msweet Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 I am 23 and have been the OW for 3 years now. When I met him he was engaged to a a friend of a friend and while I immediately fell for him knew nothing could come of it. A year later the two broke up and though I didn't plan on it I got drunk and slept with him. He got back together with his fiancee shortly after and yet continued to see me. I fought for a good while but his persistence won me over and before I knew it I had fallen in love with him. We continued to see each other over the past few years whenever we could. He's said he loves me but that he hopes I understand our arrangement is all we'll ever have and he will never leave his fiancee ( whose dad he works for and who pays for their apartment). I am still seeing him and that friend of a friend has slowly over time become closer to me, she would consider me a friend. Recently she came to know of our indiscretions and has decided to forgive him and remain with him and wants us to remain polite as well. The issue is I cant quit him. I'm too far in and now I hate myself and everyone who knows considers me a selfish horrible person. Link to post Share on other sites
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 Don't hate yourself... he played you! He is not married, yet will not break up... WTF! Obviously he is using you. Wake up and be mad that he has done to you. As what I see about it is he has two woman for the price of one and is putting you second from the get go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 (edited) I am 23 and have been the OW for 3 years now. When I met him he was engaged to a a friend of a friend and while I immediately fell for him knew nothing could come of it. A year later the two broke up and though I didn't plan on it I got drunk and slept with him. He got back together with his fiancee shortly after and yet continued to see me. I fought for a good while but his persistence won me over and before I knew it I had fallen in love with him. We continued to see each other over the past few years whenever we could. He's said he loves me but that he hopes I understand our arrangement is all we'll ever have and he will never leave his fiancee ( whose dad he works for and who pays for their apartment). I am still seeing him and that friend of a friend has slowly over time become closer to me, she would consider me a friend. Recently she came to know of our indiscretions and has decided to forgive him and remain with him and wants us to remain polite as well. The issue is I cant quit him. I'm too far in and now I hate myself and everyone who knows considers me a selfish horrible person. msweet. I think you should address your thread as "How do I start loving myself?" You start loving yourself by honouring yourself. You gotta realize that you're engaging in self-defeating behavior. Honor yourself and respect yourself that you know you deserve a whole relationship. You do have power over yourself. If you wanted out badly enough, you would be out. No excuses. What's keeping you in? You say you love the guy? If he loved you back he would be with you, no excuses. Don't be the OW any longer. You deserve better and you're 23. You have a whole life ahead of you. After 3 years how can you not be tired of it? When will you be sick of it? 5 years? 7 years? etc. You start stop hating yourself when you start loving yourself. How you start loving yourself is by self-respecting yourself to know that you deserve better. Then all will be clear on what you need to do. Stop torturing and struggling. Stop fighting. Just let it be. Love yourself more than anyone else in this world. Not him. You can detach yourself from the situation if you stop struggling. Edited October 23, 2014 by FusionCutter Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 If he truly loved you, he'd end his engagement and be with you. He hasn't. More than likely because he works for her dad and he pays for the apartment they are living in. He's totally taking advantage and I'm sure if her father knew, the guy would be out on his ass. He is using you, even though he may care deeply for you, it's not enough to give up what he has. You deserve better than to be second fiddle. 3 years is a long time wasted on someone who has no intention of building a life with you! Don't you want children of your own? A house, a life with a guy? If you stay with him in this affair and as the OW, you're settling and missing out in life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lernaean_Hydra Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 I'm not going to call him scum or tell you you deserve better because that's all lip service. The fact that you say you "hate yourself" tells me that you are fully aware that this behavior is beneath you. Start there. You're only digging a deeper hole for yourself by continuing to entertain this man. So why do you do it? He doesn't love you - at least not in the way normal, healthy adults should love - and he isn't leaving his fiancee. This woman is going to be his wife. He's clearly demonstrated that you are neither his priority or his primary desire. You can only START to not hate yourself when you STOP acting like you're helpless and incapable of cutting him off entirely. The only reason you hate yourself right now is because you're still in it. His fiancee found out about the two of you, yet reconciled with him and still wants to be civil toward you. Why would you allow yourself to be complicit in the further abuse of her trust like this? You say you're "too far in" and "can't stop" but what does that even mean? How are you too far into something that isn't going anywhere? At this point, your relationship with him is like quicksand, the longer you stay in this mess the deeper you'll sink and the worse things are going to get for you. There is absolutely zero upside to staying with him. Do you really want to hang on to this guy until he decides he's tired of you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 Ten characters Link to post Share on other sites
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