torn87 Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 I am married and have been having an affair with a married man for a few months and it only recently dawned on me what the hell would I do or say if his wife confronted me? Neither of us have any plans to end the affair any time soon we both hope to be together some day but neither one of us think it will really happen. Its as if we are both just waiting for the breaking point to happen either one of us can't handle the situation or one of us gets caught. When I brought my fears up to my affair partner he said I should tell her I love him and I couldn't believe that is how he would want me to respond to a woman he at least at one point loved and respected. Does anyone have any advice on how I should handle her questions should she have any for me? I expect she would just want to insult me and tell me to stay away but I'm terrified shell want to understand or want answeres I don't want to say anything to anger hurt or get my affair partner in trouble but at the same time I don't think I could lie to her...please help Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 I am married and have been having an affair with a married man for a few months and it only recently dawned on me what the hell would I do or say if his wife confronted me? Neither of us have any plans to end the affair any time soon we both hope to be together some day but neither one of us think it will really happen. Its as if we are both just waiting for the breaking point to happen either one of us can't handle the situation or one of us gets caught. When I brought my fears up to my affair partner he said I should tell her I love him and I couldn't believe that is how he would want me to respond to a woman he at least at one point loved and respected. Does anyone have any advice on how I should handle her questions should she have any for me? I expect she would just want to insult me and tell me to stay away but I'm terrified shell want to understand or want answeres I don't want to say anything to anger hurt or get my affair partner in trouble but at the same time I don't think I could lie to her...please help Read your own post. It has all the reasons you could ever need to end your involvement. It's dangerous and you recognize that. To avoid and protect yourself, I think you need to end it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author torn87 Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 I fully realize I should end this for many many reasons and I will in time when I'm ready to let go but right now I'm just completely at a loss on how to handle a conversation with the other mans wife has anyone ever had a confrontation like this before where the betrayed spouse wanted answers from the affair partner instead of their spouse? I'm mostly asking because I dont want to hurt her but id want to do damage control and not have my marriage or affair affected by my answers quite a long list I realize but I guess if anyone had confronted their spouses affair partner what did you want from them or if you were confronted by an affair partners spouse what did they want from you? Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 I fully realize I should end this for many many reasons and I will in time when I'm ready to let go but right now I'm just completely at a loss on how to handle a conversation with the other mans wife has anyone ever had a confrontation like this before where the betrayed spouse wanted answers from the affair partner instead of their spouse? I'm mostly asking because I dont want to hurt her but id want to do damage control and not have my marriage or affair affected by my answers quite a long list I realize but I guess if anyone had confronted their spouses affair partner what did you want from them or if you were confronted by an affair partners spouse what did they want from you? You say you don't want to hurt her but your actions defy what you're saying. Every day you stay longer in the affair, you are hurting her every day. The sooner you let it go the better you will be able to handle that confrontation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 When I brought my fears up to my affair partner he said I should tell her I love him That sounds like something a passive aggressive person would say. Like a "YOU don't love me, but SHE does" kind of thing. Does he have a lot of resentment towards her? Maybe he felt neglected by her or that she was not meeting his needs in some way? Your affair has the potential to cause a whole lot of pain. Once discovered, you will have no control over the outcome, your spouses reaction or the consequences you may face. You are worrying about her finding out & calling you because you don't want to have to answer for your behavior, even though you know deep down it's wrong. Right now, it hasn't negatively impacted your life because you haven't felt any consequences. But that impending doom is creeping in. Your logic is starting to penetrate the fantasy. Will you let it in and seriously consider the impact your choices may have? Or will you keep hoping, wishing & waiting? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 (edited) I fully realize I should end this for many many reasons and I will in time when I'm ready to let go but right now I'm just completely at a loss on how to handle a conversation with the other mans wife has anyone ever had a confrontation like this before where the betrayed spouse wanted answers from the affair partner instead of their spouse? I'm mostly asking because I dont want to hurt her but id want to do damage control and not have my marriage or affair affected by my answers quite a long list I realize but I guess if anyone had confronted their spouses affair partner what did you want from them or if you were confronted by an affair partners spouse what did they want from you? You are really asking what is the best way to protect you. There is no such thing! If this blows up... You're hoping you get a chance to control the outcome. What if she tells your husband? And why answer her at all if you plan to continue the affair as you don't want that affected either? Edited October 31, 2014 by purplesorrow 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author torn87 Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 I know this could hurt her but I don't feel like she's my responsibility and as far as not feeling the consequences I have numerous times my husband knows about the affair and we are trying to work things out and I'm very grateful to his understand compassion and patience. As far as my affair partners comment yes it was very weird it totally threw me he is definitely not getting his needs met with her and is somehow with me much to what I'm doing as well some need of mine is not being met I'm still trying to figure out what my needs are so I can end this affair and work on my marriage I have no clue what my affair partners intentions are he still sound very confused and seems like he would rather I end things or have his wife ended things he definitely does not want to be the bad guy and end anything on either end ... I just know the damaging result from having conversations with my husband after he found out about the affair I told him things that I now know I should not have and I just don't want to do the same thing with the affair partners wife should anything happen...it seems like the wife confronting the other woman is a pretty rare occurance Link to post Share on other sites
Be_Strong Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 It amazes me how people in an affair will worry about trivial things to avoid the giant problems facing them that they should be worrying about and dealing with. When this affair blows up, trust me that the MM's wife's questions will be the least of your concerns. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
snappytomcat Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 I know this could hurt her but I don't feel like she's my responsibility and as far as not feeling the consequences I have numerous times my husband knows about the affair and we are trying to work things out and I'm very grateful to his understand compassion and patience. As far as my affair partners comment yes it was very weird it totally threw me he is definitely not getting his needs met with her and is somehow with me much to what I'm doing as well some need of mine is not being met I'm still trying to figure out what my needs are so I can end this affair and work on my marriage I have no clue what my affair partners intentions are he still sound very confused and seems like he would rather I end things or have his wife ended things he definitely does not want to be the bad guy and end anything on either end ... I just know the damaging result from having conversations with my husband after he found out about the affair I told him things that I now know I should not have and I just don't want to do the same thing with the affair partners wife should anything happen...it seems like the wife confronting the other woman is a pretty rare occurance wow am I reading this right?your husband knows and you guys are trying to work it out,but don't want to stop the affair,pure selfishness you need to make up your mind,let your husband go let him find some happiness with someone esle 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author torn87 Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 I'm pretty concerned about everything big and little the big things is why did I do this why wasn't I happy in my marriage and with myself what was my life lacking that I felt the need to look elsewhere and complicate things its a very long process and other concerns pop up as you try to open your personnel can of worms its not an over night hey I'm gonna worry about this problem and only this problem until its solved so I don't understand how your amazed at how the human brain can function and obsess over trivial things or why that comment was warrented it wasn't helpful or even pertinent to the question Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Hi, You said.. Its as if we are both just waiting for the breaking point to happen either one of us can't handle the situation or one of us gets caught. Then you said your husband found out. Is your husband aware you are still seeing her? If you don't know what to say to her then avoid her. Which is best to do if you plan to lie to her or cover for your AP. I would worry more about whether your husband will confront your AP or tell his wife if you continue since he knows already. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Are you saying that your husband knows about the affair and knows you aren't ready to end it? Has he mentioned telling your NM's wife? Does your MM know that your H knows about the affair? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 I'm pretty concerned about everything big and little the big things is why did I do this why wasn't I happy in my marriage and with myself what was my life lacking that I felt the need to look elsewhere and complicate things its a very long process and other concerns pop up as you try to open your personnel can of worms its not an over night hey I'm gonna worry about this problem and only this problem until its solved so I don't understand how your amazed at how the human brain can function and obsess over trivial things or why that comment was warrented it wasn't helpful or even pertinent to the question I don't believe you will be able to figure those things out while you are still having the affair. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author torn87 Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 Yes snappytom cat he does know and for reasons unbeknownst to me he says I can make him happy that I'm the one he wants o feel he deserves better than me he definitely deserves better treatment from me but he and I both know this is a self destructive pattern I will repeat until I figure why I did it and he thinks once I've figured that out that he and I could have something great together I agree with this so we are trying g to work things out but in the meantime if he meets someone else he is allowed to persue other relatio ships I do t want him missing out on happiness cuz I have issues...we are legally married but everything is kind of tenuous and open and new and raw its all very weird and I'm really lucky he's sticking my my side and being so supposrtice Link to post Share on other sites
Be_Strong Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 It also strikes me how all shreds of humanity seem to disappear with a person in an affair. You say the other wife's hurt is none of your responsibility? If you were walking down the sidewalk and saw a man dying on the ground, do you just step over him and say, "not my responsibility."? Actually, a better analogy is that you are walking down a sidewalk and you see a woman walking with crutches and you kick one of the crutches out of her hands and she falls, breaking her neck. You then step over her and go your own way. Not your responsibility. Reading these forums is depressing because you realize how many people in this work lack even common decency. A bunch of animals blindly reacting to hormones and doing only what they selfishly believe will benefit them. You don't even have to be religious to live by creeds such as the Golden Rule. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author torn87 Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 Yes my MM knows that my husband knows about the affair and my H originally did want to confront my MM and his wife but realized how pointless that would be because it wouldn't help him figure out what he wanted so why bother with the drama he knows I'm still seeing the MM and that I will stop seeing him when I realize what I'm getting from that guy that I should be getting g from my marriage...and to be strong no I would not do any of what u just mentioned I just feel its the MM responsibility to end the affair to protect his wife not mine to end the affair to protect his wife if I was going to end the affair it would be to protect my husband before a complete stranger Link to post Share on other sites
snappytomcat Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Yes snappytom cat he does know and for reasons unbeknownst to me he says I can make him happy that I'm the one he wants o feel he deserves better than me he definitely deserves better treatment from me but he and I both know this is a self destructive pattern I will repeat until I figure why I did it and he thinks once I've figured that out that he and I could have something great together I agree with this so we are trying g to work things out but in the meantime if he meets someone else he is allowed to persue other relatio ships I do t want him missing out on happiness cuz I have issues...we are legally married but everything is kind of tenuous and open and new and raw its all very weird and I'm really lucky he's sticking my my side and being so supposrtice you need to make the decision to go nc with the mm,read through these boards the ow rarely stays with mm,and shes usually left devastated,can you try some ic and mc with your husband but you definitely sounds like you need ic first good luck op,i hope you can figure these issues out,but you cant while still with mm,you need to work on yourself 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Yes my MM knows that my husband knows about the affair and my H originally did want to confront my MM and his wife but realized how pointless that would be because it wouldn't help him figure out what he wanted so why bother with the drama he knows I'm still seeing the MM and that I will stop seeing him when I realize what I'm getting from that guy that I should be getting g from my marriage...and to be strong no I would not do any of what u just mentioned I just feel its the MM responsibility to end the affair to protect his wife not mine to end the affair to protect his wife if I was going to end the affair it would be to protect my husband before a complete stranger Well being that three of you are now aware of the affair, why not let the BW have the same rights as the three of you? The affair is DRAMA. It already exists. All three of you are playing a volatile game with the fourths life. I believe in most circumstances there is absolutely nothing you can say to paint yourself in a positive light to the BW. You yourself state...her emotional well-being is not your responsibility...why would you then expect her to be concerned about yours? Life doesn't work that way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 One day his wife will find out. Why your husband sticks around is beyond me, but for all you know he could have his own plans. It is very selfish of both you and OM but at least you told your husband. Does your OM have nothing to loose? I wonder because of the chances he is taking. He should tell her and let her make her own decision based on the facts. She may be fed up enough that she will divorce him and you could have him. You both have the same things in common can you imagine what a mess that could be if you were together. You can not work on your marriage while being with OM. You need to give all the attention to your husband. Think about your future the and how now can effect that. I hope you try hard to make your marriage work because I really do not see a good things coming from being with OM. I hope the best for you in life. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Be_Strong Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Torn, I apologize about ranting earlier. Bad day for me. Shouldn't have taken it out on you in your thread. So I'll try to give you good advice. First, although your husband means well, you actually aren't lucky to have his "support." I know it sounds counterintuitive, but it would have been better for everyone involved if he had acted more forcefully--either to blow up the affair and try to end it or leave you. The sitting and waiting for you to come around will keep you all in a perpetual state of limbo, which is the worst thing for everyone. As long as you're not forced to make a decision about what you want to do, you'll never make the decision. Second, if you don't want to tell the other wife about the affair, force your AP to do it. Tell him he either tells his wife everything or you're done with him. Again, it's gonna happen eventually and that event will tell you everything about whether your AP intends to stay with his wife or move on with you. Might as well find that out sooner rather than later and spare your husband the pain of having to wait on you. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 I little about your husband first. There is one of two things going on with him. 1) he gets some kind of sexual enjoyment from the thought of you being with another man or 2) he himself is involved in an affair. Now I know the first thing you will likely think is "my husband would never" which is par for the course with unfaithful spouses to think they cornered the market in the marriage on infidelity. Now to your question. Dday with your AP will be so much different then you are expecting. Its more likely that it will be not only his wife but also him on the attack. He will more likely toss you away like the wrappers from a fast food joint. Lastly, what are you working out with your husband if your goal is to be with MM? That makes no sense to me. Why go through "working on it"? And does your husband REALLY know this affair in on going? Or does he think you've ended it? It just feels like this story doesn't make much sense. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
herself Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 I know this could hurt her but I don't feel like she's my responsibility and as far as not feeling the consequences I have numerous times my husband knows about the affair and we are trying to work things out and I'm very grateful to his understand compassion and patience. As far as my affair partners comment yes it was very weird it totally threw me he is definitely not getting his needs met with her and is somehow with me much to what I'm doing as well some need of mine is not being met I'm still trying to figure out what my needs are so I can end this affair and work on my marriage I have no clue what my affair partners intentions are he still sound very confused and seems like he would rather I end things or have his wife ended things he definitely does not want to be the bad guy and end anything on either end ... I just know the damaging result from having conversations with my husband after he found out about the affair I told him things that I now know I should not have and I just don't want to do the same thing with the affair partners wife should anything happen...it seems like the wife confronting the other woman is a pretty rare occurance Maybe you should confront her then with the truth to avoid the surprise potential confrontation from her. Tell her your sorry, you fell in love, your husband knows, you feel she deserves the truth and you're willing to end it for everyone's sake. If you feel he is only holding on to not be the bad guy...then...it's doomed. Is all this fear and hurt worth it? Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 (edited) first off, there is no way you can even begin to work on your marriage while still in the affair. it seems like you want to indulge in the affair, all the while leaving your husband as the consolation prize when all is said and done. then you can go back to your mundane life. at least that's the way it looks like to me. secondly, it is beyond me why your husband is being so passive when it comes to this situation. like someone already pointed out, he either "gets off on it," or he's buring his head in the sand hoping he can win you back somehow. either way, neither of you are taking steps to end this affair. this OM's wife needs to be informed. it's a cruel joke all three of you are playing on this woman. Edited November 1, 2014 by Artie Lang Link to post Share on other sites
curiousGeorge2 Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 (edited) I really think this is something between your AP and his wife. She should confront her husband not you. Whether to end the affair is a whole different matter. Edited November 1, 2014 by curiousGeorge2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 I really think this is something between your AP and his wife. She should confront her husband not you. Whether to end the affair is a whole different matter. Yes I think this is the most respectful way to go about things. Link to post Share on other sites
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