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I have been beating myself about this for a while now and I need to let it out. I have been married for 7 years and together for 10 years. I love my husband I really do he’s great guy and treats me like a princess. Plus he’s such an amazing father. I couldn’t ask for anyone better.

 

I'm not sure why I am posting. I guess I just want to see what others have experienced during their affairs. A little background on me, I will be 30 this November and married my husband shortly before my 23 birthday. We just recently celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary. I have been seeing another man for about a year now. We met when we were both out with friends one night and there was an intense, immediate connection. He is married. He has a wife and two children with her. My husband and I have child, however. This man pursued me for a few months before we got together. Idk why I didn’t push him away when I had the chance I know that’s what I should have done. When we met we exchanged info. We stared texting and emailing each other like every day sometimes we would talk to each other over the phone. After a few months he stared showing up at my salon and he would bring me coffee we would talk for an half an hour. He slow stared wooing me and it worked. He’s kind of like a really BF I know that f***ed up since I am married. Idk we such an intense connection and the sex is amazing.

 

My husband is a good man but I fell out of love with him a little over a year ago. I told him this and we worked on some of our issues so we stayed together plus I do love him. I love him but I’m not in love with I know its sound so cliché but it’s the truth. I am still physically attracted to my husband. We have a pretty good sex life we have it almost every day. It’s kind of crazy since we never have had this kind active sex life before I stared cheating. So I think my hubbys happy. I still try to be a good wife.

 

I do feel guilty about the affair. I’m pretty sure this is not going to end well but I can’t stop seeing him tho. I don’t want my husband to find out. And honestly, Idk what I would if he did. My friend thinks I should end it before I get into deep maybe. I know she right I just can’t.

 

Please don’t me mean. I really need help. I don’t want to hurt anyone. Plus I already feel like sh*t for doing this to my hubby.

 

Any thoughts?

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The fact that you are posting here means you recognize there is a problem. That's a good step. You have to let go of the person you don't truly love. It sounds like your husband is good guy and you have everything you want from him. Let go of the affair in order to be able to make a good decision on your marriage.

 

Take responsibility for your actions. Make a decision. End the affair or end your marriage and commit to it. You don't want to give it up because you're unable to see that your actions are inherently selfish.

 

One things for sure. Don't leave for your affair partner. If you decide to quit on your marriage you do it for yourself.

 

You feel guilty because it's wrong. When you recognize what you're doing is intrinsically wrong and hurtful, you will gain clarity and insight on what to do. Will it be easy? Of course not.

 

But very often the right thing to do is often the most difficult thing. And it will hurt. You have to face the hurt dead on and take responsibility for your actions.

Edited by FusionCutter
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It would be a real shame to lose a "good man" who treats you like a "princess", who is an "amazing father"' for a romp and some stolen moments with another man, because that's where you're headed. The I love my husband, but I'm not in love with him, is cliche and it's bogus. You don't feel in love with him because all your attention and feeling good is wrapped up in someone else.

 

What is your end game? Do you want a divorce? Do you want to be with the other man? Do you want to blow up your family for a maybe, for a man who you know would cheat on you once he became bored with you?

 

Also, you're in danger of being found out, because people know. You've shared all this with a girlfriend, and girls (people) talk.

 

Your husband sounds like a keeper and where you should have all your focus. I'd be very afraid if I were you.

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You do not have to act on your emotions.

 

You are a mom, so you know this. We teach our kids they can't throw themselves on the floor in a fit when they don't get what they want. They can't hit a kid just because they're mad. They can't throw their food on the floor just because they don't like what's for dinner.

 

So even toddlers learn that they can't act on some of their emotions.

 

You feel attracted to this guy. You have an emotional connection to him. But the presence of these feelings does not mean you must act on them.

 

Your lack of control, the "I can't stop seeing him" is immature, but not uncontrollable.

 

You have so much at risk. Your intact family is on the line. Your actions could rob your kid of having a great dad live in the same house. Your lack of control could make divorce be part of your child's history. All for a guy that is a cheater and probably won't ever leave his wife.

 

I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just worried for your family. You are making choices that could result in the destruction of your family, and change the course of your child's life. Do you think it's worth that?

 

Think of everything you'd do for your child. You'd run in a burning building to save them. You'd jump in the path of a car if they ran in the street. You'd take a bullet.

 

So in the grand scheme of things, is staying away from your MM that hard, if you take your head out of the clouds and think about the real consequences?

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That's the way marriages go. You have a deep bond and a good life with your husband. You are just over the wild attraction you felt for him in the beginning.

It doesnt mean you don't love him.

 

Being "in love" just doesn't last forever. What you have is far more valuable.

Dont throw it away on a fling with a stranger.

 

you sound like a very fortunate girl. How many of us wish we had somebody who would treat us like a princess????

 

Affairs have huge repercussions and can far lasting consequences for your children and of course your parents and friends.

 

All the best,

Poppy

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I get what most of you are saying I know my husband a great guy but he doesn't get like the other guy does anymore. We lost it and idt we can get back. We tried it for awhile and nothin happened.

 

Hubby ever find out. I'm so carful and my friend wouldn't ever tell him anything.

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So you fell "out of love" with your husband during the same time you were starting up with the OM? Then you tried to "work on it" while you were still sleeping with the other man?

 

You don't see the conflict there?

 

Now go ahead and convince us that your issues started before you got involved with the other man. But remember you talking to people who have already been there.

 

I promise you, your not out of love with you husband. Instead you are simply more interested in the man your investing your emotional enegry in. Trust me when I say this, your going to ruin your marriage, and the odds that your doing with a man who sees you as nothing more then a good time on the side is really high. When the poop hits the fan you will be left standing alone. OM will gladly turn you into a speed bump for that run-a_way bus. Your husband will most likely leave.

 

Also ask the hundreds of us married women that got involved in affairs if we thought we would get caught or that some wouldn't say anything.

 

Now if your anything like most of us, the messages here will fall on deaf ears. You are right now thinking, "my situation is different, my om is different" or "no way I will get caught". If you stopped the affair and went NC with OM you may not get caught. But you wont , so you will get caught and time is ticking.

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I just want to add that women who are good wives, do not sleep with another man and then have sex with their husband.

 

I think you are trying to calm your conscience.

 

Please reflect on what we have all tried to tell you. Most of us on this board have probably been where you are right now. We try to support each other because we do understand.

 

Cheers,

Poppy

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I get what most of you are saying I know my husband a great guy but he doesn't get like the other guy does anymore. We lost it and idt we can get back. We tried it for awhile and nothin happened.

 

Hubby ever find out. I'm so carful and my friend wouldn't ever tell him anything.

 

I've been married close to 20 years now, and I can assure you, the 'in love" feeling comes and goes, often when you least expect it. You can't force it, it just happens, so long as you are open to it and haven't convinced yourself that it can't happen.

 

As for the true love, that is the rock that will get your through the hardest times in your lives. No amount of 'butterflies' or "in love" can replace that. Those are fine, but wihtout the deeper love, they are hollow.

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I know the way I wrote it out makes it seem like my other guy is the cause of our problems but we already had problems. My other guy made them known to us. He helped realize how bad things had gotten between us.

 

I'm not dumb if my hubby find he will be upset and angry if finds out I'm pretty sure he won't. I know doing is the opposite of wut a good wife is but my hubby is Happy with the way things are right now he still having needs meet. It's not like I completely ignoring him I still try to meets his needs the best I can.

 

Maybe ignorance really is bliss. Is it really that's bad if everyone's happy.

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I know the way I wrote it out makes it seem like my other guy is the cause of our problems but we already had problems. My other guy made them known to us. He helped realize how bad things had gotten between us.

 

I'm not dumb if my hubby find he will be upset and angry if finds out I'm pretty sure he won't. I know doing is the opposite of wut a good wife is but my hubby is Happy with the way things are right now he still having needs meet. It's not like I completely ignoring him I still try to meets his needs the best I can.

 

Maybe ignorance really is bliss. Is it really that's bad if everyone's happy.

 

Just, WOW I got nothing.

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I know the way I wrote it out makes it seem like my other guy is the cause of our problems but we already had problems. My other guy made them known to us. He helped realize how bad things had gotten between us.

 

I'm not dumb if my hubby find he will be upset and angry if finds out I'm pretty sure he won't. I know doing is the opposite of wut a good wife is but my hubby is Happy with the way things are right now he still having needs meet. It's not like I completely ignoring him I still try to meets his needs the best I can.

 

Maybe ignorance really is bliss. Is it really that's bad if everyone's happy.

How is your husband happy if things are so bad between you? Did your other guy help YOU see your issues? Yes, it is bad, your husband who treats you so well has no idea you're stabbing him in the back. Why not just free him?

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How is your husband happy if things are so bad between you? Did your other guy help YOU see your issues? Yes, it is bad, your husband who treats you so well has no idea you're stabbing him in the back. Why not just free him?

 

She is clearly running on emotions, doesn't sound like much reason and logic in what she is saying.

 

He treats me well, its horrible, my OM pointed out how horrible it was, hubby is happy. It is all over the place and she is working really hard to justify what she is doing.

 

She won't leave because somewhere in there she know she has no future with MOM. So hubby is now her safety net backup plan.

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I know the way I wrote it out makes it seem like my other guy is the cause of our problems but we already had problems. My other guy made them known to us. He helped realize how bad things had gotten between us.

 

I'm not dumb if my hubby find he will be upset and angry if finds out I'm pretty sure he won't. I know doing is the opposite of wut a good wife is but my hubby is Happy with the way things are right now he still having needs meet. It's not like I completely ignoring him I still try to meets his needs the best I can.

 

Maybe ignorance really is bliss. Is it really that's bad if everyone's happy.

 

Do you view yourself as a bad person? You need to see that your actions are harmful to everyone involved. Quite frankly, you are living in a web of lies and you are causing your husband great harm in that you are making him live a lie. Do you see this? Try to see it for what it is.

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Hi, just to keep presenting this banner to you; Please consider again to disclose this situation to your husband.

 

Yes there are many disadvantages of doing so, but if stopping the affair is what you want, then this is one approach that can increase that chance. On the contrary, hiding it will only increase the chance of you continuing the affair again, and again, as you yourself know it.

 

Does absolutely ending the affair more important, or keeping your husband comfort life is more important? So contemplate your decision properly, both are risky so choose which one is more valuable to you.

 

If you do it right, and if your husband is amazing, then disclosing can also eventually help you address the prior problems in the marriage.

 

Lastly, before anything, I'm not a bitter or jaded betrayed spouse, I just read of others experience here. Many have made it successfully through different paths, but if you look carefully, you can still discern the general patterns.

 

Be patient, good luck.

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Gently...you don't want advice and in the frame of mind you're in right now, any good advice would be in vain.

 

I get the feeling you know you're on a run away train. I get the feeling you understand that the only way out of this overwhelming feeling is to let what happens happen. You know that there is a train wreck in the future.

 

You've given up your future to fate. Deep down inside you know that the fate in your near future will be devastating.

 

By saying that "ignorance is bliss", is what's comfortable to you and you really don't care about the consequences. In essence you really don't care about the well being of your own children and the father of your children. The feel good feelings you get from the married man who also has children and wife are irrelevant. You're willing to blow up two families because "ignorance is bliss".

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My hubby is a great guy trust me I know he is idt he's the right one for anymore. Things between us aren't the same as they used 2b. The passion, fire and the spark it's gone and I can't seem to get it back. It's not all bad we work will together and I think the both of us make good parents and at one point we did share the same kind of dreams.

 

Sometimes I do feel as if I am a bad person for doing this to him cause really doesn't deserve it one bit. Maybe I am a bad person.

 

I thought about ending a few times but deep down I really don't want too. I feel alive when am around this other guy it's like I can't breathe. It's such an amazing feeling I can't describe it in worlds.

 

All you guys probably think I'm stupid, I know some of this stuff doesn't make but in my head it does. Idk anymore I never I wanted to hurt anyone but I wanna be happy don't I at least deserve that. God I'm so confused.

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My hubby is a great guy trust me I know he is idt he's the right one for anymore. Things between us aren't the same as they used 2b. The passion, fire and the spark it's gone and I can't seem to get it back. It's not all bad we work will together and I think the both of us make good parents and at one point we did share the same kind of dreams.

That happens, life gets in the way. Did you ever tell him how you felt? Try to reconnect, go on date nights, do counseling? Talk it out, see if maybe he felt the same way, marriage got stale? Marriage is work, you don't just have a good marriage without any effort.

 

How old are your kids? Don't you feel that because of your kids your marriage and husband is worth fighting for? This man you have a history with, he knows you. The life you built with him, families entwined, friends, neighbours etc..etc.. Is what you have worth throwing it away for a hot fling/affair?

 

Sometimes I do feel as if I am a bad person for doing this to him cause really doesn't deserve it one bit. Maybe I am a bad person.

 

If your husband did this to you, betrayed you in the worst way and cheated/had an affair, would you think he's a good and kind person?

 

You've made some really bad and selfish choices, instead of fixing your marriage or divorcing, you've chosen a very painful pathway and when your H finds out (and he will, he probably suspects but trusts you so much, is ignoring red flags, and figures it's something else) he is going to be devastated.

I thought about ending a few times but deep down I really don't want too. I feel alive when am around this other guy it's like I can't breathe. It's such an amazing feeling I can't describe it in worlds.

 

Divorce your husband so he can find someone else. It's really cruel and unfair to have your cake and eat it too.

 

You think you're 'in love' but you're addicted to how MM makes you feel. He's like a drug. Many OW and OM experience exactly what you're feeling. But, that ain't love, it's unhealthy and damaging.

All you guys probably think I'm stupid, I know some of this stuff doesn't make but in my head it does. Idk anymore I never I wanted to hurt anyone but I wanna be happy don't I at least deserve that. God I'm so confused.

 

No you're not stupid, you're just making stupid choices.

 

But you are hurting your husband and your kids. You're doing something that could very well turn their little innocent lives upside down and tear their safe household apart.

 

Yes you deserve happiness, just like your husband does too. Why is it OK for you to go be selfish and get happy outside of your marriage? Why not just divorce, have shared custody and then you can do as you please and your H can find love with someone else who won't cheat on him.

 

Sorry that my words are harsh, I'm trying to get you to take a step back and really THINK about what it is you're doing and look at this from other angles, unselfish angles, your kids and your H's point of view.

 

Get counseling and sort yourself out.

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Angelita. Every poster in this thread cares about you. Why would they spend the time to write out such detailed responses? Every post so far has been really good knowledge.

 

I believe you are a good person who has made some stupid choices. You are here for a reason. To get help. You want to show you are a good person? End this affair. You want to prove to the world you want to continue to be selfish? Continue, or heck. Find another affair partner.

 

Once you wake up and see you are cruelly hurting your husband in the worst way possible, the clarity will be there. Maybe your MM wants to continue, but do you really want to? You said you were feeling guilty. This says to me that you are human. That you feel emotion. You feel bad. You know it's wrong. How do you wrong this right? You stop. Does your life partner really deserve this?

 

Think of all these messages in this thread like an intervention.

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Angelita- my two cents.

 

 

1. You said you have problems, the passion is gone in your marriage etc., but that you still enjoy a good sex life and chemistry with your husband, who is a great father. I think the battle is half-won, it seems like you relate to your husband in a good way, you guys are a good match, he treats you like a princess (your own admission), etc.

 

2. What I'm about to say might be controversial and it might be seen as harsh or even insulting (although this is not my intention), but I think your problems stem from the fact that you guys got married very young, became parents at a young age, and basically 'lived it all' before even turning 30. It's a natural outcome, as when people are young, marriage, kids, bills, obligations, these things aren't exactly what they imagined after the vows. Conversely, one or both spouses have higher chances of 'getting bored' and having things 'get lost' along the way between them.

 

3. However, it's not like you can invent the time machine and change anything. If you have a good physical chemistry with your husband, who treats you so well and is so dedicated to his family, why don't you appreciate this? Just like a previous post mentioned, how many of us wouldn't give anything to have a partner like this! Why don't you think about your poor husband, his life and his feelings, his dedication to you and his family? Any woman would be honored to have a partner like him, particularly since he's young and went through the same things as you did yet remained there for you and his family. Please think about this, not necessarily with guilt but try to objectively assess the situation.

 

4. Just because the other guy can make you feel better sexually, there's physical stuff between you two, etc. doesn't mean he is a better person than your husband. Any man can pull it out and perform wonders, particularly when there's novelty involved. Just like you find him special because he's just someone new, he most probably feels the same. He is also married, with children, do you seriously think he'd ever leave his wife because you two have good sex?

 

5. I think your mistake is in focusing on the negative aspects of your marriage and saying 'things are bad' when you aren't really doing anything to fix them. Why don't you focus 100% on your husband and your family and put everything in? Perhaps things would be better this way...try to reignite the spark, take the kids to your parents/ get a babysitter and go on dates, take a mini-trip if you can, spend some time with your husband instead of with this guy......

 

6. I feel very bad whenever I hear about good men being taken for granted by the women they treat like princesses (my ex-MM's case, by the way). Men are biologically wired to be more sexual and prone to 'stepping out', while women are supposed to be more loyal, dedicated, etc. Why do you do this when you could easily fix things with your husband, since you guys are still young, it's not like you're 45 and it's too late as there's nothing else to do?

 

7. One more thing.

 

I saw that many comments suggested you should divorce. I think it would be a huge mistake as you'd affect your young children, a husband who treats you well and loves you, a home, for a man who you don't even know would ever consider leaving his family.

 

I am very surprised to see such 'kind' advice, particularly from women. About a year ago I posted something about staying in a marriage v. leaving it, and 90% of the responses were extremely judgmental- most women answering said that fighting for one's marriage was a duty, a right, something one must do before throwing in the towel, etc. These were women whose husbands had cheated on them, they had found out, yet they thought it was perfectly normal to give their marriages second chances and work things out. Nothing wrong with that, but then why are women telling another woman to divorce her husband, when, had it been their case, they'd fight tooth and nail for their marriage?

 

This is seriously wrong, to tell someone 'divorce, leave your husband, he deserves better,'. I have yet to see a single comment, either to OWs or cheating MMs on this forum, saying 'yea, your MM should totally divorce his wife, as he's clearly not in love with her, she deserves better' or 'yea man, dump your wife and marry the mistress, what are you waiting for'.

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...Idk anymore I never I wanted to hurt anyone but I wanna be happy don't I at least deserve that. God I'm so confused.

 

 

While I agree you "deserve" to be happy, I cannot for the life of me see why you "deserve" to be happy at the expense of your own and his spouse and family. This really does smack of a completely unrealistic, unreasonable and excessive sense of self-entitlement. At least that's how it looks from the outside.

 

 

Perhaps you could usefully spend some time considering why you think this way and what sort of a person this makes you.

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I have tried to tell him how I feel many times and he doesn't get it or doesn't want to get it n I have tried too it's not like I haven't. He never seems interested in doing anything together anymore it always as to be with our daughter around. It's not to I dislike having my daughter cause I don't. She my world n I would do anything for her but sometimes I want it just 2b us. I want us to go out dancing, I want us to do crazy things like we used 2.

 

It's different with my BF he always seems to be down for whatever. We obviously can't do everything we like to do cause we are still married but when we do its amazing.

 

Idk I feel people blow up this whole divorce thing up I know it's not good people but Idt it's as bad people think it is but your I don't want to put my daughter through that she super close and loves her dad.

 

I know I should end things like yesterday but I can't help the way I feel about my BF. The feelings I have and the feelings I get when I am around are insane I don't really wanna give that up but Idt I want a divorce either idk what I want anymore. This was never supposed to happen to us. I'm so confused. I really want everyone 2b happy.

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I hate to say it, but you're a parent now, and comparing thr relaitonship where you ahve to be responsible and put your chilfren's needs first to one where you have zero responsibilities is bth unrealistic and unfair.

 

I would also ask you to consider this. You say you don't wnat to divorce ,you love your daughter, on some level you still love your husband, you like you life witht hem ( even though it's not "excititng").

 

What do you think would hapen if your hsuabnd found out that you were cheating? What outcome would that have?

 

Whatver negative outcome that may be, that's what you are risking. You are risking your child's happiness and home, your husband and even you'r own well being for some thrills.

 

Is it worth it?

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What my husband might if he ever found out idk it's not something I really wanna think about. Know one really knows how he would react that's up in the air. I can't control what he would do if he ever found what I can do is make sure he never finds out. I'm pretty sure he won't ever find out.

 

Yea we are parents but that shouldn't mean we can't go out and have fun together. I'm not saying we have to go out everyday or once a week maybe once or twice a month would be fine with me. I want him to see not just as mother but women that's his wife.

 

Days like of course it doesn't feel worth it but when I'm with BF it does. I do love my husband but more like a best friend or a brother. So I guess it's worth it for now anyway.

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I think that's the common point about affairs: "I know I shouldn't, but I don't want to stop". The rest is just cover up to justify having your cake and eat it too.

 

I believe it's a "whatever happens" kind of deal indeed.

 

I also think people aren't perfect, but we do have a tendency to ignore tomorrow, and live in the now - when it comes to feelings.

 

What you do is up to you, but I'd probably address the marriage first, and then decide of your next step.

 

I feel that when you're not honest with your husband, you're taking away his choice to live with you. He has the right to decide about the life he wants, considering that you're having an affair.

 

Again, I realize nobody's perfect.

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