Jump to content

Transitioning from OM to Relationship...


Recommended Posts

Following my broken engagement four months ago, I felt like I would never love again. The very essence of life seemed like it had been stolen away from me.

 

But in August I met a beautiful young woman that I worked with. I got to know her, we started talking, and it seemed like we were both very interested in each other.

 

Then one day (after a week of talking romantically) she let me know that she had a boyfriend. I was taken back and a little upset...but I made the piss poor decision to pursue it anyway. She made it sound like they were on the outs and somehow, this justified my actions.

 

We have similar interests/hobbies, she is drop dead gorgeous, educated, and wickedly interesting. All of these things made it really hard to say no to the situation.

 

After a short 5 weeks of "un-steady dating", I started falling for her pretty damn hard. It got to where I could only think about her and I lost complete interest in other women. No matter my sincerity or efforts she wouldn't break up with her boyfriend. She always insisted that she was stuck and didn't know what to do. No matter how unhappy she seemed with this other guy, she stayed.

 

But never stopped seeing me. Things would start to get hot and heavy, but I would always stop us before it got to sex. I told her, I didn't want her unless I could have all of her.

 

My feelings just kept getting stronger. Today on her birthday, I let her know that I couldn't do it anymore. That even though I feel very strongly about her and don't want her to go away, I couldn't continue fighting for someone who wouldn't fight for me.

 

It started to feel like I was her shameful secret. Always meeting up late at night, hiding away. Never doing "normal" things to spend time together.

 

I feel low as dirt, but somehow free at the same time. Did I do the right thing? Is there any aftermath I should be aware of?

 

She's 20 and I'm 23, btw.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Following my broken engagement four months ago, I felt like I would never love again. The very essence of life seemed like it had been stolen away from me.

 

But in August I met a beautiful young woman that I worked with. I got to know her, we started talking, and it seemed like we were both very interested in each other.

 

Then one day (after a week of talking romantically) she let me know that she had a boyfriend. I was taken back and a little upset...but I made the piss poor decision to pursue it anyway. She made it sound like they were on the outs and somehow, this justified my actions.

 

We have similar interests/hobbies, she is drop dead gorgeous, educated, and wickedly interesting. All of these things made it really hard to say no to the situation.

 

After a short 5 weeks of "un-steady dating", I started falling for her pretty damn hard. It got to where I could only think about her and I lost complete interest in other women. No matter my sincerity or efforts she wouldn't break up with her boyfriend. She always insisted that she was stuck and didn't know what to do. No matter how unhappy she seemed with this other guy, she stayed.

 

But never stopped seeing me. Things would start to get hot and heavy, but I would always stop us before it got to sex. I told her, I didn't want her unless I could have all of her.

 

My feelings just kept getting stronger. Today on her birthday, I let her know that I couldn't do it anymore. That even though I feel very strongly about her and don't want her to go away, I couldn't continue fighting for someone who wouldn't fight for me.

 

It started to feel like I was her shameful secret. Always meeting up late at night, hiding away. Never doing "normal" things to spend time together.

 

I feel low as dirt, but somehow free at the same time. Did I do the right thing? Is there any aftermath I should be aware of?

 

She's 20 and I'm 23, btw.

 

Speaking from experience because right now I'm taking medication for all the crap I had to endure.......

 

Please look for another job and don't look back.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Speaking from experience because right now I'm taking medication for all the crap I had to endure.......

 

Please look for another job and don't look back.

 

I'm working on that at the moment. I feel a deep hurt about the whole thing...but it's not enough to make me run from my job. I was getting sick of the job anyway. I really just want to know that I did the right thing. Because I want to be with her...but it all just feels like too much right now.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm working on that at the moment. I feel a deep hurt about the whole thing...but it's not enough to make me run from my job. I was getting sick of the job anyway. I really just want to know that I did the right thing. Because I want to be with her...but it all just feels like too much right now.

 

Better run for the hills than watch her belly swell with another man baby..... However everyone situation is different but in an affairs at least three quarters of the third parties(me and you) get burned. Are you willing to take the chance?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes you did the right thing.

 

She chose to stay in the relationship with the boyfriend. She isn't 'unhappy' enough to leave. The fact that she was willing to have sex with you, while in a relationship with another, shows you her character.

 

People will show you who they are - believe what you see.

 

Let her go - and don't become her therapist or sounding board.

 

She is choosing to stay with her boyfriend. That is all you need to know. You are very young - you will have several more relationships in your life. This one isn't a good one for you.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Yes you did the right thing.

 

She chose to stay in the relationship with the boyfriend. She isn't 'unhappy' enough to leave. The fact that she was willing to have sex with you, while in a relationship with another, shows you her character.

 

People will show you who they are - believe what you see.

 

Let her go - and don't become her therapist or sounding board.

 

She is choosing to stay with her boyfriend. That is all you need to know. You are very young - you will have several more relationships in your life. This one isn't a good one for you.

 

We never had sex. Neither of us wanted to unless we could do everything the right way. I dunno, maybe everything was just one big lie.

 

Yeah, I guess you're right. It's just a difficult reality to cope with.

 

When my fiance left me, everything sort of fell apart. I'm unhappy at work, unsatisfied in just about every aspect of my life...and when this girl came along it very stupidly seemed like something to put my hope into.

 

This is just becoming a little debilitating. It feels like all I think about lately and I'm unsure of how to put distance between myself and all of this.

 

It's complex...how do I let go when I feel like I have nothing and this all feels so enormous even though it's probably not?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 month later...
  • Author

I've been seeing a girl who is in a committed relationship (1 year) for the past 4 and a half months. We've been seeing each other regularly, talking, flirting, almost acting as if though we were together for the majority of that time. Lately she's even talked about ending her relationship (started telling me she loved me and wanted to be with me etc.)

 

This week while we were hanging out the attraction was unbearable. Things got hot and heavy and we had sex for the first time (five days ago). I noticed that she was trembling and looked really uneasy (kept asking me "Are you okay?"). She let me know after we stopped that she was feeling too guilty to enjoy it.

 

The next day, she comes over again. Things escalate again and we have sex a second time. Longer, but again she stops us and freaks out. The girl had a full blown panic attack and actually fainted in my bed.

 

Since last Wednesday, she has gone completely cold. She says that she needs time alone to sort out her thoughts and that she just isn't in a healthy place to be the things I want her to be.

 

I've been a very patient and understanding guy. She's not engaged or married...doesn't have kids. Her and her BF don't live together (no ties that bind, etc.). When we started talking it sounded as if though her relationship was pretty much on the outs anyway, so I didn't have any problem making a move.

 

But now, I find myself wondering if it's even possible to transition from being the OM to being in a relationship. Is there any reason why she would suddenly go cold after the sex? Should I just give her, her space?

 

I feel like she's completely disregarding my feelings. From what I gather, she let her boyfriend know that she cheated on him and they broke up (she claims she's not even sure if they're together anymore...whatever that means).

 

At first she claimed that she was afraid that if we did it, I would run off on her. Apparently the shoe is on the other foot though. Help please? :o

Link to post
Share on other sites

This girl is Three Ways of koo-koo...

 

"If she cheats with you, she will cheat on you."

 

If you stick around, prepare for lots of drama, walking on eggshells, and never really knowing where you stand with her.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

She probably did the one thing she swore she'd never do. Cheat on someone. Not once, but now twice by having sex with you, though she was cheating on her boyfriend as soon as you two got close emotionally.

 

She feels bad and guilty which is why she's backed off. Maybe she's changed her mind about everything.

 

Why do you think her relationship was on the out when you made a move on her? Did she tell you this? it is possible she minimized their relationship and it's actually more serious than she let on.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
She probably did the one thing she swore she'd never do. Cheat on someone. Not once, but now twice by having sex with you, though she was cheating on her boyfriend as soon as you two got close emotionally.

 

She feels bad and guilty which is why she's backed off. Maybe she's changed her mind about everything.

 

Why do you think her relationship was on the out when you made a move on her? Did she tell you this? it is possible she minimized their relationship and it's actually more serious than she let on.

 

Yeah...that makes sense. I agree. I confronted her about this fact many times.

 

Maybe...it just really hurts. I really care for her and she seemed to earnestly care for me too. I mean it's obvious that the entire motivation for this wasn't sex. We talked about a lot of things together. It felt like an actual relationship and she said many times that night that she knew that she wanted to be with me.

 

She mentioned they had been together for a year, but that she was unhappy. She says that he's extremely clingy and that he puts a lot of stress and pressure on her. She also said that he was unable to get an erection when she would try to have sex with him (which he attributed to performance anxiety). There were other issues too concerning the beginning of their relationship (he didn't tell her that he was coming straight out of a 6 year long relationship and that he was a virgin, which at our age is mind blowing).

 

I'm extremely confused because everything about this seemed genuine and like it was moving in the direction of the two of us being together.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yeah...that makes sense. I agree. I confronted her about this fact many times.

 

Maybe...it just really hurts. I really care for her and she seemed to earnestly care for me too. I mean it's obvious that the entire motivation for this wasn't sex. We talked about a lot of things together. It felt like an actual relationship and she said many times that night that she knew that she wanted to be with me.

 

She mentioned they had been together for a year, but that she was unhappy. She says that he's extremely clingy and that he puts a lot of stress and pressure on her. She also said that he was unable to get an erection when she would try to have sex with him (which he attributed to performance anxiety). There were other issues too concerning the beginning of their relationship (he didn't tell her that he was coming straight out of a 6 year long relationship and that he was a virgin, which at our age is mind blowing).

 

I'm extremely confused because everything about this seemed genuine and like it was moving in the direction of the two of us being together.

 

She's not even married with him. She could end him with a simple phone call. There's something deeper going on here that will severely affect the relationship with her even if you do manage to get her. Want to find out very quickly how she feels about you? Simply leave her for good. She'll make up her mind really quickly about you and you'll have your answers. Have some standards. Ever human being is entitled to one person that loves them without deception. You're not getting that.

Edited by FusionCutter
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
She's not even married with him. She could end him with a simple phone call. There's something deeper going on here that will severely affect the relationship with her even if you do manage to get her. Want to find out very quickly how she feels about you? Simply leave her for good. She'll make up her mind really quickly about you and you'll have your answers. Have some standards. Ever human being is entitled to one person that loves them without deception. You're not getting that.

 

I agree. This is a very painful and true realization I've been struggling with.

 

Every time that I try to leave or end things, she just comes back around and it starts all over again, usually stronger than the last time.

 

You're right. I just don't know how to find the strength to do it. I've had a hell of a year. She's beautiful and very intelligent. We have a lot in common...I've just got a terrible case of "oneitis." I never intended for my feelings for her to develop into something so intense. She claims she didn't either.

 

I found myself really believing in this person. When she told me she wasn't this type of girl...I really believed her. It took a lot of time and emotional investment to get to this point. It's just weird that sex ruined that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I agree. This is a very painful and true realization I've been struggling with.

 

Every time that I try to leave or end things, she just comes back around and it starts all over again, usually stronger than the last time.

 

You're right. I just don't know how to find the strength to do it. I've had a hell of a year. She's beautiful and very intelligent. We have a lot in common...I've just got a terrible case of "oneitis." I never intended for my feelings for her to develop into something so intense. She claims she didn't either.

 

I found myself really believing in this person. When she told me she wasn't this type of girl...I really believed her. It took a lot of time and emotional investment to get to this point. It's just weird that sex ruined that.

 

True, happy love is not supposed to be like this. It sounds like you care about her. You need to muster the courage to break it off with her.

 

"This isnt' good for me, I really care for you. If you want to continue, I need you to do be single. If you're not willing to be single, then there's no reason to continue this."

 

Stand up for your rights and be a man. This kind of math doesn't make sense.

 

She has two men giving her everything and each of the men is getting half a woman.

 

Think about this. I know you're super attached, especially after sex. You want this relationship to start off on the right foot. A healthy one. How you get there, is breaking it off amicably.

 

If she loves and wants to be with you, she would make it happen. Don't compromise on your values as a valuable man.

 

Think about it. In the past, men have moved mountains, started wars, fought to the death, to be with the ones they loved.

 

She can't even end a relationship? Why would you want to be with someone so cowardly?

 

I know i'm talking badly of her. But deep down inside you can't contest what I'm saying.

 

My advice for you is to stop defending her, be a man, don't get further roped in along this, or it will lead to some serious heartache.

 

Another thing I want you to consider is, if the situation was so great, why are you in here posting? Obviously something is wrong. If the relationship can't even start off on the right foot, you won't be happy in the long run. You've got to see past the big picture and not just the post-first-time-sex guilt and goggles.

 

Find the courage to leave her - that's the only way you'll get the truth. No need to make it nasty. Transitioning is not good. She has to emotionally exit her relationship correctly if she wants to be with you.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I would just stay no contact right now.

If she comes around be polite but strict that she needs to end things with him first to be with you.

After she ends things (I doubt she will) you still need to give her time to greive and move on from him.

She doesn't know what she wants.

But the guilt she felt cheating on him should give you a clear picture that she has WAY more feelings for him than she's letting on.

You're the back up plan I fear.

I could be wrong there, not sure but if she's going to have a breakup, let her do it on her own.

Right now, no contact. You both need to get your head straight.

Is she your whole world and happiness right now?

Please tell me you haven't given up your friends and built everything around her, all your plans and freetime? All her....?

Who have you become?

Remember who you were before you became the OM.

Focus on you.

And she isn't the only intelligent girl with things in common with you by the way.

Those things don't mean it was meant to be.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
True, happy love is not supposed to be like this. It sounds like you care about her. You need to muster the courage to break it off with her.

 

"This isnt' good for me, I really care for you. If you want to continue, I need you to do be single. If you're not willing to be single, then there's no reason to continue this."

 

Stand up for your rights and be a man. This kind of math doesn't make sense.

 

She has two men giving her everything and each of the men is getting half a woman.

 

Think about this. I know you're super attached, especially after sex. You want this relationship to start off on the right foot. A healthy one. How you get there, is breaking it off amicably.

 

If she loves and wants to be with you, she would make it happen. Don't compromise on your values as a valuable man.

 

Think about it. In the past, men have moved mountains, started wars, fought to the death, to be with the ones they loved.

 

She can't even end a relationship? Why would you want to be with someone so cowardly?

 

I know i'm talking badly of her. But deep down inside you can't contest what I'm saying.

 

My advice for you is to stop defending her, be a man, don't get further roped in along this, or it will lead to some serious heartache.

 

Another thing I want you to consider is, if the situation was so great, why are you in here posting? Obviously something is wrong. If the relationship can't even start off on the right foot, you won't be happy in the long run. You've got to see past the big picture and not just the post-first-time-sex guilt and goggles.

 

Find the courage to leave her - that's the only way you'll get the truth. No need to make it nasty. Transitioning is not good. She has to emotionally exit her relationship correctly if she wants to be with you.

 

You're absolutely right. Thank you, sincerely for posting something so well thought out and helpful. Yeah, something is definitely wrong. I feel terrible about myself and about everything that's happened. I very honestly told her that I wanted to be with her. I've been completely straight with her about everything and I deserve better. She is very cowardly. The other night when we were together she said to me, "I know I'm an idiot. Don't you think I see that? I have this amazing guy laying next to me who would do anything for me and I can't be brave enough to end my relationship. I don't know why."

 

I told her that maybe she still had feelings for her bf and if that was the case, that she should go work on that. She swore up and down that she was in love with me and felt that if she was going to be happy with me, she needed to figure out how to end things.

 

She claims that this guy is suicidal and she is afraid that he will end his life if she leaves him. However, based on what's happened this week (I'm still operating under the assumption that he knows she cheated or that she told him she wants to break up) it seems that he "left." Whatever that means.

 

How do I build the strength to do this, Fusion?

 

I would just stay no contact right now.

If she comes around be polite but strict that she needs to end things with him first to be with you.

After she ends things (I doubt she will) you still need to give her time to greive and move on from him.

She doesn't know what she wants.

But the guilt she felt cheating on him should give you a clear picture that she has WAY more feelings for him than she's letting on.

You're the back up plan I fear.

I could be wrong there, not sure but if she's going to have a breakup, let her do it on her own.

Right now, no contact. You both need to get your head straight.

Is she your whole world and happiness right now?

Please tell me you haven't given up your friends and built everything around her, all your plans and freetime? All her....?

Who have you become?

Remember who you were before you became the OM.

Focus on you.

And she isn't the only intelligent girl with things in common with you by the way.

Those things don't mean it was meant to be.

 

That's going to be hard...but I think I can do that. Yeah...I'm starting to suspect that she won't end things either. You might be right. Although, I have trouble understanding why she would stick around with all of the times I tried to let this end. I told her many times that if this was just about sex or boredom, that all she had to do was tell me.

 

You're right that she needs to figure things out on her own. She asked me for time to think and like an idiot, I confronted her about how I was struggling and what I was feeling.

 

No, I haven't made her my whole world. Admittedly, I spend a ton of time thinking about her and I'm getting consumed by this. I still have my own time to do what I want, I spend time with friends, keep up with my hobbies etc. The closer we got, she started becoming more central to my life (she texted me first thing every morning, talked to me every night, texted me throughout the day, was asking to spend more time together and go on actual dates). Things just felt like they were getting serious and like the two of us had an actual shot at a real relationship.

 

I'm not sure who I've become. Before we met, I was a confident single guy. I had gotten my life together post broken engagement, lost a ton of weight (boxing) and had undergone a total style change. I was even talking to several girls at once (for the first time in my life). I was in a really good place.

 

You're right. I know this sounds really immature, but we're scary similar. Everything seemed to fall right into place with her (life goals, philosophy, attitude, family, etc.). I'd never met anyone like her and it was a bit overwhelming.

 

I'm sure you're right. This one is going to hurt.

Link to post
Share on other sites

So you knew she had a boyfriend and decided to take the step towards sex and she went along with it...until she realized maybe she can't really be a cheater?

 

She sounds full of guilt and shame because of her behavior, and probably resents you because she doesn't want to 100% own her behavior.

 

I don't think this is going to go anywhere for you. I highly doubt she told the boyfriend, and it was pretty crass for her to discuss with you her sex life with him..and why would you want to hear it?

Link to post
Share on other sites
You're absolutely right. Thank you, sincerely for posting something so well thought out and helpful. Yeah, something is definitely wrong. I feel terrible about myself and about everything that's happened. I very honestly told her that I wanted to be with her. I've been completely straight with her about everything and I deserve better. She is very cowardly. The other night when we were together she said to me, "I know I'm an idiot. Don't you think I see that? I have this amazing guy laying next to me who would do anything for me and I can't be brave enough to end my relationship. I don't know why."

 

I told her that maybe she still had feelings for her bf and if that was the case, that she should go work on that. She swore up and down that she was in love with me and felt that if she was going to be happy with me, she needed to figure out how to end things.

 

She claims that this guy is suicidal and she is afraid that he will end his life if she leaves him. However, based on what's happened this week (I'm still operating under the assumption that he knows she cheated or that she told him she wants to break up) it seems that he "left." Whatever that means.

 

How do I build the strength to do this, Fusion?

 

Actually, yes she knows why she can't break it off. It's because she wants both.

So simple. So easy. It's selfish and greedy isn't it?

 

 

 

 

She claims that this guy is suicidal and she is afraid that he will end his life if she leaves him. However, based on what's happened this week (I'm still operating under the assumption that he knows she cheated or that she told him she wants to break up) it seems that he "left." Whatever that means.

 

How do I build the strength to do this, Fusion?

 

 

Not only is that guy's issues not your problem, you do NOT need to "help her out" with them. If she's a mature woman (which she is not, right now), you need to let her deal with him properly on her own.

 

How do you provide this for her? You leave her. Obviously you have gone through a lot of emotional turmoil, you have had a broken off engagement. You're emotionally vulnerable. Emotionally compromised. It sounds like you were so desperate to love again that you were willing to make the "piss-poor" decision to pursue this anyway.

 

You build the strength to do this by realizing that you yourself have some issues to address. You jumped straight from one emotionally charged situation (broken engagement) right into another even worse situation.

 

Perhaps you need to ask yourself some questions like "Why did I behave like this?" These kinds of valuable self-reflections cannot be done when you are in the emotional wormhole that is the OM.

 

Take a step back. Leave this girl to figure on emotions out. And you need to work on yourself. The whole situation is not emotionally healthy. How do you guys both get healthy? By being away from each other.

 

It's not gonna be easy, but it's the right thing to do.

 

I'll take the assumption that you genuinely care for this gal. That's great. You can show ultimately that you care by not "confusing" her any more by being involved with her. You leaving her will give her the best clarity. Say she chooses to stick with her boyfriend. Then she made the best decision for herself and her happiness. You will also know that she wasn't the right one for you.

 

It's gonna be really hard to separate from this toxic siutation. But I think there's a lot of hope for you since you feel bad about the whole situation. Make a solid commitment to end it and don't let her back unless she's single. COMMITMENT. Just because she doesn't understand a "committed relationship" doesn't mean you can be as ignorant as her.

 

If her bf is really as suicidal as she mentions, why would she cheat on him? Don't you think he would feel much worse being cheated on? Don't involve yourself any further. Let go of her in love.

 

I want you to challenge me. Give me any reason why you should continue this any further.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
So you knew she had a boyfriend and decided to take the step towards sex and she went along with it...until she realized maybe she can't really be a cheater?

 

She sounds full of guilt and shame because of her behavior, and probably resents you because she doesn't want to 100% own her behavior.

 

I don't think this is going to go anywhere for you. I highly doubt she told the boyfriend, and it was pretty crass for her to discuss with you her sex life with him..and why would you want to hear it?

 

Yeah, that's right. I know it wasn't the right thing to do. It ate at me for a while, but we all rationalize to get what we want at least once in our lives. I'm not proud of this...but I felt the way that I felt and you only live once.

 

You might be right. That's as good an explanation as any.

 

That's hard to hear, but I guess you're right. I don't think she was trying to be crass, although the way I told it I'm sure it sounded that way. She just started telling me about their stuff this week.

 

She said she did it, not with the intention of putting any of those problems on me, but rather to help me understand why she was having trouble leaving and the reasons that she wanted to leave in the first place.

 

Actually, yes she knows why she can't break it off. It's because she wants both.

So simple. So easy. It's selfish and greedy isn't it?

 

Yeah...I guess you're right. I've just been making excuses for her this whole time and believing the things that she was telling me. Aside from her behavior in this affair, she seemed like your typical "good girl." She said she had never cheated on anyone before and I believe her, because every escalation in physical intimacy was extremely difficult for her.

 

 

Not only is that guy's issues not your problem, you do NOT need to "help her out" with them. If she's a mature woman (which she is not, right now), you need to let her deal with him properly on her own.

 

How do you provide this for her? You leave her. Obviously you have gone through a lot of emotional turmoil, you have had a broken off engagement. You're emotionally vulnerable. Emotionally compromised. It sounds like you were so desperate to love again that you were willing to make the "piss-poor" decision to pursue this anyway.

 

You build the strength to do this by realizing that you yourself have some issues to address. You jumped straight from one emotionally charged situation (broken engagement) right into another even worse situation.

 

Perhaps you need to ask yourself some questions like "Why did I behave like this?" These kinds of valuable self-reflections cannot be done when you are in the emotional wormhole that is the OM.

 

Take a step back. Leave this girl to figure on emotions out. And you need to work on yourself. The whole situation is not emotionally healthy. How do you guys both get healthy? By being away from each other.

 

It's not gonna be easy, but it's the right thing to do.

 

I'll take the assumption that you genuinely care for this gal. That's great. You can show ultimately that you care by not "confusing" her any more by being involved with her. You leaving her will give her the best clarity. Say she chooses to stick with her boyfriend. Then she made the best decision for herself and her happiness. You will also know that she wasn't the right one for you.

 

It's gonna be really hard to separate from this toxic siutation. But I think there's a lot of hope for you since you feel bad about the whole situation. Make a solid commitment to end it and don't let her back unless she's single. COMMITMENT. Just because she doesn't understand a "committed relationship" doesn't mean you can be as ignorant as her.

 

If her bf is really as suicidal as she mentions, why would she cheat on him? Don't you think he would feel much worse being cheated on? Don't involve yourself any further. Let go of her in love.

 

I want you to challenge me. Give me any reason why you should continue this any further.

 

I wish I had a logical argument to challenge you with, but I don't. I can only say that I fell for this girl and that it's going to be extremely painful for me to let this go. Believe me, if I was thinking rationally I would never have gotten into this mess...

 

I think you're partially right. I was a little desperate to get back into dating and I thought having fun with a girl in a relationship was harmless. However, I hope that you can sympathize with the fact that I was not planning to fall in love. It just kind of happened. When I met this girl, every other girl I was talking to became a non-factor for me. I also just felt as if though I had gotten healthy enough that I wasn't going to let my ex have any more power over my life. After all...she had moved on, so why shouldn't I have started to date casually?

 

Sadly, however, you're right. She's being very immature and she obviously didn't/doesn't feel the same about me or she would've left her boyfriend by now. Even if they did split, she seems pretty torn up about it. Which I suppose tells me enough.

 

I'm a fool...:(

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Yeah, that's right. I know it wasn't the right thing to do. It ate at me for a while, but we all rationalize to get what we want at least once in our lives. I'm not proud of this...but I felt the way that I felt and you only live once.

 

You might be right. That's as good an explanation as any.

 

That's hard to hear, but I guess you're right. I don't think she was trying to be crass, although the way I told it I'm sure it sounded that way. She just started telling me about their stuff this week.

 

She said she did it, not with the intention of putting any of those problems on me, but rather to help me understand why she was having trouble leaving and the reasons that she wanted to leave in the first place.

 

 

 

Yeah...I guess you're right. I've just been making excuses for her this whole time and believing the things that she was telling me. Aside from her behavior in this affair, she seemed like your typical "good girl." She said she had never cheated on anyone before and I believe her, because every escalation in physical intimacy was extremely difficult for her.

 

 

 

 

I wish I had a logical argument to challenge you with, but I don't. I can only say that I fell for this girl and that it's going to be extremely painful for me to let this go. Believe me, if I was thinking rationally I would never have gotten into this mess...

 

I think you're partially right. I was a little desperate to get back into dating and I thought having fun with a girl in a relationship was harmless. However, I hope that you can sympathize with the fact that I was not planning to fall in love. It just kind of happened. When I met this girl, every other girl I was talking to became a non-factor for me. I also just felt as if though I had gotten healthy enough that I wasn't going to let my ex have any more power over my life. After all...she had moved on, so why shouldn't I have started to date casually?

 

Sadly, however, you're right. She's being very immature and she obviously didn't/doesn't feel the same about me or she would've left her boyfriend by now. Even if they did split, she seems pretty torn up about it. Which I suppose tells me enough.

 

I'm a fool...:(

 

Yes. Sometimes love just happens. And when it happens, it's a beautiful thing, if its between two people that are available for each other.

 

This thing has kind of run its course if you are feeling at this point. If you truly love her, you will see the best thing you can do for her and yourself is to let her go. It will take a few tries but as long as you know its the right thing to do, you will do it. Once you gather the strength to leave, you will leave.

 

It will be tough, but how do you want to sleep at night? How do you want to live? The feelings you felt with this gal do exist and can exist with someone who is so emotionally available.

 

Try to imagine yourself between "torn" two girls. If you were compassionate about both of them, you wouldn't keep both of them selfishly. If you were truly unhappy with your girlfriend and found someone amazing, why would you hesitate for so long?

 

Let go in love. Stop fighting with yourself and emotionally struggling. It's super cheesy, but if its meant to be, it will come back to you.

 

You don't find out if its meant to be by continuing to stay in this, because it will just remain this way. For almost forever. And you will just hurt more and more.

 

"This isn't good for me. Call me if you leave him. Good luck."

 

That's the way to recovery from this.

Edited by FusionCutter
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Yes. Sometimes love just happens. And when it happens, it's a beautiful thing, if its between two people that are available for each other.

 

This thing has kind of run its course if you are feeling at this point. If you truly love her, you will see the best thing you can do for her and yourself is to let her go. It will take a few tries but as long as you know its the right thing to do, you will do it. Once you gather the strength to leave, you will leave.

 

It will be tough, but how do you want to sleep at night? How do you want to live? The feelings you felt with this gal do exist and can exist with someone who is so emotionally available.

 

Try to imagine yourself between "torn" two girls. If you were compassionate about both of them, you wouldn't keep both of them selfishly. If you were truly unhappy with your girlfriend and found someone amazing, why would you hesitate for so long?

 

Let go in love. Stop fighting with yourself and emotionally struggling. It's super cheesy, but if its meant to be, it will come back to you.

 

You don't find out if its meant to be by continuing to stay in this, because it will just remain this way. For almost forever. And you will just hurt more and more.

 

"This isn't good for me. Call me if you leave him. Good luck."

 

That's the way to recovery from this.

 

She has ceased all communication...so I'm not sure it really matters. Guess I won't have to do any of this.

 

In any case, thank you for your advice. I really appreciate all of your help.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
She has ceased all communication...so I'm not sure it really matters. Guess I won't have to do any of this.

 

In any case, thank you for your advice. I really appreciate all of your help.

 

There may be a chance she will try and make contact. If you're weak you will be in the same position all over again. Remember your core values and what you want to be about. This is really gonna hurt so hang in there. Because you at the most important person in your life. Not her. Take care of yourself and good luck with the coping.

 

Good luck and people are always around to help you or listen to your thoughts.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
There may be a chance she will try and make contact. If you're weak you will be in the same position all over again. Remember your core values and what you want to be about. This is really gonna hurt so hang in there. Because you at the most important person in your life. Not her. Take care of yourself and good luck with the coping.

 

Good luck and people are always around to help you or listen to your thoughts.

 

Thanks Fusion. I was planning on ending things with her in person today, but since she avoided me I can only assume that she's done with things.

 

In all honesty, I suppose it doesn't matter. I tried making this choice on Saturday and she got very angry with me. It was over text and so she was understandably pissed, but I suppose if her feeling like she ended things makes her feel better I don't mind letting her have that.

 

It was weird, I was super relieved when she didn't show up at our usual lunch spot (we work together).

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I can't stop thinking about why...it's been a week since we slept together. She has been cold since and she hasn't communicated with me in a couple of days and I'm feeling really weak and desperate. I have all kinds of questions about how she could just shut me out all of a sudden after everything she said. I feel like breaking down while at work. I'm tired and unfocused. Low on energy.

 

I understand that compared to many other scenarios here on the boards this is nothing...but please understand that this is tearing me up. Any helpful thoughts or words of support based on the information I've given would be immensely helpful. Thank you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I can't stop thinking about why...it's been a week since we slept together. She has been cold since and she hasn't communicated with me in a couple of days and I'm feeling really weak and desperate. I have all kinds of questions about how she could just shut me out all of a sudden after everything she said. I feel like breaking down while at work. I'm tired and unfocused. Low on energy.

 

I understand that compared to many other scenarios here on the boards this is nothing...but please understand that this is tearing me up. Any helpful thoughts or words of support based on the information I've given would be immensely helpful. Thank you.

 

These are symptoms of withdrawal. It will be really tough for weeks. You gotta hang in there to fight this. Unhealthy relationships will do this to people. An affair is an unhealthy relationship.

 

Nothing anyone can say really will help you through your pain except that it is almost universally agreed that enduring NC is how to fix this.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
These are symptoms of withdrawal. It will be really tough for weeks. You gotta hang in there to fight this. Unhealthy relationships will do this to people. An affair is an unhealthy relationship.

 

Nothing anyone can say really will help you through your pain except that it is almost universally agreed that enduring NC is how to fix this.

 

So not even a text...right? The right thing to do here is to just stay quiet?

 

Ugh. So many things that I want to say and clarify. Not to get her back, but just to be able to say goodbye. I don't want there to be a misconception that I deserted her after sex.

 

She just asked for time...man this is a freaking mess.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...