I slept with a married woman...

[Trotters]

I had an affair with a married woman. I know im gonna get a lot of abuse here but im single. I take my fair share of responsibility but what shes doing id say is worse as shes the one that's married. Anyway, it is over now but I feel more guilty than she seems to. I asked her why shes cheating on him on 3 separate occasions & each time she said she didn't know why. She still wants me to be friends with her but im wondering if being friends with a married woman isnt a good idea. Im wondering if she isnt really the kind of person I want/need in my life. I wouldn't describe her as a whore shes respectable & pretty clever. How can she work on her marriage if were still talking, meeting up occasionally?. Something doesn’t seem right to me, either with herself or her marriage its like things are a bit awkward/toxic between us yet were both still in contact. As far as I can tell she isn't going to go to counselling herself & she isnt going to tell her husband. I thought she was gonna say I don’t want you in my life anymore even as a friend so she can work on her marriage but no, she still keeps in contact with me. Not as often but occasionally. I understand she can have friends, but not secret male friends who shes had an affair with & cheated multiple times…with me alone. She can have friends who shes not romantically involved with that’s ok but I/we have a history that’ll never be same once that line has been crossed. Whats going on in her head?. Even if its just sex, why would she do it?. She should sort this out with her husband because sleeping around isnt going to change anything. She obviously wants her cake & eat it but I just cant understand how if her marriage is so important to her that she still wants me around?. She should be erasing me from her life to concentrate on her husband & her husband only. And she has two children.

She cheated 8 times with me & then we cooled off for 3 weeks saying she wanted to work on her marriage & that we couldn’t carry on like this. Then she contacted me again 3 weeks later saying she was missing me etc. We met up for a casual day out just to be civil with each other & no hard feelings etc. We then had s*x again, so that’s 9 times now. So she tells me she wants to work on her marriage then 3 weeks later were having s*x again. Why isnt she working on her marriage & staying devoted to the person she promised to be faithful to forever?. If she has issues with herself or her marriage, cheating isnt going to help, its only gonna mask the problem temp. Shes been married 10 years. I get she may be bored or just for the thrill but 9 times is pretty serious cheating. She said she loves her husband, but something just doesn't seem right to me for a person to do that to someone they love, especially in secret behind his back.

 

 

Yes im ashamed of myself I just wish people wouldn't say they love their spouse yet betray them. Even if its just sex, shes using me & no love its still sex with another person behind her husbands back with or without love.

 

 

Im not obsessing over her in fact its her making the first contact most of the time, I pulled away & told her not to contact me. Ive not begged, mithered or stalked her etc. I just wish I knew whats really going on with herself or her marriage to do this.

[somedude81]

Why would you even do that? Are you that desperate to get laid?

[Trotters]

Why would you even do that? Are you that desperate to get laid?

No it started out as a good friendship it was never my intention & im surprised myself it went this far. No im not desperate we used to hang out like normal people its never just been to meet for sex. What I really wanna know is she can have sex whenever she wants yet chose to have sex with me 9 times, she has no reason to.

[jm2013]

Why don't you use your new found guilt and go ahead and tell her husband what is up. Is that something you want constantly nagging at you? You were banging some guy's wife all the while he's still in his little bubble thinking he is just in a rough spot in his marriage. He is probably sitting at his house sexless banging his head against the wall in petty arguments with his wife because she has invested a lot of her time and energy into you rather than her husband. Do what is right man. Don't let this guy be gas lighted. You could even just write a letter exposing the affair. Let her be the one who has to answer his questions. At least he'll have a chance to stay or leave without having this all hidden behind his back mindlessly pushing forward with this woman trying to figure out what her problem is.

[HereNorThere]

This is your 12th post about the same married woman. I think you can safely say you are very, very obsessed.

 

I understand you're looking for answers but you really already have them. I think at this point you just need to learn to accept them.

 

 

She's a bad person who uses people. She used you for sex and companionship and she uses her husband for security.

 

It's that simple dude. You gotta let this go before it kills you.

[somedude81]

No it started out as a good friendship it was never my intention & im surprised myself it went this far. No im not desperate we used to hang out like normal people its never just been to meet for sex. What I really wanna know is she can have sex whenever she wants yet chose to have sex with me 9 times, she has no reason to.

 

Why she does what doesn't matter.

 

What matters is what you are doing and why.

[Trotters]

Why she does what doesn't matter.

 

What matters is what you are doing and why.

 

Because im weak, pathetic & a hypocrite. I just want to learn from this experience & become a better person. I just wanted to see if people thought similar things to me. I know im in the wrong I don't need telling that, all I wanted to know is why cheaters live a double life, pretending theyre happy & still love their spouse, acting all innocent etc. I know theyre selfish etc, but why don't they fix their marriage IF theyre unhappy, or leave rather than trying to lie & lead a double life, whats cheating gonna achieve?. A temp fix but it wont cure anything long term unless they miraculously stop all of a sudden?.

 

 

Im just curious that's all.

[Realist3]

Because im weak, pathetic & a hypocrite. I just want to learn from this experience & become a better person. I just wanted to see if people thought similar things to me. I know im in the wrong I don't need telling that, all I wanted to know is why cheaters live a double life, pretending theyre happy & still love their spouse, acting all innocent etc. I know theyre selfish etc, but why don't they fix their marriage IF theyre unhappy, or leave rather than trying to lie & lead a double life, whats cheating gonna achieve?. A temp fix but it wont cure anything long term unless they miraculously stop all of a sudden?.

 

 

Im just curious that's all.

 

Because cheating is often times much easier than fixing a broken marriage. There is no baggage to have to sort through. It is a fresh start. The needs that aren't being met can be met easily outside of the marriage while still maintaining the family they have built. That is why.

[FusionCutter]

Because im weak, pathetic & a hypocrite. I just want to learn from this experience & become a better person. I just wanted to see if people thought similar things to me. I know im in the wrong I don't need telling that, all I wanted to know is why cheaters live a double life, pretending theyre happy & still love their spouse, acting all innocent etc. I know theyre selfish etc, but why don't they fix their marriage IF theyre unhappy, or leave rather than trying to lie & lead a double life, whats cheating gonna achieve?. A temp fix but it wont cure anything long term unless they miraculously stop all of a sudden?.

 

 

Im just curious that's all.

 

The best way is to drop the curiousity, stop being obsessive with others, and fix your own life. It's pretty clear she was just using you.

[Allumere]

Trees...forest....you can figure out the rest of the expression.

 

1) You are as guilty as she is as you knew she was married and entered/continued to have an affair. Fully own that first, then we can move on.

 

2) Her reasons are irrelevant. You will never know the truth as she will never tell you. "I don't know why" is a two-sided red flag...she is lying (probable) or she really is a messed of chick who doesn't know herself (you really want to be all up in that?)

 

3)People are arrogant and self-serving. We live in a society that is disposable. The phase "be happy" is self-serving and executed without forethought. Hey, I'm kind of bored with my husband. Read tons of stories of ONS and affairs on the internet...hot and steamy...and these folks haven't been caught. Well why not, I deserve this and if my husband isn't able to do it I'll just take care of myself...what he doesn't know what hurt him Arrogant, deceitful, destructive but all they see is the fix, the high, how it makes them feel.

 

4) LET IT GO. And I hope that ear worm of a song sticks in your brain until you realize you need to bury this chapter in your life. You made a mistake, own it, forgive yourself and cut her out of your life. As far as telling her husband, I tend to agree with the other poster BUT that is itself a slipper slope and I would defer to others on here for opinions on taking that action.

[FusionCutter]

The "right" thing to do is to tell the husband.

 

However, I believe what's best is to walk away from it all. Enough damage is done.

 

Do what's best yourself. Walk away and drop it. Heal. Get better.

[Ruffian1]

but why don't they fix their marriage IF theyre unhappy, or leave rather than trying to lie & lead a double life, whats cheating gonna achieve?

This is actually a very easy question to answer.

 

 

They are not unhappy, they don't want to leave because they have it pretty good at home . . . . . they achieve "cake eating" having it and eating it.

 

 

It all comes down to selfishness. I want all of it.

[Poppy47]

Why don't you pull yourself together and stop doing these things that you find so revolting?

 

How about just saying NO?

Poppy

[FusionCutter]

See it for what it is. She is a disgusting woman for doing this to you. She has no sense of relationship ethics.

[dichotomy]

Lots of good advice here. "She was the one who was married" please drop that line of thinking. You committed adultery. You.

 

Its good your ashamed. Get some counseling and move on. An email - saying you deeply regret your actions and wish she would get counseling and repair her marriage and to never contact you again - would be very good.

 

Also someday you may have to explain this time in your life - to your own future wife to be - and the NC regret email and counseling would be a great way demonstrate your growth from this mistake.

 

I suspect your not her last F buddy.

Edited November 11, 2014 by dichotomy

[Trotters]

Lots of good advice here. "She was the one who was married" please drop that line of thinking. You committed adultery. You.

 

Its good your ashamed. Get some counseling and move on. An email - saying you deeply regret your actions and wish she would get counseling and repair her marriage and to never contact you again - would be very good.

 

Also someday you may have to explain this time in your life - to your own future wife to be - and the NC regret email and counseling would be a great way demonstrate your growth from this mistake.

 

I suspect your not her last F buddy.

 

I already have. I sent her an email last week telling her not to lie, cheat, be honest at all times, dont keep secrets from her husband ever again, to stay devoted to him & him only as he doesn't deserve to live a lie. I also said I hope your marriage works out. I know its a bit late now but im trying to now do the right thing by myself & for her. She didn't reply to my email, but still emails me general chit chat etc. I too think she wont be able to keep that up forever shes only 33, she hasn't been caught yet but I reckon she will sometime if she carries on. My email has either pricked her conscience or shes just glanced over it & taken no notice of it. Afterall I cant tell her what to do, its upto her how she lives her life. I don't think I need counselling. Hurt is my biggest lesson.

Edited November 11, 2014 by Trotters
Ammended

[whichwayisup]

Because im weak, pathetic & a hypocrite. I just want to learn from this experience & become a better person. I just wanted to see if people thought similar things to me. I know im in the wrong I don't need telling that, all I wanted to know is why cheaters live a double life, pretending theyre happy & still love their spouse, acting all innocent etc. I know theyre selfish etc, but why don't they fix their marriage IF theyre unhappy, or leave rather than trying to lie & lead a double life, whats cheating gonna achieve?. A temp fix but it wont cure anything long term unless they miraculously stop all of a sudden?.

 

 

Im just curious that's all.

 

SHE is broken inside. Go read some threads in the infidelity section. Many BS (betrayed spouses) say they felt their marriage was good, still had sex, was happy etc., yet the WS(wandering spouse) still chose to go cheat/have an affair.

 

Because most WS are selfish. They do as they please and don't care about consequences, don't think ahead of the damage that their choices cause later on.

 

Don't try to figure out her reasons, you'll never know. You have no idea what goes on behind closed door in their marriage, her dynamic with her husband or lifestyle/family life. Whatever you know is what she's told you. Bent to her side of course.