Complicated friendship with Married man

[prettyeyes87]

Ok this is story is kind of long and I apologize I have a complicated situation with a married guy friend of mine. I first met him about 4 years ago; I worked as a nurse in his doctor’s office. He was instantly drawn to me but I was fresh out of a relationship with a young child. We began talking and liking each other on an emotional level (I say that because I would hardly ever let him see me in person, I just wasn’t ready for anything like that). He would beg me to let him come see me, to let him to take me out on dates. He told me how every morning when he got up, he would go look at my Facebook picture because he wished he could wake up to me. We began really talking in Aug 2010 and by Sept 2010 he was asking me to be his girlfriend. This freaked me out and I told him I was not ready for a relationship. It scared me how he seemed to fall for me via text and phone conversations and brief meetings on my lunch break.

 

I told him that I needed to try and work things out with my daughter’s father. He said he was hurt but understood and continued to be my friend. He would constantly text me on dates, telling me how he wished he was out with me and that he knew he wasn’t being fair to his date while thinking about me. That’s when I knew I need to cut off all contact with him. So I did and over the next couples years I only saw him when he came into the office.

 

In May 2012 he came into the doctor’s and was just staring at me, one of the same lusty stares he always gives me but I notice something on his hand…a silver band, but weird thing was it was on his RIGHT ring finger and not his left. Shortly after leaving the doctor’s office he texts me telling me I am still so beautiful to him. Now it’s June 2014. My friend just popped up in my news feed and I started wondering how he was doing. At this point I had NO IDEA he was married or even with someone. He Facebook page gave nothing away, you can’t even see his relationship status and he has not one wedding picture or anything to suggest he had gotten married. He has like one picture of his wife but judging by the pic alone one could easily assume it was just a girlfriend…I’m not trying to downplay anything, this is just the appearance the Facebook page gives. So I send him a message and we start messaging back and forth and catching up. No mention of any wife or relationship. Then the next couple days he comes and sees me on my lunch, saying that he was working in my area. After the lunch visit, one of my coworker says how cute she thinks he is and I message him to tell him and make a little flirty joke out of it. He replies back to ask me if I am still with my daughter’s father, and then proceeds to ask me if I knew he was with someone. I tell him no I am not with him anymore and no I did not know he was with someone. We chat a little bit more, he says he would love to be my friend again, that I was a good friend and there was a point in time where he thought about me every day. He said that he could come visit me on my breaks whenever he was working in my area. Never any mention about marriage or a wife.

 

Over the next couple weeks, we chat randomly on Facebook and then out of nowhere he starts seeming really down, making sad statuses on Facebook. I tell him if he needs anything I am here for him. He tells me things have been rough for about a week or so. Then our conversations start turning to why I stopped being his friend and cut him off, I explained that I always cared about him as a friend and I didn’t mean to cut him off.

 

Next day he comes to see me at my job and tells me his is married but is getting separated. He said that his wife left him because she was unhappy and wanted more kids and he didn’t want anymore and that she was upset he got a vasectomy. He also said that divorce was not something he was thinking about. After this he becomes very clingy, texting me nonstop, driving 30-40 mins from where he lived just to come see me every day on my lunch break for 30 mins. I would barely let him hug or kiss me for weeks, but he continued to beg to see me (this is just how he acted the first time around). I stated to him that I do not date married men. He wanted to go out on dates, movies, lunch and he also wanted to take me out of town. I declined all this at first because like I said I don’t date married men. He kept pursuing and putting pressure on me. He made me feel guilty by saying that I broke his heart back then. By this time I found out that he got married 7 months after I cut him all the way off cold turkey. I told him I was happy he was able to move on so fast; this upset him and asked me “How do you know that I didn’t get married because I couldn’t be with you? I had no choice but to move on”. I asked him if he was in love with his wife and he fumbled around the question, saying that love changes. I was not willing to go on dates but I did hang out with him and watch movies. Of course this led to make out sessions and hugging. He told me I was the most beautiful woman to him (he told me this back then too), that I was so special to him. He told me that he was falling for me. We started messing around (NO sexual intercourse) and I liked him a lot.

 

At this time he’s asking me a bunch of questions and putting me through a bunch of What if scenario’s to see if I would be a good wife for him. He told me I was going to be his second wife, that when I popped back in his life so did all his feelings for me. I liked him a lot but I am realistic person, I told him to stop living in lala land. I asked what anyone of his family would think if they saw us out together. He wanted to meet my daughter saying she needed to meet her future step dad (jokingly I guess) and get our kids together but I told him no and keep my daughter away from this. He would text me all day and night, he began getting super jealous of other guys and he is very insecure. One night while we were hanging out, he said he wanted to talk to me. He got all nervous, hot and sweaty. He told me that years ago he contracted HPV but it was low risk (I am nurse and I have also had my Gardasil) and that’s why it wasn’t big deal to him that we weren’t having sex. Then he told me he also wanted to tell me that he cheated on his wife 18 days before their wedding. He told her and I guess she still decided to get married (they didn’t separate or go to counseling). He said that all the men in his family are divorced or have been due to cheating.

 

We continued to see each other and hang out. But I started to notice a decline in the amount of attention he was giving me but I just thought he was going through a lot (I know his family was putting pressure on him to work out his marriage). He also has a step daughter involved that he cares about very much; the stepdaughter was very traumatized being moved out of his house and into a small, cramped house with his wife’s sisters. His wife changed her school and everything last minute so his stepdaughter was going through a lot, also his own daughter from a previous relationship, missed her step sister wanted her back. He would always text me and tells me how hard it was to see his family breaking up. But when he spoke of his wife, it was never that she was a horrible wife or that he despised her (like some many husband’s lie and say), he just didn’t seem to care, just very nonchalant. He said she was a good wife but it just sounded like he lacked passion for her or maybe love? I can’t put my finger on it but it was weird. He told me he talked to me more than he was talking to her and that he thinks she only wants to move back home because her daughter is sad and traumatized. I guess one day she text telling him that she was so sad about everything and she asked him how he was feeling and he said “he was feeling ok”; I guess this pissed her off. Well in sept 2014 he starts telling me that he thinks us messing around was not the right thing to do. He started saying that I deserved better and what kind of man would he be if he couldn’t do that for me. I told him I didn’t want anything more than friends. He begged me to meet up with him to discuss this in person but I refused which upset him. I did meet up with him but he had already hurt my feelings, he was so kind and sweet to me still. He said he still wanted to hang out and go out of town together and go to movies and stuff but I told him that things felt weird to me now. I told him that I kind of felt used a rebound in a sense and this made him very upset, telling me he meant everything he said and that he is not liar and it pisses him off that I think he is a liar. He said all the feeling he has for me are real but he can’t act on them until his other situation is done. I told him that I was the one keeping everything in check, not him. After that we started talking less and less. I tried to be nice and offer to see him but he said that things felt weird, and that we had argued and that our friendship turned into something he wasn’t ready for and he was worried that things would end badly.

 

I unfriended him on Facebook and that upset him. I then refriended him and accepted quickly. Next day is my birthday and he texting me telling me happy birthday. Then a couple days later, he texts me and asks me if we can talk. I get a funny feeling and go look at Facebook and he has unfriended me. So he calls and I ask him if he unfriended me and he says “who unfriended who first?” but he proceeds to tell me that he has to try and work on his relationship. His daughter (who is 12) asked him what he is doing and why isn’t making it better so her step sister can come home. He said that he really likes me and it attracted to me but I am too big of a temptation to him and he can’t focus on his marriage if he is still entangled with me. He said that I was swaying his decision (even though I NEVER told him I wanted him to leave and be with me, or any opinion on his situation really) on if he wanted to stay in his marriage. I told him Good luck with that and I hope it all works out for him. He started laughing and says he doesn’t know about all that and that he may request to be my friend on Facebook again. We end the convo. I was hurt but I understood. A few days later I come across a random email that looks like it was from him asking me how I am doing. The email looks very weird so I start investigating and I found some hidden messages in my Facebook. They are from his wife using a fake Facebook. The messed up part? This fake Facebook page had been stalking me since JULY!! I never thought much of it until now that I had messages from the page. The messages ask me to call her and tell her everything that happened between us.

 

 

I send him a Facebook message about it and he immediately calls me. He apologizes over and over; he tells me that back in August his wife asked him if he was seeing anyone. He told her that he was just hanging out with his friend and told her my name and that we were not dating (which is true because I wouldn’t let him date me but he begged to). I told him that it didn’t make sense because she had been friend requesting me since July. He seemed very surprised to hear that she knew about me since July and the hot heavy stuff didn’t happen until August. He told me he was sorry that he had to try and make it work, that he needed to bring the kids back together. He said he wasn’t even sure if it would work this time and that he was very stressed out and that she hadn’t moved back in. I also know that part of his stress is that his wife isn’t stable enough to get her own place financial wise and I know he worries about his step kid. She originally wanted him to move out of his house and pay the mortgage and pay for his own apartment but he told her no so she had to move but she can’t afford her own place. He told me that I can still call him whenever and whenever I am out I can call him and he’ll stop by and see me but no more one on one time together. He said that he would love to be friends how we were but his wife won’t let him. She is very insecure about me and doesn’t want me to be friends with him (I am younger than both of them by about 7 years). That is the real reason he deleted me off Facebook, her insecurity and she already made it known she wants to talk to me so I guess he was hiding me away from her but the point is moot since she found me in July. He told her that she didn’t need to talk me and was kind of telling her to back off of me, which I’m sure she didn’t like. Then a couple days later he texts me asking if she stopped writing me and he apologized again, I didn’t respond. Then he text me saying “He was going to move far away and just say F it all”. I told him I hope things get better and he can talk to me if he wants. He told me thanks for my support because he needed it.

 

Next week, I receive another friend request from his wife. I send him a message on Facebook telling him what she did and that he needs to tell her to stop. I told him I will not text him anymore and leave him alone, I tell him I wanted to be friends but I didn’t know all this comes with it. He immediately called me twice and sent me a text asking me to call him. I didn’t respond for 24 hours. Then we talked on the phone, he said she said she didn’t do it but I can tell he didn’t believe her. I guess she asked him why won’t I just talk to her and he told her that I didn’t want to be caught up their BS and to leave me alone. He said that Facebook is weird now (I guess she is stalking him too, he isn’t her friend on there either). He told me he would understand if I was mad at him because he would be mad if someone was emailing him. He told me he’s frustrated about his career (he wants to change paths) and that all he does is go to work, come home and go to sleep. I don’t understand why he won’t text me or call me then? He also told me he was considering marriage counseling which I told he that was good, he didn’t seem very willing in the past. He told me he was still on the fence about everything and that he had no idea what he was going to do. To me it seemed like he already made his decision to work on his marriage so why doesn’t he know what he wants now? He told me I will always know how to get in contact with him but I am not sure if I should anymore. Is he letting me down easy or trying to keep me on the back burner? Is this friendship worth pursuing anymore? My biggest question is…did he really even care about me? Or mean the things he said? And why does the wife care so much?? They were separated! Any advice on any part of my story is welcome. Just need to wrap my head around everything.

Edited October 30, 2014 by prettyeyes87

[anika99]

The man you just described sounds pushy, manipulative, dishonest and just basically creepy. He's been playing games with you and his wife all along. Get rid of him.

[FusionCutter]

Well, that's a pretty complicated story. The only questions that you need to concern yourself with is: "Does this relationship make me happy? Is it good for me? Is it worth it?"

 

It sounds unnecessarily complex. Probably best off to find someone who won't cause you to think this much.

[SoleMate]

Based on your thread title alone, all I can say is, don't start an affair with him, or if you already did, end it and go NC.

[prettyeyes87]

The man you just described sounds pushy, manipulative, dishonest and just basically creepy. He's been playing games with you and his wife all along. Get rid of him.

 

Do you mind if I ask you to go into detail about your opinon a little bit? Thank you for your advice and this is exactly what my sister said but she used the word "psycho" lol. I just really like to see things through another's perspective than just my own or my sister...we think way too much alike

[FusionCutter]

Do you mind if I ask you to go into detail about your opinon a little bit? Thank you for your advice and this is exactly what my sister said but she used the word "psycho" lol. I just really like to see things through another's perspective than just my own or my sister...we think way too much alike

 

I assume you're 27. How old is this guy?

[prettyeyes87]

Based on your thread title alone, all I can say is, don't start an affair with him, or if you already did, end it and go NC.

 

Thank you. No I have not started an affair with him. I am inside my head too much to let feelings overcome me so easliy. I have let him know that I am not interested in anything like that. I asked him to delete my number and if he really wanted to say hi, he could write me on facebook. he refused and said my number was safe in his phone where no one could get it...

[prettyeyes87]

I assume you're 27. How old is this guy?

 

He is 33. When we first met i was 22 and he was 29. Yes I just turned 27 this month.

[Be_Strong]

Your personal rule about not dating married men exists specifically to avoid putting you in the situation you currently find yourself. The fact that the married guy is pushy is no excuse to break your rule. In fact, the pushy behavior should have scared you off even more.

[prettyeyes87]

Your personal rule about not dating married men exists specifically to avoid putting you in the situation you currently find yourself. The fact that the married guy is pushy is no excuse to break your rule. In fact, the pushy behavior should have scared you off even more.

 

 

Thank you! I need to hear stuff like this as well. I know I was dumb and I am to blame as well. The problem with my sister and people that know me is that they all tend to baby me (I can be very sweet and naive at times) and they won't "beat me up" about what I did. They all want to comfort me. But I wish my sister would look me dead in my face tell me I was dumb as hell!! So thank you for this.

[DKT3]

This dude is a train wreck. What's appealing about him? His life is a mess and your actually thinking about getting involved with him? You say you don't date married men but isn't that what your doing? Hanging out with a guy your clearly emotionally invested in?

 

Your sister is right, go with that.

[prettyeyes87]

This dude is a train wreck. What's appealing about him? His life is a mess and your actually thinking about getting involved with him? You say you don't date married men but isn't that what your doing? Hanging out with a guy your clearly emotionally invested in?

 

Your sister is right, go with that.

I guess I should say I was not in the most emotionally healthy state when our friendship restarted. I just ended my 8 year relationship with my daughter's dad again so I was lonely. But that's neither here nor there and hardly an excuse. Thank you.

[Lurkeraspect]

Your sister is correct, and you need to just stop. Please do yourself a favor and block these two on facebook, and leave it. No un-blocking to take a quick peek. Also, change your email account and block him from calling and texting. If you feel the need to say goodbye, then do it. Let him know that he will no longer be able to contact you, and to please make no effort, as it's not welcome. Just be done. He sounds like a stalker and a creep. Aren't you tired of all the drama?

[snappytomcat]

your only 2 years older than my oldest daughter,and im not a woman of many words but this is what I would tell her

WTF!are you thinking run,for the hills,block everything and who cares what he thinks,and you asked why is the wife so upset,cause they were separated,well that's it they aren't divorced yet,they are still married,he sounds like a complete mess,you have your whole life ahead of you,and you sound like a very nice young woman,if you decide to keep talking to him,you will be hurt,go find yourself a nice available man without so much drama,and baggage

good luck op,and listen to your sister shes looking out for you

[prettyeyes87]

I guess I should also mention some behaviors I was noticing but not really as much as I have should been. He was very controlling and manipulative towards me. He would try to monopolize all my time, constantly asking me what I was doing, always wanting to come see me. He then would guilt trip the crap out of me if I couldn’t respond right away or see him. He was very insecure. Always asking me if I thought he looked fat and so on ( no man has ever asked me that and he has asked me more than once). Once my tire was flat and another guy helped me and my “friend” got pissed off and told me I should have called him even though he lives like 30-40 mins away from me.

 

Another time a guy at the gym I go to offered to help me learn how to weight train. He got upset about this too and tried to get me to switch to his gym so he could show me, when I didn’t, he tried to get a pass to my gym. Then he started asking me what the guy looked like and I told him he looked normal and he then asked me if I thought he looked abnormal? He told me I was ashamed of him and that’s why I wouldn’t let him take me out on dates. He also used to purposefully put large ugly dark love marks on my neck. I told him not to many times, he told me that they were to show I was his territory so other guys won’t try to talk to me and it wasn’t for me to understand why. I told him that he was never going to be able to kiss me again and he got upset. The next time I saw him, I thought he would take me serious so I let him kiss me again but then he kind of pinned me down and left the hickies anyway! I was mad about it and this was the last night I let myself be alone with him like that. I haven’t hung out with him like that for almost 2 months. He was happy about it and wanted me to send him pictures of the marks.

 

The worse part of all is I found out (he doesn’t know I know) that he DOES NOT have a vasectomy. He completely lied to me about it. The reason this bothers me is because he kept telling me that I could stop taking my birth control and that once we were together he didn’t want me to use it anymore. But he lied! I have never heard of a man LYING and saying he has a vasectomy and he really doesn’t. He has always said he didn’t want more kids and I believed him but there were times when he mentioned that if we had got together back then we would have one. I feel very stupid about all this now. But I guess that’s why I’m here, to get all this off my chest.

[snappytomcat]

I guess I should also mention some behaviors I was noticing but not really as much as I have should been. He was very controlling and manipulative towards me. He would try to monopolize all my time, constantly asking me what I was doing, always wanting to come see me. He then would guilt trip the crap out of me if I couldn’t respond right away or see him. He was very insecure. Always asking me if I thought he looked fat and so on ( no man has ever asked me that and he has asked me more than once). Once my tire was flat and another guy helped me and my “friend” got pissed off and told me I should have called him even though he lives like 30-40 mins away from me.

 

Another time a guy at the gym I go to offered to help me learn how to weight train. He got upset about this too and tried to get me to switch to his gym so he could show me, when I didn’t, he tried to get a pass to my gym. Then he started asking me what the guy looked like and I told him he looked normal and he then asked me if I thought he looked abnormal? He told me I was ashamed of him and that’s why I wouldn’t let him take me out on dates. He also used to purposefully put large ugly dark love marks on my neck. I told him not to many times, he told me that they were to show I was his territory so other guys won’t try to talk to me and it wasn’t for me to understand why. I told him that he was never going to be able to kiss me again and he got upset. The next time I saw him, I thought he would take me serious so I let him kiss me again but then he kind of pinned me down and left the hickies anyway! I was mad about it and this was the last night I let myself be alone with him like that. I haven’t hung out with him like that for almost 2 months. He was happy about it and wanted me to send him pictures of the marks.

 

The worse part of all is I found out (he doesn’t know I know) that he DOES NOT have a vasectomy. He completely lied to me about it. The reason this bothers me is because he kept telling me that I could stop taking my birth control and that once we were together he didn’t want me to use it anymore. But he lied! I have never heard of a man LYING and saying he has a vasectomy and he really doesn’t. He has always said he didn’t want more kids and I believed him but there were times when he mentioned that if we had got together back then we would have one. I feel very stupid about all this now. But I guess that’s why I’m here, to get all this off my chest.

please op,this makes me worried about you he sounds very possessive,and phsycho,like a potential stalker,or even worse abuser if he doesn't get what he wants,i was with this kind of man a long time ago over 20 years ago,he started out the same was kind to me,complimenting me,buying me gifts,always wanting to be with me I was 16 he was 28,i unknowingly became an OW,and he eventually started abusing me which lasted 3 years,as he would threaten me,my family,even my pets if I told anyone or if Ie ver left him,i didn't have message boards like this to talk to anyone back then,and couldn't talk to family,and friends as I was scared,and ashamed.

this guy sounds like the creep I was with exactly,they know what they are doing,hes trying to manipulate you,ugh what a fricken creep

[Arieswoman]

i unknowingly became an OW,and he eventually started abusing me which lasted 3 years,as he would threaten me,my family,even my pets if I told anyone or if Ie ver left him,i didn't have message boards like this to talk to anyone back then,and couldn't talk to family,and friends as I was scared,and ashamed.

 

^^^^

 

I am very sorry that this happened to you, snappytomcat.

[anika99]

Do you mind if I ask you to go into detail about your opinon a little bit? Thank you for your advice and this is exactly what my sister said but she used the word "psycho" lol. I just really like to see things through another's perspective than just my own or my sister...we think way too much alike

 

Well first of all there was the way he pursued you in the beginning. That sounded more like stalking than courtship. Like he had no respect for your boundaries or anything you said. I don't think he even really believed everything he said to you, he just wanted you to believe it so that you would fall for him. This is actually a common tactic that works on insecure needy women who are desperately looking for love. Not saying you were needy and insecure because by the sounds of it you weren't really buying into what he was selling.

 

 

I was also going to mention the weird stories and the odd way he described his marriage and his reasons for it ending. It sounded off to me and now I see that you have updated and said he did lie about those things. You talked about how when he spoke about his wife he didn't seem to hate her but he just sounded really cold and detached. I bet you anything he doesn't sound that way when he's talking to her. I bet when he's trying sway her on something or manipulate her he talks to her just like he talks to you. Full of flowery words and deep emotions, yet I get the feeling that he doesn't really feel anything deeply. His emotions are shallow but he has learned to turn on the fake feelings to manipulate other people.

 

 

Finally he started to play some weird game called "go away, come here" with you and he most likely plays this same game with his wife. It sounds like he gets some sort of ego boost or something whenever he wins you back over and you agree to see him, but he doesn't really want you so as soon as he has proven to himself that he could have you if he wanted you, then he pushes you away. Then when you agree that you shouldn't see or talk to each other he feels the challenge of having to prove that you cannot reject him.

 

 

And now you have posted another list of reasons why this guy is bad news. His insecurity, his jealousy, his controlling ways, his marking you with hickeys and his lies about having a vasectomy so that you wouldn't take birth control..all of these things have nothing to do with love and everything to do with dominating and controlling. Do you not see how he has no respect for you or anything you say? Your sister is right about this dude.

[snappytomcat]

^^^^

 

I am very sorry that this happened to you, snappytomcat.

thank you arieswoman,i hope the op will listen,he sounds just like the jerk I was with

[sunburned]

Thank you. No I have not started an affair with him. I am inside my head too much to let feelings overcome me so easliy. I have let him know that I am not interested in anything like that. I asked him to delete my number and if he really wanted to say hi, he could write me on facebook. he refused and said my number was safe in his phone where no one could get it...

 

But you did have an affair with him. You had an EA with "making out" and "messing around" while he was married (sex is not what defines an affair). You said he told you they were separated but that he "wasn't interested" in divorce. You were having an A with a known MM. I'm not being mean (I had the same style sexless A), but part of recovering is owning what you did. It's hard to admit you're a cheater but it's a necessary part of moving on.

 

I would go so far as to say you actually became more interested in him when you thought he might be married/taken. Your interest returned once you saw the silver band (regardless of whether it was on the right hand), then started investigating his life on FB.

 

Most important now, however, is to go NC. He's bad news for you, but all the more so with your child involved. I imagine she may already be suffering in some capacity from your divorce.

[prettyeyes87]

please op,this makes me worried about you he sounds very possessive,and phsycho,like a potential stalker,or even worse abuser if he doesn't get what he wants,i was with this kind of man a long time ago over 20 years ago,he started out the same was kind to me,complimenting me,buying me gifts,always wanting to be with me I was 16 he was 28,i unknowingly became an OW,and he eventually started abusing me which lasted 3 years,as he would threaten me,my family,even my pets if I told anyone or if Ie ver left him,i didn't have message boards like this to talk to anyone back then,and couldn't talk to family,and friends as I was scared,and ashamed.

this guy sounds like the creep I was with exactly,they know what they are doing,hes trying to manipulate you,ugh what a fricken creep

Thank you! and I am so sorry for what you went through! This is why I am here. I know all this in my mind but you have no idea how much it helps to hear someone else's thoughts. Do you think he is trying to lead me into an affair?

[whichwayisup]

The guy is weird. You know this and his behaviour, the lying and running hot/cold with you is THE sign to cut him out of your life. No good can come of this. He's married and his wife doesn't approve of the friendship - All that in itself should be a clue for you to stay away from him, the rest- well, he's got issues....

 

Change your number, block his email and facebook.

 

Focus on yourself and your child.

[prettyeyes87]

Well first of all there was the way he pursued you in the beginning. That sounded more like stalking than courtship. Like he had no respect for your boundaries or anything you said. I don't think he even really believed everything he said to you, he just wanted you to believe it so that you would fall for him. This is actually a common tactic that works on insecure needy women who are desperately looking for love. Not saying you were needy and insecure because by the sounds of it you weren't really buying into what he was selling.

 

 

I was also going to mention the weird stories and the odd way he described his marriage and his reasons for it ending. It sounded off to me and now I see that you have updated and said he did lie about those things. You talked about how when he spoke about his wife he didn't seem to hate her but he just sounded really cold and detached. I bet you anything he doesn't sound that way when he's talking to her. I bet when he's trying sway her on something or manipulate her he talks to her just like he talks to you. Full of flowery words and deep emotions, yet I get the feeling that he doesn't really feel anything deeply. His emotions are shallow but he has learned to turn on the fake feelings to manipulate other people.

 

 

Finally he started to play some weird game called "go away, come here" with you and he most likely plays this same game with his wife. It sounds like he gets some sort of ego boost or something whenever he wins you back over and you agree to see him, but he doesn't really want you so as soon as he has proven to himself that he could have you if he wanted you, then he pushes you away. Then when you agree that you shouldn't see or talk to each other he feels the challenge of having to prove that you cannot reject him.

 

 

And now you have posted another list of reasons why this guy is bad news. His insecurity, his jealousy, his controlling ways, his marking you with hickeys and his lies about having a vasectomy so that you wouldn't take birth control..all of these things have nothing to do with love and everything to do with dominating and controlling. Do you not see how he has no respect for you or anything you say? Your sister is right about this dude.

Yes I do see the lack of respect. I was struggling with trying to figure if he even cared about me at all. That's issue with my sister, she is saying all this but she is being too nice about it...she also thinks he did care for me but I need other opinons that don't care about what I want to hear. Thank you

[prettyeyes87]

But you did have an affair with him. You had an EA with "making out" and "messing around" while he was married (sex is not what defines an affair). You said he told you they were separated but that he "wasn't interested" in divorce. You were having an A with a known MM. I'm not being mean (I had the same style sexless A), but part of recovering is owning what you did. It's hard to admit you're a cheater but it's a necessary part of moving on.

 

I would go so far as to say you actually became more interested in him when you thought he might be married/taken. Your interest returned once you saw the silver band (regardless of whether it was on the right hand), then started investigating his life on FB.

 

Most important now, however, is to go NC. He's bad news for you, but all the more so with your child involved. I imagine she may already be suffering in some capacity from your divorce.

Thank you and you are right about the affair part (smh) but I will say that I did NOT become more interested because of the wedding band. I saw the wedding band on the right hand 2 years before I decided to say speak to him again. I remember the band and how it was weird so before I said hi I did look on his page but I saw nothing about a marriage so I thought it was ok. If I had some so marriage couple photots all over his page, i def would not have reached out. But thank you for advice!

[whichwayisup]

Yes I do see the lack of respect. I was struggling with trying to figure if he even cared about me at all. That's issue with my sister, she is saying all this but she is being too nice about it...she also thinks he did care for me but I need other opinons that don't care about what I want to hear. Thank you

 

He is rude, possessive, controlling and jealous! he has lied about the snip, didn't tell you he was married from day one. He's manipulative, a player and probably has many narcissistic traits. And, he has NO problem lying and deceiving his wife. He has played you and only cares about himself. He has no respect for you - NO means NO and he ignores that completely.

 

This actually isn't complicated - Get him out of your life.