Those who ended affair... (Updated)

[hello234]

So what was that one trigger, that one breaking point (if any) that made u un attracted to and turned OFF by MM and started to help u forget about him and get over him?

Was it an instant change of character u saw in him after, maybe say, his wife found out? Was it the way he treated you after awhile of having fun and then getting bored? Was he a traitor? Did he say one thing, and then actions reflected something diff? So what was that disgusting image or notion of MM that u portrayed in ur mind that helped u get through the affair and over him?

 

I constantly everyday find myself continuously being attracted to MM, in the way he talks, his confidence, his soft character..I thought like, OK, I am instead going to turn to my husband and see the good qualities in him, but of course our husbands we see at home all the time, and not always the "charming" or attractive side of them.. we see them sitting in their underwear in front of the TV...So its harddddd!! am trying to find that one "trigger" that will help me switch off my feelings and attraction for MM... It happened before with Ex BFs where as time went by I realize I do not desire them as much as I used to.. not sure if it was time that did it.. Ugh.. I am just frustrated... Thoughts?

[Decisiontomake]

For me it was a combination of things but I would guess the final straw for me was he reached out to tell me he was missing me (after we had been going through LC and had said we needed to stop, about which we had had NUMEROUS conversations and attempts!), and so I comforted him via email, expressing sympathy for his pain etc. His response to that - 3 days later - was to say it was a moment of weakness on his part to have reached out and that he shouldn't have done it, followed by another email saying he really missed me! So I closed down my email account that instance - didn't want to be on his roller coaster anymore.

 

 

The other ingredients were/are that I'm working on myself. I'm trying to be the best I can be. And coveting another woman's husband was not achieving that.

[RickFox]

I don't think you ever"forget", but time and realizing how much energy you waste on them is a huge factor.

[Lady2163]

Rick makes a great point. When you are through this, you could be surprised at the amount of....free time you have. Mental energy and thought does sap strength and you don't know it until it is gone and there is relief.

[Poppy47]

Nothing has made me forget him.

 

Time has clarified some of his traits I might not have seen before but he's in my memory forever.... the good and the bad.

Poppy

[bathtub-row]

Basically nothing about him, per se, turned me off. Nor does it still. The idea that he has a full life with another woman, complete with his 3 grown kids that he's extremely close to, and no intention of ever being with me, did. I think it was when I finally believed 100% that we would never be together, I felt turned off and it became a matter of self-preservation. Not to say there aren't genuine feelings between us, but we were going nowhere and I was wasting my time and risking my reputation. Not to mention the number of people we could end up hurting.

 

So it had nothing to do with anything being wrong with him except for being married. From the beginning, that should've been reason enough for me.

[FusionCutter]

It's really hard to forget about someone who you feel flow your veins, occupies your heart like a protester, and is in your mind like a splinter that you can't remove.

 

So it's not about forgetting. It's about changing your mindset and coping.

[herself]

In my experience nothing. Nothing worked really. Not hatred, or anger, or NC.

BUT, I did fake it until I make it with an indifferent stance.

Realizing, no amount of rage or overflowing love was going to help change things with us...

Each time I thought of him I physically literally shrugged.

I tried not to think negatively or positively just neutrally.

I wished him well with the shrug and myself too. I then took a deep breath and cried any tearsand say its done with us.

This act done over and over did get me into somewhat of a state of indifference.

Lastly dont work on forgetting him as much as work on admitting to yourself it really is over.

If you haven't really given in to that fact yet, the rest is worthless.

Its hard to accept but if your living with hope in your heart, its pointless. The A lives on unrequited. Im sure I will probably always love him or think of him...I cant change it so I just dont dwell and now it doesn't hurt so much.

[hello234]

all u who ended affair and stayed in Nc...

 

- Did u ever get intense desires or longings for passion and romance again with (ex) Mm? Did u ever feel intense desire to be touched n kissed by ex AP again?

 

My question- HOW DId u control these feelings???? What do u replace these feelings with? what did u replace the passion with? Some hobbies etc?

And those who are already married , was it easier for u since u already had a spouse at home to turn to for romance?

 

Im havin a hard time letting go of the ecstacy of the romance we had n attraction i felt for him... Do i really need this?? I just want someone to say " dont be scared of loosing the romance n passion- dont be scared of loosing him"

 

Ugh..

[nikki76]

I'm not really the best person to be responding lol as I'm having such a hard time ending both my A's.

Ive gone NC with the longer AP for 12 days and i caved when he contacted me. Now im trying to find enough courage to end it with him and my other A I started, to get over him :/

 

Im sure you'll get great advice. This fourum is wonderful as I'm sure you already know. I'm married too, I'm not sure if that makes it harder or not.

sometimes I think its the fear of missing excitement, and not really actually missing the AP as a person. (Hope that makes sense)

[prettyeyes87]

I honestly believe its the addiction of that person. It's the lust and infatuation. Like the poster above me said, it's really the excitement you miss and not the person. I am having a hard time with this as well, so i am glad you asked this question. In my sitaution I was overloaded with too much attention and then it was gone and it felt empty. Even though his attention was NOT good, I noticed it when it's gone.

[Goodbye]

all u who ended affair and stayed in Nc...

 

- Did u ever get intense desires or longings for passion and romance again with (ex) Mm? Did u ever feel intense desire to be touched n kissed by ex AP again?

 

My question- HOW DId u control these feelings???? What do u replace these feelings with? what did u replace the passion with? Some hobbies etc?

And those who are already married , was it easier for u since u already had a spouse at home to turn to for romance?

 

Im havin a hard time letting go of the ecstacy of the romance we had n attraction i felt for him... Do i really need this?? I just want someone to say " dont be scared of loosing the romance n passion- dont be scared of loosing him"

 

Ugh..

 

 

 

Yes, I initiated NC a couple of times before it stuck...and it only stuck after I totally exploded the whole thing.

 

 

I ached for him. I missed the physical stuff. I missed the promises, I felt hopeless. I had to physically restrain myself from contacting him.

 

 

Stay busy

Make a list of the reasons you went NC and carry them with you

Pamper yourself

Connect with people you put on hold while you were in the A

Exhaust yourself with exercise

Plan a vacation for 3 to 6 months from now and tell yourself by then this will all just be a memory...when you have the urge to fall back on MM, remind yourself of what you have to look forward.

[Poppy47]

After 3 long periods of time in the A during the last 6 years, I had enough. It had become a series of disappointments and hurtful episodes as I am sure everyone has experienced.

 

The future looked pretty gruesome and it wasn't one I wished for myself.

 

I started going to a counsellor and had a few hypnotherapy sessions. It was well worth it.

 

Do I miss the sizzling hot sex, the romance and the attention? OMG yes! He was a great attention giver, with lots of spare time.

 

Everytime I miss all that, I am able to think that it was harmful to me and was destroying my self esteem. I have learned through therapy to look after the small child within myself. It's a lot of "inner talk".

 

Living honestly with integrity and a peaceful heart more than make up for all the romance and roller coaster emotions.

 

The most important element is absolute No Contact with 100% compliance. That means no FB peeking at him. Get rid of EVERYTHING that reminds you of him, letters, emails, gifts. Erase him from your life as though he had never been. Pretty soon it will feel just like that.

 

Make that commitment to yourself... like a marriage vow. I did that 7 months ago and have not looked backwards since.

 

Be the architect of your own destiny and don't let romance and fantasy take you future away. I am 67 and he was 71 so romance and sex are not exclusively for the young.

HOping for the best outcome for you,

Poppy

[Poppy47]

I forgot to add that you will feel a lot more inclined to have contact with family and friends because you are not longer have a clandenstine relationship.

 

I have joined new social groups, resumed oil painting, done and extensive European trip and having more close contact with my family. Also told them about the A. They were pretty blase about it and said they knew something had been going on.

 

P

[bathtub-row]

Ended? Like, which time?

 

I'm not going to kid you. It's very tough. I wasn't very good at it. Well, I was pretty good at it but a few months would go by, he'd re-establish contact and then boom! I was back with him because nothing matched what we had.

 

Over an 8-yr period, I ended the relationship literally more times than I can recall. Eventually, the rollercoaster ride became too much for me and it overrode my feelings for the relationship.

 

I think the passion and lack of having to deal with real life is a big draw of an affair. You know you're both there because you want to be and you know your time together is limited. These things alone are ingredients for high passion. Aside from the fact that most people in affairs are highly attracted to one another, or very much in love.

 

I think the answer is that you'll truly end it when you've had enough of the heartache. Going NC wasn't for me but you have to decide what's best for you.

[Goodbye]

I forgot to add that you will feel a lot more inclined to have contact with family and friends because you are not longer have a clandenstine relationship.

 

I have joined new social groups, resumed oil painting, done and extensive European trip and having more close contact with my family. Also told them about the A. They were pretty blase about it and said they knew something had been going on.

 

P

 

 

 

So very true!! And telling your family/close friends what you've just been through will help you keep NC, or at least that is what I found.

[Lurkeraspect]

all u who ended affair and stayed in Nc...

 

- Did u ever get intense desires or longings for passion and romance again with (ex) Mm? Did u ever feel intense desire to be touched n kissed by ex AP again?

 

My question- HOW DId u control these feelings???? What do u replace these feelings with? what did u replace the passion with? Some hobbies etc?

And those who are already married , was it easier for u since u already had a spouse at home to turn to for romance?

 

Im havin a hard time letting go of the ecstacy of the romance we had n attraction i felt for him... Do i really need this?? I just want someone to say " dont be scared of loosing the romance n passion- dont be scared of loosing him"

 

Ugh..

 

 

I've been following your story and endless updates. All the "ughs" in the world won't get you over another man. Look. You're married, are on the precipice of losing everything for what? A man who took what you freely gave. Please see what your thing was...a few make out sessions, some ego stroking, stolen moments. It ain't love. Rather, infatuation and the possible destroyer of your life.

 

Why is he so special? Cause, I don't see it, based on the things you've shared.

[MuddyFootprints]

Quite honestly, I grew up.

 

Consider these growing pains.

 

Stop. Breathe. Listen.

[Decisiontomake]

I journal a great deal. Find it really helpful. Although anyone that read it would think they were reading that of a teenage girls's with all the angst ridden "did he really like me?", "is he suffering too?" type baloney that's in there . Also, if I feel the need to email him I write it, as though I'm going to send it but then don't. That helps too.

 

I've also started seeing him and it for what it was. Mainly through reading stories on here and seeing similarities. It doesn't take the longing away and I have no idea if I'd be strong if he were to reach out to me but these are the steps I'm taking right now.

[SusiePie]

Any love affair I've had that ends is sad and hard for me. I just know I have no other choice and know that eventually I will get over it.

 

I don't find the pain of loss different this time because he is a MM. It hurts like my other breakups.

[hello234]

Basically nothing about him, per se, turned me off. Nor does it still. The idea that he has a full life with another woman, complete with his 3 grown kids that he's extremely close to, and no intention of ever being with me, did. I think it was when I finally believed 100% that we would never be together, I felt turned off and it became a matter of self-preservation. Not to say there aren't genuine feelings between us, but we were going nowhere and I was wasting my time and risking my reputation. Not to mention the number of people we could end up hurting.

 

So it had nothing to do with anything being wrong with him except for being married. From the beginning, that should've been reason enough for me.

 

 

Im sorry but how can you people say Nothing turned u off?? Like seriouslly?? The fact that hes kept u a secret and treating with disrespect and lying at home like a coward and coming out with excuses to meet u doesnt turn u off?? The fact that hes not a real man with B***s to talk about u publicly to the world, instead is like a coward, securing his own family life, but just wants lil somethin somethin on the side doesnt turn u off??

[Decisiontomake]

You're asking for people to answer your question from their own experiences. If you don't like the answers because you are searching for something to ease your own situation and they haven't given you what you want/need, you should not disrespect those that have taken the time to share with you their experiences by attacking them.

[Loveless77]

I ended it, all because I found out he was married and has a pregnant wife (who is 9 months, maybe she has already delivered. I found this out two months ago.

 

I told him we were through, he walked away without even a protest and I haven't ever contacted him or heard from him since.

 

I haven't gotten over it completely, I just cope from day to day. I think about him daily, I miss his company, him cooking for me, his sense of humor:(:(, Its a daily struggle.

[jellybean89]

Im sorry but how can you people say Nothing turned u off?? Like seriouslly?? The fact that hes kept u a secret and treating with disrespect and lying at home like a coward and coming out with excuses to meet u doesnt turn u off?? The fact that hes not a real man with B***s to talk about u publicly to the world, instead is like a coward, securing his own family life, but just wants lil somethin somethin on the side doesnt turn u off??

 

Yet those things aren't enough to make you stop obsessing and wanting to continue he the affair?

[GirlStillStrong]

It's been a process, largely one of coming back down to planet Earth and back to reality. Realizing this person (MM) appears to live in LaLa Land, where the things I have been saying are my wants, needs, and desires in a romantic relationship (and the fact that he is not delivering) are all basically technicalities to him. To his credit, I have found that most men (at least the ones I've been in relationships with) are just like him in this respect. Of course I'm not talking about all men; perhaps the ones I have experience with are all narcissists, IDK. Anyway, they hear what I say I want, (some agree, some disagree, some make it a topic of conversation or share what they want) and then they go do what they want anyway. When I get tired of being ignored and discounted I move on and they are in disbelief. I think their egos must just be so big that they actually believe THEY are such a catch that I will do whatever it takes to stay with them.

 

I think a good place to start emotionally detaching from anyone is to start grounding yourself in the Here & Now. As it stands today, are you happy with the relationship as it is and hope that it continues this way? Because what you've been getting is a pretty good indicator of what you will get in the future. Just for today, ask yourself what you really want for your self and your life. Is it really that you want to have sex with this guy? Or do you want something more? If more, what? Decide what that looks like and every day when you wake up, remind yourself of that and plan where you need to go and what you need to do to get there. Because the focus is always on them (and really on what THEY want). Re-gain your focus from this person. Take your attention from him and and put it back on YOU and YOUR life. Because if you don't do it, who will?

Edited November 12, 2014 by GirlStillStrong