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Me, My Boyfriend, and the Baby-Mama drama


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Old 17th October 2004, 12:49 AM   #1
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Question Me, My Boyfriend, and the Baby-Mama drama

I'm pretty new at this whole "3 person relationship" (only about 4 months) and it is overwhelming! I'm not sure if my problem is with the Ex, or the boyfriend, or both. He has a 2 yr old with her and says their relationship was over before the baby was born. He waited to tell her about me until about a month ago and since then it has been nothing but drama. She says hurtful things to him tells him how she was still in love with him and how she wishes that the 3 of them could just be a happy family together. Because of these things (and depending on her mood), she doesnt always let him see the baby on his appointed days. She says under no circumstances am I supposed to be around their little boy, because it would just make her sick.

In the mean time, I've never physically spoken to this woman, or seen her in person. It irritated me that he kept me a secret for so long. It irritates me still that he takes those hurtful things she says to heart and lets her affect his mood and ultimately affect our relationship together. He says he loves me deeply, and more than he thought was possible to love another human being, but at the same time it feels like she still rules his world. Hes always checking her online journal (daily, if not more than once) and talking about what she has to say. He never really mentions to her anything about me, and so it kind of makes me feel like he denies our relationship.

I just want this to be dealt with. Should I talk to this woman (even though my boyfriend tells me not to answer the phone when she calls, or to even make any noise in the background)? I've tried telling him how I feel, and clearly, it has not done anything to change the situation. I dont know how much longer I can be the "bigger person". Any advice or ettiquette tips?[font=arial][/font]
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Old 17th October 2004, 1:30 AM   #2
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Don't you think you should stay out of it. Maybe even let them be a family.
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Old 17th October 2004, 11:40 AM   #3
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QUOTE:
Don't you think you should stay out of it. Maybe even let them be a family.

now i dont think that is fair ..........

this man started the new relationship, he is the problem , not the new girlfriend

if he wanted to be a "family" he wouldnt have went out and found a new woman .....so lets not put the blame where it does not belong ......

i do however think this man is still interested in his ex . I think the healthy thing for Coffeegirl31 is to get out of this love triangle........

i would not suggest this, except , her bf is telling her to not answer the phone, and to be quiet .......this is not the behaivor of a man who is seriously in love with you, or who wants to be with you .....

if he wanted you ( in the way you deserve him to) , he would tell his ex about you, tell her on his visitation its his business who the child is around( providing youve never done anything adverse to the child) and he would be proud to tell things about you ..... to ANYONE

So having said this...... Coffeegirl31 you need to get out of this while your ahead, or tell your man your not hiding....... your a priority also .........

as for his reading her online journal ...........that sounds like a stalker to me......unless he had reason to believe she was writing about his child on there , what she is doing or feeling should be none of his business....... so the mere fact he reads is shows he is still emotionally invested in his ex ..........
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Old 17th October 2004, 4:20 PM   #4
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I would advise my bf to get a custody order so the mother could not withhold his daughter from him.

I would also start looking more at his ACTIONS (like reading the ex's journals daily) rather than his WORDS ("I love you so much"). People can lie with their words so much more easily than with their actions, so if you want truth, look at how he spends his time and his mental and physical energy. If it's with you, congratulations.
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Old 18th October 2004, 1:33 PM   #5
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Are you sure that their love relationship is over?
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Old 18th October 2004, 2:10 PM   #6
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Wait a sec- you are not allowed to even "make a noise in the background" when she calls?

I am sorry, but if their love relationship is over, he needs to quit hiding his relationship with you. The fact that he has moved on romantically in no way jeopardizes his legal rights to his child, so don't let him pull that on you.

The question is...WHY do you have to tiptoe around her? If he came clean and finally told her that he is seeing you, why must you continue to hide?

Something sounds fishy here.
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Old 18th October 2004, 2:14 PM   #7
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Also...
I do not think that calling her is a smart idea. This problem is solely between you and your boyfriend- she is just the catalyst. In calling her you will most likely start a catfight and appear immature. (Its been shown what kind of woman she is if she keeps the child from your boyfriend on a whim. I'm sure calling her will not encourage rational or mature behavior from her.)
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Old 18th October 2004, 3:30 PM   #8
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You wrote..

"...but at the same time it feels like she still rules his world. Hes always checking her online journal (daily, if not more than once) and talking about what she has to say."


THis relationship has not had its closure yet.

For all intents and purposes, they are STILL HAVING a relationship (even if it doesn't involve sex).

Perhaps he is thinking " I don't know....maybe we still have a chance to be together?" or perhaps he's thinking, "I'm kind of confused. I want to move on, yet i don't"

Whatever his thought process is, he's clearly NOT moving on with his life and making room for you as a significant person in his life.

As another poster put it, actions speak louder than words.

It's very easy to toss the 'love' word around.
It's what you DO that proves whether or not you really love someone.

I think you need to walk away from this and let him think things over. Decide what he really wants.

Yes, he can get legal rights to see his child. Nobody can keep you from seeing your child unless you're an abuser.
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Old 18th October 2004, 7:00 PM   #9
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You are a fool for staying if you do and besides that, I think that you like making this woman hurt. Be a WOMAN and butt out of their relationship. He was carrying on with the both of you and you were ok with it. Where is your self-respect?
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Old 18th October 2004, 11:37 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally posted by SoleMate
I would advise my bf to get a custody order so the mother could not withhold his daughter from him.

I would also start looking more at his ACTIONS (like reading the ex's journals daily) rather than his WORDS ("I love you so much"). People can lie with their words so much more easily than with their actions, so if you want truth, look at how he spends his time and his mental and physical energy. If it's with you, congratulations.
You are so right. His actions do speak louder than words, because we are together mostly. We have great intelligent conversation, and we're not usually bored together. Its really great until...... like today. We work at the same place and his ex calls. A few days ago he was given tickets to a concert by a customer. (he was overjoyed) A few days later the ex calls to rub in his face that she got tickets to a concert (the same one) and he tells her that he does too. Kinda upset her. Anyway, she calls work today and says "who are you taking to the concert? Are you taking her?" He says "why do you want to know? Why are you calling me AT WORK to ask me a question that doesnt affect you and honestly, its none of your buisness" She wouldnt answer him so he hung up on her because there were customers.

After that I told him that I just cant be in a relationship with this woman anymore. She's driving me crazy. He apologized for that and how he hasnt really taken a stand on much of thing lately. He said that he's tried to keep our relationship private because A. she would be all up in it if it werent private B. He wants to avoid as much drama as possible by not talking about us and C. He doesnt want her to hurt me. I can appreciate that. He also said that he would talk to her about all this and let her know that her behavior is unacceptable.

I asked him why he continues to check her journal and he said that she posts alot of pictures or their son and that shes the kind of person who doesnt say outloud what she really means, but writes what she is really thinking. So he reads it to better understand her. Makes sense, still kind of urks me a little.

I am going to give it some more time so I can see if these are his real, honset reasons and watch his actions. If he and the EX still cant get this under control, I'll know that they still have some conflict to resolve, without me.
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Old 19th October 2004, 1:51 AM   #11
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You should already be gone. You are butting in. She is hurt, he's a jerk and you are ok with all of it. I don't know which is worse. Because you are lonely you are justifying your actions. Get some pride.
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Old 19th October 2004, 4:46 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally posted by Charlane
You should already be gone. You are butting in. She is hurt, he's a jerk and you are ok with all of it. I don't know which is worse. Because you are lonely you are justifying your actions. Get some pride.
Have you recently become a single mother? You sound like one. Either that or you have been in that girl's reversed situation (being the mother. Ex.) that CoffeeGirl is asking advice about.

Get over it. He's the one that is doing all the damage. Don't blame CoffeeGirl for causing this girl's hurt. It's all this guy's actions.

CoffeeGirl I learnt from my experience if you give it some more time it will only make matters worse. This woman is always gonna be in this guys life because of the baby. She is always gonna try and split you too up. Eventually he is just gonna give in.

Save yourself the drama and the heartache. I know you can find someone without all these attatchments and bagage.

It will be a miracle if he stays with you. I wouldn't hold my breath though.
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Old 19th October 2004, 4:48 AM   #13
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Good Luck with whatever you decide to do.

Last edited by ziggue; 19th October 2004 at 4:55 AM..
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Old 19th October 2004, 1:59 PM   #14
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I have been on both sides of the coin. You can go on all day long but she is just as quilty as he is. If she wants to be lazy about finding a man that isn't playing with someone's heart because he's making her scream in bed then she is just as sorry a person as he is. Thinking below the waist will definitely be a price to be paid later. She is pathetic. I know that there are women out there that have some pride but those numbers are dwindling. My gender is failing.
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Old 19th October 2004, 2:12 PM   #15
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i can see why you're upset (this is why i don't date men who have children, how ironic that i am going to be a single mother....ha ha ha)

anyways - the thing is when you have a kid with someone you will always be connected to them in that way, the child is a bond whether you like it or not (or unless you sign over your parental rights). i'm pregnant right now with my ex's baby. i don't want to be with him, but in all honesty i would be uncomfortable with him bringing my child around a GF unless they had been together a while and it was a longterm thing (i don't consider 4 months long), just because it isn't good for children to have people just go in and out of their lives a lot....but that is my personal opinion.

but from what you describe it sounds like he is not over his ex completely.

in any case you should know that this will be difficult regardless jsut because of the situation. there is never an easy solution, but the child should come first - what's best for the child should be paramount on your BF's mind - IMO the child comes before you or his ex GF.
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