LoveOrNot Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 Hello. I'm new to posting but am a long-time lurker. A few years ago I fell in love with a married man at work really fast. His wife found out after a couple of months and she kicked him out and told everyone that he was cheating on her. She was horrible to me, told me she had found out about a bunch of other affairs, and said 'good luck'. They divorced. He and I were in love and we went public. HIs kids had a hard time but we got through it, at least with one of them. The other one doesn't see much of his father and hasn't seen me in almost a year. In that tme I've had a baby. So now I've found out that he has a secret company and bank account. He doesn't know I know - I overhead him tell him son. I don't now what to do. WE have a small baby, he's building a company after quitting his job but isn't making much money right now, I'm going back to work in a few months and I don't know what to do. I'm a lot younger than him and I do love him so much. I don't think he's cheating on me or that he ever will, as he needs me too much and is always, always with me, but this secret company and money is scaring me. I don't know how to approach it with him. Thans for help. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 Talk to. Ask about the finances. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 That man you are with, lied to his first wife, had multiple affairs. He had 2 kids with her and now has a child with you. Nothing is stopping him from cheating again, it seems to be his pattern. Can't commit to one woman and stay faithful. DO NOT fool yourself into believing he'd never cheat on you! Fact is, you know what he's capable of and now you know he has a secret company and money put aside.... Why are you so afraid of talking to him about what you know? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveOrNot Posted October 18, 2014 Author Share Posted October 18, 2014 I don't know how to approach it. He's never mentioned this to me ever and who knows, maybe he was just trying to keep his kid from worrying, as his company isn't going well. He's a little stressed around money because he pays his ex wife child support and it really eats into our budget. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 Casually say, hey how's your new business going? Is there anything I can do to help? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveOrNot Posted October 18, 2014 Author Share Posted October 18, 2014 Oh, he talks about his business fine with me. He explains everything that's happening, is open about the struggles, and all of that. It's this thing I overheard that worries me. Does he really have a secret company and a secret bank account? Is that ok when I think about how much he worries about money? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 Ask him! We can't tell you. We don't know. Don't call it a secret company & attack him when you have this conversation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveOrNot Posted October 18, 2014 Author Share Posted October 18, 2014 So how do I say it? Do I just ask about his company and see if he tells me about that other one? Somehow I don't think that's going to happen. I either need to ask him about what I overhead or say nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 I'm pretty blunt. I'd say hey I heard you talking to [son] the other day. What's up with [secret company]. Are you giving up [company you know about]? If you are that untrusting you can always go to the homepage for the Secretary of State for your state & look up business registrations. Some states also have them by county or parish. These are public records. A search will cost you about $5. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveOrNot Posted October 18, 2014 Author Share Posted October 18, 2014 You're right. I'll just ask him. If he lies I don't know how i will deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 You're right. I'll just ask him. If he lies I don't know how i will deal with it. you already Know he's a liar hon, and he may not be cheating on you this time but he's cheating you by not being transparent and open with you... ick. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveOrNot Posted October 18, 2014 Author Share Posted October 18, 2014 Is he lying or just making sure he has money on the side, after his ex wife took so much of his? I know he has trust issues after that. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 Is he lying or just making sure he has money on the side, after his ex wife took so much of his? I know he has trust issues after that. Does it matter? And if so, consider your justification of him being a liar to you about it (or at least keeping this huge secret from you )... Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveOrNot Posted October 18, 2014 Author Share Posted October 18, 2014 He'll be home soon. I'm going to ask him about this. If I don't it's going to make me crazy Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 So he cheated, he got kicked out, she took what was legally hers. He has NO reason to have trust issues. Just wow. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 Is he lying or just making sure he has money on the side, after his ex wife took so much of his? I know he has trust issues after that. She didn't "take", she was given because of his infidelity with you and he has probably not only had to pay child support but spousal support too. She may have stayed home looking after the kids while he worked, that's why he's paying through the nose. Try not to make her the devil here...This is on him, not her. How come he has trust issues? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 Find your Secretary of State website and do a corporation search using his name. Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted October 18, 2014 Share Posted October 18, 2014 If you live in the US you can do a search with his ss # and see what businesses are linked to him. What would be the purpose of keeping it a secret from you? Is it to keep you away from his money? I am in a similar situation. H did something that went against my wishes. Destroyed our marriage, but I have been stuck with 4 kids and mostly because I cant work because I am caring for my elderly ill mom. The time I spend caring for her is equal to a full time job. Because of finances I have stayed with him. Well he got discovered. Now it has turned our lives upside down. He could possibly go to prison and has incurred a huge lawyer fee too. It has devastated our children. So much stress for them. So, in this respect I would say the longer you stay the worse it is going to be. I was just hoping that it would all just stop. It didn't. Im sorry your in this position. Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 I know you love this guy and all. Not going to discuss his history, you know it better than us. I will say, you and he have bigger issues than secret company and bank accounts. You feel he is keeping secrets from you and you are afraid and worried about being open and honest with him. You are concerned he will lie to you and how to handle it. That is your biggest problem, you two either cannot or will not openly and honestly communicate. You should be able to talk to your spouse about everything from finances to a pimple on your a$$. I was afraid to talk to my now ExH. If he didn't like the topic I would end up being verbally and emotionally attacked. It taught me to avoid certain conversations. It was wrong and damaging. If you feel you can't talk to your spouse about anything, you two need to fix that. Everything else will fix itself from that. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 Or, he was lying to his son. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 So he cheated, he got kicked out, she took what was legally hers. He has NO reason to have trust issues. Just wow. THE OP was equally responsible for the affair that broke up the guys first marriage. She was the last straw that broke the camels back so to speak. Let's keep that in mind. So for her to call him a liar is calling the kettle black. She is now formally married and his wife, so her concern is on the financials and his privacy in the business. If she is invested financially then she can ask how that is fairing....if she didn't place any money into this venture, then as his wife she can entrust he is making business decisions on his own and doesn't need to come to her for advisal. If he is gambling with their future retirement or welfare I can understand her concern... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 The OP never said they married Link to post Share on other sites
Author LoveOrNot Posted October 19, 2014 Author Share Posted October 19, 2014 Ok, an update. First, we're not married. His kid who doesn't speak to me would get mad if we married so we're waiting. I asked him about what I overheard and he said he has some money set aside for emergencies because he doesn't ever want to lose so much money again, like he did in the divorce. Its a rainy day account and is in a small company for tax reasons. So I guess I was worried for nothing. But one of you made a good point. I should not feel scared to talk to him about things. I don't know why I feel this way sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 (edited) loveOrNot, I'm not sure I like the sound of this, as it makes no sense... Its a rainy day account and is in a small company for tax reasons. (my bold) so is it in an account or has he invested it in a company (shares) ? he has some money set aside for emergencies because he doesn't ever want to lose so much money again, so how will this help him from "losing money again"? If you and he got married and then divorced, or just split up, he would have to pay child/spousal support to you, and having a "rainy day account" wouldn't absolve him of his financial responsibilities. If you are not married to him really it isn't (legally) any of your business, however, as he has a track record as a liar, I would definitely check this out using the methods other posters have suggested. You need to protect your child's financial future if not your own. Good luck. Edited October 19, 2014 by Arieswoman 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 Ok, an update. First, we're not married. His kid who doesn't speak to me would get mad if we married so we're waiting. I asked him about what I overheard and he said he has some money set aside for emergencies because he doesn't ever want to lose so much money again, like he did in the divorce. Its a rainy day account and is in a small company for tax reasons. So I guess I was worried for nothing. But one of you made a good point. I should not feel scared to talk to him about things. I don't know why I feel this way sometimes. Exactly what kind of loss is he trying to prevent... One like his divorce? How would that happen in the future? You guys are solid, right? Right? Look, I don't want to be the mean one, but it sounds like he is squirrelling money into a business and isn't being transparent about it because he is preparing for a day when you two are no longer together. On top of that. It's likely money he might have to pay you as the mother of his child if he we're to leave. Can you understand? He is trying to protect himself.... Against you. And against his own child. Think about that. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts