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I have my NC letters, just need to send them.


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Ive been wanting to post for a few weeks, but I know I'm going to be shredded apart.

Ive been having an affair with my husbands friend since April. We were intimate 3 times, June being our last time. Other then that, its all been only contact through our private Facebook page. However, we did makeout about a month ago when he was at my house doing some work. Ive tried going no contact and each time, one of us contact the other and broke NC. I dont feel nearly as emotionally attached to him as before. We talk about meeting up, but I dont think thats going to happen.

 

Two months ago, during one of my NC periods, I was feeling sad. So I joined a married dating website. Just looking for someone to text with. I met someone that lives in a different state and visits here once a month. We met a few weeks ago and had sex. It is strictly physical, we dont even know each others last names or much about our personal lives. He is married with kids. The sex wasnt even that good and I'm not really attracted to him.

 

But, I still plan to meet with him in a few weeks. I think about ending it with either one or bith, then i get nervous, because it ads excitement to my life. I know its wrong and the ultimate betrayal. I know I'm being used but I'm also using them. Im on Zoloft for about three months now. I'm wondering if this is making me feel numb to my true feelings about my husband. I was seeing a therapist, but stopped once I started this new affair. Im afraid of what she would think or say.

 

I dont really know why im posting this. I feel like I need to let it out. Be ripped apart. I know its bad, but for some reason, its not sinking in. I'm also married with kids. So is husbands friend.

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Nikki - have you tried therapy? It sounds like you are definitely self medicating but why? Are you subconsciously trying to blow things up?

 

You are obviously realizing that this is heading in a direction that is going to end in trouble and you don't sound very happy about it but doing it anyway. Why? What are you hoping to gain?

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The "on Zoloft/off therapy" thing doesn't seem to be working. Maybe you should fine a different therapist. What were you in therapy for originally, might I ask?

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Lernaean_Hydra

This sort of behavior sounds a lot like someone in the "mania" phase of Bipolar disorder.

 

These affairs you're having don't even seem to be about the physical gratification of the encounters. It all sounds extremely thrill-based and out of attention seeking. I mean, you're planning on continuing to see a man you're not even attracted to and don't find particularly satisfying. Mentally, there's a distinct disconnect there but you need serious professional help. I talking really intensive psychiatric treatment and CBT.

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Nikki76 wrote, "... but for some reason, its not sinking in"

 

Tell your husband. That should help*

 

Then tell your parents, siblings, friends, pastor, co-workers if telling your spouse doesn't help it "sink in" I am positive most of the others will!

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Michelle ma Belle

You're definitely self medicating here. Trying to fill a gaping hole with extra-marital affairs. The good thing is you're aware that you're doing something wrong. The bad thing is that I don't believe for one moment you're ready to end your affairs and repent for your infidelities.

 

The sheer fact that you stopped seeing your therapist after you started yet another affair says it all. If you really wanted out of this destructive pattern you would have STAYED in therapy, revealed it to your therapist and deal with whatever they had to say including doing the work that's needed to be done to get yourself out of it.

 

Coming on here and confessing your secret to a bunch of strangers isn't good enough and certainly won't fix what's wrong here.

 

Go back to therapy and if anything, ramp it up. You have some serious demons to slay and until you do, you will continue on this self-destructive path of debauchery and betrayal.

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Hello and welcome to the forum. I'm a former wayward wife. Affairs can become an addiction. I don't know how to explain it, but for me there was something about taking a bite out of the forbidden fruit. It was a rush, but like you I also was very troubled by my behavior. I was constantly conflicted. I would try and end the A, but I wasn't strong enough to follow through. Sometimes I would look in the mirror and feel disgusted. Other times I felt nothing and numb. I'm willing to bet it's your behavior that's making you feel numb, not the medication.

 

I'm not going to shred you apart because I don't believe that will help you. I'm going to tell you though that my painful roller coaster ride didn't end until I was caught. Even then, I was so hooked that it took me several months to snap out of the fog. In my personal opinion, telling your H is the only way to stop the destructive behavior. Everything changes when you become accountable for the mess you made. On the plus side, it's also a relief to not be holding onto to those secrets anymore.

 

I have to admit that your post caused me to trigger a bit. You remind me alot of myself when I was so caught up in my affair. It's hard posting about something we're ashamed about. I think that was a good first step for you. I suggest that your next step should be speaking with a therapist. This will help you figure why you're doing what you're doing and give you the courage to tell your husband.

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This sort of behavior sounds a lot like someone in the "mania" phase of Bipolar disorder.

 

These affairs you're having don't even seem to be about the physical gratification of the encounters. It all sounds extremely thrill-based and out of attention seeking. I mean, you're planning on continuing to see a man you're not even attracted to and don't find particularly satisfying. Mentally, there's a distinct disconnect there but you need serious professional help. I talking really intensive psychiatric treatment and CBT.

 

I agree. This sounds far more than "just an affair" and lends to more psychological issues.

 

Wishing you strength and help OP.

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I'm not going to shred you apart because I don't believe that will help you.

 

I understand what you're saying here, but I do believe there are times where some tough love can help wake some people up more than the proverbial "hugs". Not exactly sure what that entails in this case, but she seems to at least be aware that all these other avenues aren't working. To CIH's point, getting a "what the f*ck are you thinking?" from someone close to her could help.

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I understand what you're saying here, but I do believe there are times where some tough love can help wake some people up more than the proverbial "hugs". Not exactly sure what that entails in this case, but she seems to at least be aware that all these other avenues aren't working. To CIH's point, getting a "what the f*ck are you thinking?" from someone close to her could help.

I agree that tough love does help. There were a lot of posters that helped me to make healthy decisions for myself. The posters who kept pointing out how horrible and selfish I was didn't help. All it did was frustrate me and make me not want to post. I already felt bad about myself. I just needed a little push. I'll be forever grateful to the ones who did that for me. There's a huge difference between "tough love" and telling someone how horrible they are. That's what I was meaning by not shredding her apart. So far, I haven't noticed anyone doing that on this thread.

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Decisiontomake

I get this totally - if I could have PM'd you I would have elaborated. But what I will say on here is yes, this is self medication - it's escapism, it's switching off and not caring. Now, if you were doing this and you were OK with it - then that's your bag - totally up to you. But you're not. You're filling a void, getting a fix, whatever we call it. Share it with someone - a therapist, a friend, hell just keep sharing here if that's what it takes. You're not a bad person for doing this - you're in a confused state (not insane, just confused/lost), and this will pass. You're grasping at straws and looking to alter your feelings through what you're doing. Please keep posting - I'm delighted that no one has turned this thread into anything other than support.

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Thank you for all the great responses and for not bashing me.

 

I really do want to go back to therapy but I'm not sure where I would find a good therapist. The lady I was going to a few months ago, when I was feeling depressed about going NC with husbands friend, i dont know if I would go back to her. I felt like she just tried to help me fix was was broken with my marriage, but not help me get over the affair (not sure if that makes sense).

 

My husband is a great person, father and husband. Of course, we have our downfalls like every marriage does. I hate that I find myself exaggerating his downfalls and get easily aggravated with him, to try to talk myself into thinking my affairs are ok.

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Hello and welcome to the forum. I'm a former wayward wife. Affairs can become an addiction. I don't know how to explain it, but for me there was something about taking a bite out of the forbidden fruit. It was a rush, but like you I also was very troubled by my behavior. I was constantly conflicted. I would try and end the A, but I wasn't strong enough to follow through. Sometimes I would look in the mirror and feel disgusted. Other times I felt nothing and numb. I'm willing to bet it's your behavior that's making you feel numb, not the medication.

 

I'm not going to shred you apart because I don't believe that will help you. I'm going to tell you though that my painful roller coaster ride didn't end until I was caught. Even then, I was so hooked that it took me several months to snap out of the fog. In my personal opinion, telling your H is the only way to stop the destructive behavior. Everything changes when you become accountable for the mess you made. On the plus side, it's also a relief to not be holding onto to those secrets anymore.

 

I have to admit that your post caused me to trigger a bit. You remind me alot of myself when I was so caught up in my affair. It's hard posting about something we're ashamed about. I think that was a good first step for you. I suggest that your next step should be speaking with a therapist. This will help you figure why you're doing what you're doing and give you the courage to tell your husband.

 

You are exactly right....this is an addiction to me. Its the craziest feeling and only people that have been in our situation, could understand it.

Sometimes I feel like Im on top of the world. Yet, I know it can come crashing down on me in an instant.

There is no way I could ever tell my husband. I know some say thats the best way, i could never do that.

Thank you for advice and reply.

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The "on Zoloft/off therapy" thing doesn't seem to be working. Maybe you should fine a different therapist. What were you in therapy for originally, might I ask?

 

I was originally going to therapy when I was feeling depressed that my affair was fading. I felt that the therapist was trying to help me fix my marriage, but not necessarily helping me to overcome/get over my affair partner.

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Decisiontomake

A good therapist will go with what YOU want - or what they uncover that you want - they should not offer advice in the "you should do this or that" vain - keep searching and you will find one that gives you what you need - not tells you what you need, there's a difference. I've been seeing mine for about 2 years now and I would not have held on to any shred of sanity if it had not been for her.

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A good therapist will go with what YOU want - or what they uncover that you want - they should not offer advice in the "you should do this or that" vain - keep searching and you will find one that gives you what you need - not tells you what you need, there's a difference. I've been seeing mine for about 2 years now and I would not have held on to any shred of sanity if it had not been for her.

 

Do I seek marriage counseling? Even though I DO NOT want my husband to be included in any of my sessions, or just regular therapy?

Thank you

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You are exactly right....this is an addiction to me. Its the craziest feeling and only people that have been in our situation, could understand it.

Sometimes I feel like Im on top of the world. Yet, I know it can come crashing down on me in an instant.

There is no way I could ever tell my husband. I know some say thats the best way, i could never do that.

Thank you for advice and reply.

You're welcome. If I may ask, if you're not going to tell your H, how are you going to stop? It will only be a matter in time before you'll get caught if you don't find a way to stop all of this. I couldn't seem to find a way to end my A and I got caught. You already are feeling conflicted and disgusted with yourself. This going to destroy you. I became someone I hated and in the affair wasn't worth the damage. Honestly, I also wasn't that attracted to my XAP. He fed something that was missing inside of me. I was so broken inside prior the Affair that only something so destructive and unhealthy made me feel whole again. It was truly an awful experience that I don't want to live with again.

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Do I seek marriage counseling? Even though I DO NOT want my husband to be included in any of my sessions, or just regular therapy?

Thank you

 

I think you need individual therapy. Usually the Internet people come together to solve problems but I think most people will agree here that your issues need professional intervention since the nature of your affairs are so highly complicated.

 

Until you figure out exactly what you want, you won't know what to do. Seek professional help and use these forums for emotional support, but I wouldn't suggest that you would find the answers you need here.

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I was originally going to therapy when I was feeling depressed that my affair was fading. I felt that the therapist was trying to help me fix my marriage, but not necessarily helping me to overcome/get over my affair partner.

 

There are some (myself included) who think working on your M and getting over your AP can go hand in hand. I don't think you can just focus why you had an A without dealing with the issues in your M.

 

Did your H know you were going to therapy? And if so, why did he think you were going?

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You're welcome. If I may ask, if you're not going to tell your H, how are you going to stop? It will only be a matter in time before you'll get caught if you don't finI'm not d a way to stop all of this. I couldn't seem to find a way to end my A and I got caught. You already are feeling conflicted and disgusted with yourself. This going to destroy you. I became someone I hated and in the affair wasn't worth the damage. Honestly, I also wasn't that attracted to my XAP. He fed something that was missing inside of me. I was so broken inside prior the Affair that only something so destructive and unhealthy made me feel whole again. It was truly an awful experience that I don't want to live with again.

 

 

Im hoping that a good therapist and a lot of work on my end will help me get through this.

My husband is extremely protective over me. If he found out, there is no telling what he might do. Im sure this is part of my high, but I feel like I will never get caught. I know, this is not the case AT ALL!!! And I hate that im so naive and unrealistic.

You hit the nail on the head when you said the affair fed something that is missing inside of me. I dont know if its the excitement or if its the attention, i dont know. Like i said before, I'm not even attracted to the man I'm having the sexual affair with.

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There are some (myself included) who think working on your M and getting over your AP can go hand in hand. I don't think you can just focus why you had an A without dealing with the issues in your M.

 

Did your H know you were going to therapy? And if so, why did he think you were going?

 

When I noticed things were fading with my A, I became really emotional at home, crying for no reason. And of course, my H would question my behavior. I told him, which really isnt a lie, but wasnt the reason I was a mess, that I felt depressed about myself and our marriage. That our marriage lost its spark. So he knows I was going for some kind of therapy, just didnt know the whole truth.

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Im hoping that a good therapist and a lot of work on my end will help me get through this.

My husband is extremely protective over me. If he found out, there is no telling what he might do. Im sure this is part of my high, but I feel like I will never get caught. I know, this is not the case AT ALL!!! And I hate that im so naive and unrealistic.

You hit the nail on the head when you said the affair fed something that is missing inside of me. I dont know if its the excitement or if its the attention, i dont know. Like i said before, I'm not even attracted to the man I'm having the sexual affair with.

It's the nature of the beast for a wayward to think they won't get caught. I never thought I would get caught either. I think seeing a therapist and working on yourself is a good idea. Just prepare yourself for the worse. There's many stories of people finding out about their spouses affairs years after it ended.

 

Did you marry at a young age? I was in my early 20's when I met my husband. I've noticed a trend with cheating wives. A lot of us were married young, never thought we would cheat, but end up checking out of the marriage and end up being unfaithful many years later.

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When I noticed things were fading with my A, I became really emotional at home, crying for no reason. And of course, my H would question my behavior. I told him, which really isnt a lie, but wasnt the reason I was a mess, that I felt depressed about myself and our marriage. That our marriage lost its spark. So he knows I was going for some kind of therapy, just didnt know the whole truth.

 

I just wonder why that didn't spark your H into action to shed some light there is a problem here? I too think you are escaping to the A's to drown out the true issue which is that you are unhappy. Cant you seperate amicably and slowly move toward Divorce?

I know its a big step but cant you lease an apartment, coparent, get away, get therapy and make a new start? You only need to escape when you feel trapped.

You need a big change here.

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Decisiontomake

My opinion is that IC is the best for you right now - it's you that needs to work on you otherwise the foundational person (you!) is not able to make decisions any other way about anything else.

 

 

If I had my time over, I would remove myself from the affair - go to IC and then work out if I wanted to stay in my marriage - one life changing trauma at a time kinda thing!

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