I've Stopped Being the OW-finally

[Justme19]

I have lurked here for a while and have to say that many many posts and replies have helped me on my journey. It hasn't been easy. I feel like I want to share my experience- because I think it ended in a way many don't talk about. This may be lengthy-

Two years ago I got a D and within about a week I found a partner at work. Our paths crossed because our departments were dependent on each others and we had to talk frequently. Flirting led to disclosure of my D and then our new friendship led to agreeing to a FWB situation. We had a very PA from the start. He is a MM with 4 kids (2 still home)and was lonely for contact and I was D and lonely. I was alone throughout the separation until the D. Eyes wide open and we had an agreement that there would be no strings attached. I am sure you can see how things went from there. After a few short weeks we went on a 3 day trip and during that time he said he loved me. I didn't say it back for a few reasons- 1. We agreed it was just a FWB arrangement, 2. He was married and 3. It seemed awfully fast to be using the L word despite I was already falling for him emotionally. Lots of emails, texts and calls and then D day happened about 3 months in. She found out and he went through hell trying to keep things together. It was never my intent to make us more so we agreed to be discreet and found ways to continue even though he was making things "right" at home. (I am prepared for BS's harsh replies to this as I know it seems incredibly callous on my part) He constantly said he loved me and knew we were perfect for each other. Said he wanted a future with me and needed to make me his wife. I fell for it - hook, line and sinker and succumbed to giving him my heart.

A year in and he said he was ready to move out. Said he had clothes packed in his truck and his personal items ready to load and move. The day he was to show up- he never called, showed up or took one step forward. Mind you- I never asked him to do anything. I was thrilled though that he and I were going to be together. This was all his doing and I just trusted his "words". The weekend passed and I gave him hell for not even showing up to simply say "I can't do it". I was hurt. That was the first time I told him this was not healthy. He was truly torn and admitted he choked and just couldn't leave. He said he didn't know if it was his kids, his concern for his W being able to be on her own, his religion, his upbringing, you name it. He was a mess. I said all I needed was for him to be honest. Off and on this past year, he constantly battled with saying he knew being with me is where he wanted to be but he couldn't hurt so many people in his wake if he left. After many times of me saying we just needed to end things as we took it to a level neither of us could handle, me saying it was too hard to wait for him as he said he wanted to be here with me,and me actually dating others (he knew as I told him I couldn't stay home alone every weekend) I just could never end it. He would always reach out and I would always get sucked back in. He is so charming, so handsome, he met my friends and even my male friends said they knew he loved me, no doubt. I never thought otherwise- but to be told time again we would be more and yet nothing ever happening took its toll. I tried to go NC several times. He took a new job at work which was a huge promotion. He travels a ton now and our interactions became more infrequent. It helped with me separating myself from the idea of Us and yet it was still hard to do. Well- I have to say that we have talked many times and our PA was nothing less than off the charts, however, despite struggling off and on the last year, I finally walked away. We had NC for 3 weeks and then he reached out. It's tough running into him at work just going to fill my water bottle or seeing him in a meeting. He asked for some time. I agreed. Although I still love him dearly- I told him I would email him.

I sent him an email saying that I thought since we had no direction it made no sense for us to try to keep anything going. I added that since WE entered into this together that WE should agree on how we would end it. I told him I needed him to be more honest with me than he has ever been. That I wanted him to be as much into ending things as I was, or that we would agree to make a plan to move forward together. ( I knew by now he would never be able to take one step out of his home) It was important to me to have him agree that he was never going to do anything. I hated the feeling that I had to be the one to say "you won't ever do anything so we are done." I needed him to admit it to himself and to me so that we could finally end things without any future reaching out. I felt we both needed to say we were done.

He came over and we had a great few hours together. He was my friend, my lover and we both had this idea of a future together. We both love each other. I couldn't see ending it in a mean or controversial way. We talked and for the first time in 2 years he finally said- I just can't do it. It is all I wanted from him. I said then there is no point in us continuing. Our initial agreement turned into far more than that and there is no way to go back to that. When he left- it was sad in its own way but also very freeing. We are done and we both agree it is the best for all involved. I don't think he will reach out any more and I won't hang onto the hope that he might one day actually leave. It was my closure so to speak. Anyhow- my point is that even though things didn't work out, they actually did. It is and has been painful but really- I had an experience in the last 2 years I'll never forget and never have again. I still love him- like him - and respect him now that he actually said out loud - to himself and to me- that he isn't going anywhere. I am also kinda fried that it took this long to get here. We left each other in agreement, no animosity and nope- I have no aspirations of "just being friends". He will be someone at some point that I'll say "He is someone I used to know." All in all though, being an OW was not something I have ever been, nor will ever be again. The highs were beyond high and the lows beyond low. For anyone struggling- take accountability for your part, and take the high road. It feels so good.

[adna89]

I liked this story.So leave it from now on,try to date,move on.If he has any respect towards you he will not contact you anymore

[Poppy47]

You have seen the affair for what it was.

 

It's time for you to move back into the real world . It feels fantastic, doesn't it?

 

Poppy

[bathtub-row]

I think you made the right decision and, once the pain stops, you'll feel even better. As you say, very high highs, very low lows. I would never go back to that situation again, either. Just one thing, do not be surprised if he contacts you again. Even if he doesn't, you need to prepare yourself for that because it's likely to happen.

[Be_Strong]

How long have you've been NC now? I don't mean to rain on your parade, but it may be a little premature to declare that the story is over.

 

Also, is his wife just completely in the dark about the affair continuing after D-Day or does she just not care?

[Justme19]

Yes Poppy- I feel great. I am glad I found where I needed to be and the road to get there. I have no doubt we will see each other at work. I am okay with that. Finally.

 

If he tries to contact me, I am prepared for that as well. Previously, I wanted to be out but wasn't ready and couldn't deal with the contact. I think when you hit a certain point though, you just know. I am there. No more tears, just a little tug that things could've been different but it didn't work out that way. Acceptance is a tough thing. I found my acceptance and the process of wrapping my head around that took about 6 months.

 

Having read so many stories and replies here- I agree that NC is the only way to go. I do believe you have to have had enough and be steadfast in where you want in order to deal. It's hard.

 

Be Strong- As far as the wife. I don't know. I only know what he said- she is always watching his cell phone calls and texts, questions him when he has golf or late dinner work related stuff. I personally think he made things right at home and she has no clue. She also (according to him) said D was not an option. So maybe she knew and didn't care. Either way- at this point- it doesn't matter. As far as if the story is over- it is. Just wanted to share that it ended amicably - and in my opinion - completely. We both agreed on that. I have to believe he will stick to that at this point.

[hello234]

JustMe19---

 

 

Were you very sad initially during the first few weeks of NC? I feel anxiety, I feel depressed, I wake up every morning knowing I wont see his GM texts..it brings me to tears...not sure how to cope? Should I just think of all the negatives that could have been HAD I continued the affair? (ie, him still going back to his wife after having his 'fun' with me etc)

 

and also, I am so obsessed with his wife wanting to realize that I am the one who left HIS contact (she thinks of it as a friendly thing). ugh..i donno why I feel this way. did u ever think like that or did not care what his wife thought (ie, if he dumped u or whatever)

[Justme19]

hello234- I was sad off and on for a long time. The NC happened when I finally decided that this just wasn't working for me. It was hard - I missed the GM texts, the weekend check-ins and calls, the impromptu meet ups. I can say this- it wouldn't be hard if I didn't love him. It wouldn't be hard if the good times weren't so good. It wouldn't have been so hard if I wasn't so trusting in his words. Eventually though- you open your eyes, look in the mirror and ask yourself if this is really what you want. I chose to be honest with myself. Going NC sometimes happens in phases. I failed several times.

 

His wife is his issue. He came into your life. He implanted his desires and wishes and wants despite her. You knew his situation and that she was very much a part of his life. After all was said and done on my end- I can't begin to try and figure out what was really going on as there is no way to really know. Why go there? Focus on you.

 

Ask yourself this- Is this something you think makes you a loser or a winner? I was very fortunate in that a very close friend of mine asked me if I was still in this hell because I wanted to win. I thought long and hard about that. It was never about "winning". I didn't want to take anyone away. I didn't feel like it was my business how they ended or stayed. I thought he was honest when he said he wanted me, he needed me, would make me his, that the love we discovered was unexpected, etc etc. So no- to me it wasn't about winning, therefore, it didn't matter if she knew I ended it or if he did. I just had to end it. If he can save his marriage- so be it. Why would I wish otherwise? He couldn't make Us happen so I need to move on. If he made it seem like he made that happen I don't care.

 

I read a book that has allowed me to rethink the directions of my thoughts. I may have gotten it off of reading here. But basically it says- if you wonder if he thinks about you? If you wonder if he misses you? What he is doing? If they are happy? Simply raise your hand and use that stop position or just say out loud if you need to "What does it matter?" A simple simple thing yes- but powerful. What does it matter?

 

It doesn't. Live your life. Make your life happen and don't rely on him to make you someone. You and you alone will have to dive into hell, and emerge stronger and better for choosing that route. I am emerging now. I wish you all the best in your journey. But leave the thoughts of him and anything to do with him (including who is in life) behind. It doesn't matter.