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What made/would make, you tell the BS?


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After reading a couple of threads on the subject I am curious about it.

 

 

My ex's secret girlfriend never told me herself per se, but a lot of other people in the know did.

 

 

So what did/would, be your reason as the affair partner for spilling the beans? Honestly...

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After reading a couple of threads on the subject I am curious about it.

 

 

My ex's secret girlfriend never told me herself per se, but a lot of other people in the know did.

 

 

So what did/would, be your reason as the affair partner for spilling the beans? Honestly...

 

I think it has something to do with the fact that these people think that they are sacrificing themselves for something worth it at the end. And when they don't get it or realize that simply the MM/MW aren't leaving and they feel deceived, they lash out in vengeance.

 

What they don't see is that telling them themselves is probably the worst thing that they could do for their own self-respect and respect for other people. In my opinion, Telling the BS, as OM/OW is a purely selfish act. It has nothing to do with the "right thing".

 

The "right thing" is simply to butt out and no longer get involved in such damaging behavior. It's just not your mess to clean up.

 

However, if the person does not know that they were married, then I think that they have every right to tell the BS. In one case one is a accomplice to deception and betrayal, and the other case both people are victims. Big difference.

Edited by FusionCutter
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Fusion has the right idea.

 

I think people lash out in anger and do it for revenge.

 

It's not something to be done lightly. It could destroy the BS forever.

 

Could not would not ever contemplate doing that.

 

Poppy.

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I would have never said anything and am not a fan of telling the BS simply b/c it is not the OW' s place to do so. There are certain times I have advised it, such as in the case of pregnancy of the BS and her health being an issue if WS has multiple partners etc.

 

But generally speaking I am in the do not tell camp.

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Decisiontomake

Definitely in the do not tell camp. And I've been on both sides - as a BS that was told by the OW and as a WS having had an affair with a MM. My finding out about my husbands affair caused irrevocable damage that we overcame at the time but that lost my respect for him which ultimately festered like a cancer and led to lots of other issues. As an OW I would never put a BS through that - it would purely be for revenge which I would later hate myself for. Sadly most MM will slot back in to their marriages. Some have one affair and that's it. Many have multiple. I know there's arguments either way but for me the BS may be living a happy life - sure I get that it's built on something that they don't know about - but I wouldn't implode that.

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I think everyone deserves to live an authentic life. So I think the BS has the right to know and OWs motivations don't matter.

 

I never understand why people tell OW not to tell if OW is only doing it for revenge. The important thing is that the BS gets important information that is relevant to their lives. OW doesn't care about BS during the affair, but is expected to be altruistic is the aftermath? And if she isn't, then BS deserves to stay in the dark? It's the affair, not the reporting of it, that is hurting the BS.

 

We all should be able to make informed choices, and the last person BS needs to "protect" her from the truth is OW. It's presumptuous to assume BS wouldn't want to know, and it's ridiculous to think BS would only want to know if OWs motivations are pure.

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simply b/c it is not the OW' s place to do so.

So nice to see that OW are cognizant of their "place." Apparently it is their place to intrude into another woman's marriage and have an affair with that woman's husband.

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I personally didnt have a desire to ever tell the BS - I only thought how that would bring pain to her and I didnt want to be a part of that. (Yes, I know not congruent with having the A with her husband)

 

Later, after being very hurt lied to manipulated, etc...I fantasized about telling her. Again, same conclusion: it would hurt her, not necessarily him.

 

As an aside, I find it a bit comical almost that a MM can mistreat their AP and not expect to eventually have one turn on him and tell BS. Operating from a point of hurt can invoke some spite in some people.

 

Later I considered telling her anonomously - once I found out he had as many random hookups as possible with everyone/anyone who complied. I would tell her to get tested for STDs. And maybe to wake up and stop being made a fool of over and over.

 

Turns out I didnt need to, she contacted me. I was still in an affair fog, and a betrayal fog; I still felt loyal to him and didnt tell her enough. I also tried to be vague hoping it would hurt her less. Stupid now I know. (Like I said we were inappropriate considering he is married. Not sexual details regarding.)

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Lernaean_Hydra
In my opinion, Telling the BS, as OM/OW is a purely selfish act. It has nothing to do with the "right thing".

 

I feel like why someone tells doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. The end result is the same; the truth is out there and now the BS isn't living in the dark. A courtesy MM and OW never paid her before.

 

It's like, if you have a neighbor you hate whose house is on fire, telling them so would be the "right thing" to do. Even though you loathe them and were only telling them because you wanted to see their devastation as their home burned to the ground.

 

The "right thing" is simply to butt out and no longer get involved in such damaging behavior. It's just not your mess to clean up.

 

I...WHAT!? Wow, yeah I wholeheartedly disagree. Those kinds of statements never made sense to me. I'm actually incredulous. You played a major role. If it's not - at least partially - "your mess" then whose is it?

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What would have made me tell the BS? Nothing. His R with her was between them, just as my R with him was none of her business.

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The other woman threatened all the time to tell if my partner didn't leave me for her, but she never did. I knew, I'm not daft. I just had to gather the strength to get rid of her for good. It took a little while to get sick of it. I was broken, self esteem in the gutter.

 

 

Funny thing, when I sent her packing, she would have walked over hot coals to get me back. Tough. Too little too late. Now I have a life with someone who deserves me, and who I deserve to be with.

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What would have made me tell the BS? Nothing. His R with her was between them, just as my R with him was none of her business.

Can't quite get my head round that one........

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After reading a couple of threads on the subject I am curious about it.

 

 

My ex's secret girlfriend never told me herself per se, but a lot of other people in the know did.

 

 

So what did/would, be your reason as the affair partner for spilling the beans? Honestly...

 

Reaching out to her and telling her didn't ever cross my mind.

 

However, if she had ever reached out to me for some reason and asked about the nature of our relationship I wouldn't have denied it.

 

I'd probably only reach out first in the case of if I'd gotten pregnant and he was trying to hide or deny it or if I found out he had multiple OW or something like that.

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Nothing, ever.

 

I posted my situation in another thread, 13 years, on-and-off, with a MW who was my senior in the company we both worked for. Looking back, we both had something over each other in a way, in that she was risking her marriage and children (who grew up during the course of our affair), I was risking my job - because at the time, she was far more valuable to the company than I was.

 

The affair finished just after we'd both lost our jobs, so in a way, I no longer have anything to lose. She finished with me, I would have continued indefinitely to be honest, though things were a little rough between us for the first time near the end, while the threat of redundancy was hanging over everyone in the company. I am angrier than I was. Yet I still have a strange loyalty to her I can't get over, and could never turn her life upside down like that. Whenever she thinks of me, she will at least know that I never broke a promise to her and never betrayed her in any way.

 

It sounds selfish, but how the BH feels doesn't really enter the equation. I don't know him, never met him, what I know of him doesn't really make me feel that he's a shrinking violet who would be crushed by finding out. I don't know if he knows or not to be honest, but I wouldn't want to take the risk that it turns nasty between them, as stupidly, idiotically, I still want my MW to be happy whoever its with. And I wouldn't want her sons - 20 and 23 now - to be hurt or to think less of her, because I know they mean the world to her and that would hurt her more than anything.

 

Only person who know rough details is my mum, and she will never tell either.

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Lernaean_Hydra
What would have made me tell the BS? Nothing. His R with her was between them, just as my R with him was none of her business.

 

Wow, it's barely 8AM on Halloween yet this is still probably the scariest thing I'll see all day...

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Redheaded Mistress

We got caught, nobody told anything. We got caught and admitted it.

 

Generally, I think it's up to the partner to tell their BS about the affair, not the OW/OM. Leave it to me to tell my spouse, I leave it to you to tell yours. Even if our relationship is the committed one, it's an exit affair, or one or both of us are planning on leaving, it's still not on me to tell the BS. I don't and never had the relationship with her, you did have a relationship with her at one point and, as such, it's got to be you that tells her. Honestly, even if she knew and called for details, I most likely wouldn't tell her a thing. I never did tell my MM's wife much of anything.

 

If you don't want to tell... Well, that's your choice, your problem.

 

And if I find out about an affair that friends are having? No way I'm getting involved in that. I'm not telling the BS about that one... It's just none of my business.

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As a BS I would want to be told, but probably not by the OW - that would be so humiliating. I know some people would prefer to live in ignorant bliss, but I am grateful to have the truth, even though it's still painful at times. How can you live authentically when you don't have the full story?

 

 

My WH's exOW called me during their A (out of the blue) she actually told me that their relationship was none of my business, her quote was "Our relationship is not your problem" - I never got that?

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malibustacydoll
I think everyone deserves to live an authentic life. So I think the BS has the right to know and OWs motivations don't matter.

 

I never understand why people tell OW not to tell if OW is only doing it for revenge. The important thing is that the BS gets important information that is relevant to their lives. OW doesn't care about BS during the affair, but is expected to be altruistic is the aftermath? And if she isn't, then BS deserves to stay in the dark? It's the affair, not the reporting of it, that is hurting the BS.

 

We all should be able to make informed choices, and the last person BS needs to "protect" her from the truth is OW. It's presumptuous to assume BS wouldn't want to know, and it's ridiculous to think BS would only want to know if OWs motivations are pure.

 

I understand why you say this but I think it is a fine line not worth crossing. Who is it to dictate what an authentic life is and what that means? You are going in with the assumption that everyone has the same idea of what an authentic life means AND that they want to live that way. You don't know their situation or if they have an idea and want to avoid, prefer to be blissfully happy in their ignorance or if they do want to know. It's presumptuous to assume they want to know.

 

It makes me think of other arguments such as the abortion argument. We want to fight for the right of an unborn child because wouldn't that unborn child want a chance at life and to make decisions themselves? Who are we to decide? BUT is it really our place at all?

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So nice to see that OW are cognizant of their "place." Apparently it is their place to intrude into another woman's marriage and have an affair with that woman's husband.

 

I am learning a lot from this forum. Honestly, I hear you. I just do not have an answer. At the time of my involvement I felt justified in my actions. Still feel justified as I was correct and my guy was honest. In these cases that are so different from me, the same advice rings true. If you want to protect yourself, be quiet.

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...just as my R with him was none of her business.

I would have LOVED for the OM in our situation to tell me his R with my WW was none of my business.

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I would have LOVED for the OM in our situation to tell me his R with my WW was none of my business.

 

HAHA!im with you on that sub

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Lernaean_Hydra
Who is it to dictate what an authentic life is and what that means? You are going in with the assumption that everyone has the same idea of what an authentic life means AND that they want to live that way. You don't know their situation or if they have an idea and want to avoid, prefer to be blissfully happy in their ignorance or if they do want to know. It's presumptuous to assume they want to know.

 

 

A) I'm fairly certain if you go by the simple dictionary definition of authentic you'd be fairly close to having an idea of what most people consider an "authentic life". I see no reason to suddenly assume most other people's definitions somehow differ greatly.

 

B) In my experience, I think its far more presumptuous to assume they don't. Let's be real here, how many people have you legitimately heard say "I rather like living a complete lie".

 

I think at the very least, if wondering whether to tell, most OW should use their own feelings - were the roles reversed - as, at minimum, some sort of baseline. Would you want to be told? It seems outrageous for an OW assume the BS would much rather live in the dark, especially if she herself would want to know should the shoe be on the other foot.

 

It's infinitely amusing that some OW jump to conclusions about the BS...that also just so happen to align with the best interests of herself and the affair.

 

*(all yous - and variations thereof - in the above paragraph are mean in the general sense).

Edited by Lernaean_Hydra
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I forced Dday on my married AP, because I wanted her to make a choice. Me or him. I told the BS, but it turned out he already knew and didn't care, as long as it was kept secret.

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I told the BS after exMM continuously broke NC and it was very difficult for me to heal my own wounds. He had claimed he had already told her, but it was quite apparent that wasn't so. No, my primary motivation was not to help the BS, although I think that KNOWING the reality of your life is helpful. My primary motivation was to put the final nail in the coffin of a relationship that just wouldn't die.

 

 

I've had lots of people on this board tell me it is never the right thing to do and equally as many tell me the BS always deserves to know...even from the OW. This is one of those debates that just goes in circles. The final conclusion is: affairs suck. Avoid them when possible. Don't believe men who say they are separated or in a divorce.

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AlwaysGrowing

I am in the camp of don't get involved until you inform the other party. Lol

 

Being that rarely (ever?) happens, telling the BS is the right thing to do....always....regardless of motivation.

 

I am so very perplexed by those that feel the R between the WS and AP is none of the BS business. I say perplexed because generally those that end up marrying the WS most certainly get involved/have opinions/name call the new Xspouse.

 

People are too often worried about how they are being treated to ever give any thought to how they treat others.

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