spiderowl Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 I am wondering did anyone who got into an affair ever ask for proof of the MM/MW's circumstances? If he/she said they was sleeping in a separate room, waiting for something to happen before they could leave, etc. Did you accept this or ask for proof? If you did ask for proof, what was offered in response? Link to post Share on other sites
Lovelysweet2 Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 I am wondering did anyone who got into an affair ever ask for proof of the MM/MW's circumstances? If he/she said they was sleeping in a separate room, waiting for something to happen before they could leave, etc. Did you accept this or ask for proof? If you did ask for proof, what was offered in response? The MM I was involved with said they were separated and had nothing in common, and butted heads in how they raised children etc. I looked into it and they had different last names and lived at the time momentarily in different states. The truth soon came out, and I made poor choices, and continued, thinking it was a stale relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 Lol what proof can they supply that they sleep in another room? Pictures? Unless it is from the wife's lips, you are just getting what they choose to tell you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiderowl Posted October 12, 2014 Author Share Posted October 12, 2014 The MM I was involved with said they were separated and had nothing in common, and butted heads in how they raised children etc. I looked into it and they had different last names and lived at the time momentarily in different states. The truth soon came out, and I made poor choices, and continued, thinking it was a stale relationship. It looks like you tried to find out whether he was telling the truth. It sounds like he didn't offer proof though so much as you went searching for it. Shouldn't someone who is married and who is trying to get into a relationship with an unattached person provide proof if their relationship really has finished to all intents and purposes? Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 How do you prove you are Not having sex with someone? It's difficult for me to think of what 'substantiated proof' one could provide given the state of an A in which one person (the person you are trusting ) is already a proven liar. Yeesh. I just don't know. I've read here of sexless M's that was part of the excuse for an A and I've read here where the MM lied about it. good luck in your pursuit OP* My wish for you is to find a way out of even having questions like this from A drama* 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovelysweet2 Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 (edited) It looks like you tried to find out whether he was telling the truth. It sounds like he didn't offer proof though so much as you went searching for it. Shouldn't someone who is married and who is trying to get into a relationship with an unattached person provide proof if their relationship really has finished to all intents and purposes? In hindsight, yes. Today, I would not date someone even if they could show proof of legal separation. It is not worth the instability. He said they were separated, so I did not look at it then as he was married man or in a union. I looked into it, and was trusting. I learned my lesson. Edited October 12, 2014 by Lovelysweet2 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 D is to be final 11/7. We live a part. He has neen here almost everyday and we are still scromping like bunnies (through tomorrow*). And I mean like 2 & 3 times/day. This is why I will not date or get to know another sould until after 11/7. Too much DRAMA and I'd feel like I was cheating. Not to mention the full court press he has laid on me as of this past week. Just be careful cause std's abound where you least expect them... yick, right? ...lol* no proof, no pu$$y 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 I am wondering did anyone who got into an affair ever ask for proof of the MM/MW's circumstances? If he/she said they was sleeping in a separate room, waiting for something to happen before they could leave, etc. Did you accept this or ask for proof? No, but perhaps I should have. It is laughable in retrospect. He used to send me "selfies" of himself sleeping on the couch. He'd go out of his way to try and convince me of his "roommate" lifestyle...he protested too much. I'm not sure there is any real proof that can be supplied of such living arrangements unless you speak with the spouse and he/she confirms...but that would pretty much explode things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 How do you prove you are Not having sex with someone? Variation on the old door trick. Put a piece of invisible tape on the penis. If it has come undone by the next time you see him, then he probably had sex. Or, sprinkle some baby powder on it and look at the impressions next time you see him. Probably do both. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 I didn't ask for proof, but I didn't really need it. I knew that what he was saying about his marriage was true, and I'd heard her say the same and worse. The rocky state of their marriage wasn't a secret. Regardless, he's an honest person and so am I, despite the affair. We never lied to each other and we said if we got to a point where we lied to each other about anything, then there was no point in being together. We did then and do now tell each other everything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 My "proof" was tied to the agreement we put together at the start of our relationship. So, no, I was not looking for pictures of separate rooms, but "proof" of availability, inclusion, divorce, etc. I never really questioned things at home. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 No. I know he's married...I'm married too... And married men Like to have sex with their wives. When they can.... I assumed going into this that MM has sex with his wife whenever he gets the opportunity.... No matter what he tells me about the state of their sex life. I don't need to know anymore than that. I don't ask the questions so he doesn't feel the need to lie to me about it. In any case... I believe you can assume at a minimum that he probably has sex with his wife on birthdays, anniversaries, vacations and any other number of special occasions. At a minimum. In my experience, the definitions of 'sexless' varies from one person to another. I suggest if you can't live with that then you probably aren't cut out for an affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 I am wondering did anyone who got into an affair ever ask for proof of the MM/MW's circumstances? If he/she said they was sleeping in a separate room, waiting for something to happen before they could leave, etc. Did you accept this or ask for proof? If you did ask for proof, what was offered in response? No. But in my own situation it wasn't a case where he was saying any of those kinds of things so those weren't issues. Since he never expressed any form of unhappiness to me about his relationship I did ask one day because I was curious and he told me the relationship was fine, it has its ups and downs like all relationships, I was surprised. I asked if he loved her, he said yes, I was crushed. He added that he loved me too and the two had nothing to do with each other. So that was his mindset so he didn't really speak negatively about his relationship the A also wasn't built around an idea of him leaving or anything like that so there were very little if any situations which required me to seek proof. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 No. But in my own situation it wasn't a case where he was saying any of those kinds of things so those weren't issues. Since he never expressed any form of unhappiness to me about his relationship I did ask one day because I was curious and he told me the relationship was fine, it has its ups and downs like all relationships, I was surprised. I asked if he loved her, he said yes, I was crushed. He added that he loved me too and the two had nothing to do with each other. So that was his mindset so he didn't really speak negatively about his relationship the A also wasn't built around an idea of him leaving or anything like that so there were very little if any situations which required me to seek proof. This is my experience also... Except he told me day 1 he loves his wife... And I can accept that. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 (edited) Variation on the old door trick. Put a piece of invisible tape on the penis. If it has come undone by the next time you see him, then he probably had sex. Or, sprinkle some baby powder on it and look at the impressions next time you see him. Probably do both. Or it means he doesn't take a shower. Ewwww. In any event proving if you and another person do or don't have sex is a very difficult thing unless one keeps a sex log signed by a notary public or something lol. That particular issue is something I don't see why people trouble themselves over. In my A anyway, I guess there was no declaration of no sex so I assumed it happened. Did I like to think of it? No. But did I stress myself out worrying about it? No. I knew I had no way of controlling that and in the larger scheme of things if you accept the person has a wife/SO, family, sleeps in someone else's bed every night and a whole chunk of their life which you aren't involved in firsthand, then the sex part seems like just another thing (although maybe in the question asked it's based on the MM who say none of those things occur). If you can accept or at least tolerate those other things though then I don't see why the sex aspect should be so upsetting. Of course it made me jealous to know he had sex with someone else...but that was never the thing I was most jealous about. I felt more hurt or upset about imagining conversations they had, jokes they shared, places they went and just those regular small intimacies of a relationship and I had more arguments with him about that than thinking about sex. Although we did get into an argument over sex once because I told him to enjoy his sex-filled weekend once and he felt I was "throwing it in his face" when he tried to "protect my feelings" and I told him I didn't think stating the obvious was considered throwing it in his face and he is going to be having sex that weekend probably and won't be having a bad time doing so so I don't see how I'm hurting him by pointing it out. Edited October 13, 2014 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 I've never asked although l've been curious. My MM and his W are over a decade older than me and from what I know of her, she's very straight, a pure vanilla maybe. Me and MM are in a D/s relationship so the dynamics are entirely different. I avoid her at all cost but don't feel threatened in any way. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 Their is no telling for sure on what he does with her. To be truthful I would be more afraid that someday he could do the same to me as he is her. He is obviously sneaky these are the things you watch for when you meet a person. Do not believe everything he says and remember what you see wrong in the beginning is a sign of what they will be like in the relationship. Their warning signs to me Good Luck 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiderowl Posted October 13, 2014 Author Share Posted October 13, 2014 My "proof" was tied to the agreement we put together at the start of our relationship. So, no, I was not looking for pictures of separate rooms, but "proof" of availability, inclusion, divorce, etc. I never really questioned things at home. Is 'availability' proof? It does become obvious something's not right when someone disappears from contact for large patches of the evening or weekends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiderowl Posted October 13, 2014 Author Share Posted October 13, 2014 I ask because I got chatting to this guy who fairly quickly confessed he was married. His marriage is over. They are waiting to complete on the house so they can separate properly. They have separate bedrooms. He sounds fairly genuine but I know this is how women get roped-in to affairs, by believing the guy. I don't know and so I can't trust. I decided it wasn't worth the risk, despite him being the most interesting guy I've chatted to in ages. I feel bereft but I don't want to be taken for a fool. I know it's not possible to get proof of such separations in the marital home but wondered if anyone had asked for it or been given any proof. Surely someone has had doubts that their MM/MW was telling them the truth? Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 Well, the proof on that one is easy to come by. You can wait and see if what he says pans out, and if it does you shouldn't have to wait too long. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiderowl Posted October 13, 2014 Author Share Posted October 13, 2014 That's true RedheadedMistress but I like the sound of him far too much and I know it's dangerous for me to stay in touch. He went 'out of touch' for a day and that was enough to let me know what I was in for if I kept up contact. Damn! Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 What does he say his relationship is with her? Amicable? Not amicable? Kids? No kids? Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiderowl Posted October 13, 2014 Author Share Posted October 13, 2014 What does he say his relationship is with her? Amicable? Not amicable? Kids? No kids? Hasn't really said except she goes out a lot and he's on his own most weekends. So I suppose distant? No kids. Regardless, even if he was telling the truth and if he was genuinely interested in me, I'd probably only be a 'stepping stone' to tide him over until the separation and then he'll want to go out and sow his wild oats. There are so many stages for a person who is separating to go through until they are really emotionally free and know what they want. I'd be very doubtful of anyone in his situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 Is 'availability' proof? It does become obvious something's not right when someone disappears from contact for large patches of the evening or weekends. It really depends. For me yes. But I am not sure if my proof is the same here. What do you mean by "something not right"? Not right towards me, towards the general public, towards his family? I had a very clearly lined out agreement between us with certain things that both sides needed to hit to move the relationship that we agreed we wanted it into. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 I ask because I got chatting to this guy who fairly quickly confessed he was married. His marriage is over. They are waiting to complete on the house so they can separate properly. They have separate bedrooms. He sounds fairly genuine but I know this is how women get roped-in to affairs, by believing the guy. I don't know and so I can't trust. I decided it wasn't worth the risk, despite him being the most interesting guy I've chatted to in ages. I feel bereft but I don't want to be taken for a fool. I know it's not possible to get proof of such separations in the marital home but wondered if anyone had asked for it or been given any proof. Surely someone has had doubts that their MM/MW was telling them the truth? In this case I would ask to see the paperwork that he is starting the separation paperwork. And if they are both on the same page then you being present shouldn't be a big deal. Ask to speak to his wife and see how he reacts. Link to post Share on other sites
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