In a long term relationship but having an affair...which I think is over...

[bubble77]

For me it's confession time as so far I haven't told a soul. For the last 10 months I've been having an affair with a single male friend. I was at a very low ebb...my partner has long standing issues with prescription drug addiction and I'd experienced a miscarriage a couple of months before. My AP is ten years younger than me and showered me with the attention I very much seemed to need.

 

There was months of build up even to the first kiss. When we finally did it was amazing...I hadn't been kissed with so much want/need/passion in the best part of 20 years! We insisted we'd prioritise our friendship and I always said we wouldn't 'plan' meet ups as it made me feel too guilty...but like most intentions this slipped over several months and we have been having infrequent but amazing sex for around six months, managing a night in a hotel and a whole day out a few weeks ago.

 

I love my partner but his lack of support and years of lies about the drugs got to me much more than I thought. My AP has opened my eyes to excitement and passion...but, the fly in the ointment is that over the last few weeks I've felt him slipping away. It's always me initiating contact and I don't know if it's my imagination but I feel a certain 'coolness' from him. I'm not asking for sympathy but I'm devastated. I feel physically ill and lost without him. I want to talk to him but it would perhaps look as though I'm chasing him. I don't know if he's just got tired of waiting around for me.

 

I'm undecided on so many things and feel so lost. I sometimes hate myself and am struggling to cope. I've experienced so much loss in terms of family bereavement in the last couple of years and tbh I think my AP provided a sort of 'lovely escape' from my problems...well, until lately that is...

 

I'm kind of stabbing in the dark at the moment...does anyone have any advice or tips please? The pain of all this just feels awful.

 

PS. I know what I'm doing is wrong.

[Friskyone4u]

Well until your boyfriend breaks his addiction to drugs, nothing will change. You will find another affair partner once this one is over if that really true. The big question is, do you want to remain with your boyfriend or continue to have sex with other men on the side . Only you can answer that one. But you need to make up your mind.

If you want to repair your relationship confess to your boyfriend, tell hi exactly why it occurred, and tell him what you need from him. Do not blame it on him. He owns 50% of the problems but you own 100%!of the decision to have sex and betray him as a remedy.

If you don't tell him and your AP sticks around you will lose your relationship when he catches you

[bubble77]

Thank you for your views Frisky. Tbh I didn't look at having an affair as a solution. I'm aware that it's a cop out to say that 'it just happened' but it feels like it did. It grew slowly...I wasn't thinking straight and when the fog of grief started to lift it felt like I woke up and realised how 'in deep' I'd become. When I'm with my AP it's like problems/time/the world/everything is suspended. I guess I thought I could compartmentalise the affair but it's effects are now leaking out uncontrollably into the rest of my life. I fear I've become very emotionally reliant on my AP...it's very seductive to have all that attention...to be told you're amazing or beautiful, especially when you're at a low ebb and feel like everything you touch turns to dust.

 

Again, I'm very aware of the mess I've made. I just miss my AP so badly it hurts. Head says go for NC but heart just can't seem to let go...we were such good friends before.

[jellybean89]

You seem to imply that the affair wasn't a planned out decision, yet it was. You even made ground rules, which you broke. So your eyes were wide open when you made the choices you did.

 

The friendship is pretty much over. You crossed a boundary that you can't u cross, especially since ou became emotionally involved.

 

Yes, we all head his "amazing" the sex is...standard lines in a affair. Add the secrecy, the sneaking around/forbidden aspects, and boom..."amazing" sex.

 

Your boyfriends addiction is real, not like what so many erroneously reference about an affair (it's like a drug addiction). Substance abuse addiction is NOTHiNG like an affair. He needs help and you can't fix him. He has to make the changes and get into treatment. But that's a separate issue from your cheating.

 

Seems like the MM is not as into you as you are to him or the affair has run it's course. Affairs end. You need to make a choice - stay with BF or go. Playing around with the OM and boyfriends heart and mind is so cruel. Doesn't matter to me what you do, but you are screwing around with several peoples lives because some guy said you were awesome, and you let him into your bed.

 

The fact that you are chasing him also shows to me that he isn't invested, except for the physical part. Almost sounds like you are a booth call..is that what you want?

 

Fix your life. Make decisions on the boyfriend and the OM.

[Scarlet2]

There could be things going on in the OM's life that you don't know about and hasn't told you yet. The pulling away might not be you, only he knows. I say just go back to how it was in the beginning and treat him like your other friends, limit your contact, slow it down and see if he comes back. I know it's hard and it hurts.

 

As for who you should choose, does your boyfriend make you ill when he withdrawals, does it make you want to cling to him, no it makes you go find someone else. You're OM is withdrawing, it's not making you find someone else, you're fighting to keep him in your life. I would let the boyfriend go.

[bubble77]

Thank you Jellybean and Scarlet for your replies. I feel that I must reiterate that I do not like what I have done/am doing...it's not lost on me that my behaviour has been wrong and that it constitutes a cruel act. What I've been looking for (thank you Scarlet) is practical advice. My life was an absolute mess and mentally I didn't know if I was coming or going...I was weak and succumbed to the charms of this man who made me feel good about myself for the first time in years. Before anyone accuses me of being sad/needy/pathetic. ..I know that already, I know it's a mess, but it's the practical stuff I feel like I'm here for...trust me, I beat myself up more than anyone in here could.

 

I have decisions to make, not to mention a great many repairs. My last long term relationship also involved a person with addictions (well hidden under a professional veneer just like this one) and I think when I discovered I was having the same thing happen again I just fell apart. OM sort of picked me up I guess...now he's not as present it's left me with all the original issues which I can't bury under the rush of romance...

[MuddyRock]

You are doing to your boyfriend exactly what he is doing to you. Only your drug is affair brain chemicals. Maybe you will have a bit more sympathy for your boyfriends addiction.

If you don't like your boyfriends drug abuse then leave. Don't continue an affair.

[bubble77]

Thank you Muddyrock, I have at times pondered this myself as it does in some respects feel like an addiction. Believe me, I've given sympathy and support in spades but it was the deception and lies over a period of years which wore it away. I'm not saying anyone else should feel this way but after my miscarriage I just felt like a totally useless human being. I was devasted and felt like I wasn't particularly supported. ..then there was my friend being completely lovely and supportive...it was 'easy' to go there in some ways as it felt comforting.

[MuddyRock]

Then why do you stay? Don't become him. Because you are allowing yourself to. Is that the kind of person YOU want to become?

[bubble77]

On short, I do love him...we had been friends since university. Our lives are very enmeshed...a house...pets etc. To an outsider we look pretty sound I guess, nice house, both have good careers...good mutual friends, similar world view and interests...no one would guess that I'm the sort of woman who does this sort of thing...I'm all about cooking, baking, arts and crafts...similarly no one would guess his issues...incredibly bright, good looking, nice family background etc. I suppose we're both doing a little 'hiding'.

[FusionCutter]

On short, I do love him...we had been friends since university. Our lives are very enmeshed...a house...pets etc. To an outsider we look pretty sound I guess, nice house, both have good careers...good mutual friends, similar world view and interests...no one would guess that I'm the sort of woman who does this sort of thing...I'm all about cooking, baking, arts and crafts...similarly no one would guess his issues...incredibly bright, good looking, nice family background etc. I suppose we're both doing a little 'hiding'.

 

I was in your same position as a single OM. Let me provide you my point of view.

 

All you have to do is make a solid decision and STICK WITH IT. The decision is not between the two men.

 

It's a battle with yourself. Do you want to live like this? You already mention what you're doing is wrong.

 

You are hurting two people as well as yourself, and the best way to stop it is to end the affair and face your problems dead on. Stop hiding. It's time to stop hurting people, including yourself.

 

For me it's confession time as so far I haven't told a soul. For the last 10 months I've been having an affair with a single male friend. I was at a very low ebb...my partner has long standing issues with prescription drug addiction and I'd experienced a miscarriage a couple of months before. My AP is ten years younger than me and showered me with the attention I very much seemed to need.

 

There was months of build up even to the first kiss. When we finally did it was amazing...I hadn't been kissed with so much want/need/passion in the best part of 20 years! We insisted we'd prioritise our friendship and I always said we wouldn't 'plan' meet ups as it made me feel too guilty...but like most intentions this slipped over several months and we have been having infrequent but amazing sex for around six months, managing a night in a hotel and a whole day out a few weeks ago.

 

I love my partner but his lack of support and years of lies about the drugs got to me much more than I thought. My AP has opened my eyes to excitement and passion...but, the fly in the ointment is that over the last few weeks I've felt him slipping away. It's always me initiating contact and I don't know if it's my imagination but I feel a certain 'coolness' from him. I'm not asking for sympathy but I'm devastated. I feel physically ill and lost without him. I want to talk to him but it would perhaps look as though I'm chasing him. I don't know if he's just got tired of waiting around for me.

 

I'm undecided on so many things and feel so lost. I sometimes hate myself and am struggling to cope. I've experienced so much loss in terms of family bereavement in the last couple of years and tbh I think my AP provided a sort of 'lovely escape' from my problems...well, until lately that is...

 

I'm kind of stabbing in the dark at the moment...does anyone have any advice or tips please? The pain of all this just feels awful.

 

PS. I know what I'm doing is wrong.

 

So your partners lies hurt you. Can you see you are just like your partner now, by living a lie? Live authentically. Give up this affair, because in the end, if your OM falls in love with you, you will be torturing him, and if your partner finds out, he will be tortured too. You're hurting your partner and he doesn't even know it yet.

 

And you mention the pain you feel is awful. Do you want to live like this? Is this what love and life is supposed to be like? Secrecy, highs, lows, rollercoaster, pain, deception, lies?

 

If you step back and really assess the situation as objectively as you can, I think you come to the conclusion its not a good way to live.

Edited November 9, 2014 by FusionCutter

[bubble77]

Many thanks FusionCutter, I appreciate you taking the time to consider my situation. You're right, I'm hurting two men and myself...and no, this isn't what life and love is supposed to be. I think I was idealistic about love, a real dreamer, yet I've spent 18 years (11 years with my ex and 7 years with my current partner) in situations where I feel that authentic love is squashed and killed off by the fact that I end up in 'rescuer' position. I'd just like to be with a decent, comfortable in his own skin man, with no issues with addiction who has his life together. I had no clue what a tall order this would be. Maybe it's bad luck, maybe I've been too forgiving...I don't know...but I do know I've become very resentful and perhaps less tolerant of problems.

 

I have been interested and grateful in the opinions and 'tough love' I've heard here. I'm terrified of the future as I get so frightened of making the wrong choices but I think perhaps I do just need to look at it as you say: it's no way to live. It isn't, it's horrible.

[bubble77]

Well, I've had a think and although I still have lots to consider I have decided to send an email to OM. He's a very good friend and I don't want to lose him but I reckon that the only way I may not lose him in the long term is to go NC for at least a period of time. I'm thinking that I want to apologise to him but am a bit lost on the finer details. I want him to know that he and his happiness are important to me and that l care about him deeply but in a manner that doesn't create further potential issues for him.

 

Does anyone have any advice in this respect please, I'd really appreciate it as I've not been in this position before and I want to start working on 'righting the wrongs'.

 

Thanks in advance x

[emy99]

i think ir right

[herself]

Well, I've had a think and although I still have lots to consider I have decided to send an email to OM. He's a very good friend and I don't want to lose him but I reckon that the only way I may not lose him in the long term is to go NC for at least a period of time. I'm thinking that I want to apologise to him but am a bit lost on the finer details. I want him to know that he and his happiness are important to me and that l care about him deeply but in a manner that doesn't create further potential issues for him.

 

Does anyone have any advice in this respect please, I'd really appreciate it as I've not been in this position before and I want to start working on 'righting the wrongs'.

 

Thanks in advance x

Apologize to him for what? No!

If anything he went cool...he scratched an itch with you and then pulled back.

He is not initiating or contacting...now your going to apologize?

No no no.

I think reality set in. The buildup, sex, overnights, sneaking around...but then reality sets in.

Reality is far less sexy. He may feel guilt and feel it went too far.

He may have wanted a quick fling.

Here's what pulling back and going cold on a girl who loves you does to her...it lowers her self esteem and causes great pain.

It makes her think its HER thats being rejected...and she starts to blame herself, want to change herself, find that same feeling from him again.

He may come around hot and heavy and wanting you...but for whatever reason he will do that same pulling back game again and again and each time your self esteem will suffer more.

So...even if the affair isnt over...let it be over, make it be over, let it die a slow death, or rather a quick one...take a bath if you need alone time and cry. Get it out. Grieve. But just be done.

It was 10 months...breif...and its gonna take time but its gonna heal.

As for your friend right now there can be nc and you dont need to announce that. Just block phone and email and social media.

A friend doesn't go cold om another.

He doesn't pull away without explaining.

He cares to have the hard conversation with you.

Sex destroys friendships, but right now you have bigger fish to fry than losing a friend...you are going to rehab you. Your gonna make it.

[bubble77]

Thank you Herself, you've given me some things to think about. I think the reason that I feel a strong need to apologise is that at the beginning it was all sweet and romantic...he confessed to having liked me as more than a friend for over a year and was so happy that we'd kissed. He would really pester me to meet and I would hold back out of guilt...I think him holding back is possibly what I'd do too if I felt like the person I liked wasn't going to leave their partner. I think in the initial months he thought I'd leave my partner for him...then I didn't...now he's holding back.

 

He held back for a while a few months ago and I told him it felt like I was always chasing him. He said that he was there if I wanted him but he wouldn't take the lead. His exact words were: "I'll be led, but I won't lead". I know he could have said this for many different reasons but due to other convos we've had I think he almost wants me to prove to him that I want him?

[Survivor12]

What he wants is to not be involved with someone who is cheating on their bf.

 

So, unless you plan to end your current relationship, there is nothing left to say. To say you're sorry is disingenuous. If you were truly sorry, you would have broken up with your bf. Instead, you have chosen to stay with him...so why would you apologize for your decision? Also, since the other guy has chosen to back off, why would you make it harder on him by reaching out & giving him false hope?

 

Instead of thinking only about how you feel, try to think about how both of the guys are feeling. How would you feel if your bf were cheating on you? How would you feel if some guy was cheating on his gf with you but you knew he had no intention of leaving her?

 

Frankly, the best thing you could do for all three of you is to end both relationships so you CAN have time to think about what it is you are really looking for in a relationship & what you have to offer.

[bubble77]

Dear Survivor, thank you for your reply. I appreciate you taking the time. I also appreciate that from an outsiders view what this looks like. Trust me, you can't beat me up or berate me anymore than I've already done. I know I've done wrong and hence I have a need to apologise for the mess I've made and to start putting things right. It's early days but I want to make things as right as I can. I want to live differently and take responsibility.

 

If only everything were as simple and easy as many people make it out to be. If things were easy these forums wouldn't even exist. This behaviour is out of character for me, I don't like it and I want to fix things. I'm happy that people are taking time to add their views but please people, don't make the assumption that I either don't care or that I haven't considered all the hurt and pain (known and unknown) that I've caused. I sometimes think of little else.

 

I've been hurt in many ways too...so comments like "think how you'd feel if..." make assumptions that I've not suffered at the hands of others, trust me I have.

 

I must reiterate, I know the actions I've taken are wrong, I'm just considering all possible practical solutions. Thank you all x

[DKT3]

Dear Survivor, thank you for your reply. I appreciate you taking the time. I also appreciate that from an outsiders view what this looks like. Trust me, you can't beat me up or berate me anymore than I've already done. I know I've done wrong and hence I have a need to apologise for the mess I've made and to start putting things right. It's early days but I want to make things as right as I can. I want to live differently and take responsibility.

 

If only everything were as simple and easy as many people make it out to be. If things were easy these forums wouldn't even exist. This behaviour is out of character for me, I don't like it and I want to fix things. I'm happy that people are taking time to add their views but please people, don't make the assumption that I either don't care or that I haven't considered all the hurt and pain (known and unknown) that I've caused. I sometimes think of little else.

 

I've been hurt in many ways too...so comments like "think how you'd feel if..." make assumptions that I've not suffered at the hands of others, trust me I have.

 

I must reiterate, I know the actions I've taken are wrong, I'm just considering all possible practical solutions. Thank you all x

 

These situations are difficult because the people who create them are selfish. The practical solution would be to tell the LTR guy your having an affair and allowing him to decide for himself if its something he can or wants to deal with, or end it with AP. Its hard because you don't want to risk not having either one of them.

 

You can't be friends with your AP ever, as long as you remain in this relationship. Which by the way is really just an excuse to stay engaged and keep him around as an options.

[bubble77]

Hi DTK3, I would love the world to be so black and white with no grey areas. Yes, i know my actions have been selfish (not sure how many more times I have to say this), but it is just that: a selfish act. I believe that I was quite mentally ill when all this started and I acted out of character...I'd lost a baby and felt unsupported...not to mention that I just felt like a useleas human being. I beat myself up constantly and spent a long time feeling like less of a woman....all the while trying to deal with my partner and his issues with addiction. I clung to anything that made me feel better and became quite fatalistic. ..I considered suicide at one stage (prior to the affair) as I was struggling to cope with numerous bereavements and the miscarriage. Then there he was...I can't lie, it did make me feel a little more alive when all I saw around me was death. It hasn't stopped either...I buried my grandma last week and my uncle a few weeks before that...I'm lonely and my family is shrinking fast. So please, before anyone else judges me, I'm not some heartless scarlet woman who 'puts it about' with anyone who asks...nor do I not care. I was sad, lonely and the shoulder to cry on (I was his shoulder too) got way out of hand. I just want to get things right going forward.

[velvette]

Hi DTK3, I would love the world to be so black and white with no grey areas. Yes, i know my actions have been selfish (not sure how many more times I have to say this), but it is just that: a selfish act. I believe that I was quite mentally ill when all this started and I acted out of character...I'd lost a baby and felt unsupported...not to mention that I just felt like a useleas human being. I beat myself up constantly and spent a long time feeling like less of a woman....all the while trying to deal with my partner and his issues with addiction. I clung to anything that made me feel better and became quite fatalistic. ..I considered suicide at one stage (prior to the affair) as I was struggling to cope with numerous bereavements and the miscarriage. Then there he was...I can't lie, it did make me feel a little more alive when all I saw around me was death. It hasn't stopped either...I buried my grandma last week and my uncle a few weeks before that...I'm lonely and my family is shrinking fast. So please, before anyone else judges me, I'm not some heartless scarlet woman who 'puts it about' with anyone who asks...nor do I not care. I was sad, lonely and the shoulder to cry on (I was his shoulder too) got way out of hand. I just want to get things right going forward.

 

 

When things go grey, its usually because we are ignoring the black and white solutions to our problems.

 

 

I'm sorry you have had so many losses in your life. That's a hard thing to deal with. But, you are making it even harder on yourself by choosing the wrong ways to deal.

 

 

A therapist or a bereavement support group would be much healthier choices and help you deal with these issues.

 

 

It sounds like you need to give your BF an ultimatum. Deal with his issues or end your R. You need to deal with the fact that you have chosen two partners with this issue....preferably in therapy. Until you do that, its really unwise for you to be choosing someone else to be in a R with.

 

 

Stop being a rescuer to other people and looking to men to make you feel better about your life. Rescue yourself, become strong within yourself and you will be much happier.

 

 

Decide what you want your life to look like and then take steps to make that happen.

[DKT3]

Hi DTK3, I would love the world to be so black and white with no grey areas. Yes, i know my actions have been selfish (not sure how many more times I have to say this), but it is just that: a selfish act. I believe that I was quite mentally ill when all this started and I acted out of character...I'd lost a baby and felt unsupported...not to mention that I just felt like a useleas human being. I beat myself up constantly and spent a long time feeling like less of a woman....all the while trying to deal with my partner and his issues with addiction. I clung to anything that made me feel better and became quite fatalistic. ..I considered suicide at one stage (prior to the affair) as I was struggling to cope with numerous bereavements and the miscarriage. Then there he was...I can't lie, it did make me feel a little more alive when all I saw around me was death. It hasn't stopped either...I buried my grandma last week and my uncle a few weeks before that...I'm lonely and my family is shrinking fast. So please, before anyone else judges me, I'm not some heartless scarlet woman who 'puts it about' with anyone who asks...nor do I not care. I was sad, lonely and the shoulder to cry on (I was his shoulder too) got way out of hand. I just want to get things right going forward.

 

I'm sorry for your hardships. Its no judgement on my part.

 

The thing is, these things are black and white, its those that can't accept that who live in grey. It comes down to being honest and brave. Going along cowardly causes so much more pain in the long run.

 

My comments before is really about your current state and not what lead you to this point. RIGHT NOW is when you have to be brave and honest. Ask yourself is this relationship with you partner is one in which you are happy, be honest, then be brave. I sense that what your really facing is fear, fear of ending a long term relationship, fear that ending it will also change the dynamic of the affair. So you do nothing but attempt to maintain the status quo. Its something that is clearly giving you a great deal of trouble. Its solves nothing, nor does it get you any closer to being healthy, or doing what's best for those involved.

[bubble77]

Thank you Velvette, everything you've said makes good and sensible sense. Also, thank you for not tearing me apart.

 

You're right in the fact that my choices have made my situation worse. My first LTR of 11 years resulted in me losing everything. I ended up homeless and in debt with nothing apart from my job (thank god). I fished my own way out of that and my second LTR (current - 7 years) seemed so different, bright, kind, no issues (that I could see), lovely...just the kind of guy you take home to meet your parents. I felt like I'd turned a corner and was finally making good choices...so imagine my shock when three years in I discovered his secret addiction. I started to feel like I was failing at life and that I must be very stupid to end up in such a situation twice. I started to shut down...I ignored it for a long time.

 

Then around a year later people started dying. I've not had a break from it...there's one every few months...often unexpected too. Then last year despite being told I was infertile many years before I fell pregnant. My partner was horrified. He didn't want to be a parent and I feared I'd end up alone. I was shocked but started to think of it as a miracle...I thought that after all the death and tragedy that the supposedly infertile 'me' would finally have some good news. My partner had just started to come around to the idea when I miscarried.

 

I went into a deep depression and wasn't giving my all at work leading to issues there too as I'd kept many of my issues private. I can't say it hasn't been hard.

 

I agree that I probably need to attend counselling as I'm harbouring a lot of resentment I think. I do tend to 'pull the pin out of the grenade' at the worst times too. It's like I throw the cards in the air and start thinking that nothing matters.

[velvette]

Thank you Velvette, everything you've said makes good and sensible sense. Also, thank you for not tearing me apart.

 

You're right in the fact that my choices have made my situation worse. My first LTR of 11 years resulted in me losing everything. I ended up homeless and in debt with nothing apart from my job (thank god). I fished my own way out of that and my second LTR (current - 7 years) seemed so different, bright, kind, no issues (that I could see), lovely...just the kind of guy you take home to meet your parents. I felt like I'd turned a corner and was finally making good choices...so imagine my shock when three years in I discovered his secret addiction. I started to feel like I was failing at life and that I must be very stupid to end up in such a situation twice. I started to shut down...I ignored it for a long time.

 

Then around a year later people started dying. I've not had a break from it...there's one every few months...often unexpected too. Then last year despite being told I was infertile many years before I fell pregnant. My partner was horrified. He didn't want to be a parent and I feared I'd end up alone. I was shocked but started to think of it as a miracle...I thought that after all the death and tragedy that the supposedly infertile 'me' would finally have some good news. My partner had just started to come around to the idea when I miscarried.

 

I went into a deep depression and wasn't giving my all at work leading to issues there too as I'd kept many of my issues private. I can't say it hasn't been hard.

 

I agree that I probably need to attend counselling as I'm harbouring a lot of resentment I think. I do tend to 'pull the pin out of the grenade' at the worst times too. It's like I throw the cards in the air and start thinking that nothing matters.

 

 

Sounds like you have been through a lot. Why not call a counselor today and make an appointment. Find someone who can help you sort everything out.

[Lovebug66]

Hi bubbles,

 

Let me say right off the bat that I haven't read all the replies yet and I apologize if I missed something. My finger was quick on the reply button trigger

 

I don't have any experience as an OW, so I can't help you a lot there. I have TONS of experience with a pill addict, so that is what I'm going to focus on.

 

My H and I have been together 15 years. His brother died of a heroin OD about 6 months into our relationship. He turned all that anger inside of himself and what used to be "partying" turned into total self destruction. Being the loving gf I was, I thought I needed to help him thru this horrible thing, and I rationalized that all his drinking and drug use was a typical reaction to is grief. This would pass, I would be there for him, then life would return to what it was before, which was a great relationship I thought. He found pills, that perfect high he had been searching for, and the longer he used, the more screwed up everything got.

 

I kept living in his world of lies and wanted desperately to believe him, and help him. Look up the term gaslighting. We aren't dumb, we've been driven slightly crazy and can't believe and see reality. I married him after 7 years, I loved him. Because of the constant gaslighting I had no idea how bad things were. I got pregnant within a couple months since we had always wanted kids (and I got pregnant on the first try, kinda crazy). I'm not going to get into everything I found out about 3 months into my pregnancy, looking back I don't know how all that stress and distress didn't cause a miscarriage. But I know what you are going thru with your bf, been there and done that.

 

You cannot save him. As long as he is using, the support you give him he will see as enabling his addiction. Of course I'm not in your mind so I can't say for sure, but your A sounds like one of (I'm sure) many coping mechanisms you have used. Or maybe it is a passive aggressive bargaining chip you are throwing out there. I did tons of stuff like that where my thinking was "THIS will make him see how he is destroying our lives". Once that one didn't work, I'd up the ante to something bigger. I'm sure I could have very well ended up in an A, that would have showed him. In my support group, you would be shocked to find out how many people have cheated. A lot of it is because we have become so desperate and unhealthy we turn against our morals. I didn't cheat, but I certainly was not living by my morals.

 

My biggest suggestion to you, look up AlAnon or NarAnon. I thought no one could ever imagine what I was going thru, and once I walked in I couldn't believe everyone was telling my story. There are of course small differences, but the underlying feelings are the same. I saw that your last relationship was with someone who needed "fixing" too. That suggests to me that you may be codependent. Codependents aren't bad people. We have really big hearts and just want to help but it destroys us in the process because we choose to try and help people who don't want it. Your bf may say he wants it to keep you sucked in, but what are his actions? The book Codependent No More may really help you.

 

I can't tell you the number of things I did to try and get my H to wake the eff up. The only thing that worked was me drawing the line in the sand and saying I refuse to live like this anymore, and I didn't buy into his threats or pity parties or whatever else he threw at me. I have no doubt that your OM is filling something you need right now. I know how lonely it is. You seem to know this isn't healthy tho and I can hear too the guilt you are feeling. This is a temporary solution to a much bigger problem. OM may be the greatest guy in the world, I don't know. Even if he is, you are not ready for this. If he is a good guy, he will understand that you need to get your own life in order before you can be a healthy contributor to your relationship. I hope you will consider that

 

Big hugs to you ❤ Sorry for the novel