Finding the courage

[Nattie]

I haven't been posting much lately, haven't had a lot of free time, and wrapped up in life in general, but here's a brief history..

 

I'm married with two kids. It's not a bad marriage, but it's not what it should be either. We're great friends. I settled down way too young, and with someone I liked, but never "loved", and by that I mean the spark wasn't there, even in the beginning. I love him in a best friend sense, but I digress. A few years ago I began an affair with my (at the time) boss. We had amazing chemistry from the start, and despite insisting that it was nothing beyond physical, it ended up being anything but. Everything came in baby steps. We built a friendship, and then things slowly progressed. We didn't sleep together for a very long time, but still did everything in our power to keep it from going beyond casual. He eventually started to break down, and one day told me he loved me. Obviously I had strong feelings for him, but was not going to pursue it further. I figured, we both have kids, and we have to stay where we are for them. Leaving our spouses wasn't an option.

 

Fast forward many months, and I'm now trying to figure out just how to go about this. I can honestly say that I love this man, far beyond what I had ever expected, or thought possible. It's been years, we are not caught in an affair fog. We've been with each other through good and bad, family issues, health crisis, financial issues arguments and stupid fights. Nothing breaks us. We have had a few very near DDays, and both times he's remained firm in our relationship. He has come very close to telling his wife, but I begged him not to. I know it sounds horrible and selfish of me to want to line this up, and have everything ready before we do this, but there are kids in the picture. I want us to be able to leave on the most peaceful of terms possible, and get our own places. The kids will not be brought into it, mine will not meet him for a considerable period of time and vice versa.

 

We know that we love each other, we know that we want to be together. My question is, for those of you who did take the plunge, how did you go about it? How did you line everything up, and get the courage to make the move? I will admit I'm very scared. I'm not happy with my husband, but it's all I've ever known. I think after initial shock and heartache, my H will let me go, and remain friends to coparent our children as best we can. It's just the kind of people we are. It wouldn't be dramatic or spiteful in any way. We've discussed divorce in the past, and would be in total agreement as far as custody goes etc. His wife will not make it easy on him whatsoever, but he's ready for this.

 

I don't need direct insults, or degrading comments. I've been beating myself up enough for the past five months. I am looking for genuine advice. We want to make this as easy as possible (sounds awful, I know) for everyone involved. We're good people, responsible, loving parents... We just, are in love and want to be happy. The way we met and began this relationship is less than favorable, but it doesn't change the way we feel about each other.

 

Thanks for any input.

[MuddyRock]

Sounds like you are gonna do something you will regret. Your marriage sounds pretty good and like you are rewriting history. True mature love isn't about sparks. It's about exactly how you described it. Your going to blow up your kids world and 50% of your time with them to chase sparks.

I also would be suspicious of your married man's intentions. Mm rarely leave the marriage. He has already laid the groundwork for backing out by telling yo uh the wife won't make it easy on him.

[Redheaded Mistress]

We know that we love each other, we know that we want to be together. My question is, for those of you who did take the plunge, how did you go about it? How did you line everything up, and get the courage to make the move? I will admit I'm very scared. I'm not happy with my husband, but it's all I've ever known. I think after initial shock and heartache, my H will let me go, and remain friends to coparent our children as best we can. It's just the kind of people we are. It wouldn't be dramatic or spiteful in any way. We've discussed divorce in the past, and would be in total agreement as far as custody goes etc.

 

I know this sounds absolutely terrible, but I can't remember exactly when or how I made that decision to go. I think my decision may have been so gradual that I can't track any one key, defining moment where one minute I was staying and the next minute I had decided to go.

 

I do remember that period of time between when I had realized it was over but hadn't found the guts to tell him... It wasn't a great time. It was honestly harder than keeping the affair secret and I fully admit, I was a huge coward and waited longer than I should have to tell him. I remember after I'd turned that corner and said to myself "this is ending." I think he felt it too, so he was pushing so hard to try and figure out what was wrong and how to fix it... Not so much because he was invested in the marriage, but because it just felt like it's what we should do. I remember we went out and had lunch and were going to go to a movie and the realization "this is the last time we'll do this" hit me. I was so bothered by it all that I had two margaritas (which in the world of the Redheaded Mistress is equivalent to a college kid's weekend bender) and cried my way through the movie. The marriage had been long over, for both of us actually, but the realization of what was going to happen (which I was also certain would be amicable, and it was) just rattled me.

 

It wasn't long after that where I came home from work, and said "this isn't working" and left. Beforehand, I'd lined up a hotel to stay at for the weekend somewhere about an hour away and my AP met me at a gas station and we went. I cried the whole way from my house to the gas station. It was so hard to deliver that news. My big regret was and is that I feel like I didn't say what I should have in a way I'd have wanted to... I wasn't mean and nobody said anything nasty... But I was so nervous I just kind of blurted a rambling declaration and left. I feel like my ex deserved better. He was and is a great guy, we were just so mismatched and unhappy and neither one of us had it in us to hurt the other to leave until I had the affair. And I didn't tell him about the affair then, I just left. Another huge mistake born out of me being a total coward.

 

Beyond the hotel, I had no other real exit plan. Just getting out.

 

The important thing to say here is that I left not for my AP, but because the marriage was over. Neither one of us were happy and while the affair expedited the inevitable (we'd have probably operated in a marital void for years), I wasn't leaving one for the other. I was leaving one to go on my own and make a legitimate start in dating my AP.

 

His wife will not make it easy on him whatsoever, but he's ready for this.

 

Which leads me to part two of my story... My AP had told his wife it was over maybe a week or two earlier and she knew about the affair. But he was leaving her for me... Despite being unhappy and in an abusive relationship, he didn't ever leave for real (he'd tried leaving her before our affair... It didn't stick) and wouldn't have if I hadn't come along. She also initially agreed, said she wasn't happy, and said it was better that things end. Then she went on vacation with her family and told them... They objected hugely and she started to have doubts and started to unravel. When she came home, there were tears, begging, pleading, a religious conversion, and a nervous breakdown.

 

Then there was a phone call from my AP saying he was ending the affair and reconciling with his wife. He felt too guilty leaving her, it was against his faith, and she couldn't function without him.

 

I was devastated, panicked, and went back to the only person I could trust... My husband. I was lonely and just wanted somebody to talk to. In lieu of my AP, who was my best friend, I relied on my other friend. While we never officially made another go at it (though we did contemplate if we should try), I stayed for about a month before finally finding a place and moving out. Last time we spent time together was a goodbye dinner on what was our wedding anniversary. Our divorce was amicable.

 

My AP, however, spent the next year leaving his wife, then reconciling, then leaving again. The things that she said and did to cause problems were things neither of us could have anticipated, were terrifying, and they're things I still don't quite forgive her for. She slipped into "I don't care what you do as long as you stay" mode, fluctuated between OK with the affair, OK with a divorce, and utter insanity in trying to keep the marriage together. It was a mess. The first time he left was for about 3 weeks, then he went back. Then he left again for about a month, then he went back. Then he left again for about 7 months, then he went back. Then he stayed for about two weeks and left for good.

 

So I guess the point is, make sure without a shadow of a doubt that you want this before you jump. Ask yourself if you'll still want it if it turns out he doesn't want to deal with his wife and what she does if he tries to end the marriage. No matter what he says, it is a possibility... Even my AP said that there was nothing that she could say or do that would make him stay once he left... But it turns out that wasn't the case. It was a shock. I promise you, even if he does go, this will be harder than you ever even dreamed it would be. Consider couples therapy with your AP to help you in your transition. And just know, I know you don't think you're in a fog because it has gone on for years, but the reality is there is a degree of fogginess in there. The real world is about to creep into that cozy little bubble that was made up of only you and your AP... And it's going to be rough. Even if you're thinking everything will be amicable, and it may well be, it will still be gut-punchingly, brutally, cry-into-your-pillow-at-night rough.

 

The upshot to our difficult and horrible transition was that we did come out of it together, we did largely work past the issues that arose as a result of what happened. It took (and still takes) more work than we ever thought, but we are happy together now. But it took us years to get there, and I'd be lying if I said we didn't still have triggers that set off issues for us (and by us, I largely mean me). I don't mean this in a bad way, but when we were in the affair, I thought we were the perfect, meant-to-be couple who'd never fall into the trappings that drag down other relationships. When it was just us, that was the case. But after that bubble that contained only the two of us popped, we did each and every one of the things we swore we'd never do to each other. Our relationship went from the contained fantasy to the real world... For some, it can be a shock to make that leap. Be prepared in case you or your AP is one of those people.

 

Today, AP and I are still together, married, and very, very happy. We still are soul mates, but our dynamic now is very different than it was when we were an affair. That's not to say it's bad, but it is different.

Edited October 23, 2014 by Redheaded Mistress

[Nattie]

Sounds like you are gonna do something you will regret. Your marriage sounds pretty good and like you are rewriting history. True mature love isn't about sparks. It's about exactly how you described it. Your going to blow up your kids world and 50% of your time with them to chase sparks.

I also would be suspicious of your married man's intentions. Mm rarely leave the marriage. He has already laid the groundwork for backing out by telling yo uh the wife won't make it easy on him.

 

This really isn't the case, I just know how she is. I've heard conversations between the two of them, even before the A started, she's downright mean, BUT she would be more concerned with their "image". What will their friends say, she wouldn't want people to know and talk about the fact that HE left HER. I know it's going to be much harder than he is anticipating, but he's pushing for this more than I am. Not to say I don't love him just as much, but they've been separated before. I've never left my comfort zone, and I'm afraid of the unknown. It's like going over a cliff, I know in my heart I love him, I know that my marriage is not what I want, but once you go over, there's no turning back.

[Nattie]

Thank you redheadedmistress, that was a very honest, insightful response. I think he and I have a lot to talk about. I don't want to put any of the kids through this if we aren't fully committed to making this work.

[MuddyRock]

Well, it certainly doesn't sound like you are thinking things through at all.

 

Most women are mean to their husbands for a reason. At one point they loved each other enough to get married. You may end up being the one yelling at him one day. You really don't know what is going on at that house, just what you overhear and he tells you. he certainly isn't going to tell you why his wife is yelling at him. Just go into it eyes wide open.

Why would you leave a loyal spouse, father of your children, and you even say he is your best friend. And for what? A man that is capable of sleeping with someone he isn't even emotionally attached to. He didn't have feelings for you right away yet he was willing to cheat. You realize that this is the exact type that will cheat on YOU right?

You can almost understand if its feelings first then sex, but sex before feelings?

 

I think you need to start using the brain and not the heart here.

[adna89]

So you are going to leave a marriage ,a life partner for some passion? do you realize that passion in all relationships dies sooner or later? friendship is what stays alive

 

will you leave him as well,in lets say 10 years?

[Nattie]

That's a fair enough analysis, and nine times out of ten I would agree with you. I'm an intelligent, level headed girl. I'm not desperate, or clinging to crazy hope here. I thought about leaving my marriage for years before my MM came into the picture, but figured it was easier to be unhappy and keep it to myself. My husband deserves better. He deserves someone who wants him and appreciates him. I realize that I'm being selfish by hanging on just to spare everyone the pain of divorce. It's holding his life, and future up, preventing him from finding someone wonderful. I'm fairly certain that he and I could maintain a friendship and put our children first.

 

As far as MM goes, who am I to label him a scum cheater? I went into it with the exact same intentions. It was always more than what we wanted to admit. There's only so much you can say on these forums without sounding cliché. It's easy to label all these affairs the same, but I cheated too, and I expect him to trust me. I can't demand that respect from him without being willing to give it back. Can I guarantee that he will never cheat on me? No. Nobody can ever be certain of that, but I know that what we have is real.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Thank you redheadedmistress, that was a very honest, insightful response. I think he and I have a lot to talk about. I don't want to put any of the kids through this if we aren't fully committed to making this work.

 

That's a good plan. Though understand, it's so hard to know for certain one way or the other how it will happen until it happens. The best laid plans and all that. It's a combination of trust and just accepting the risk that comes with the transition.

 

I've said it before and I'll say it again... Ask yourself this: "Is the best day of your marriage still not better than the worst day of your affair?" When I could honestly say that yes, the best outcome possible of my marriage wasn't going to set me up for happiness, even when compared to the worst day of my affair or the worst outcome of my affair, then I was ready to go. For me, a lifetime of the best days of my marriage couldn't compare to the life I'd have even if my affair ended and I never saw him again... With the former, I'm still trapped in what was not fulfilling. With the latter, yes it'd hurt like hell to have the affair end and lose my AP... But at least I'd have closure and the chance to go out there and start a life and find a relationship that was worth having.

 

But I wish I'd known that was a question to ask myself before I left, not because the answer would have been different, but because it meant that I wouldn't have been so blindsided and unprepared for my AP to try and reconcile with his wife. Me going back to my ex-husband for support (emotional, not financial, not sex), I shouldn't have done that... It wasn't fair to him. If I had asked myself that question before jumping, I'm sure I wouldn't have gone back to him for that support. It meant I wasn't prepared for the consequences of leaving. I'd have focused on figuring it out for myself.

 

Maybe, thinking back, at the time I made the leap, a bit of my choosing to go had to do with my AP, which is why it didn't turn out well at all. Yes, the marriage would have failed anyway, but when I left after that month and got my own place, I could say for sure that was for me and not because of anything or anyone else. That's what made the difference. I think that's why my AP struggled for so long in bouncing back and forth too... It's just too hard to pick one person over the other and say that you're leaving one for the other. It also makes for a rocky relationship post affair too... Because what happens if you start doing the things that made him choose to leave her for you? There's no stability in knowing you "won" over another person and that's why you're in a relationship. If you're going to leave, it has to be for you and about your marriage.

[whichwayisup]

I'm fairly certain that he and I could maintain a friendship and put our children first.

 

He is not going to like another man raising his kids. He isn't going to like that you're divorcing him for someone else, because that is what you're about to do.

 

Yes, put the kids first, but do not count on your ex husband being your friend and maintaining a friendship. The truth always comes out and if you truly believe you can 'hide' how you and MM got together, sorry but you're fooling yourself. People aren't stupid. Guessing many 'know' at work but keep their heads down. You think co workers don't notice stuff like this at work?

 

Don't bank on a happy blended family. It sounds all good on paper with you and MM, but once reality hits, your H and his W are thrown to the side so you two can get together, it won't be easy at all. It'll be a real test of your glue with him, if you two can actually make it past the first year.

 

Plus, you'll not only be dealing with your H, but your in laws, extended family and even your own family, sibling etc... Moving out one man (H) and moving in another, may not go over so well. Then there's MM family you'll have to get to know and deal with too.

 

Maybe you'd be better off divorcing first now, be on your own and grow as a person, be independent instead of ending your marriage and being with MM. And, who's to say that you'll both actually divorce? SO many times I read, one person leaves, the other doesn't even though the promises were there. As I said, sounds so easy and a game plan on paper, but actually doing it is a whole other ball game.

[Poppy47]

You speak as though you were in a real relationship with you AP. It's nowhere near a real relationship. It's a fantasy.

 

If you leave, you will cause many people pain and fracture their lives forever.The

consequences of your actions can span decades in your family.

 

You have to decide if he is worth it. Can you live with that?

 

I am not heaping judgement on you. Just speaking from experience.

 

Poppy.

[2sunny]

Since your M isn't a happy one for you why not divorce?

 

Be on your own whether the MM divorces or not.

 

Your happiness should not be dependent upon him.