OM to BF Wife

[jbp005]

This is the worst thing I've felt I've ever done, but I've never felt so strongly about someone. She is married to my best friend of almost 17 years. I could tell there was a mutual attraction between us for quite sometime, not just physical. I've never been in a very serious relationship, I'm 31, she is 26. They have been married for a little over a three and half years after she got pregnant with their only child. MW says she is falling in love with me, and I am with her. MW told her husband this past weekend after we've been together for almost 2 months, but didn't leave him, and only told him that we had feelings for each other. We have seen each other almost every other day throughout this time, and have slept together a couple of times. MW did not disclose any of this information to him, and he expressed he wasn't sure if he could ever trust her again. He has never treated her right, and I know she is going to be worried about getting in a serious relationship if they do divorce. MW has told me she cares about him, but is not sure if she is in love with him anymore. MW has only called me once since it happened a few days ago as he has most of her account info for phone and other messaging. We are using a different messaging service he doesnt know of to still chat. MW told me what happened when she told him, and what was said. We have been completely open with each other from the beginning and believe what she has said. MW is meeting me for lunch tomorrow, which she said we can continue to do, but anything else might not be doable. Should I be worried MW is going to end things with me? Has she been FF me with all the things she has told me? Is there anyway this works out for me?

 

He has told her before he has only married her because she was pregnant. Treated her badly while she was pregnant. He has never been physically abusive but has been emotionally abusive much of their marriage. He has told me before he just wanted to leave her but only stayed for their child as recently as a couple of months before we began the A. I thought he just didn't care about her anymore. He claims he is still in love with her, but he doesn't show it in just about anyway.

 

I've been needing to get some insight into this, as I've only told one friend, and I'm pretty sure he isn't interested in talking about it. I've been looking at this forum almost since it began to get an understanding of how these things work out.

[gettingstronger]

You sound like a soft landing for her- she feels rejected by her husband and seeks validation elsewhere-if you are OK with this role, then continue on-if not, you might consider ending it-

[whichwayisup]

MW told her husband this past weekend after we've been together for almost 2 months, but didn't leave him, and only told him that we had feelings for each other.

 

I'm calling bullcrap on this. NO WAY did she tell him. If she did, he'd be at your door, wanting to pound the crap out of you for having an affair with his wife and ruining your so called 'best' friend friendship. He is NO friend, not anymore.

[FusionCutter]

Keep in mind you are destroying 3 lives here. Yourself, hers and his.

 

What possible good outcome could come of this? Don't kid yourself. You guys are no longer friends at all.

 

How do you see things playing out?

[jbp005]

I'm calling bullcrap on this. NO WAY did she tell him. If she did, he'd be at your door, wanting to pound the crap out of you for having an affair with his wife and ruining your so called 'best' friend friendship. He is NO friend, not anymore.

 

That's what I was told. I went over to be there when she told him, which in hindsight was probably a bad idea, but she had told me she had been afraid of him enough she had considered calling the cops before. He saw us kind of talking across the room, and confronted her when I went to the bathroom. He then asked me to leave, which I did. He asked if there was something going on between us, she said yes. He asked if it was just like a crush on each other. She said no that it was more then that. He then had a panic attack. She told me he has been an emotional wreck since then saying he doesn't want to lose his family and crying. I know he most likely isn't my friend anymore, and even if in some remote chance he was, if he heard everything that had been going on he wouldn't be. I knew that was the risk when we began this. He's the person I'd have talked to about this. He was my roommate in college, we worked together for almost 5 years through high school and college, this guy was my best friend. Maybe I was never that good of friend to him. I'll never know, I feel like horrible person, but that's not the point of this post. The hope is that maybe I can have some kind of relationship with the woman I care about.

[whichwayisup]

That's what I was told. I went over to be there when she told him, which in hindsight was probably a bad idea, but she had told me she had been afraid of him enough she had considered calling the cops before. He saw us kind of talking across the room, and confronted her when I went to the bathroom. He then asked me to leave, which I did. He asked if there was something going on between us, she said yes. He asked if it was just like a crush on each other. She said no that it was more then that. He then had a panic attack. She told me he has been an emotional wreck since then saying he doesn't want to lose his family and crying. I know he most likely isn't my friend anymore, and even if in some remote chance he was, if he heard everything that had been going on he wouldn't be. I knew that was the risk when we began this. He's the person I'd have talked to about this. He was my roommate in college, we worked together for almost 5 years through high school and college, this guy was my best friend. Maybe I was never that good of friend to him. I'll never know, I feel like horrible person, but that's not the point of this post. The hope is that maybe I can have some kind of relationship with the woman I care about.

 

Then tell her she needs to divorce him, and then you two can date and go out in a proper way. Until then, you're having an affair with your ex best friends wife and settling for table scraps.

 

If she truly loves you, then allow her that time to end her marriage and divorce. End your A, tell her to call you when the divorce is final.

[stillafool]

If she has already told him about the affair and that she now has romantic feelings for you why don't you go talk to him also? He was your friend and if you and this woman plan to be together you owe him your truth. If she was lying about telling her husband she probably won't want you to talk to him. I think it's odd that she has now told her H the truth and now you can only see her for lunches and nothing else. What changed? Wasn't she in love with you and wanted the two of you to be together? This is the perfect time now that everything is on the table, right? Or is it? Her actions don't say that they are. Make her be honest with you and you can only do this by talking to her husand.

[jbp005]

If she has already told him about the affair and that she now has romantic feelings for you why don't you go talk to him also? He was your friend and if you and this woman plan to be together you owe him your truth. If she was lying about telling her husband she probably won't want you to talk to him. I think it's odd that she has now told her H the truth and now you can only see her for lunches and nothing else. What changed? Wasn't she in love with you and wanted the two of you to be together? This is the perfect time now that everything is on the table, right? Or is it? Her actions don't say that they are. Make her be honest with you and you can only do this by talking to her husand.

 

I think she is waiting for the impact of what has happened to actually hit him cause he is just an emotional mess right now. Her and I do want him to be ok in the end, we don't despise him. I agree though, I am going to talk to her and see what she says at lunch tomorrow, and proceed based on what I hear. I'm willing to talk to him, just not sure if he will be interested.

 

Also, thanks for the advice everyone, I feel like I should have posted when this began and not have waited so long.

[Darren Steez]

Keep in mind you are destroying 3 lives here. Yourself, hers and his.

 

What possible good outcome could come of this? Don't kid yourself. You guys are no longer friends at all.

 

How do you see things playing out?

 

Make that four. There's a child involved.

[RickFox]

She'll feel guilty, make some excuses, push you back, tell you she still cares for you and then close the door in your face. All talk

[jbp005]

UPDATE:

 

MW was unable to make it to lunch yesterday, as she had to go with her boss and people from work. We talked on the phone on Tuesday, and discussed some of the things that were bothering me. I really wanted to talk in person and today we met for lunch. MW has not told specifics to BS, only that we had feelings for each other and it began from us talking as friends. MW has not told BS about the time went spent with each other or sleeping together. I believe this is the reason BS hasn't shown up at my door yet. MW said she plans on telling BS this soon, but BS is a complete emotional wreck. BS jumps from saying he can't without her to saying he can never trust her again. MW is seeking counseling for him. BS will hardly let MW out of his sight. MW went on to suggest that maybe we shouldn't see each other as much so that we could take it slow, not have to be so deceptive about the entire thing, that I deserved more then this, and give MW time to work this out. Then MW says we could see each other on Saturday and Sunday, and realized we were still planning on seeing each other quite a bit. MW thought of suggesting I try dating someone else while this plays out, but MW says it would really hurt her and in the end wouldn't want that. I told MW this is not what I wanted either, that I want to be with her. MW says she still feels the same about me through all this.

[Tulsy]

Wow, you're some friend!

 

 

What are you looking for, pointers on how to get your friend out of the picture so you can take his wife?

 

 

Why don't you do what's right and stay the fawk away from that family; you've done enough damage.

 

 

The 2 people he trusts most in this world have turned on him.

 

 

If you want to be together, she needs to be at least separated from her husband.

 

 

I'm not even sure I believe this story...I think the premise is horrible, though plausible.

 

 

Stop seeing your friends wife. Period.

[Clay]

Don't worry she will run to you once you have destroyed your friend completely. The really cool thing about it is your turn will be next. She only feels good about you because you have the same attributes there he has. That is what made you friends in the first place. Right now he is safe to her and your the wildcard. Once she destroys that she will lean on you for that. Then another cool friend will come along and guess what. You will be wondering how things when wrong. Why is she doing this to you.

 

The truth is she is lieing to both of you. If it really was over with with your friend she would have told him all of it and walked away. She is just not sure who she really wants to be with.

 

 

I personally would recognize what a jerk I was for ruining there relationship and walk away. I would change my number and not talk to either of them. If you think shes really all that great then why is she cheating and lieing to your friend.

 

 

Clay

[anika99]

UPDATE:

 

MW was unable to make it to lunch yesterday, as she had to go with her boss and people from work. We talked on the phone on Tuesday, and discussed some of the things that were bothering me. I really wanted to talk in person and today we met for lunch. MW has not told specifics to BS, only that we had feelings for each other and it began from us talking as friends. MW has not told BS about the time went spent with each other or sleeping together. I believe this is the reason BS hasn't shown up at my door yet. MW said she plans on telling BS this soon, but BS is a complete emotional wreck. BS jumps from saying he can't without her to saying he can never trust her again. MW is seeking counseling for him. BS will hardly let MW out of his sight. MW went on to suggest that maybe we shouldn't see each other as much so that we could take it slow, not have to be so deceptive about the entire thing, that I deserved more then this, and give MW time to work this out. Then MW says we could see each other on Saturday and Sunday, and realized we were still planning on seeing each other quite a bit. MW thought of suggesting I try dating someone else while this plays out, but MW says it would really hurt her and in the end wouldn't want that. I told MW this is not what I wanted either, that I want to be with her. MW says she still feels the same about me through all this.

 

 

 

You have completely destroyed your friendship of 17 yrs and you're not going to get the girl. She is not going to tell him the truth. Don't you think that right now her husband is asking her a million questions about the nature of your relationship with her? Right now is her opportunity to be honest with him and tell him the truth, but instead she's lying to him and trying to smooth things over. If she really wanted to leave him then now is the time. She is not going to wait for him to feel better just to heap fresh pain on him later on. She is not leaving him for you and you have ruined a friendship for her. That might not bother you much right now as you are caught up in the romantic fairy tale but once it's over I have a feeling you will realize that magnitude of your actions.

[Quiet Storm]

I think if you really love MW, you will let her go. She is saying all this stuff to you based on her emotions and feelings for you, not logic. You have to understand if she follows through on this, she will be breaking up her family. She may come to gravely regret that decision in the future.

 

My guess is that her husband will want to work on the marriage after this sinks in, and will likely try to make changes to improve the marriage. Affairs, while very harmful, are often the catalyst for change. You must have liked this guy at one point enough to be his friend- wouldn't him working on being a better husband be a positive thing? Step outside of your feelings for a moment and look at this as an outsider.

 

With you hanging around, she has an emotional outlet and her loyalty is divided. You can tell by her conversation with you that she needs space. Suggesting that you date others clearly shows this. She will feel less responsible for your broken heart (when you realize she's staying married and ending affair), if your attention is focused elsewhere. It shows that your feelings for her, are becoming a burden. Her feelings for you are likely genuine, but probably won't prompt her to ruin her family over. She's trying to let you down easy, and feels conflicted between her family and feelings for you.

 

I believe their family deserves a chance. Their child should have the opportunity to have an intact family, and you hanging around jeopardizes that. I know that she is responsible for protecting and respecting her marriage, but if you really love her, you'll help her do what is right (by staying away). You are being selfish, and I think your own wants & desires should take a backseat for the greater good (giving the marriage/family a fair chance).

[FusionCutter]

I think if you really love MW, you will let her go. She is saying all this stuff to you based on her emotions and feelings for you, not logic. You have to understand if she follows through on this, she will be breaking up her family. She may come to gravely regret that decision in the future.

 

My guess is that her husband will want to work on the marriage after this sinks in, and will likely try to make changes to improve the marriage. Affairs, while very harmful, are often the catalyst for change. You must have liked this guy at one point enough to be his friend- wouldn't him working on being a better husband be a positive thing? Step outside of your feelings for a moment and look at this as an outsider.

 

With you hanging around, she has an emotional outlet and her loyalty is divided. You can tell by her conversation with you that she needs space. Suggesting that you date others clearly shows this. She will feel less responsible for your broken heart (when you realize she's staying married and ending affair), if your attention is focused elsewhere. It shows that your feelings for her, are becoming a burden. Her feelings for you are likely genuine, but probably won't prompt her to ruin her family over. She's trying to let you down easy, and feels conflicted between her family and feelings for you.

 

I believe their family deserves a chance. Their child should have the opportunity to have an intact family, and you hanging around jeopardizes that. I know that she is responsible for protecting and respecting her marriage, but if you really love her, you'll help her do what is right (by staying away). You are being selfish, and I think your own wants & desires should take a backseat for the greater good (giving the marriage/family a fair chance).

 

You're one insightful person. I hope you post more often.

[stillafool]

UPDATE:

 

MW was unable to make it to lunch yesterday, as she had to go with her boss and people from work. We talked on the phone on Tuesday, and discussed some of the things that were bothering me. I really wanted to talk in person and today we met for lunch. MW has not told specifics to BS, only that we had feelings for each other and it began from us talking as friends. MW has not told BS about the time went spent with each other or sleeping together. I believe this is the reason BS hasn't shown up at my door yet. MW said she plans on telling BS this soon, but BS is a complete emotional wreck. BS jumps from saying he can't without her to saying he can never trust her again. MW is seeking counseling for him. BS will hardly let MW out of his sight. MW went on to suggest that maybe we shouldn't see each other as much so that we could take it slow, not have to be so deceptive about the entire thing, that I deserved more then this, and give MW time to work this out. Then MW says we could see each other on Saturday and Sunday, and realized we were still planning on seeing each other quite a bit. MW thought of suggesting I try dating someone else while this plays out, but MW says it would really hurt her and in the end wouldn't want that. I told MW this is not what I wanted either, that I want to be with her. MW says she still feels the same about me through all this.

 

I call bull on this. She is back peddling and the fact that she wants you to start dating others is pretty much all the proof you need. She plans to stay with her husband or she would tell him the truth about everything including that the two of you are going to be together. She is a cheater and a liar and you and her husband should drop her.

[whichwayisup]

UPDATE:

 

MW was unable to make it to lunch yesterday, as she had to go with her boss and people from work. We talked on the phone on Tuesday, and discussed some of the things that were bothering me. I really wanted to talk in person and today we met for lunch. MW has not told specifics to BS, only that we had feelings for each other and it began from us talking as friends. MW has not told BS about the time went spent with each other or sleeping together. I believe this is the reason BS hasn't shown up at my door yet. MW said she plans on telling BS this soon, but BS is a complete emotional wreck. BS jumps from saying he can't without her to saying he can never trust her again. MW is seeking counseling for him. BS will hardly let MW out of his sight. MW went on to suggest that maybe we shouldn't see each other as much so that we could take it slow, not have to be so deceptive about the entire thing, that I deserved more then this, and give MW time to work this out. Then MW says we could see each other on Saturday and Sunday, and realized we were still planning on seeing each other quite a bit. MW thought of suggesting I try dating someone else while this plays out, but MW says it would really hurt her and in the end wouldn't want that. I told MW this is not what I wanted either, that I want to be with her. MW says she still feels the same about me through all this.

 

Walk away. Their marriage is none of your business and I'm telling you, the script here - She doesn't want to give you up for selfish reasons, yet she has NO plans on leaving and divorcing her husband, your now EX friend. Stay out of their life. Tell her to contact you the day she officially divorces, but until then, to leave you alone. Buddy, you're gonna get the short end of the stick she doesn't care about your well being. If she did she'd end it and let you go, not play you. And she is playing you but you probably can't see that because of how you feel towards her, you can't be objective. She is manipulating you selfishly....

[BetrayedH]

Speaking from experience, the lying and deception do the most damage. He doesn't know what's the truth and what's a lie. So you've left him on an emotional rollercoaster. Tell her to give him the truth.

[beach]

If you are the friend you claimed to be - then tell him the truth.

 

Go over and tell him everything. He deserves to know - and I'm sure she's just lying to him.

[descend]

I think if you really love MW, you will let her go. She is saying all this stuff to you based on her emotions and feelings for you, not logic. You have to understand if she follows through on this, she will be breaking up her family. She may come to gravely regret that decision in the future.

 

My guess is that her husband will want to work on the marriage after this sinks in, and will likely try to make changes to improve the marriage. Affairs, while very harmful, are often the catalyst for change. You must have liked this guy at one point enough to be his friend- wouldn't him working on being a better husband be a positive thing? Step outside of your feelings for a moment and look at this as an outsider.

 

With you hanging around, she has an emotional outlet and her loyalty is divided. You can tell by her conversation with you that she needs space. Suggesting that you date others clearly shows this. She will feel less responsible for your broken heart (when you realize she's staying married and ending affair), if your attention is focused elsewhere. It shows that your feelings for her, are becoming a burden. Her feelings for you are likely genuine, but probably won't prompt her to ruin her family over. She's trying to let you down easy, and feels conflicted between her family and feelings for you.

 

I believe their family deserves a chance. Their child should have the opportunity to have an intact family, and you hanging around jeopardizes that. I know that she is responsible for protecting and respecting her marriage, but if you really love her, you'll help her do what is right (by staying away). You are being selfish, and I think your own wants & desires should take a backseat for the greater good (giving the marriage/family a fair chance).

 

So, so true. I can not hear this enough at this stage of healing for myself.

[aliveagain]

With all the creeps in the world isn't it nice to know you can always count on your best friend of 17 years.

[jbp005]

I believe MW is going to tell H the entire truth soon, we have talked about that would be the best for them to move on or for us to be together. We still have been meeting for lunch, and MW is coming over tomorrow after work for a couple of hours. It's much harder to meet up since H found out as he is watching MW like crazy, and wants to go and be there for anything MW does. I'm torn and have thought about NC but that just seems so difficult when all I want is her in my life. I know how horrible all this has been, and it's really hit me hard since him finding out that I can't hangout or talk with my best friend.

[HereNorThere]

I believe MW is going to tell H the entire truth soon, we have talked about that would be the best for them to move on or for us to be together. We still have been meeting for lunch, and MW is coming over tomorrow after work for a couple of hours. It's much harder to meet up since H found out as he is watching MW like crazy, and wants to go and be there for anything MW does. I'm torn and have thought about NC but that just seems so difficult when all I want is her in my life. I know how horrible all this has been, and it's really hit me hard since him finding out that I can't hangout or talk with my best friend.

 

Me, me, me.

 

Honestly, I think you should end up with her and her baggage. It'll be like giving karma a little bit of push in the right direction.

[Ruffian1]

If you are the friend you claimed to be - then tell him the truth.

 

 

My goodness, stop torturing your "friend' already. That poor man

 

 

Just tell him the truth . . . then you two can be together.