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How do you move on after being 'other man'?


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Hi,

 

New to this forum, I found on Google, I suppose looking for advice or another point of view. (Warning, I've just reached the end of my post and it is fairly long, so if you don't want to read all the way through, not a problem, click out now!)

 

I've recently 'celebrated' my 45th birthday and feel at quite a bit of a crossroads. I'm struggling with the fact that I feel I've wasted 13 years of my life in an on/off relationship with a married woman.

 

We met through work in 1999, I was 29 she's ten years older and she was my direct manager in a new job I started. I instantly felt comfortable in this job as she was the friendliest and most helpful line manager I had ever had. I was single, I'd gone through my 20s as a bit of a party boy, never really settling down to a serious relationship, but a few months earlier I had bought my first house, so I suppose I was looking towards my thirties as the time when I would meet someone and settle down, start a family etc.

 

My manager - let's call her Sarah - was married with two young sons of 8 and 5, so I certainly never thought of her as a potential girlfriend, but we got on very well in work and occasionally when the whole staff went out after work. We found that we had a lot of interests in common outside of work too, and often found ourselves working alone together 'after hours' and starting to flirt, eventually pretty outrageously. To cut a long story short, 1st January 2000 we had to go into a deserted office together to do some checks on the computer systems - remember the Millennium Bug that everyone was talking about? Everyone was worrying about it but it turned out to be nothing, but that morning we were checking stuff together, she hadn't had a great New Year's Eve and we started chatting more personally, until we kissed and eventually made love for the first time, on work premises, hours into the new year.

 

She was my direct manager until 2003 and we carried on an affair meeting pretty regularly at that time - usually she would come to my house, though a couple of times we met at hotels. Nobody we worked with ever seemed to suspect anything, and if there had been rumours, we would have heard them as it was a very 'gossipy' company. Sarah was devoted to her children though, so it wasn't even on the agenda that she would leave her husband, I knew exactly what the arrangement was and that I was there to give her what she couldn't get from her husband - who was quite a bit older than her and by all accounts a bit of a 'cold fish'. But her devotion to her kids probably deflected any idea amongst our work colleagues that she'd even contemplate having another man, let alone me!

 

Sarah became a regional manager within the company in 2003 so she was no longer working directly managing me, but we continued to meet and I never sat down and questioned what the hell I was doing, because I was besotted with her. Her new job entailed a lot of travelling round the whole north of England and there were hotel stays where we could arrange meetings, though it was important we couldn't be seen together.

 

This went on for 9 years, and in all that time, I never once took a reality check and thought how my life was going. I stayed with the same company, because of the connection with Sarah, I never even thought of meeting someone else - someone single and available - even though sometimes, I wouldn't see Sarah for 2 or 3 months, 5 months on one occasion. But when she called, I would always be there for her. I even let my own friends down on more than one occasion with stupid excuses because I had received 'the call' as I thought of it.

 

In these 13 years - between being 29 and 42 - I never slept with anyone else, but the sex life I had with Sarah was enough, because I loved her and it wasn't just sex, I always felt we had a deep connection, and deep down, I held out the hope that once her youngest got to 18, she would eventually look at the situation in a different light, divorce her husband and settle with me.

 

I felt it even stronger one weekend 3 years ago. Sarah had to travel to a conference in a foreign city, but she gave me the details of the hotel where she would be staying and I met up with her, but it was slightly different. Because we were in a foreign city where nobody knew us, we could go out and have dinner and then go round the bars and some of the nighttime sights, and for the first time in my life, I had what other people take for granted, I felt part of a proper loving couple. I know Sarah loved it too, because it was an escape for her, her husband wasn't really one for 'date nights', he was all business, business, business, but it meant he was helping assure a comfortable future for the children and, as it turns out, Sarah as well.

 

It all finished two years ago - basically, the company we worked for was taken over, and Sarah and I were both made redundant in the same week. I'd actually had to sell my house a couple of years earlier - my income was dependent on sales, and as sales collapsed because of the crash, I was struggling too much with mortgage payments. I had to move in with my elderly parents (in their 80s) and I am still here now.

 

Around the same time, Sarah's youngest left home and went to uni, so in a way, this was the time I had been waiting for, but I think because our worlds had been turned upside down by redundancy and the thread that had connected us all this time had been broken, Sarah decided that we should finish. Her husband thought it would be a good idea to move to another area, from where he could still run his business, but Sarah would have a better chance of finding new work in her mid-50s, and she didn't want to take 'early retirement'. And that was that, but even when she was finishing with me, she was telling me to find someone else and that I would do so easily, because of all the qualities that had attracted her - and instead of being angry with her for stringing me along for 13 years, I was pathetically grateful for the compliments that she paid me and this absurd idea that in her own way, she still loved me.

 

Anyway, that was all 2 years ago, I've had a lot of crying and grieving to get through, my very kind parents have been a great help.

 

Workwise, I haven't had a full-time, permanent job since being made redundant - it was no wonder that Sarah moved, work in the business where I've worked all my life is pretty scarce now, so I've had to start 'retraining'. This has meant going to college with kids of 20, which I hate because I feel *so* old, but I'm about halfway through a vocational qualification which an employment agency thinks will give me a good chance of getting a reasonable job in the new year.

 

As for dating, that has been a complete no-go since Sarah finished me. To be honest, I'm just starting to get over all of this. For months afterwards, I was going on her Facebook, looking at pictures... most of the posts she makes are about her sons, of whom she's so proud. But just seeing new photos of her gave me a weird mixture of excitement and depression. For about a year afterwards I was hoping she would contact me, but nothing... and she knows that I won't contact her, even though I could blow her marriage away by just turning up at her house, because deep down, in a weird kind of way, I still love her enough not to want to hurt her like that, even though she's hurt me.

 

I suppose after all this rambling, my question is: how do I move on, at 45 years of age, and have a normal relationship in the future?

 

I don't have any of the things people expect of a 45-year old. No house of my own, no kids, not even an ex-wife. How would I explain to a potential girlfriend that I spent 13 years of my life hanging on a string for a married woman ten years older than me? For a start, it makes me look as if I have no respect for marriage or monogamy, that I was happy sleeping with someone who was also sleeping with her husband. It just looks so wrong now, even though at the time, I never questioned it at all in my own head.

 

Also, I'm starting to regret that I've never had any children. When I was in my 30s, I was besotted with Sarah, but that had been the age 10 years earlier when Sarah had had her children. I look back now and I wasted those years. Now, if I want to consider having children, I would have to date someone maybe 8-10 years younger than me, and I don't seem to have any connection with people that much younger. I've wandered onto a couple of dating sites and seen that people of that age are all into 'music festivals and foreign holidays' and I just couldn't be bothered. Yet if I try and find someone my own age, or older like Sarah was, I'm blocking out the possibility of ever having children of my own. Is that putting the cart before the horse as well?

 

I'm not sure I can envisage the sort of woman I could fall for now and settle down long term. I suppose that's one thing I have in common with divorcees! I've slept with one person for 13 years of my life, it's pretty difficult to imagine what it would be like with someone else again, even though I had a fairly wide sex life in my 20s. On a basic level though, I haven't had sex for 2 years and that's starting to bother me!

 

Well it's all a bit of a mess. Congratulations if you've managed to read this far, and if anyone has any advice or comments, theyd be most welcome.

 

Thanks.

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First off,, block her on FB so you don't keep looking at her pics. Second, it takes time but focus on you. You wasted many years, it won't fix itself over night don't expect it to happen fast. When you get tired of feeling sorry for yourself, the healing will continue faster

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Chesire,

 

Belated happy birthday. Thirteen years is such a long A.

 

Just as when we divorce you have to allow yourself to heal, it is traumatizing and add to that the job loss. The loss of your home.

 

That is so much to digest and cope with. Be kind to yourself, yet still, try to at least go out and treat yourself to some time with a few friends now and then.

 

Just take gradual steps to transition into the life you set aside for your MW.

 

We as ow and om can give testimony to staying at home waiting for their MM or MW to call.

 

I was an OW for nearly 6 years so in some way I can relate to you, however add to your 13 years , losing all you have, I can only sympathize.

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First off,, block her on FB so you don't keep looking at her pics. Second, it takes time but focus on you. You wasted many years, it won't fix itself over night don't expect it to happen fast. When you get tired of feeling sorry for yourself, the healing will continue faster

 

I have unfriended her now, I did it a couple of months ago. But obviously, loads of my friends are from the company we both worked for during those 13 years, so I would still see quite frequent references to her. I just don't go on the thing now.

I haven't actually posted anything for nearly 2 years anyway. I would deactivate to be honest, but the site doesn't let you go quietly now. It replaces your picture with a silhouette and tells everyone you've deactivated, so people will go 'ooh, why's he deactivated?'. I know this from someone who deactivated last year. So the best thing is just to not go on, I don't think anyone has noticed my lack of activity.

 

I hope it doesn't look as though I am feeling sorry for myself. I just think my main issue is how will I approach dating, when I feel I'm ready for it. How do I 'explain away' the last 15 years when most potential partners would have expected a 45-year old to have been raising a family? It's bad enough that I have to explain to potential employers why I spent 13 years with a company that was gradually going down the pan and had to be bailed out. Of course, I just say 'I'm loyal to employers'.

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Chesire,

 

Belated happy birthday. Thirteen years is such a long A.

 

Just as when we divorce you have to allow yourself to heal, it is traumatizing and add to that the job loss. The loss of your home.

 

Ironically, in the circumstances I'm in, this is better than living on my own. My parents are nice company. Of course, when I had my own house, it was somewhere Sarah could come to spend time with me - usually weekdays I'd have off while her kids were at school. But I wouldn't want to be living there now.

 

I suppose I worry how it's perceived by other people - 45-year old living with his parents. But the age my parents are at, it's nice to be able to spend time with them like I didn't really do in my 30s.

 

Thanks for the kind words. Not really ready for dating yet, and many of the friends I had outside of work are all in the midst of their own family-raising, school-run years - most of them have young teenage kids - so I don't spend so much time with them now. Just concentrating on studying atm, and the internet helps keep some sort of social interaction, such as it is. I tweet anonymously and 'chat' to people with the same interests I come across on there, but there's going to come a time I'm going to have to step out into the 'real world' again. I don't want to be like this when I'm fifty!

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I feel for you but you still can find a woman and have a child.Go on doing as you are bettering yourself. Their is woman out there that will be happy to have

you. Big Hug

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I have read your post all the way to the end. I feel soo bad for you that you miss all those years of your life. I sort of know how that feels because I am single now at the age of 38 I dont know if or when I would start a new family. Every one feel the same way at a centain age we are supose to acomplish certain things at this time.

 

All my friends is marriend, I have only brothers all of them have their wifes and for 10 years since I been devorced I was never lucky to find that special someone to settle down and have more kids/ house etc. Some of my friends have 1 child from previous marriage just like me, they moved on to marring a second time haveing more kids. I still didn't!

 

I hope one day I can have that life too, I pray as always and thank God for health and strength that I can work and pay my rent and take care of everything. I think God already have our path planned already. Dont give up keep living every day happy as can be ;)

Edited by EverLastluv
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I'm a bit surprised that two years later you still aren't ready to start dating yet. Maybe you just need to give yourself that kick in the butt to get yourself out there. Normally, a guy's hormones would provide the necessary motivation to get back in the game after two years of no sex.

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I'm a bit surprised that two years later you still aren't ready to start dating yet. Maybe you just need to give yourself that kick in the butt to get yourself out there. Normally, a guy's hormones would provide the necessary motivation to get back in the game after two years of no sex.

 

It's an odd one really. I think my body is ready for sex, or at least thinks it is. Even random sex with someone I'll never see again. I used to do that when I was in my early 20s, but the thing is that was with women also in their early 20s. People in the 40s don't tend to behave like that, at least where I come from! And there's no way, at 45, I'd want to go looking for sex with women so much younger, though I know plenty do... it would feel creepy tbh.

 

Also, I think I would soon get fed up with casual sex for its own sake. I felt my sex life had all the advantages of being married and none of the disadvantages... ie, we had a limited amount of times we could meet up, so it never went stale in bed, yet we knew each other so intimately, we knew exactly what the other wanted in a physical relationship. Maybe its TMI, but we never used 'protection'... when we met she was on the pill, and obviously the relationship went through her 40s and into her 50s, so unwanted pregnancy didn't become an issue. I did think 'what if her husband's sleeping around and neither of us know?' but never more than fleetingly. And I never had/have had any STIs, so it obviously wasn't an issue. (Yes I regularly tested in the course of other medical check-ups).

 

To go from such a relationship to sex with someone I hardly know, using condoms... well that wouldn't seem a particularly satisfying type of sex, just thinking about it...

 

So any dating would at least be with a view to actually establishing a relationship with someone. And that's the bit I'll find hard - starting from scratch on an emotional level. This is, at least, where I can relate so someone who's been married and divorced, but even in 2014, I think this is more socially acceptable than someone who's been an OM for 13 years.

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It's tough to see it for what it is, but she used you for 13 years. I am so sorry.

 

Looking back, she had everything she wanted. A successful, wealthy husband; a lovely house in a posh area; two children she adored who wanted for nothing - private schooling no less, and university, neither of which I ever had the chance to have; yet when she needed an ego boost, she had a younger man she could come to who would tell her how wonderful she was, and give her better sex than she felt she was getting at home (this isn't showing off, this is what she said).

 

I think in the beginning, I was probably her antidote to a mid-life crisis. She was just about to become forty when she met me, so I guess to attract a 29-year old must have been something of an 'up-yours' to any thoughts of ageing.

 

To be fair though, she never made any promises to me at all. It was me who created this idea in my head that our connection was strong enough for her to want to settle with me when her youngest got to 18. It was never promised. At one stage, she even 'gave me permission' to look for someone else for when she couldn't be around, but I never did.

It was my own fault that I became so emotionally invested in her that I couldn't take steps with anyone else, and in the 13 years I did pass up on two possible opportunities with women my own age who were single and available. Anyway, I wouldn't have wanted to let S. go, so how could I start any kind of relationship with anyone else?.. 'oh, by the way, I sleep with one of my managers from work from time to time, I hope that's okay...' And casual sex was something I did in my early 20s, but never appealed to me after I met S.

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  • 2 weeks later...

You've been through a lot.

 

Remember that life isn't a competition or a race; it's a journey with many lessons along the way. The journey is just as important as the destination IMO. Stop worrying about how far behind you are compared to others or where you "ought" to be.

 

That being said, living with your parents will be a red flag for many women. There are extenuating circumstances, and you lived on your own for a decade-plus before the downturn. So, you are capable of living independently. Once you start dating though, you'll probably want your privacy and space back. Beyond high school, it would just be weird to encounter a date's parents whenever he takes you home...at least for me it would feel strange.

 

You mentioned a paucity of relevant jobs in your area. Have you considered relocating to other cities, where it might be easier? A fresh start might be good for you on multiple fronts.

 

I'm really super against affairs, but there's something to be said for being loyal and faithful to someone for thirteen years. It also explains why you never married.

 

TBH, aside from living with your parents, your biggest obstacle to dating will be your relatively poor self image and your negative self-chatter. You're going to have to get over the view that you're "defective" or un-dateable because you've never been married and have no kids. Also, learn to forgive yourself for past mistakes.

 

I wish you happiness and loving companionship.

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Remember that life isn't a competition or a race; it's a journey with many lessons along the way. The journey is just as important as the destination IMO. Stop worrying about how far behind you are compared to others or where you "ought" to be.

 

TBH, aside from living with your parents, your biggest obstacle to dating will be your relatively poor self image and your negative self-chatter. You're going to have to get over the view that you're "defective" or un-dateable because you've never been married and have no kids. Also, learn to forgive yourself for past mistakes.

 

I wish you happiness and loving companionship.

 

Thank you for your kind words, you are very thoughtful.

 

I think I have issues that are well outside the scope of this forum, ie financial, job etc. I wouldn't want to go back to the industry I - we - were in, as it's very much sales based and nobody's buying right now! That's why I'm studying, to fill the gaps in my cv - I hadn't even used Excel until a few months ago! - and already the feedback I'm getting from agencies etc is positive, and I'll hopefully be able to get work in a more administrative capacity when I've finished this in late Jan.

 

I suppose the studying though has caused me a problem in one sense because everyone else in the group is in their early twenties and I feel so *old*. It's not that they're unpleasant or unfriendly, in fact some are doing their best to be friendly, and indulge in small talk such as... "do you have any children?". And that's brought home to me how even being a single OM overwhelms you in secrecy. I can hardly say 'no, I've never been married because I devoted half my adult life to a woman who already was'. I just shuffle the conversation away from my life onto theirs, or the work we're doing.

 

I used to be like this while I was seeing my MW as well. Friends, people I worked with (the irony), even family members were always curious why I never had a girlfriend, some offered to set me up on blind dates, I think many assumed I was gay and didn't want to 'come out'. I think it has affected my friendships in that none my friends have ever become that close, as I didn't want to let anyone too close at the risk of exposing my MW.

 

She seemed to be expert at secrecy - even when she was a Regional Manager, she used to visit my branch and do her job totally professionally, once criticising both me and my manager when the branch wasn't doing that well - then later that day she sent me a text saying 'sorry, it's my job'. But my manager had been slagging her off after she'd left, saying 'what a bitch' etc, and God knows what my manager would have said or done if she'd known I was so close to the woman who'd just been tearing us off a strip. I knew a completely different side to her of course. A few days after she had been in our branch telling us how crap we were doing, she was in my house, my bed - it was like the ultimate in a 'double life' for both of us, and I don't know if it's because she's older or what, but she's been better at handling it than I have.

 

One lesson I have learned is that the secrecy doesn't finish with the end of the affair. I still can't find a way, in my own head, of explaining away those 13 years without coming across as a total bastard, helping deceive a man who'd done me no harm and putting the harmony of a family at risk. :(

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Do you ever consider telling the husband?

 

Good God no. It wouldn't do me any good, in fact I'd feel a lot worse if I ruined the lives of four other people.

 

The guy is in his 60s for a start - how would I feel if he had heart trouble or something, and died of shock? Her sons aren't kids now, but if they knew they would look at their mum in a different way, maybe take sides... and at least my MW can never say that I let her down or betrayed her, so in one way, that makes me better than her. But really, I can't even say that she let me down, because she never promised anything.

 

It's been two years now and I was getting better, but I think what has brought things back into focus is being around a load of 20-year olds on the course I'm studying. These youngsters with their hectic social lives and endless potential. Maybe I'm a bit jealous of them cause they've got everything in front of them. :o

Whereas I've got an iffy past that needs to be 'explained away'. If I could give two pieces of advice to these kids as they go through life, they would be a) NEVER get involved with someone you work with and b) NEVER get involved with someone who's married.

 

It's putting the past into the context of the past, then making the best of whatever's in front of me that's more important than stirring up trouble for two people who don't even live in the area anymore.

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  • 2 weeks later...
OldMaidJuliet

Cheshire, I relate too much to your post. I'm younger than you, I, too, gave my youth away- my prime reproductive years- to a married AP. Men tend to like younger women, whereas women often like older men. So, while I'm younger than you, I feel I'm ageing out of the preferred dating pool. Also, women lose fertility faster. Men's fertility declines more slowly, & they can potentially retain it forever. My fertility is already on the decline. With every period, I'm reminded of this.

 

I didn't "waste" 13 years, but 6 1/2. If you count my MM, & one of my former partners (not married), together, I gave them around 11 years. I gave 11 years of my early youth to two men- that's almost all of my early youth. Both left me. One never loved me romantically. I feel the fool. Like you, my relationship with my AP began in my 20's, but it started earlier in my 20's. He was also older- over twice my age.

 

Unlike you, I didn't spend a lot of my youth partying it up, which I regret, but I had a short, wilder period. I had an open relationship during that time. There was about a 2 year period after that open relationship stage where I did not have sex. When I finally had sex again it was with the MM. You say you haven't had sex with anyone new in years. Same here- one sex partner in about 8 1/2 years. That's unusual for someone my age who hasn't been married.

 

Unlike you, I can't say I didn't assess things. I did the "reality check," but I stayed, anyway. I made choices during this time, as you did, which messed me up. Mostly, what I did was this- I had broken up with my open relationship partner before meeting the MM, but our breakup was because of timing and circumstance, not because of him or us. I always liked him & vice versa. We had a chance to reconnect when I was with my MM, but I wanted to be monogamous- as you were to your MW, so I turned him down. I really believe we could have mutually loved and been in love with one another. He was the best prospect for marriage or kids I've ever had. I later realized this error & was going to tell him, but he got married. :( I feel the entire course of my life in terms of marriage & kids was changed by this MM & my stupid loyalty which made me monogamous him. Like your MW, he was a parent & had a partner.

 

In retrospect it was INSANE for us to be monogamous to people who were married, but I was, like you. My MM like your MW told me I could be with other people, but I wasn't. Also like you, I had other options that I turned away. I passed up not only my best marriage prospect whom I had feelings for, but two other men I might have been able to date & love. I also passed up sex with other people. I gave almost all of my early youth & best fertile years to two men. I never slept with anyone else while with my MM, but the sex was great, & I loved him. Also, like your MW, my MM never made me false promises. He actually went so far as to tell me he would never leave his marriage.

 

I also am not where I should be with my life. I think people will understand in your situation, though, because you had set backs due to financial collapse. I'm also a non-trad student, & have been doing really well until, lately. I feel I am messing my life up all over again. I also feel old, as you do. But hey, at least you are on your way to a better job & a better education! That's great!

 

It takes awhile to heal from heartache. My MM broke my heart, too. However, he broke it during our first break up and during our relationship in general, so that by this breakup, I feel much better about it all.

 

Like you, I wonder, what's it like to be in a "normal" relationship? It's been so long. I don't know how I'd even handle it. Like you, I wonder how future partners will view me when I admit having been the OW.

 

For a start, it makes me look as if I have no respect for marriage or monogamy, that I was happy sleeping with someone who was also sleeping with her husband. It just looks so wrong now, even though at the time, I never questioned it at all in my own head.

 

I don't target married men. Plus, I've been monogamous to my own partners when I've loved them. I was also honest with other partners when I wanted to have an open relationship. In spite of this, I'll be honest, I know it sounds bad- guess it is bad- but I AM losing respect for marriage and monogamy! I agree that being in an affair blurs your perception. Love makes things feel right. Plus, there are sometimes circumstances that make things seem less black & white.

 

While you don't want to date younger people, I now wonder if I missed out by not dating more of them, as now younger people will not want me because I'm getting older. Older men won't want me as much, either, because they like younger women. Even men my age seem to want younger women.

 

It is, I think, possible to find younger women who share your interests, personality, etc. They are not all the same. Plus, why do you have to enjoy ALL of the same things as your partner? If she likes music festivals, ok. She likes music like nearly everyone on the planet- including, I assume, you. So, you two can enjoy listening to music together at home, & when she gets an itch to go to a festival, she can enjoy that with her friends, family, by herself, etc. If you really want a child, it is not too late. I hope you do not use a woman for a child, though. Find a fertile woman who wants kids whom you actually like as a person & who you can find mutual love & friendship with. I know you probably feel rushed, & I ain't sayin' it'll be easy. I wish you the best.

Edited by OldMaidJuliet
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  • 2 weeks later...

cheshire

i feel for you. truly. But you have to take some responsibility for your future happiness. stop loving in the past and force yourself to look forwards instead

First things, start dating. It has been long enough and you need to be distracted from your thoughts for sarah.

I would suggest that Online dating is a good start. Whether you meet up with anyone or not you can still enjoy chatting with single ladies and this will help you with your confidence I promise.

And then, dare i suggest, you could meet up with someone and possibly even enjoy sex . I was in an on-off relationship for three years and i was fixated on how perfectly matched we were sexually and how it could never be replicated. I have since found out that this was not the case.

It is so very easy to live in the past. we know the past and it is reassuring. but its not real, its gone, we have no control over it.

We do however have control over the future so good luck!!

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  • 3 weeks later...
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Cheshire, I relate too much to your post. I'm younger than you, I, too, gave my youth away- my prime reproductive years- to a married AP.

 

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I suppose it just goes to show that even if you think your life is 'unique', than no-one else can possibly have gone through the same as you, there is always someone with a similar experience who you can relate to.

 

I also am not where I should be with my life. I think people will understand in your situation, though, because you had set backs due to financial collapse. I'm also a non-trad student, & have been doing really well until, lately. I feel I am messing my life up all over again. I also feel old, as you do. But hey, at least you are on your way to a better job & a better education! That's great!

 

Oh no, I really hope you can find a way of getting back on track. I haven't been on here lately because I've had two of my exams in quick succession and had to work on those. I'm pleased to say I passed both and I have one more unit to get to before completing the current level of the qualification. There's another level to go after this, but I'm worried about my financial position, so I want to try and get a reasonable job with what I have. But even on its own terms, studying, especially amongst a group of younger (in my case, much younger) people and making a reasonable success of it is a tremendous confidence boost. It's worth working at, and can help distract your mind off pining for someone who's never coming back.

 

Thank you again though, your post has been a great comfort and I hope things work out for you! Have a lovely, peaceful Christmas! :)

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I would suggest that Online dating is a good start. Whether you meet up with anyone or not you can still enjoy chatting with single ladies and this will help you with your confidence I promise.

And then, dare i suggest, you could meet up with someone and possibly even enjoy sex . I was in an on-off relationship for three years and i was fixated on how perfectly matched we were sexually and how it could never be replicated. I have since found out that this was not the case.

It is so very easy to live in the past. we know the past and it is reassuring. but its not real, its gone, we have no control over it.

We do however have control over the future so good luck!!

 

That's reassuring. Because like I said, to have sex with the same person for a dozen years and it still to be as exciting as it had been the very first time... well, many married couples would do anything for that. So in a way I've been lucky to have had such a fulfilling sex life for a big part of my adult life, but the worry is that anything else will be just an anti-climax, as it were. :(

 

I may consider internet dating. Though I guess I worry about women 'playing the field' and being messed around. Which sounds odd given I've spent such a long time sharing someone, but at least I knew what the situation was. The whole internet dating thing is outside the remit of this part of the forum though, maybe I'll read about others experiences and post questions and thoughts there before I try it.

 

Thank you so much for your post though and have a lovely Christmas! :)

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Cheshire

 

Your past doesn't have to define your future. It was selfish of your exmw to keep the A going for so long, but sometimes what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

There are lots of single ladies out there that would love to meet a guy your age with no baggage, like kids or an ex wife.

 

Play this to your advantage. Get on dating sites, go out and try to meet new people. Don't get involved with someone unless you are over your exmw, as that wouldn't be fair to a new potential GF.

 

If people ask why you haven't married so far, you can simply say you haven't met MISS Right, which would be the truth. If your serious about wanting to move forward with your life as far as relationships go, look forward.

 

I really feel for you and the wasted years. I hope your story has the effect of a wake up call to others in your situation. Especially women, whose biological clock is ticking away, at least as a man you can still be seen as an eligible bachelor.

 

I wish you luck.

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Looking back, she had everything she wanted. A successful, wealthy husband; a lovely house in a posh area; two children she adored who wanted for nothing - private schooling no less, and university, neither of which I ever had the chance to have; yet when she needed an ego boost, she had a younger man she could come to who would tell her how wonderful she was, and give her better sex than she felt she was getting at home (this isn't showing off, this is what she said).

 

I think in the beginning, I was probably her antidote to a mid-life crisis. She was just about to become forty when she met me, so I guess to attract a 29-year old must have been something of an 'up-yours' to any thoughts of ageing.

 

To be fair though, she never made any promises to me at all. It was me who created this idea in my head that our connection was strong enough for her to want to settle with me when her youngest got to 18. It was never promised. At one stage, she even 'gave me permission' to look for someone else for when she couldn't be around, but I never did.

It was my own fault that I became so emotionally invested in her that I couldn't take steps with anyone else, and in the 13 years I did pass up on two possible opportunities with women my own age who were single and available. Anyway, I wouldn't have wanted to let S. go, so how could I start any kind of relationship with anyone else?.. 'oh, by the way, I sleep with one of my managers from work from time to time, I hope that's okay...' And casual sex was something I did in my early 20s, but never appealed to me after I met S.

 

One of the OP's earlier posts on this thread. I think he has done a rather remarkable job of taking ownership for his own choices. He has just given us a factual timeline of events and hasn't spoken hatefully or disrespectfully of his exMW. I'm not against giving out tough advice but haven't seen the things the prior poster accused him of.

 

 

Cheshire in our society you are still considered a young man. There are many available women in your age group and you can date a bit younger if you desire kids and a family. Don't get hung up on thinking you wasted the best years of your life. You still have a lot of life left.

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Cheshire

 

Your past doesn't have to define your future...There are lots of single ladies out there that would love to meet a guy your age with no baggage, like kids or an ex wife.

 

Absolutely. What you see as defects, some/many will see as positives. I, for one, have never dated guys with kids. I also have a strong preference for guys who have never been married. Once you get back on your feet, are able to see the good in yourself (not just your past mistakes), and have a little self-confidence, you'll do just fine!

 

If people ask why you haven't married so far, you can simply say you haven't met MISS Right, which would be the truth. If your serious about wanting to move forward with your life as far as relationships go, look forward.

This is a perfectly reasonable response before a first date or during a first date. Your other option would be to mention that you were in a long-term relationship that ended a couple of years ago. You haven't really dated since. Beyond that first date or two however, disclose when the topic comes up and it seems appropriate to share some/more detail. Relationships are built on openness, sharing what's meaningful to us, and honesty. You can't develop genuine intimacy or closeness in a relationship without these. It's a process. The more you get to know someone, the more you share assuming they appear trustworthy. You've already experienced what happens when you refuse to share and close yourself off to others. You had difficulty forming friendships. You pushed potential friends away, isolating yourself during the affair, all because you were afraid others might judge or reject you. Closing yourself off to questions about your life didn't work in forming a social circle of friends, and it definitely won't work in dating. You will have to change that dynamic. Your relationship played a huge role in your choices and your life. You'll have to learn to feel comfortable telling women who might share your life about this. Focus on what you've learned and how you've grown. If someone won't accept the real you with your flaws and past mistakes, then she was never right for you. Hiding who you are simply delays the inevitable.

 

You can't change the past. Just learn from it, figure out how you will behave differently in the future, forgive yourself for poor choices, and move forward with improving your life.

 

I do hope you find peace and happiness!

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I may consider internet dating. Though I guess I worry about women 'playing the field' and being messed around. Which sounds odd given I've spent such a long time sharing someone, but at least I knew what the situation was. The whole internet dating thing is outside the remit of this part of the forum though, maybe I'll read about others experiences and post questions and thoughts there before I try it.

 

I would be very careful about drawing conclusions about OLD from threads/rants on any internet forum. People don't post when they're happy generally. It's when they're struggling that people complain. What you get is a very skewed view of an available resource.

 

My advice: Have good boundaries, use common sense, and go into it with an open mind. You'll have your own experiences.

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Listen, for starters don't worry about what anyone else thinks.... Did you ever hear that phrase.. It's none of my business what others think of me... Well there you go.

Everyone has there own skeletons... I'm 45 also... I have a few myself and my dday was awhile ago and I didn't even want to leave my house. Everywhere I went I thought people were judging me,but then I realized ,who really cares anyway!!! I do Nything and they do there's...

It's not too late for you to meet someone and have kids if you still want. Sarah used you and what she did to you was truly selfish... You need to get out and meet people.. You can do this.....

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