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Trying to accept there is nothing I can hear from him that will make it better


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New here and I'm glad I'm not the only one trying to navigate this painful situation. Reading through these posts, it almost seems as if an affair is a syndrome as many of the symptoms sound the same, the players in the game go through the same motions.

 

 

My EA with a MM co-worker has lasted only a few short months, and ended three weeks ago with D day due to him leaving his phone out for his W to see our texts.

 

 

I know it doesn't make things better, but he had told me they were getting a divorce, and their house was put on the market. I knew it was difficult for him because of his two small children but he said he was extremely unhappy, sex life was non-existent, and he no longer felt love for his W. He also showered me with love and affection and promises. I kept my distance, but began to fall for him, especially on an emotional level because I refused to have a physical relationship with him until after divorce was finalized. He said that made him love me even more.

 

 

Because we had a good friendship, I tried to go over his options to fix his marriage through counseling, and talked with him how not seeing his kids on a daily basis may be very difficult for him. Although I felt shame for participating in this behavior, it continued because I became attached, started to believe his lies, and fell in love with a liar.

 

 

After D day, he gave me the cold shoulder for a couple of weeks, which was hard for me to handle at work. I understood that he had to take care of things at home so I gave him space. He said his wife was going to keep his girls from him.

 

 

Well, within these couple weeks, divorce is off the table, and I didn't even hear it from him. His wife texted me at work asking if I could confirm that this was purely emotional and not a physical affair. That she was making and attempt to forgive him.

 

 

I was led to believe the divorce was a mutual decision before D day. Now W finds out about me, and it draws her closer to him, and they are now working things out. I know its for the best if they can turn things around. But its not my place to speculate about their marriage, I've done enough.

 

 

I cant help but blame myself for being stupid. I truly love him enough that I've left things peaceful and without saying hurtful things or trying to express how deeply hurt I am. I told him that I hope he is looking for new work, because it is making me ill to have to see him every day. I was thinking about texting his wife something along the lines of "I hope you can encourage your H to start seeking other employment for both of our sakes." I know he still loves me, we've cried and cried over having to move on...... well that may be me still fooling myself.

 

 

Where do I go from here??

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I don't think I'd classify you as stupid. You did good by not sleeping with him and I'd say that's commendable. Getting emotionally involved may not have been your best move but he's responsible, too, for telling you things that may or may not have been true.

 

It's also possible that everything he told you was true. Marriage is a very tangled web and even when a couple thinks they're about to end things, if something jolts the situation - like an affair - it creates a very complicated range of feelings and behaviors. Men, in particular, can rarely deal with a woman's reaction when they discover that they're husband is interested in someone else. The majority of women are in denial about the whole thing, anyway.

 

Believe me, if you think you've thought about the whole work issue, his wife probably thinks about it non-stop. This is, no doubt, a HUGE issue between them right now, aside from everything else. If I were you, I'd remain cool (at least on the outside) and sit back and watch the show; let the chips fall where they may. Even bad relationships are difficult to end. It's not necessarily a reflection on how much he loves you or doesn't love you. It's always far more complicated than that when a wife and kids are involved. Men identify very closely to how well they take care of and provide for their families. It's never as easy for a man to leave as it is for women. If you notice, more women will leave a marriage; most men stay. They'll cheat, but they'll stay.

 

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

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These situations are never easy. You're right when you say that there is a lot of pain on these boards. When you end up in your situation you often think "how did I end up in this situation?"

 

From your post, it is obvious that you were kind of a helper person. You like fixing peoples problems. When he told you that he was unhappy in his marriage, that was enough for you to get involved. I think you need to detach yourself from the situation. When I mean detached, I don't mean to attach from him as a person. That's extremely tough and agonizing, especially if you're in love with him. You have to detach from the agony of the involvement of the situation rather than thinking of him as a person.

 

Often times people don't like to admit that they are bad people. You probably don't want to admit that you are a bad person, but the fact that you met up with someone's marriage inherently makes you a bad person. If you want to redeem yourself, the best thing you can do is just leave them alone. Interestingly enough, it is also how you show him that you care for him. You can show that you care for him by letting go of him.

 

In any relationship, the most important thing that you need to be concerned about is how your own needs are being taken care of. You aren't married to this man, you don't need to worry about him.

 

He obviously isn't taking care of any of your needs, if you are feeling this miserable. You just need to tell him that you were going to go so he can figure out his life. You have to see that this is the most merciful thing that you can do for him, and yet it is also the best thing you can do for yourself.

 

Good luck. It won't be easy. But deep down you know it's the right thing to do. You've been sacrificing for him for a long time. Make that final sacrifice and let him go.

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I don't think I'd classify you as stupid. You did good by not sleeping with him and I'd say that's commendable. Getting emotionally involved may not have been your best move but he's responsible, too, for telling you things that may or may not have been true.

 

It's also possible that everything he told you was true. Marriage is a very tangled web and even when a couple thinks they're about to end things, if something jolts the situation - like an affair - it creates a very complicated range of feelings and behaviors. Men, in particular, can rarely deal with a woman's reaction when they discover that they're husband is interested in someone else. The majority of women are in denial about the whole thing, anyway.

 

Believe me, if you think you've thought about the whole work issue, his wife probably thinks about it non-stop. This is, no doubt, a HUGE issue between them right now, aside from everything else. If I were you, I'd remain cool (at least on the outside) and sit back and watch the show; let the chips fall where they may. Even bad relationships are difficult to end. It's not necessarily a reflection on how much he loves you or doesn't love you. It's always far more complicated than that when a wife and kids are involved. Men identify very closely to how well they take care of and provide for their families. It's never as easy for a man to leave as it is for women. If you notice, more women will leave a marriage; most men stay. They'll cheat, but they'll stay.

 

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

 

 

I appreciate your response and insight. I do understand how hard it is for him to leave because of his family and I do believe he is a good person. I told him that I hope he is sure that this is what he wants because in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years down the road he finds he is still unhappy, it will be cruel for him to bring the divorce issue up with his wife again, and cause another round of pain. He has been found out, and this is his opportunity to act on leaving if that's what he really wanted. And by no means, am I implying leave for me. I never wanted that from the beginning. As I said, I tried to help him work through his reasons for feeling so disconnected in his marriage.

 

 

At this point, it doesn't matter if he really loves me, did love me, or whatever his intentions were with me. I am leaving him to work things out for his family. Yes, it hurts, but I wouldn't want to sway him to leave and have him resent me later. I will do the best I can at work, keep my game face, and hope one of us will find something else so there can be a complete separation.

 

 

Thanks again.

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These situations are never easy. You're right when you say that there is a lot of pain on these boards. When you end up in your situation you often think "how did I end up in this situation?"

 

From your post, it is obvious that you were kind of a helper person. You like fixing peoples problems. When he told you that he was unhappy in his marriage, that was enough for you to get involved. I think you need to detach yourself from the situation. When I mean detached, I don't mean to attach from him as a person. That's extremely tough and agonizing, especially if you're in love with him. You have to detach from the agony of the involvement of the situation rather than thinking of him as a person.

 

Often times people don't like to admit that they are bad people. You probably don't want to admit that you are a bad person, but the fact that you met up with someone's marriage inherently makes you a bad person. If you want to redeem yourself, the best thing you can do is just leave them alone. Interestingly enough, it is also how you show him that you care for him. You can show that you care for him by letting go of him.

 

In any relationship, the most important thing that you need to be concerned about is how your own needs are being taken care of. You aren't married to this man, you don't need to worry about him.

 

He obviously isn't taking care of any of your needs, if you are feeling this miserable. You just need to tell him that you were going to go so he can figure out his life. You have to see that this is the most merciful thing that you can do for him, and yet it is also the best thing you can do for yourself.

 

Good luck. It won't be easy. But deep down you know it's the right thing to do. You've been sacrificing for him for a long time. Make that final sacrifice and let him go.

 

 

Hi Fusion,

 

 

I can admit I have acted like a bad person in this situation. I don't believe I am inherently bad, as I have been led on from him to believe this divorce was a mutual decision that was moving along. I feel terrible for my part in hurting his wife. I was dating someone for a short while when MM and I first started expressing our feelings to one another. I broke it off with my bf because MM was jealous and I couldn't just date my bf to have something to keep me occupied, and my heart was with MM. I feel in a messed up way I was more faithful to MM than he was to his W and me. I've told him this too.

 

 

Things are over now. I was just reaching out for advice on how to handle work and if I should text W that I hope she will encourage him to look for a new job. I feel that he will stay because he will be able to see me everyday. And when and if he leaves, it will be complete NC and that is what I want, but I honestly do not think that is what he wants. Our numbers are blocked per his W's request. I never added him to social media because I was semi skeptical from start. I don't even know if I'm making sense. Its been a long dreadful 3 weeks at work and going home to my racing thoughts full of guilt, grief, anger, depression, ect. Me admitting I am a bad person is the easiest part of this all.

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Hi Fusion,

 

 

I can admit I have acted like a bad person in this situation. I don't believe I am inherently bad, as I have been led on from him to believe this divorce was a mutual decision that was moving along. I feel terrible for my part in hurting his wife. I was dating someone for a short while when MM and I first started expressing our feelings to one another. I broke it off with my bf because MM was jealous and I couldn't just date my bf to have something to keep me occupied, and my heart was with MM. I feel in a messed up way I was more faithful to MM than he was to his W and me. I've told him this too.

 

 

Things are over now. I was just reaching out for advice on how to handle work and if I should text W that I hope she will encourage him to look for a new job. I feel that he will stay because he will be able to see me everyday. And when and if he leaves, it will be complete NC and that is what I want, but I honestly do not think that is what he wants. Our numbers are blocked per his W's request. I never added him to social media because I was semi skeptical from start. I don't even know if I'm making sense. Its been a long dreadful 3 weeks at work and going home to my racing thoughts full of guilt, grief, anger, depression, ect. Me admitting I am a bad person is the easiest part of this all.

 

Sounds like you're going through a really rough time. Have you considered perhaps it's best for yourself to look for another job? I commend you for not put yourself too deep into this, for not getting physically involved, as that would've fostered your emotional connection to a whole new level. Personally if I were you, I would consider looking for other options for jobs. Extricate yourself from the situation rather than waiting for him to fix something for you. You need to Live your own life.

 

Try to think of this as a wonderful learning experience, that way it will be easier to move on. Try to limit those bad feelings and think positively of the situation.

Edited by FusionCutter
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If you really feel bad for what you did to his wife, leave her alone. His job situation is none of your business. Take care of your own life and stop giving them headspace.

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Do NOT text the wife about him finding a new job. That is you using an excuse to stay in the know. Why don't you find a new job?

 

I wish women would really get to know a man prior to jumping into anything with them. You knew he was married. So many do. But it is obvious you didn't really know him or you would have realized he was still living at home, married and just looking for some attention.

 

He used the same lines on you that other MM use...no sex at home, wife is a meanie, wife will take kids away, etc. yet, these same men willingly give up their time with their kids by engaging in an affair. As for the no sex, if you need to believe that.....go read the infidelity section...plenty of wives having sex with their spouse while he was cheating, unbeknownst to them.

 

Finally, this isn't the 1950's, kids can't be withheld without consequences. This MM wasn't concerned about not being with his kids since he was off having an affair with you --- texting you when he could have been helping with himework, soccer practice, etc. these lies they tell to get attention are so transparent and it boggles my mind why women continue to believe this crap.

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If you really feel bad for what you did to his wife, leave her alone. His job situation is none of your business. Take care of your own life and stop giving them headspace.

 

 

Wow, I can take harsh criticism, but I think you are a little off here. Yes, I need to stop giving them headspace. But this has just happened, I'm hurt, I was lied to. His job situation is my business because I work there too. And although I don't love my job, I like it, and it is not exactly an instant process for me to find a new job. I'm a medical professional and what I do where I work is important to me. I don't feel it's fair for me to have to give that up when he is the one that lied to both me and his W. Why would he want to stay if he is going to play devoted H to his W now that he has been caught. Why would W be okay with that as well. What lies is he telling her that she is okay with that? There I am giving them headspace. I don't enjoy it. But its fresh, I have questions I'll never have answers to. What they are doing in their marriage is none of my business. But it doesn't change the fact that I am hurt and confused even if I brought this all upon myself.

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Do NOT text the wife about him finding a new job. That is you using an excuse to stay in the know. Why don't you find a new job?

 

I wish women would really get to know a man prior to jumping into anything with them. You knew he was married. So many do. But it is obvious you didn't really know him or you would have realized he was still living at home, married and just looking for some attention.

 

He used the same lines on you that other MM use...no sex at home, wife is a meanie, wife will take kids away, etc. yet, these same men willingly give up their time with their kids by engaging in an affair. As for the no sex, if you need to believe that.....go read the infidelity section...plenty of wives having sex with their spouse while he was cheating, unbeknownst to them.

 

Finally, this isn't the 1950's, kids can't be withheld without consequences. This MM wasn't concerned about not being with his kids since he was off having an affair with you --- texting you when he could have been helping with himework, soccer practice, etc. these lies they tell to get attention are so transparent and it boggles my mind why women continue to believe this crap.

 

 

See above post on why it is not my immediate priority to get a new job. It's not just a job, it's my career.

 

 

Yes, reading through here, as I stated in my original post, I see the exact same lies over and over. Why I fell for them is probably because of my own stupidity and low self-esteem. I have chosen to do the right thing after some time participating in the wrong thing. I am looking for support on how to feel okay again.

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Wow, I can take harsh criticism, but I think you are a little off here. Yes, I need to stop giving them headspace. But this has just happened, I'm hurt, I was lied to. His job situation is my business because I work there too. And although I don't love my job, I like it, and it is not exactly an instant process for me to find a new job. I'm a medical professional and what I do where I work is important to me. I don't feel it's fair for me to have to give that up when he is the one that lied to both me and his W. Why would he want to stay if he is going to play devoted H to his W now that he has been caught. Why would W be okay with that as well. What lies is he telling her that she is okay with that? There I am giving them headspace. I don't enjoy it. But its fresh, I have questions I'll never have answers to. What they are doing in their marriage is none of my business. But it doesn't change the fact that I am hurt and confused even if I brought this all upon myself.

 

I realize you are hurt and confused, and I hope this experience will lead you to make better choices next time (such as not playing marriage counselor to someone you have an interest in). But I stand by my comment. Leave his wife alone. You can only control your own situation; there is nothing good to be gained by intruding on her further.

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Wow, I can take harsh criticism, but I think you are a little off here. Yes, I need to stop giving them headspace. But this has just happened, I'm hurt, I was lied to. His job situation is my business because I work there too. And although I don't love my job, I like it, and it is not exactly an instant process for me to find a new job. I'm a medical professional and what I do where I work is important to me. I don't feel it's fair for me to have to give that up when he is the one that lied to both me and his W. Why would he want to stay if he is going to play devoted H to his W now that he has been caught. Why would W be okay with that as well. What lies is he telling her that she is okay with that? There I am giving them headspace. I don't enjoy it. But its fresh, I have questions I'll never have answers to. What they are doing in their marriage is none of my business. But it doesn't change the fact that I am hurt and confused even if I brought this all upon myself.

 

The answer to those questions is, "it doesn't matter". I know you're going through a tough time, but the best thing for you to do is to put your hands in your own pockets and just walk away from the situation. You need to take care of yourself and stop obsessing and worrying over him. Once you detach and let go, you'll start feeling a lot better for yourself - let him go. It just isn't worth it if you're hurting so bad. You can help yourself get through this.

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Ugh. I'm sitting here on a Saturday night alone with my thoughts. I tried to sleep most of the day away. I know that's not a good sign.

 

 

My goal of coming here and reading others' experiences is to eventually turn my sorrowful pitiful self into a confident woman who has learned a great deal from what I've been through.

 

 

Some of the posters on here who have been in my place sound so confident and self assured and I want to know how I'll get there too. I never wanted to settle. I did want to believe that what he was telling was true.

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I can relate to much of the pain you've described. There is nothing that can make the situation better other than distance and time. Take care of yourself and stay away from MM as much as you can. Healing will take time but it will happen.

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But this has just happened, I'm hurt, I was lied to. *It has been three weeks, not 3 days.His job situation is my business because I work there too. *It isn't your business. You are trying to make it your business. You didn't mind him working there when you were involved with him. And although I don't love my job, I like it, and it is not exactly an instant process for me to find a new job. *Nor is it for him but in your opinion, he should quit "his" career so that you can be comfortable. How is that fair?? I'm a medical professional and what I do where I work is important to me. I don't feel it's fair for me to have to give that up when he is the one that lied to both me and his W. *People lie. I am sure there are others at your work place that have lied. Again, he doesn't have to change jobs just because you want him to. You entered the affair with him. You knew he was married. Why would he want to stay if he is going to play devoted H to his W now that he has been caught. *what? What does his decision to "play devoted H to his wife" have to do with anything? Why the bitterness towards his wife? What has she done to you? Because she chose to stay with her H and not just walking away so you can be with him? You've only known him a few months! Why would W be okay with that as well. *That's none of your business, again. Maybe it is a decision they chose together -- he has a family to support and him just up and leaving puts his family in jeopardy. What lies is he telling her that she is okay with that? There I am giving them headspace. I don't enjoy it. But its fresh, I have questions I'll never have answers to. What they are doing in their marriage is none of my business. But it doesn't change the fact that I am hurt and confused even if I brought this all upon myself.

 

Responses above in bold. I understand you are hurting. Be glad she found out when she did - and you sound really pissed that she saw the messages. Just think how you would feel if this went on for 6 more months or years! Yes, you got used. And that sucks. I think every person on the planet has had a bad relationship / felt used / got hurt at some point in their life. All any of us can do is examine our choices, our actions and learn from them. You will get there -- just don't sit around thinking about "what ifs" or replaying the baloney he fed you. Learn from this and move forward with your life.

Edited by jellybean89
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Responses above in bold. I understand you are hurting. Be glad she found out when she did - and you sound really pissed that she saw the messages. Just think how you would feel if this went on for 6 more months or years! Yes, you got used. And that sucks. I think every person on the planet has had a bad relationship / felt used / got hurt at some point in their life. All any of us can do is examine our choices, our actions and learn from them. You will get there -- just don't sit around thinking about "what ifs" or replaying the baloney he fed you. Learn from this and move forward with your life.

 

Truth hurts. Sometimes even more than the lies. I want to move forward. The work situation complicates this process, but I will feel empowered once I come to a place of indifference towards him.

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I can relate to much of the pain you've described. There is nothing that can make the situation better other than distance and time. Take care of yourself and stay away from MM as much as you can. Healing will take time but it will happen.

 

 

I've read some of your posts, and the beginnings of our A's sound similar. I can't imagine holding on for 3 years. I hope you are finding yourself in a better place.

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Ugh. I'm sitting here on a Saturday night alone with my thoughts. I tried to sleep most of the day away. I know that's not a good sign.

 

 

My goal of coming here and reading others' experiences is to eventually turn my sorrowful pitiful self into a confident woman who has learned a great deal from what I've been through.

 

 

Some of the posters on here who have been in my place sound so confident and self assured and I want to know how I'll get there too. I never wanted to settle. I did want to believe that what he was telling was true.

 

Some of us might sound confident, but honestly it's a lot easier to give advice than to take it. A lot of people that give good advice are often the ones that have suffered a lot. From the sounds of it, you sound like a person that could easily bounce back from this. Take a day by day. Maybe you feel that nothing changes, but honestly every day is a change but eventually, this will feel like an experience rather than pain.

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It's a bad place to be in. It's painful and it will take time for the feelings die down.

 

YOu asked where to go from here?

 

Firstly, do not go back near the xMM or his wife. Leave them be. It's none of your business . Walk away and you are the winner. Imagine being stuck with a douche bag like him for the rest of your life????

 

Secondly , realise that what is or is not happening with them no longer matters to your life.

 

Resolve to let go of the situation altogether and never go back there. I always think some counselling is a great idea, even a couple of sessions.

 

Get yourself a new job if you have to. Other people have done it in the circumstances. It might just have to be a consequence of your actions.

 

Take good care of yourself and don't think I am being harsh on you. It took me 6 years to get out of the mess I was in. It would be awful to see you waste that many years.

 

Poppy

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Can you get a new job? That would be a fresh start.

 

Don't text his wife - it may set off a $hit storm you don't need.

 

I think your new rule is best for your future. No dating any separated men. Make sure you have proof the D is final.

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Can you get a new job? That would be a fresh start.

 

Don't text his wife - it may set off a $hit storm you don't need.

 

I think your new rule is best for your future. No dating any separated men. Make sure you have proof the D is final.

 

 

 

 

No, I'm not going to text her. She had texted me on Thursday to confirm it was strictly EA and not PA. Took me by surprise. I started this thread on Friday and had those kinds of thoughts brewing, but I'm glad I held off.

 

 

I will look for other job opportunities, and will feel blessed if I find something sooner rather than later. In the meantime I still have to navigate how I will handle work.

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Handle work as if he doesn't exist.

 

Keep any answers to him as a simple yes or no response.

 

You are there to work - so focus on working.

 

 

He's a blatant liar and a cheater - nothing about that is even remotely attractive - keep that in mind while giving him your short answer.

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Handle work as if he doesn't exist.

 

Keep any answers to him as a simple yes or no response.

 

You are there to work - so focus on working.

 

 

He's a blatant liar and a cheater - nothing about that is even remotely attractive - keep that in mind while giving him your short answer.

 

 

Thanks for this, it does help as I am already anxious for tomorrow morning and the start of a new work week. I've been on the cloud with him during our time of bliss that it will be good for me to put more effort towards what I want to accomplish with my work.

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Feeling ill. Wasted the whole weekend away doing nothing. I just have to make it through this work week and then I will do something nice for myself next weekend.

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Feeling ill. Wasted the whole weekend away doing nothing. I just have to make it through this work week and then I will do something nice for myself next weekend.

 

Huh? Do some nice things for yourself each and every day!

 

If you don't treat yourself well - why should anyone else?

 

Take a bath. Buy flowers. Cook yourself a nice meal.

 

Every day is an opportunity to be good to yourself!

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