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Hi, My name is Susan and I'm the other woman. My story in a nut shell, I will try to keep it as short as I can. I am single and met a man at a sportsman's club. I enjoy outdoor sports. When I first met him, he played it off to me that he was single. He never came out and said those words, but he also didn't say he was involved. I even asked him if he was married, he said no. We exchanged phone numbers and began to talk daily. As things began to evolve, I asked him one day if I could come to his place. He has horses and lives in the timbers. He was always talking about how great it was out at his place. Saying things like, "you'd love it out there". So when I asked if I could come to his place, he became uneasy and always had an excuse. Finally after I pressed him a few more times, he met me at the club one night and confessed that he was involved with a woman, for 30yrs and had 3 grown children with her. They had never married, so he did tell the truth...sorta. He told me that they have never gotten along and they had separate bedrooms. He also told me that he planned to leave her.

 

He came on very strong. Showered me with expensive gifts, to which I often tried to refuse, but he wouldn't have it. He treated me like a princess. He seemed to be perfect for me. We love all the same things. I fell in love hard and fast. As weeks turned to months, turned to a year now, they are still together. It took me about 6 months before I realized, I was the other woman. For the first 6 months I viewed it as a bad relationship that was over and he was in the process of leaving. When it finally hit me that he was not going to leave her, I took it very hard. I even screamed at him and told him I would not be the other woman. He assured me I wasn't and he would make things right soon. I tried several times to break it off with him. Telling him I 'd have nothing to do with him until they parted ways. He would get upset and always say the sweetest things to pull me back in. So here I am...a year later, in the same boat trying to paddle up stream. To this day, he still tells me he's leaving her, but he never does anything to actually move in that direction.

 

I know this will be hard for you all to believe, but our relationship is NOT based on sex. We have only had sex 3 times in the year I've known him. He has always insisted that he wanted to be my friend first. Our 'dates' were always fishing trips, shooting sports and archery together. We ARE best friends more than anything else. Lately he has begun to tell me he loves me, on a daily basis and he never used to do that. He's always telling me he can't wait to lay me down properly.

 

She found out about us about the time I realized he was never going to leave her. She wrote me an email after having snooped on his email account. In the letter she told me that he had treated her poorly for the 30 years they had been together. Never taking her anywhere or wanting to do anything with her. She was extremely jealous that he was doing things with me. She also told me that they were still having sex 3 nights a week. That was a HUGE shock to me, because he had always told me that he had stopped having sex with her years ago.

 

Over the course of the past year, he has introduced me to his sister, mother and brother. His children have found out about me too and according to his sister, his grown children just want Dad to be happy. I have become close to his family. I talk with his sister and his mother often. They know what is going on and they are not happy with him. They really like me and they have told him to get his life straight and either leave his current live in or let me go. Today his brother passed away and it has been extremely hard on me today. I think because I realize I can not be there for the family, the people I've grown to love, because now all of the sudden his live in, decides she is going to step up and be there for them. I will not be able to attend the funeral because she will be there. However, that's not the real issue. The real issue is I'm tired of being hidden from her, put on the back burner and made to feel second best.

 

Lately he has been avoiding seeing me because she seems to find out every time he would do something with me. She would give him hell about it and he'd avoid being with me for weeks. Now he just finds excuse after excuse to not be with me. Our only communication is by phone all week, and seeing each other at the club twice a week with a group of other people. I am tired of begging him to see me and I refuse to do it anymore! He knows I am unhappy and he's even told me he feels bad that he doesn't have time for me in his busy schedule. The ONLY thing that keeps me hanging on is the fact that I do believe that he truly loves me, but I just don't think he feels like he can make that commitment to leave her. He will say things like "I don't want to be mean to her, she has no where to go" or "she's the mother of my kids, I can't just throw her out". The woman has never worked a day in her life and he is still supporting her. So on one hand I can understand, but on the other hand I can't!

 

I'm a song writer and I wrote a song about being the other woman and feeling like I'm just "filling in the holes that she leaves open". I sang it to him and he almost cried. Said he didn't realize I felt that way. He continues to promise me that it will be soon. I just don't believe him anymore and now I'm thinking I don't know if I even want to be with him anymore! He's drug his feet so long that I'm wanting to give up, but there's always this little part of me that says "but you love him" and what if I walk away and THEN he leaves her and I miss out on being with the only man I've ever thought was perfect for me? I think our relationship/friendship is so strong because we didn't base is on sex and that is what is making this so hard. We know each other like the back of our hands. We've shared ever emotion and detail of our life. It wasn't a steamy love affair, it was two people that became best friends and now love each other. I'm finding it sooooo hard to let him go, but I know that I HAVE to. I know that he will never leave her.

 

How do I let him go? How do you tell your best friend you can't be with them anymore? My feelings are so deep for him that I don't want to hurt him, but I know that I can't continue on like this. I need help! Do I hang on? Do they ever leave the woman they are with?

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Honour and love yourself. Before this destroys you, get out of this situation. It doesn't take this long to make a decision about a relationship. Just get out while you have your self respect intact.

 

This man doesn't love you. People who truly love and care for one another don't do this to each other. You're wasting precious time on someone who won't give you what you truly deserve. Which is a loving relationship without the deception and lies.

Edited by FusionCutter
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Hi there. This board will be a very big help to you. As most of the advice was to end it and walk away. I guess the one thing that most of my friends have said is if you keep things this way he has his cake..etc. You won't really know if he loves you enough to leave unless you leave. Be aware though, that if he doesn't leave you will feel like it was all a lie. At least that is how I feel right now. Keep posting here. The folks on this board have helped me so much in my transition from OW to xOW.

 

My xMM one day said to me, when I said I want to be the only woman not the other woman, he said, "Oh that sounds horrible the Other Woman. You are the one I love and you know I will leave her please don't think of yourself as the other woman."

Bunch of BS.

 

I found out that was all I was...just the OW. And the one that got thrown under the bus.

 

That said, you won't know for sure until you walk away.

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You need to be honest with your self here and realize you have created a fantasy and it isn't the real him. How can you know him like the back of your hand if you have no clue what is going on in his own bedroom? You know the separate bedroom excuse is false, you know they still sleep together, in fact more in one week then you ever have. I can guarantee they are probably doing it daily, its called hyperbonding. He is using you both. He doesn't care if he gets caught because she isn't holding him accountable at all. I bet if she kicked him out you would get thrown under the bus asap. Probably is buying the excuse you are just friends.

 

His family is not a family you want to be involved with either. Honestly, when he cheats on you they wont make him own his own $hit. The man is a lier and a cheater with no plans to leave.

She can get a job. Anyone can. He will have to sell his home, his animals, and pay spousal support. Do you really see this as happening?? He has no young children and no legal ties. Its all excuses.

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What you all say is true, I know...but so very hard to read. A part of me wants to say "but you don't know him like I do", but you are all so very right. I don't know if I'm strong enough to leave him. I want so badly to believe he does love me and he means well but doesn't know how to fix this mess. I'm so torn. But yes, you are all very right. I know this.

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What you all say is true, I know...but so very hard to read. A part of me wants to say "but you don't know him like I do", but you are all so very right. I don't know if I'm strong enough to leave him. I want so badly to believe he does love me and he means well but doesn't know how to fix this mess. I'm so torn. But yes, you are all very right. I know this.

 

The only reason people are so willing to help others on this board is because many people have suffered the pain you are feeling and they want to help you through it.

 

I bet you are feeling helpless. You are not helpless. Deep down inside I believe you know something is very wrong with the situation and that is what led you to post here in the first place.

 

 

You have to take a step back and see the situation for what it actually is, not what it appears to be. Don't be seduced by his words. Words take no effort at all.

 

Hey Susan, I love you. See? How easy that is? You have to study his actions and you have to see that his actions are clearly showing you he is not leaving, nor does he love you and give you what you deserve. In fact, his actions show that he is an incredibly selfish man to be doing this to two women. Once you can remove the affair goggles you are wearing, you will see this man in a very different light. He's ruining you and your chance at a loving relationship. A legitimate, loving relationship.

 

Truth is. I think you are afraid of being alone. If there was a single man that made you feel the same as this disgusting, selfish man, you would be with him in a heartbeat. Guess what? He's out there, and you are only screwing your own chances to meet him while you are caught in the middle of this married man's game. It's been well over a year. Honor and love yourself. Because it's clear this dude won't. You deserve a hell of a lot better than this shxt. Breaking away will be very very tough with some serious withdrawal symptoms. But you know it something you should be doing. Listen to your gut and heart. Honor and love yourself. Good luck. Remember. Many people have been in a similar situation as you.

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Sus1971,

Please get out of this now because it won't end well.

 

My exH cheated with a girl from work and it went on 7 months. He had no plans to leave because he was "cake-eating". I threw him out and divorced him and, because he had no-where else to go he ended up with her.They got married 4 years later when she got pregnant.

 

Do you really want to hang around waiting for someone else's cast-offs?

 

My husband could've left anytime. I had a career (and earned more than him at the time) and we had no children. I could have supported myself - and did just that after he was gone.He didn't leave because he didn't want to.

It was easier to stay where he was, tell her stories about what a rotten wife I was, get her sympathy and be allowed to cake-eat.

 

Your guy has told you that he won't leave - believe him. Do yourself a favour - you do the leaving.

 

Good luck.

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So he's a good guy, that still treats his wife poorly, never takes her anywhere but still has sex with her three times a week?

 

As for the family that just want dad happy, if they have no problem "just wanting dad to be happy" with you doing this to their mom, brother, do you think they will have any allegiance to you if he's doing this with someone else?

 

He might come across as generous but really it was a hook to reel you in wasn't it? He doesn't treat his wife the same, when he refused his gifts he didn't stop or respect your wishes but ploughed on giving you gifts and not having any refusals.

 

They been married long, both know they will take a hit in lifestyles if they were to D, question is, he is never leaving, this is your forever. Is this good enough for you?

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People react to actions, not words. He's learned over time that his wife will not leave him for having an affair, so he keeps on with it and deals with the fallout. All of her angry words haven't changed anything, so why should he stop?

 

And it's the same with you. You can, as far as he's concerned, rant and cry all you like. But you're still there. So why should he change anything?

 

He doesn't care about anyone's feelings, he just cares about having what he wants - which is both of you.

 

If that's not what you want, your only option is to end it. Because he's not about to change.

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Redheaded Mistress

Not going to lie, this is an odd situation. It's an affair, but not really because everybody knows about it and you've met his family, and you're not actually doing much "forbidden" with each other. It's an open marriage, but it's not because she's not seeing anybody else (presumably). It's a plural marriage, but it's not because she's not on board. On one hand, he's making moves to leave by making your relationship quite public, on the other hand, he's not because when the wife sniffs him out or becomes too much of a hassle, he backs off. Your relationship is fine and trucking along because you still see each other regularly, but it's not because he's trying to avoid you privately. It's like he just wants a female friend who he can kind of occasionally have sex with sometimes. A relationship friendship.

 

While he is almost certainly lying to you about how he's on the brink of leaving (maybe not even intentionally, maybe he truly means to leave but gets cold feet when he goes to do it) it's also possible that his wife is lying too. She says they're having sex three times a week, but if he treats her like crap and she admits that she's unhappy, jealous, and their marriage isn't wonderful...? I'm sorry, the sex three times a week doesn't quite add up. You don't have more frequent than average sex with somebody who you think treats you like crap. It's not impossible to think that they're having sex, but that she's exaggerating how often to scuttle you off. Or maybe having more frequent sex now because she's using it as a weapon to get him to stay.

 

The fact that his family says his kids just want Dad to be happy also hints to me that the marriage hasn't been good for a long time. A marriage that's great and has an affair, adult kids I'd think would be more prone to be upset for their mom, angry at their dad, and as a result family less likely to welcome the mistress. But a welcomed mistress and resigned kids? It points to not-so-secretly unhappy marriage for a long time.

 

He may or may not leave his wife, it's hard to tell. Right now, since he's avoiding you and interacting with you non-privately and without sex, I tend to think he's not for quite awhile. However, if he does leave her, the wife has given every indication she's going to not take it well and be a persistent issue to contend with. The end of the marriage won't so much be the beginning of your relationship as it will be the beginning of her increasing her behavior to get him to come back and stay. Having dealt with that myself, it can be a lot to contend with.

 

If I were you, I'd ask myself what I want out of this. Do I want to continue the affair and deal with the hot and cold behavior in exchange for stolen moments? Do I want to end the affair and wait for him to come when he leaves her, understanding that may not happen? Do I want to enter into a relationship with somebody where, for a time at least, the relationship brings with it an ex who will not let go? Where even in a "legitimate" relationship, you'll feel like the interloper as he deals with his ex-wife's issues?

 

There's no right or wrong answer to the above persay... In my case, I continued the affair in exchange for the stolen moments until he got to the point where he felt like he could leave, then I embarked in the relationship where the ex wouldn't let go, and dealt with all that entailed. Your case, like mine, is where you need to ask yourself who you believe, if you're willing to believe it enough certainty to make a decision that impacts your based off of it, and what you're willing to put up with. I'll tell you, you said you worry that if you end the relationship, he'll leave his wife and you'll have missed out... Unless you have something lined up right here and now, he can leave his wife and you resume the relationship even if you end it now. If you're that intertwined and devoted to each other, you shouldn't think ending the relationship until he leaves means that he'll leave and you're out of luck. It would actually mean the opposite... To me at least.

Edited by Redheaded Mistress
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gettingstronger

You seem pretty level headed despite the situation you find yourself in-

 

I think it boils down to what the two of you have is not enough for him to leave his wife-you have to decide if your role as it is now is enough to sustain you-my guess is no since you are questioning it already-there are affairs like yours that last for years and years because everyone assumes their roles in it and it becomes easy-

 

Think about where you want to be 1, 2 or 3 years from now and head that direction-

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Hi, My name is Susan and I'm the other woman. My story in a nut shell, I will try to keep it as short as I can. I am single and met a man at a sportsman's club. I enjoy outdoor sports. When I first met him, he played it off to me that he was single. He never came out and said those words, but he also didn't say he was involved. I even asked him if he was married, he said no. We exchanged phone numbers and began to talk daily. As things began to evolve, I asked him one day if I could come to his place. He has horses and lives in the timbers. He was always talking about how great it was out at his place. Saying things like, "you'd love it out there". So when I asked if I could come to his place, he became uneasy and always had an excuse. Finally after I pressed him a few more times, he met me at the club one night and confessed that he was involved with a woman, for 30yrs and had 3 grown children with her. They had never married, so he did tell the truth...sorta. He told me that they have never gotten along and they had separate bedrooms. He also told me that he planned to leave her.

 

He came on very strong. Showered me with expensive gifts, to which I often tried to refuse, but he wouldn't have it. He treated me like a princess. He seemed to be perfect for me. We love all the same things. I fell in love hard and fast. As weeks turned to months, turned to a year now, they are still together. It took me about 6 months before I realized, I was the other woman. For the first 6 months I viewed it as a bad relationship that was over and he was in the process of leaving. When it finally hit me that he was not going to leave her, I took it very hard. I even screamed at him and told him I would not be the other woman. He assured me I wasn't and he would make things right soon. I tried several times to break it off with him. Telling him I 'd have nothing to do with him until they parted ways. He would get upset and always say the sweetest things to pull me back in. So here I am...a year later, in the same boat trying to paddle up stream. To this day, he still tells me he's leaving her, but he never does anything to actually move in that direction.

 

I know this will be hard for you all to believe, but our relationship is NOT based on sex. We have only had sex 3 times in the year I've known him. He has always insisted that he wanted to be my friend first. Our 'dates' were always fishing trips, shooting sports and archery together. We ARE best friends more than anything else. Lately he has begun to tell me he loves me, on a daily basis and he never used to do that. He's always telling me he can't wait to lay me down properly.

 

She found out about us about the time I realized he was never going to leave her. She wrote me an email after having snooped on his email account. In the letter she told me that he had treated her poorly for the 30 years they had been together. Never taking her anywhere or wanting to do anything with her. She was extremely jealous that he was doing things with me. She also told me that they were still having sex 3 nights a week. That was a HUGE shock to me, because he had always told me that he had stopped having sex with her years ago.

 

Over the course of the past year, he has introduced me to his sister, mother and brother. His children have found out about me too and according to his sister, his grown children just want Dad to be happy. I have become close to his family. I talk with his sister and his mother often. They know what is going on and they are not happy with him. They really like me and they have told him to get his life straight and either leave his current live in or let me go. Today his brother passed away and it has been extremely hard on me today. I think because I realize I can not be there for the family, the people I've grown to love, because now all of the sudden his live in, decides she is going to step up and be there for them. I will not be able to attend the funeral because she will be there. However, that's not the real issue. The real issue is I'm tired of being hidden from her, put on the back burner and made to feel second best.

 

Lately he has been avoiding seeing me because she seems to find out every time he would do something with me. She would give him hell about it and he'd avoid being with me for weeks. Now he just finds excuse after excuse to not be with me. Our only communication is by phone all week, and seeing each other at the club twice a week with a group of other people. I am tired of begging him to see me and I refuse to do it anymore! He knows I am unhappy and he's even told me he feels bad that he doesn't have time for me in his busy schedule. The ONLY thing that keeps me hanging on is the fact that I do believe that he truly loves me, but I just don't think he feels like he can make that commitment to leave her. He will say things like "I don't want to be mean to her, she has no where to go" or "she's the mother of my kids, I can't just throw her out". The woman has never worked a day in her life and he is still supporting her. So on one hand I can understand, but on the other hand I can't!

 

I'm a song writer and I wrote a song about being the other woman and feeling like I'm just "filling in the holes that she leaves open". I sang it to him and he almost cried. Said he didn't realize I felt that way. He continues to promise me that it will be soon. I just don't believe him anymore and now I'm thinking I don't know if I even want to be with him anymore! He's drug his feet so long that I'm wanting to give up, but there's always this little part of me that says "but you love him" and what if I walk away and THEN he leaves her and I miss out on being with the only man I've ever thought was perfect for me? I think our relationship/friendship is so strong because we didn't base is on sex and that is what is making this so hard. We know each other like the back of our hands. We've shared ever emotion and detail of our life. It wasn't a steamy love affair, it was two people that became best friends and now love each other. I'm finding it sooooo hard to let him go, but I know that I HAVE to. I know that he will never leave her.

 

How do I let him go? How do you tell your best friend you can't be with them anymore? My feelings are so deep for him that I don't want to hurt him, but I know that I can't continue on like this. I need help! Do I hang on? Do they ever leave the woman they are with?

 

I can't pretend to know your pain, I am sorry that you are in this awkward and hurtful situation. I have to agree about moving on, it is better to let him figure out what he is going to do with his life and marriage on his own. Have you considered counseling to get through this time?

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hazy_shade_of_grey

I'm terribly sorry for your pain, I can sympathize with your situation. I read your entire post and the following excerpt stuck out

 

"He's drug his feet so long that I'm wanting to give up, but there's always this little part of me that says "but you love him" and what if I walk away and THEN he leaves her and I miss out on being with the only man I've ever thought was perfect for me?"

 

If you leave and implement NC his actions will say it all. If you are important enough he will leave his wife to be with you. That being said, given the history I wouldn't hold my breath. Plan your future w/o him. I'm really sorry.

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You have evidence he lies. It works in his favor when he lies and you believe his lies or even"overlook" his lies to continue in Thai fake relationship.

 

He's been with her for DECADES!

 

He's not likely to leave her.

 

You could wait another 10 or 20 years for him to decide. Is that good enough for you?

 

 

And of course he bought you gifts - is that enough? Well it was enough for you to think he thought of you as special.

 

But IF you really want to know how he will treat you LONG TERM - take a look at his live in gal - no gifts, no trips and sex 3 times a week. That is the life you can expect. No kidding! It's worked FOR HIM since he's stayed for decades.

 

But as long as he gets his side dish... If you become his main gal that leaves a vacancy he will need to fill. Be ready... It's only expected that what any person has chosen for themself in their past is what you can expect they will choose for their future.

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Hi, My name is Susan and I'm the other woman. My story in a nut shell, I will try to keep it as short as I can. I am single and met a man at a sportsman's club. I enjoy outdoor sports. When I first met him, he played it off to me that he was single. He never came out and said those words, but he also didn't say he was involved. I even asked him if he was married, he said no. We exchanged phone numbers and began to talk daily. As things began to evolve, I asked him one day if I could come to his place. He has horses and lives in the timbers. He was always talking about how great it was out at his place. Saying things like, "you'd love it out there". So when I asked if I could come to his place, he became uneasy and always had an excuse. Finally after I pressed him a few more times, he met me at the club one night and confessed that he was involved with a woman, for 30yrs and had 3 grown children with her. They had never married, so he did tell the truth...sorta. He told me that they have never gotten along and they had separate bedrooms. He also told me that he planned to leave her.

 

He LIED to you knowing exactly what he was doing. My question is, how come you continued on with him? I really hope you didn't believe the bolded 30 years, people do not just up and divorce. Soon if they don't already, they will be grandchildren, so no way is this guy leaving and divorcing.

 

he real issue is I'm tired of being hidden from her, put on the back burner and made to feel second best.

 

That is something you need to decide, if you really sick and tired of being second fiddle and not wanting table scraps on his terms and time frame. The guy is (common law) married, has a life built with someone else. It's up to you to walk away and respect yourself. HE will accept you as the OW for as long as you offer yourself up to him. He's going nowhere. He's happy having his cake and eating it too.

 

Don't put all the blame on him, you went into this knowingly once you found out the truth.

 

I hope you end it because your situation is very damaging and will cause you more pain as you go on.

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What you all say is true, I know...but so very hard to read. A part of me wants to say "but you don't know him like I do", but you are all so very right. I don't know if I'm strong enough to leave him. I want so badly to believe he does love me and he means well but doesn't know how to fix this mess. I'm so torn. But yes, you are all very right. I know this.

 

It doesn't matter how well you *think* you know him, he's showing you a side that shows he's capable of living a double life, hurting and betraying the woman he has THREE children with.

 

If he loves you, does it really matter? You'll still be the OW and having an affair with a committed man to someone else. He isn't yours, even though he's offering himself up like he single, he's not.

 

He doesn't mean well, if he did, he wouldn't have lied to you from day one. He wouldn't have started an affair with you or let you close to him.

 

You're letting your feelings and emotions not see who he truly is. A liar, a cheater and a betrayer. He may be 'good' to you, but look how he's treating the woman he's built a life with, had children with. Why do you think he'd not lie or omit truths from you? He's lying to her..He's lied to you as well, hence the first day you met when he 'omitted' the fact he was very taken and had kids.

 

It'll hurt when you end it, better now than in another year or two when you've really relied on him as your everything.

 

 

 

Take time to read in this section and also in infidelity. You're helping this man cheat and betray his life partner.

 

Good luck and I hope you end it. You deserve better, but you won't have him all to yourself. If you want a guy all to yourself, you got to find a single man who can love only you.

Edited by whichwayisup
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What you all say is true, I know...but so very hard to read. A part of me wants to say "but you don't know him like I do", but you are all so very right. I don't know if I'm strong enough to leave him. I want so badly to believe he does love me and he means well but doesn't know how to fix this mess. I'm so torn. But yes, you are all very right. I know this.

 

Hey

 

You sound so like me. We were closer than I had ever been with anyone and I truly believe he was closer to me than he had been with anyone else. I loved him so so much.

 

I always believed he was honest with me.

 

His relationship did end.

 

I presumed we would go straight to being together then one night he told me he felt trapped and needed to see other people.

 

I was devastated. He was my best friend and I had so many reasons to believe we would end up together.

 

I left the relationship but have never been so devastated. I am totally heartbroken for the first time in my life.

 

I had previously ended us many times because it was wrong and one of his reasons for not being with me now was because how could he feel secure when I just leave when things are hard. Seriously, I have been there for four years putting up with breadcrumbs...never stay "separated" from him and now he feels insecure because I may leave.

 

 

AAAAHHHHH

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Hey

 

You sound so like me. We were closer than I had ever been with anyone and I truly believe he was closer to me than he had been with anyone else. I loved him so so much.

 

I always believed he was honest with me.

 

His relationship did end.

 

I presumed we would go straight to being together then one night he told me he felt trapped and needed to see other people.

 

I was devastated. He was my best friend and I had so many reasons to believe we would end up together.

 

I left the relationship but have never been so devastated. I am totally heartbroken for the first time in my life.

 

I had previously ended us many times because it was wrong and one of his reasons for not being with me now was because how could he feel secure when I just leave when things are hard. Seriously, I have been there for four years putting up with breadcrumbs...never stay "separated" from him and now he feels insecure because I may leave.

 

 

AAAAHHHHH

 

Stop torturing yourself and get out. He doesn't even need any explanation just leave. Once you realize you don't owe him anything, that's really empowering.

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Summer Breeze

Well OP we have a lot in common. DMM introduced me to his mom and I knew some of his siblings before I even met him. When we went into our R they all knew it and while they thought a lot of me, they thought a lot of his then W as well. His mom actually created a dday when she told his W we were seeing each other. I understand how being close to the family feels and how sometimes there are some things you're not part of.

 

DMM told me from the start he wasn't leaving and he didn't - until I ended the A and walked totally away. I spent almost 3 years apart from him. In that time he tried to make it work, accepted it wouldn't, went through counseling, left, contacted me, and now we're together. As someone said it's a crap shoot whether or not you end up together but you'll have to do something to make the change. Be ready to end it totally. Expect nothing from him.

 

The one thing I can say is totally different is the lie at the beginning. To me that would be totally unacceptable.

 

The whole thing about sex 3 times a week reminded me about DMMs W. At one point she was doing her best to convince me what an active sex life they had but in doing so was telling me times and places that I knew for a fact he was not with her. Don't let that eat you up. Don't believe they don't have sex because that'd be lying to yourself but don't put more stock into it than necessary. Redheaded Mistress put it very well in her post.

 

I can almost guarantee he won't walk away and I can also almost guarantee you will. When you do lean on the posters in here. They will help you immensely.

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Well OP we have a lot in common. DMM introduced me to his mom and I knew some of his siblings before I even met him. When we went into our R they all knew it and while they thought a lot of me, they thought a lot of his then W as well. His mom actually created a dday when she told his W we were seeing each other. I understand how being close to the family feels and how sometimes there are some things you're not part of.

 

DMM told me from the start he wasn't leaving and he didn't - until I ended the A and walked totally away. I spent almost 3 years apart from him. In that time he tried to make it work, accepted it wouldn't, went through counseling, left, contacted me, and now we're together. As someone said it's a crap shoot whether or not you end up together but you'll have to do something to make the change. Be ready to end it totally. Expect nothing from him.

 

The one thing I can say is totally different is the lie at the beginning. To me that would be totally unacceptable.

 

The whole thing about sex 3 times a week reminded me about DMMs W. At one point she was doing her best to convince me what an active sex life they had but in doing so was telling me times and places that I knew for a fact he was not with her. Don't let that eat you up. Don't believe they don't have sex because that'd be lying to yourself but don't put more stock into it than necessary. Redheaded Mistress put it very well in her post.

 

I can almost guarantee he won't walk away and I can also almost guarantee you will. When you do lean on the posters in here. They will help you immensely.

 

Did you talk to your MM during these 3 years? Or not at all? What was that, that made him leave in the end? Bad marriage, grown kids, or a desire to have you?... Three years is a long time, you never stopped loving him?

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The woman has never worked a day in herlife and he is still supporting her.

 

AYFKM? Does she wash his clothes, pay his bills, cook his food, mow the lawn,wash the floor, did she stay up all night with their sick kids so he didn’thave to, taxi their kids to school events, did he have to pay for day care, wasshe a good mother to his kids, love and nuture them, change the bed sheets andhave sex with him whenever he wanted, did she cheat on him while he was working????

 

 

Did you have kids? Did they go to daycare while you were at work? Who took care of them?

 

You have no right to judge her just because she “neverworked a day in her lie”

Edited by Ruffian1
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Suz,

 

 

Think about this guy for a moment. He's been with a woman for 30 years and had/raised children with her. Yet, he never married her? Really? That says so much more about him than about their relationship.

 

 

Also, he's making no moves to separate his life. He's giving you - and possibly her - lots of words but no actions.

 

 

It's going to hurt, but I really think it's time to walk away. Anyone who is willing to lie to you in the beginning to get you into a relationship with you isn't the person for you. Again, think about that. Someone was willing to lie to you to play on your emotions to get you to get involved with him. Who does that? Really? What kind of man does that?

 

 

I get being single and looking for a partner. I certainly went through that process myself. But, I think you should consider only those guys as a partner who are willing to give you the same that they're going to ask from you. So, if someone is willing to lie and manipulate you as well as not offer you the same fidelity that you're prepared to offer him.

 

 

Good luck! I wish you all the best.

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What you all say is true, I know...but so very hard to read. A part of me wants to say "but you don't know him like I do", but you are all so very right. I don't know if I'm strong enough to leave him. I want so badly to believe he does love me and he means well but doesn't know how to fix this mess. I'm so torn. But yes, you are all very right. I know this.

 

So what now?

 

What do you intend to do to change this situation?

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Now he just finds excuse after excuse to not be with me. Our only communication is by phone all week, and seeing each other at the club twice a week with a group of other people. I am tired of begging him to see me and I refuse to do it anymore! He knows I am unhappy and he's even told me he feels bad that he doesn't have time for me in his busy schedule.

 

It's not really your choice anymore, is it? He's dumped you already.

 

If you hang on to someone who won't make time for you, regardless of the situation, it's pathetic.

 

He's letting you go, you need to let him go too. If he wanted to see you, he would.

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