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Left His Wife A Voicemail


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So, yesterday I had a conversation with exMM and things just went completely down hill. It is done. We both had more we wanted to say, but I just hung up...couldn't take the emotional tension. Felt good for the first 12 hours, now I'm up to a full 24 hours without calls or emails and I hurt.

 

 

How long does it take to feel better. How long does it take to get over the anger? I feel like at my age this may have been my last chance at love and it makes me sick with depression.

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So, yesterday I had a conversation with exMM and things just went completely down hill. It is done. We both had more we wanted to say, but I just hung up...couldn't take the emotional tension. Felt good for the first 12 hours, now I'm up to a full 24 hours without calls or emails and I hurt.

 

 

How long does it take to feel better. How long does it take to get over the anger? I feel like at my age this may have been my last chance at love and it makes me sick with depression.

 

I am on day 8. I have good and bad days. I miss the constant friendship, conversations, venting to each other about our day. The "I Love you, I miss you etc.." I cannot cave though. It is just too painful over all to be the OW. I really want to be someone's only woman. I am not young either and I look at all the couples I know and I feel very left out. Although, I felt very left out being the OW.

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I am on day 8. I have good and bad days. I miss the constant friendship, conversations, venting to each other about our day. The "I Love you, I miss you etc.." I cannot cave though. It is just too painful over all to be the OW. I really want to be someone's only woman. I am not young either and I look at all the couples I know and I feel very left out. Although, I felt very left out being the OW.

 

 

 

Yes, I can relate. We were very expressive of our emotions and he was always talking about marrying me and having a home. Maybe it was fantasy on his end, but for me it was genuine and now its gone. Such grief even though I"ve known for a while now that I've given him more than enough time to leave his wife. Its hard to say goodbye to the dream.

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Yes, I can relate. We were very expressive of our emotions and he was always talking about marrying me and having a home. Maybe it was fantasy on his end, but for me it was genuine and now its gone. Such grief even though I"ve known for a while now that I've given him more than enough time to leave his wife. Its hard to say goodbye to the dream.

 

Exactly. I feel like I put my life on hold waiting for him to get to the day that he promised was coming, the day he left her. Just really hard to believe that it was a lie on his end. I really question my own ability to know if a person is lying or not. I always thought I was really good at reading people.

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Exactly. I feel like I put my life on hold waiting for him to get to the day that he promised was coming, the day he left her. Just really hard to believe that it was a lie on his end. I really question my own ability to know if a person is lying or not. I always thought I was really good at reading people.

 

Are are good at reading people. You have mentioned red flags you saw at the start. The problem is you didn't trust your gut and followed that giddy school girl emotion and walked in anyways.

 

You have to remember that going forward, you knew what he was. Next time believe in yourself and your gut more then a mans words.

 

Stay strong I'm truly pulling for you, it does get better.

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Are are good at reading people. You have mentioned red flags you saw at the start. The problem is you didn't trust your gut and followed that giddy school girl emotion and walked in anyways.

 

You have to remember that going forward, you knew what he was. Next time believe in yourself and your gut more then a mans words.

 

Stay strong I'm truly pulling for you, it does get better.

 

I guess so. The OP seems to have had the same experience where the things that were talked about were very real. I would say the red flags were something that I ignored, thinking they were just my fears talking. But, I think everyone that comes to this board can see so many similarities in their stories. That alone helps a lot. I am sticking around not just for myself, but to support others as well.

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I guess so. The OP seems to have had the same experience where the things that were talked about were very real. I would say the red flags were something that I ignored, thinking they were just my fears talking. But, I think everyone that comes to this board can see so many similarities in their stories. That alone helps a lot. I am sticking around not just for myself, but to support others as well.

 

 

 

Yes, reading the similar stories helped me come to the conclusion I needed to end it. My MM was VERY convincing. I thought he was more sure than I was. I have never had that experience before, and I believed him for a long time. I don't think I'm gullible or stupid or lacking in common sense. I started out with someone I believed was divorcing and that was inevitable...not that uncommon, I am divorced myself. My divorce took time, I actually dated a bit before my final decree was issued. But this was very different...so many promises, such intensity...but ultimately no real action. Sad.

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Yes, reading the similar stories helped me come to the conclusion I needed to end it. My MM was VERY convincing. I thought he was more sure than I was. I have never had that experience before, and I believed him for a long time. I don't think I'm gullible or stupid or lacking in common sense. I started out with someone I believed was divorcing and that was inevitable...not that uncommon, I am divorced myself. My divorce took time, I actually dated a bit before my final decree was issued. But this was very different...so many promises, such intensity...but ultimately no real action. Sad.

 

Exactly. I truly thought he was there until the kids left home. He actually told me that he was and that she knew that he would leave once the kids were gone. I would get negative and question and he would be the optimist and say things to keep me believing that it would get better. I mean, he actually would say, "I am so sorry, this is not fair to you. I promise it will get better, we will be together." Even things like planning trips to Hawaii and Tahiti. I too was divorced and it took several months for him to move out, and then over a year for the divorce to be final. I too dated during that time. Anyway, live and learn I guess. Even at my age still learning some hard lessons. I thin the biggest thing for me is I had asked him many, many, times to let me go if he wasn't sure he would be leaving her. He promised he would be and would not agree to let me go. What a crock of crap. :( Sounds like you had the same sort of thing. I am sorry. I don't wish this on anyone.

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Exactly. I truly thought he was there until the kids left home. He actually told me that he was and that she knew that he would leave once the kids were gone. I would get negative and question and he would be the optimist and say things to keep me believing that it would get better. I mean, he actually would say, "I am so sorry, this is not fair to you. I promise it will get better, we will be together." Even things like planning trips to Hawaii and Tahiti. I too was divorced and it took several months for him to move out, and then over a year for the divorce to be final. I too dated during that time. Anyway, live and learn I guess. Even at my age still learning some hard lessons. I thin the biggest thing for me is I had asked him many, many, times to let me go if he wasn't sure he would be leaving her. He promised he would be and would not agree to let me go. What a crock of crap. :( Sounds like you had the same sort of thing. I am sorry. I don't wish this on anyone.

 

 

 

 

What made you decide to stop waiting for him?

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What made you decide to stop waiting for him?

 

His kids all went to college, the last one went in August. Over the next 4 weekends they went down to the kids colleges together to watch the football games or other things that were going on at the 2 different universities that the kids were going to. The drive to and from the furthest was 4 hours each direction. I expected him to start a conversation with her at some point saying that he would be leaving. Instead she was posting happy family pictures on FB. Announcing that they were "officially empty nesters."

 

I suddenly just realized that he wasn't going anywhere. He said something about being afraid of losing his kids. Then he went home from work one day crying (according to him.) I got the sense he was struggling to leave her. But, then I felt like maybe he was realizing he couldn't do it. I found myself sitting here missing him and wanting to be his only woman, and he was running around with his wife, being the good husband/father. The more this went on, the more I realized that maybe I was being lied to. I mean the kids were gone and all of the sudden, the woman that "knew" he would be leaving once the kids did was posting FB stuff that showed nothing of that sort.

 

I just wanted off the train. I didn't really think much about it. I told him I was done and I sent her a message telling her that I was giving her husband back. The initial reaction was silence. He was even texting me still telling me he loved me. I then sent her a message apologizing for my part. Still silence, except for him telling me that his "life was over." That was it! I finally knew it was all a big lie. 7 days after I sent my first message I sent her a timeline of all the times when we were together in the last two years. They live on the East Coast and I live on the West Coast. That is when it all came tumbling down. That is when he lashed out at me, told me he always loved her, and he never planned to leave. Horrible day for me.

 

Totally broke my heart. All the plans we made. Hard to understand how someone can look you in the eye, make promises, kiss my tears and not mean any of it.

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Hi Lynn,

 

The hardest part for me was actually going NC and actioning it. From wanting to get out to getting out was 6 months. I had intensive psychotherapy

 

I ask you this though - have you said to him that the affair is over and you are going NC? I've always found that you have to say it how it is in simple terms to a man. Maybe he thinks you are just angry and leaving you alone to cool off?

 

The first couple of weeks was a mixture of sadness, liberating, ecstasy, confusion, regret that I had not said more in my final email. And then the negatives passed. At about a month I realised NC for me was the best way of getting out of the affair because my feelings towards him quickly evaporated like never experienced before following a break up.

 

I kept busy - gym, looking after my physical appearance, throwing myself into motherhood, improving my business, doing positive things. At two months I look back and can't believe I was ever involved in an affair.

 

The one thing that remained constant was this: every single day being in NC beats every single day that I was in the affair.

 

I cried the other day when I got in from work. One of my employees commented that it was great to have the old me back after so many years (and she knew nothing of the affair). I hadn't realised that I'd changed so much.

 

You need to take valuable lessons from an affair. It doesn't have to define you and you don't need to carry around a fOW tag if you choose not to. You don't need to label yourself broken beyond repair unless I have serious psychological evaluation and reprogramming! If you learn where you went wrong, can state that no way will you ever go back there and re-assess all personal boundaries then an affair was not to no avail.

 

Good luck on your new life.

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whichwayisup
So, yesterday I had a conversation with exMM and things just went completely down hill. It is done. We both had more we wanted to say, but I just hung up...couldn't take the emotional tension. Felt good for the first 12 hours, now I'm up to a full 24 hours without calls or emails and I hurt.

 

 

How long does it take to feel better. How long does it take to get over the anger? I feel like at my age this may have been my last chance at love and it makes me sick with depression.

 

Like any loss, it takes time to grieve and to feel better. Just let yourself cry as much as you can. It's okay to hurt so don't be afraid of that pain. Know you're gonna feel crappy and have some bad days but also know there will be days when you feel much better and happier.

 

Don't even think so far ahead into the future, that's pointless and only going to add stress. Deal with today and tomorrow.

 

In a week, get yourself out there. Call a friend, go shopping. Give yourself a break from all this. Being with friends is a good distraction!

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Hi Lynn, good on you for going NC, even though you're hurting so much. I'm on day 52 NC now. It still hurts. It's different for everyone, I suppose.

 

As time goes on, most of the days I have felt pretty awesome, after a 4.5 year A it feels good to be free and not having MM consume my life and emotions. However, the most important thing I've learned is that there are going to be bad days where you feel like absolute crap. And when the bad days come, it's not because you're doing anything wrong, it's just part of the process of moving on. I'm very blessed to have some wonderful and supportive friends in my life who have helped me survive those days, helping me to have the strength to keep NC, and also to put myself back together. I hope that you have some good people in your life who you can reach out to and lean on. I highly encourage you to do so, it has been a lifesaver for me throughout this process.

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His kids all went to college, the last one went in August. Over the next 4 weekends they went down to the kids colleges together to watch the football games or other things that were going on at the 2 different universities that the kids were going to. The drive to and from the furthest was 4 hours each direction. I expected him to start a conversation with her at some point saying that he would be leaving. Instead she was posting happy family pictures on FB. Announcing that they were "officially empty nesters."

 

I suddenly just realized that he wasn't going anywhere. He said something about being afraid of losing his kids. Then he went home from work one day crying (according to him.) I got the sense he was struggling to leave her. But, then I felt like maybe he was realizing he couldn't do it. I found myself sitting here missing him and wanting to be his only woman, and he was running around with his wife, being the good husband/father. The more this went on, the more I realized that maybe I was being lied to. I mean the kids were gone and all of the sudden, the woman that "knew" he would be leaving once the kids did was posting FB stuff that showed nothing of that sort.

 

I just wanted off the train. I didn't really think much about it. I told him I was done and I sent her a message telling her that I was giving her husband back. The initial reaction was silence. He was even texting me still telling me he loved me. I then sent her a message apologizing for my part. Still silence, except for him telling me that his "life was over." That was it! I finally knew it was all a big lie. 7 days after I sent my first message I sent her a timeline of all the times when we were together in the last two years. They live on the East Coast and I live on the West Coast. That is when it all came tumbling down. That is when he lashed out at me, told me he always loved her, and he never planned to leave. Horrible day for me.

 

Totally broke my heart. All the plans we made. Hard to understand how someone can look you in the eye, make promises, kiss my tears and not mean any of it.

 

 

 

I'm scared my story would have eventually played out like yours. What heart ache...but at least he gave you something to be really angry with and sometimes that can help you move on faster. I suspect he was just angry and pushing you away when he said that though. I debated telling the W last week for various reasons but didn't. I think I'm glad I didn't although I know it would totally close the door on my relationship and maybe that is what I need.

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So, yesterday I had a conversation with exMM and things just went completely down hill. It is done. We both had more we wanted to say, but I just hung up...couldn't take the emotional tension. Felt good for the first 12 hours, now I'm up to a full 24 hours without calls or emails and I hurt.

 

 

How long does it take to feel better. How long does it take to get over the anger? I feel like at my age this may have been my last chance at love and it makes me sick with depression.

 

The pain you feel is very real. There is no quick fix. I know how badly we want to fix the pain immediately when it hurts so bad that we can't tolerate it and that's why so many of us run back to the source of pain and try to mend things with the ex AP to alleviate the excruciating pain yet to do that is to delay healing. It's a vicious cycle. The only thing you can do is be patient, persistent, and fully engage in your own life independent of him even if you have to force yourself due to lack of energy or interest and a sense of hopelessness. Force yourself to do things that are healthy for your mental status, whether you feel like it or not. It will take a very long time before you feel normal again and lots of hard work. You will go back and forth between anger, sadness, hopelessness, and once in a while you will feel good but it will once again be followed by pain. This cycle will continue for months. But then one day you'll notice the good moments last longer. You will suddenly have desires again that have nothing to do with your ex AP. The down moments will come less often and won't cut as deep. The better you are at staying away from him, the faster you will heal. Though through this process you'll likely go back and forth with him too. Just keep getting back on track and working on yourself. Invest in yourself. Stop investing in a losing prospect. It will only damage you. Good luck. It's hard, but you can do it.

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Lovelysweet2

I am also NC, and have pushed all the buttons on all that I could to block them out of my life. I will not know one way or the other if they choose to try. Empowerment. You can do it! It is hard, but when there are more feelings of pain, then good, you know it is wrong for you. Good luck.

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I am also NC, and have pushed all the buttons on all that I could to block them out of my life. I will not know one way or the other if they choose to try. Empowerment. You can do it! It is hard, but when there are more feelings of pain, then good, you know it is wrong for you. Good luck.

 

 

 

 

 

You are strong Lovelysweet. That is the way to do it, make it an absolute, make it permanent and real. I'm not there yet, but I do recognize that is what I need to aspire to...total NC. I haven't called/emailed/texted...but I haven't blocked him either. And...I admit to looking at his FB, not that there is ever much on there, but yeah. That is an addiction and a downfall...setting a goal of going cold turkey on that one starting Friday.

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Don't best yourself up about looking at his FB, I'm 7 weeks NC and I finally yesterday decided to block the FB profile. It took me almost 2 months to do that so the fact you have decided to so quickly shows great strength. I decided with the new month I was going to delete the one last peep of him I had, mind you it was only his profile picture but I still looked. I also made my other social media pages private not to keep him from looking at what I posted but to keep ME from posting thing in hopes he would look at it. See you are not alone, it is a daily struggle and as others have shared it gets easier with time.

 

Remember each day MM becomes a distance memory, so will the pain. Keep pushing forward. My pain is still there but is now at a dull level but it takes time. Be kind to yourself.

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Lovelysweet2
You are strong Lovelysweet. That is the way to do it, make it an absolute, make it permanent and real. I'm not there yet, but I do recognize that is what I need to aspire to...total NC. I haven't called/emailed/texted...but I haven't blocked him either. And...I admit to looking at his FB, not that there is ever much on there, but yeah. That is an addiction and a downfall...setting a goal of going cold turkey on that one starting Friday.

 

Thank you, it is true, you cannot do it correctly if it is not the best time and you are ready. I blocked all. The email for me was the most difficult, but it had to be. The facebook finally already did then unblocked had to wait 48 hours (we do not correspond this way) but I do not want temptation and I do not want him looking at my business. I hope you get there. I am done. It is almost impossible to change my conviction when I have made it up. I am thinking of it in these terms, why would I keep buying the same shampoo if it caused my hair to be weak, brittle, and dull...why would I keep inviting unhappiness into my life when there are other options.

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Lovelysweet2

Your affair will be harder to stop because yours seems filled with broken promises and future faking. I am glad to have not dealt with that. Mine had just got on my last nerve. He is sketchy. He seemed to like a little too much adventure, and he would bring things up, that just had me wondering lately how much of a friend this guy really is. I believe I needed to make up my own answer and be done with it. Hope it gets to be much better for you. Truly.

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Posted a couple of weeks ago that NC went down the toilet...big mistake. Let him back into my life with his promises of marriage and his begging to see me. Last night he called and begged to see me, finally agreed to see him and then HE said, "No, lets wait until I'm divorced." I was so confused and angered by this game he seemed to be playing (after all I was the one who kept suggesting that is what we should do) I threatened to tell his wife. I threatened this once before and he claimed he'd already told her. I never really believed him. Last night when I threatened, and said I was going to call her on their home number he FLIPPED. He threatened to harm me, to do "unspeakable" damage to my family. I hung up and emailed him that because I am a single mom living with my kids, I feel the need to take these threats seriously and that I would call the police. He emailed me that he just said those things after feeling threatened. Should I call the police? Should I call his wife? Should I just go 100% NC and don't look back and forget all the threat stuff?

 

 

Bottom line is: When he truly realized that I stood to inform his wife of his affair, he wanted out. He is so invested in his wife not knowing what he has been up to for 3 years that he would threaten the woman he was just claiming he wanted to marry. While I dont' believe I DESERVED that, I guess I NEEDED it to break through this fog and realize what is real and what isn't.

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Posted a couple of weeks ago that NC went down the toilet...big mistake. Let him back into my life with his promises of marriage and his begging to see me. Last night he called and begged to see me, finally agreed to see him and then HE said, "No, lets wait until I'm divorced." I was so confused and angered by this game he seemed to be playing (after all I was the one who kept suggesting that is what we should do) I threatened to tell his wife. I threatened this once before and he claimed he'd already told her. I never really believed him. Last night when I threatened, and said I was going to call her on their home number he FLIPPED. He threatened to harm me, to do "unspeakable" damage to my family. I hung up and emailed him that because I am a single mom living with my kids, I feel the need to take these threats seriously and that I would call the police. He emailed me that he just said those things after feeling threatened. Should I call the police? Should I call his wife? Should I just go 100% NC and don't look back and forget all the threat stuff?

 

 

Bottom line is: When he truly realized that I stood to inform his wife of his affair, he wanted out. He is so invested in his wife not knowing what he has been up to for 3 years that he would threaten the woman he was just claiming he wanted to marry. While I dont' believe I DESERVED that, I guess I NEEDED it to break through this fog and realize what is real and what isn't.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, LynnFrost. I think you summed up your situation quite accurately. Flipping out, making threats against your family, saying he would harm you, etc. are not the hallmarks of a man in love and ready to leave one woman for another. The overwhelming support for NC is to avoid these very types of situations. He invited himself back into your life, purportedly with something new to share but then backed off. It seems he just needed his ego massaged.

 

I haven't been in this situation and I am not generally a poster who screams for disclosure (i am a MW who had a brief A with a MM), but in your case I think it is warranted. You should tell his W as it will ensure you don't hear from him again. As for the police, do you really feel threatened or would it be grandstanding? I only ask because police records are public, if that would be a concern. But if you truly feel he's capable of hurting you or your children, then YES. Also, you need to stop the empty threats. If you aren't calling the police or telling the W, don't tell him you will. He will sniff out that weakness quite readily.

 

For some of us the hammer over the head doesn't work the first time.:( I have every confidence you now recognize the hows and whys of NC. Block in every direction but if you disclose to his W, be prepared and willing to answer her questions.

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I'm sorry you're hurting, LynnFrost. I think you summed up your situation quite accurately. Flipping out, making threats against your family, saying he would harm you, etc. are not the hallmarks of a man in love and ready to leave one woman for another. The overwhelming support for NC is to avoid these very types of situations. He invited himself back into your life, purportedly with something new to share but then backed off. It seems he just needed his ego massaged.

 

I haven't been in this situation and I am not generally a poster who screams for disclosure (i am a MW who had a brief A with a MM), but in your case I think it is warranted. You should tell his W as it will ensure you don't hear from him again. As for the police, do you really feel threatened or would it be grandstanding? I only ask because police records are public, if that would be a concern. But if you truly feel he's capable of hurting you or your children, then YES. Also, you need to stop the empty threats. If you aren't calling the police or telling the W, don't tell him you will. He will sniff out that weakness quite readily.

 

For some of us the hammer over the head doesn't work the first time.:( I have every confidence you now recognize the hows and whys of NC. Block in every direction but if you disclose to his W, be prepared and willing to answer her questions.

 

 

 

Thank you sunburned. Your comments are helpful.

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I would call the police and make a report. Im sorry but that is not ok.

That will probably get back to his wife anyway. two birds one stone.

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So, yesterday I had a conversation with exMM and things just went completely down hill. It is done. We both had more we wanted to say, but I just hung up...couldn't take the emotional tension. Felt good for the first 12 hours, now I'm up to a full 24 hours without calls or emails and I hurt.

 

 

How long does it take to feel better. How long does it take to get over the anger? I feel like at my age this may have been my last chance at love and it makes me sick with depression.

 

 

To be honest, my experience is that it gets harder. I was okay for a while, but now it's hitting my like a ton of bricks!!! Once I found out he was married 6 weeks ago, I broke the relationship off, no contact and havent spoken to him since.

The relationship lasted 2 years and I didn't have a clue until I found out...

I ache everyday and think, "How could a man who promised much and did a lot do me like this?"

 

PLease let me know what works for you, maybe it can help me...

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