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In a relationship with a married woman, about to be divorced


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I really don't know if this is the right place to post this, considering that my girlfiriend is still legally married, but separeted for over 6 months, either way I'm just looking for some advice.

 

I'm a 30 yo male and I've met my current girlfriend over 10 years ago, during college, we had some mutual friends, she was in a relantionship at the time so back then we were just good friends, I have to be honest I wanted to be more than friends, but since I knew her boyfriend and they seemed happy together I've never pursued anything else at the time. We were really good friends, we were very open and honest with each other, supported each other, had similar interests and spent a lot of time together.

 

After about a year, she moved to another country, but we still kept in touch and still talked pretty often, I always knew what was happening in her life and she knew what was happening in mine despite never seeing each other for most of the 9 years she was away.

 

During that time she met her husband and got married, a few years passed and she moved back, we've seen each other a coupe of times, only as friends, but at that time it was quite obvious that the marriage was going down hill, fast fowarding a little they broke up, I supported her through the process, but she never really understood why, the husband just grew more distant every day and then broke up.

 

After that I started to look at ther with different eyes and I've started to pursue a relantionship a few months after the break up, fast foward to now, we have been living together for about 3 months now, I really love her and we get along great, but there is always that shadow around us, she is pretty honest about it, and told me that she loves me, but still has some feelings for her husband, she's trying to take care of the divorce papers, but he just keeps finding excuses to delay it.

 

This is really awkward to me, I feel that we cannot really move on, until the divorce is done, she keeps telling it's just a paper, but I fear that they may get back together.

 

Everything is out in the open, all parties involved know exactly what is happening, the husband knows that she is living with someone else, I know that she is still married and that she is still struggling with the breakup.

 

Has anybody been in a similar situation, what was the outcome, just looking for some unbiased opinions.

 

Thanks.

 

Note: English is not my native language, so I'm sorry for any mistakes.

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I would've never guessed that English wasn't your first language. Excellent!

 

A lot of people will tell you that the issue is that she's still married. I don't see it that way because when I leave someone, I'm gone. Whether there's a piece of paper stating that we're married or not makes no difference to me. But it doesn't sound like she's 'gone' if she still has feelings for her husband.

 

I think the mistake is the two of you moving in before the dust settled from her marriage. The same would apply to anyone leaving a significant relationship - married or not - and then getting involved with someone else right away. It just rarely seems to work. I think you can still salvage this relationship but she needs to have her freedom to make a good decision. You may want to talk to her about moving out on her own so that she isn't so pressured one way or another. After all is said and done, you may have something worth salvaging but, in the face of confused emotions, you're likely to lose in this situation because he may seem more desirable just because he's distant and because she has forgotten the negatives about their relationship.

 

If you can get yourself in a position where you're not taking this personally, you can come out looking like a star. I would talk to her very honestly about it, if I were you.

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Thank's for the advice.

 

I agree with you, as soon as she told me that she still had feelings for him, I asked her if the needed some space to get her feelings straight, but she said she didn't, she just told me she loved me and wanted to be with me, but she could not help still having some feelings for him, however she assured me that the marriage was over, the thing is that if feelings still exist, a reconciliation is always a chance or at least that is the way I see it.

 

She is really trying to end things, she keeps "nagging" the husband to take care of the divorce, it's a rather simple process in our country, when both parties agree, it takes a few hours at most, there is no need for lawyers or any special arrengements, just show up, sign a few papers and be done with it, but he keeps making up excuses about it and this is dragging for almost 6 months now. As a guy it is kind of obvious to me that he is not sure that the divorce is the best option and may regret the breakup, I've never been married, but have been in a few relantionships and the break ups were always "clean", I never left a relantionship "hanging".

 

Not being a teenager anymore I do realise that things may end badly for me, I've let my defenses down and I'm totally committed to the relantionship, so if things end it is going to hurt a lot, but at this point other than giving her some space and support I really don't think I can do much else, I don't want to pressure her even more, because I know this all thing is not easy for her at all.

 

Waiting a bit more before jumping in a relantionship was probably the best course of action, but what is done is done :(

 

I really hope this relantionship survives tough

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whatatangledweb

I started dating my current husband and living with him when my divorce was going through. My ex was also dragging getting the divorce done. I had feelings for my ex then and I still do after all these years. I care about him, I do not love him. He is the father of my children and I want him to be healthy and happy. I never thought of going back to him. I finally had to drive with him to get him to sign the papers. Then it was done.

There was never a chance I would go back. Is your girlfriend showing any signs she wants to go back?

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I agree that the lack of the divorce is less concerning than how quickly your relationship with her progressed. Moving in together after she was only separated for 3 months was really rushing things. I have always said that newly separated people are a bad risk when it comes to having a serious committed relationship.

 

 

She may think she loves you and she may sincerely mean it when she says it but that love feeling may be coming from a place of need and fear of being on her own for the first time in years. As she heals from the break up of her marriage and becomes stronger on her own she may outgrow her need for you and then suddenly all that romantic love stuff will fade away too.

 

 

I'm not saying a rebound relationship can't turn into more but I think you should proceed cautiously and realize that your relationship is rather fragile. I would suggest that she get her own place and that you just date each other while she goes through this transition

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@whatatangledweb

 

Thank you for sharing your story it's always good to hear success stories :)

 

@anika99

 

What you've wrote sums up my fears, we all want to believe that our relantionship is diferent, specially during the first stages, but they may not be.

 

She has her own place, but she almost never stays there, maybe once a week, so we are pretty much living together.

 

Before this, we have been friends for a long time and always had a good connection, I always had feelings for her, but never pursued anything because she was married and living in a different country, I know now that she also had feelings for me as well. We could of have a relantionship back in college, but to be honest I didn't want anything serious at the time and her being a very good friend I didn't want to hurt her, I regreted that decision for some time, but eventually made peace with it.

 

Everything is going great, but offcourse I would be a lot more confortable if she wasn't still married and if more time had passed, but things are what they are, if she ends up leaving me, well that's life, it's not like I have not been dumped before, it hurts, but eventually it heals, her case is a bit different because we've always been good friends, we were each other confidents for a long time and if this ever ends I don't think there is a way to return to being "just friends".

 

Again thank you all for your opinions and honesty.

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mintcondition

The issue is not the fact that she's still married, but the issue is that she still has feelings for her soon to be ex. If you think that the feelings for her husband will subside once the papers are signed you are fooling yourself. Emotions are not a light switch that you can turn on or off.

 

 

There are a couple of things that stand out from your post, particularly the way you refer to your past relationship as "good friends", even though you wanted more from her. You were in the friend zone which is the worst place to be for a guy since you're viewed as a nice guy but not someone she's head over heels over. I think she gravitated to you because she needed support during her breakup, and she's not thinking clearly and doesn't know what she wants. Be careful.........you might be setting yourself up for a major heartache.

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The issue is not the fact that she's still married, but the issue is that she still has feelings for her soon to be ex.

I think it's a combination of both. If she was simply coming out of a BF/GF relationship and confessed to still having feelings for her ex, that would obviously still be a problem. But the fact that she is married is an additional risk because the odds of a person going back to a spouse are higher than going back to an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. It's simply more difficult to give up on a marriage than it is for other relationships. There's the stigma of being divorced, the feeling of being a failure, the guilt of ending something you had promised would be for life, etc.

 

So any person dating a married person that confesses to still having feelings for their spouse should definitely be concerned about the married person going back to their spouse.

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This is really awkward to me, I feel that we cannot really move on, until the divorce is done, she keeps telling it's just a paper, but I fear that they may get back together.

 

Listen to your gut. Do not even date her until she's officially single. Let her know when that time comes, you'll take her out for a 'first' date but until then you won't get close to her or have any intimacy with her.

 

She is married and who knows what the real status is there-You've only heard one side of this and that doesn't mean it's all true.

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Not and easy situation. I have been divorced for five years and would say that I am not over it yet. I honestly don't know how someone could be ready for another intimate and committed relationship that quickly. I honestly don't believe a married person should be living with someone else - especially if there is that "cloud" you talked about.

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She's not ready for a relationship with you. She is emotionally still married and until that is addressed and there is a resolution, there will not be a divorce. When women are D O NE, they are done. She's not done.

 

I suggest having her move out and you all just be friends until she gets her life together. That could easily take a year. It's not fair to you, and in the end, she may end up resenting you. She needs to do this on her own, without you there as her soft landing or telling her the steps. She must do this on her own, in her own time and in her own way.

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  • 2 months later...
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Just an update on this. I think most of you were right, she did got a divorce and things were going great, but for the past weeks I feel she is distancing herself from me and trying to find reasons to break up, I told her this off course and she just told me she needed time to think. I guess it is just a matter of time though :(

 

If she doesn't break up, I probably will, I love her and I expect the same from her, at this time I just don't feel it and I don't want to live with someone that does not love me back.

 

It was good while it lasted and I really believed we could have a future together, it will crush me, but I will hopefully recover from this.

 

Just needed to get if of my chest.

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If you haven't been through a marriage break up yourself, you might not understand.

 

It's a loss, no matter what the marriage was like. She is going through a grieving process and needs to get over that before she commits to another relationship with you.

 

She's not ready yet.

 

She needs some space and time... why not give that to her and support her as a friend.

 

Maybe she does love you but needs to tie up her "loose ends" before she makes a new start.

 

I know you must be feeling hurt, but give it a chance. Stop the intimacy and spending so much time together. It will only serve to confuse her.

BEst wishes,

Poppy

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