he is the best husband in the world:sick::sick:

 

I'm just trying to do my best to move and and let God repay him his due...

[KismetGirl]

Many D-Days, of sorts. She caught him in lies many times. Sometimes vague hints, sometimes outright proof that he was up to no good.

 

Each time brought me constant stress and grief.

 

I'm not always great at taking my own advice, but for anyone considering, NC is the way to go. The only way-- until you are positive you have no more feelings for this person anyway. As long as you do it will confuse the matter.

 

I should know. Just broke three long years of NC after MM tracked me down to re-connect. Haven't met up with him in person but haven't been able to say no to him either. If i was in a happy relationship I think it would have been easier to avoid him, but I'm currently single, and not too happy about it haha....so its been tempting to just keep talking and hearing all those nice things he used to say. It is a dangerous thing indeed.

[Summer Breeze]

We had all kinds of ddays and nothing changed in any of them. Our R didn't change and neither did theirs. I think the only thing that did change was I talked to her every time she contacted me and I answered everything honestly. I pretty much thought the R ended when ddays hit but he was never more than a week or 2 before getting back in touch. I often wonder what it would have felt like to have had him truly walk away after a dday. I loved him but I never was more invested in the R than he was so I don't think it would have been quite as bad as some others here have gone through.

[Decisiontomake]

It definitely stings to think of my exAP just settling back into his life with his wife BUT all parties entered into it eyes wide open so I'm thinking of that as just a necessary emotion as part of the letting go process. I'm "letting go with love" as another poster on another thread has said. It feels better to do that - not easy, but better!

[Baby123]

We had a mini dday- she read our emails after about 4 weeks of our A, he told her he wouldn't stop seeing me and was only staying at home until he got an apartment, which he did within a month, and then he left her.

[glow worm]

3 months ago I caused DDay in my A of 4.5 years as a way of seeking an ending. It worked, I've never heard from MM since and I haven't contacted him either.

 

The reasons I did it is because he wasn't respecting my desires to go NC and kept begging me to reconsider. I knew that telling the BW would change that: he would be furious at me, possibly hate me, and definitely no longer want contact. (I realize it's not this way for all MM, but I KNEW this is how my MM would react.) It would irreversibly end the A. Honestly, if I hadn't done that, there's no way I would have been strong enough to maintain NC with him for this long. If I knew he was out there now, longing to hear from me, I would have caved months ago and called him.

 

Of course there were many downsides. But for me, the DDay was the right decision. My A is over forever, and both myself and MM can move on now.

[Cheshire]

For those of you recovering from your R's with MM/MW, did they have a D-Day? Have you moved on? Did "thinking your exMM/MW settled back into homelife" unscathed keep you fixated? Or were you able to just shut that chapter even without the finality that comes with a D-Day?

 

I can so relate to this. I take it by 'D-Day' you mean things coming out into the open with the BS? Well that never happened. As I explained in my own thread, we both worked for the same company that got taken over, and both got made redundant within a few days of each other. Redundancy was a huge shock for me, obviously, and then I wanted to know how my MW was going to take it, but contact always had to come from her side, and I had to wait a few weeks.

 

When she wanted to meet up, it was to tell me that she and her husband were moving to another area where there were more work opportunities for her, and that we should finish. Tears from me at any rate, but where I should have been angry and taken the opportunity to metaphorically lash out, I kind of went in on myself.

 

And it didn't help that she was easily look-upable on Facebook. She friended most people she worked with, the company did a lot on social media, and we were all encouraged to use it... I think it was also a way of boss's 'keeping tabs on us' so we didn't slag anyone or anything off. It didn't really affect me as I hardly posted anything, but for about a year after we finished I was often checking up on her Facebook and looking at pics she posted. And it was exactly as you describe, settling right back into homelife with someone she'd been betraying for thirteen years! You'd think they were the most devoted middle-aged couple.

 

(Dangerous thing Facebook, it's easy to attach more importance to it than it warrants... I considered the fact that she didn't immediately 'unfriend' me as a sign that she wanted to keep the lines of communication open and that there was still a chance in the future. I don't know why she didn't take me off there, but I've done it now, along with a load of other people from my ex-work, so I only have 14 'friends' now, none of whom have ever had anything to do with her. I could delete the whole thing, but then I'd lose touch with relatives who live abroad).

 

Anyway, after two years, I suppose I am still looking for 'closure' in some way. Not that I don't think things are 'over', but I guess I want to find some way of rationalising a thirteen-year affair, and explaining it to anyone I might become involved with in the future. Re-hashing things and causing a big stink with the husband isn't going to help me do that.

[Lady2163]

We never had a dday that specifically was "I you're screwing around with Jane Doe". We had one PG-13 text that didn't get deleted and caused an uproar. We weren't big texters then, we text more now that the PA has ended and we are in LC.

 

But, before that....there had been accusations and hints. Now, the thing is - each time it wasn't because of time spent with me. HIs business has a seasonal rush, where he works 18 hour days and a lot of times things can change and he isn't always where he said he was going to be an hour ago. So, he really was doing work related things, but because he was engaged in an affair with me, he'd react like a guilty person.

 

There's a lot I knew would happen when it ended. I knew if there wasn't a dday, he would get to have his life uninterrupted with wife and kids. Unscathed. Whereas I would be alone. I don't hate him, still like him, consider him a friend, but I can definitely see where that would flip a switch in an OW who has been thrown under the bus.

[Goodbye]

3 months ago I caused DDay in my A of 4.5 years as a way of seeking an ending. It worked, I've never heard from MM since and I haven't contacted him either.

 

The reasons I did it is because he wasn't respecting my desires to go NC and kept begging me to reconsider. I knew that telling the BW would change that: he would be furious at me, possibly hate me, and definitely no longer want contact. (I realize it's not this way for all MM, but I KNEW this is how my MM would react.) It would irreversibly end the A. Honestly, if I hadn't done that, there's no way I would have been strong enough to maintain NC with him for this long. If I knew he was out there now, longing to hear from me, I would have caved months ago and called him.

 

Of course there were many downsides. But for me, the DDay was the right decision. My A is over forever, and both myself and MM can move on now.

 

 

 

This was similar to my situation.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Two catastrophic, horrible D-Days. First time his wife discovered it and he confessed. She did not (for whatever reason) want anyone to know - even my husband. She thought we could exist still going to the same church, leading worship, going to dinner together, etc. It was excruciating. I couldn't take it. I wanted to tell my husband, but they both convinced me it was for the greater good. I finally decided I was pulling back from everything. He did not want me to do that - sucked me back in and it was full on again.

 

Three months later my husband found out - it blew big time.

 

It was probably one of the most horrific events of my life. I was just thinking about it the other day because we are almost 5 years from that last DDay - the cold this time of the year reminds me - when I walk out into the crisp cool air. It reminds me of the void and how empty and horrible I felt. I didnt think I would ever get through it. I was in so much pain - as was my husband. There was LC between XMOM and I for a few months and then a final meeting and that was it - haven't talked to him since. I assume the pain was as great on their end, I don't know.

 

Then my husband had an affair and I confronted him now 3 years ago. That was a different kind of pain I had to negotiate and I can't even really put into words why.

 

We are different people today, my husband and I. Stronger in many ways - we focus on our kids and our grandbabies, our careers and even have a bucket list trip scheduled next year. I can't say it's a "newer" "better" relationship (isn't that how they describe it?). I think we know what we almost lost and we are thankful.

 

The DDays seem like something very far away - or something that happened to someone else. But still, when I walk outside on cold days, like today, I can be transported in an instant back to those months right after and it feels like yesterday.

 

Infidelity - the gift that keeps giving.

[Scarlet2]

Just thinking back on my own situation. I have healed a lot since R with exMM ended last year, but even more so since the D-Day on his end.

 

 

I have a feeling if there hadn't been a D-Day, and exMM had gotten to just resume married life without any consequences, I'd still be having a lot of emotion over the situation.

 

 

In my situation, I told the W via letter after exMM couldn't keep NC on his end. For whatever reason (maybe I'm a mean woman), knowing the the W knew what her H had been up to, and knowing that she was not going to just allow H to settle back into "happy hubby" mode without some explaining, just made it easier to deal with my own hurt and to put an end to it.

 

 

For those of you recovering from your R's with MM/MW, did they have a D-Day? Have you moved on? Did "thinking your exMM/MW settled back into homelife" unscathed keep you fixated? Or were you able to just shut that chapter even without the finality that comes with a D-Day?

 

You are right, there would be a lot of emotion and fixation on them resuming the marriage unscathed. Sometimes I wish I had a D-Day instead of being a kept secret that he ghosted. Granted, I don't want the extra pain that comes with D-Day but at least there would be no question about it being over.

[FusionCutter]

You are right, there would be a lot of emotion and fixation on them resuming the marriage unscathed. Sometimes I wish I had a D-Day instead of being a kept secret that he ghosted. Granted, I don't want the extra pain that comes with D-Day but at least there would be no question about it being over.

 

Then tell his wife. What's the issue? You don't want to hurt him? Then walk away. Isn't it so simple? It's only not over because you don't want it to be over.

[HappyAgain2014]

For those of you recovering from your R's with MM/MW, did they have a D-Day? Have you moved on? Did "thinking your exMM/MW settled back into homelife" unscathed keep you fixated? Or were you able to just shut that chapter even without the finality that comes with a D-Day?

 

Our D-Day happened when I texted his wife and let her decide what, if anything, she wanted to know. Seeing how he was waffling and being selfish, when i believed he was so worried about everyone else, changed my entire perspective of him and our relationship.

 

I'm sure he's not unscathed but that's not my responsibility. I shut that chapter immediately. My heart was broken but it helped to face the reality of everything I was involved in. Also opened my eyes to what I needed and deserved to have from a man.

 

I've moved on. Met a wonderful, SINGLE, man 18 months ago. I married him earlier this month. Life is great.

[goodyblue]

We only had the one dday and it was pretty cut and dried. She found the batphone.when that happened he just told her everything. What she did by immediately involving the kids still makes me angry, but they are ok now. I used to have a seething hatred for his ex and she has become a bit of a stalker. I just feel sorry for her now. It has been years now and just two days ago she went out and bought an exact replica of our new car. She drives by daily, sends horrible emails, et cetera.

 

It has only been of late that i have begun to realize the pain we caused. I do, however, think people go to extremes when they are incredibly lonely. I often wonder if the craziness she displays would be less if she didn't know or if it would have been the same. I still wish she had not found out, even more that we had waited to date. Even with all of this, we are very happy. Going to his parents for Thanksgiving, enjoying our life together.

[checkoutat10]

Yes. Two DD's with two different MM.

 

The 1st MM lived with me for about a year. He was military and his wife remained in another state when he transferred to a base near me. This was was about 14-15 years ago now and she found out when she found a card in his truck from me. I had made it for him before he left to go back to her.

 

Of course, he had promised me he was going back to file for divorce and that he would come back for me, and I, in true OW-style, ate it up like candy.

 

Of course, he had no intention of coming back for me and I was so incredible hurt by that, but I'll never forget her phone call to me. She was in tears, going over all the things I had written in the card that we had done together. Nothing sordid, just movies, concerts, road trips, memorable outings, etc. She told me that he never did any of those things with her. She called me several times, cussing me out, calling me a homewrecker, slut, etc. I shamefully retorted with the whole "maybe you should learn to control your husband" bit. I know, I'm cringing too. In actuality, my heart broke for her and I realized what a ****ty person I was for being a willing participant in someone else's heartache and misery. I decided then that I would never date another MM.

 

Then, I met MM #2. Another military man. We dated for several weeks, he was there when I had a minor outpatient surgery, he spent the night frequently, we spent tons of time together. Then I found out he was married, she was living about an hour away, they were getting divorced, yada yada yada. I *almost* fell for it again. Dumped him. No DDay that I know of.

 

And then....MM #3. Yep, you guessed it....military. He did not tell me he was married (of course). While we were dating I kept feeling like there was something he wasn't telling me, but I couldn't put a finger on it. We had a great time together, our personalities really meshed well, the sex was amazing. He moved in with me after about 3 months of dating. I remember I kept asking him if there was something he needed to tell me, anything....and he would say no.

 

Then....one day....I got a phone call. From his WIFE. It was HORRIBLE. She screamed and yelled and cried at me. She did confirm that they were separated, and that she was in another state, but I guess she was hoping they would work it out. I was very civil and honest, I told her everything she wanted to know. I was furious for having been put in this situation without even knowing, I felt blindsided and shell shocked. He was actually just arriving at my apt. while I was on the phone with her and I ran out the front door and threw the phone at him. While he stuttered and tripped all over himself I threw his clothes off the balcony into the parking lot, lol. Yeah drama, I know. I was 22!

 

Anyway....it was a rocky road after that, I dumped him. He moved out. After about two weeks of him calling constantly and begging forgiveness, saying that they really were separated and he would file for divorce asap....I caved and he came back. My one condition was that he file for divorce, and he did. Two months later it was final. He proposed to me about six months later, and we've been married for almost 12 years.

 

Don't think it's a happy ending though......I just had my first DDay with him earlier this year........

 

I am *such* a believer in karma and what goes around, comes around. Also once a cheater.....yep.