looking for a safe place

[Blackknight]

Almost two years ago I started a short but passionate affair. It ended and I confessed. We did everything right. Now here I am being wooed by my xMM again. Anyone else fall back in?

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

No, but realized I never had anything to fall back into. Though the closest thing I have had is with my SM. During our friendship year of being online acquaintances. I felt things that I was not sure of, as usually I keep a fair distance with online people.

 

She really felt genuine in her ways (seemed older by common sense and rational), though I always felt she was keeping things safe and simple. We both were able to see past our smokescreens. Yet, because I thought she was much younger, it was best to part ways before things were too much. She was very accepting and understood, yet I felt something beyond my feelings, and came back to her in contact the next day.

 

It was not about expectations, nor any attraction that one can place value to. It was as if I was feeling their thoughts, and I realized even though we are limited by being able to see each other face to face, and have a wide age gap, that all the limitations were not so anymore. Whether or not we'd see each other or have anything in the long run, I was willing to share without restraint. She was feeling the same in every way about what we'd share together and how we go about our relationship.

 

Ever since that day, we grew and grew in our relationship. Even when I thought we have gone as far as the stars, there has been even further we have been together, and seems so limitless.

Edited October 10, 2014 by sdrawkcaB ssA

[A.Moscote]

Of course many have fall back in, so be careful and don't rely too much on your heart and emotion, there are easily swayed.

 

It is expected here that you have gave him a firm and clear rejection, haven't you?.

 

Contrary to sdraw's, I think usually there are a lot of things in an affair to fall back on to. Be aware of it all, control yourself and be more proactive to avoid it again.

 

Since you have confessed, then you should have a real ally there by your side to repel this. Be open and help each other.

[goodyblue]

Hi. Could you be more specific about what you would like to happen? Are you trying to get back into the affair (not recommended) or to make him stop? Or to help you control your reaction to it?

[BetrayedH]

The formula for not getting sucked back in is in maintaining strict No Contact. Your xMM can't woo you if he can't reach you.

 

Your betrayed partner has given you quite a gift if they are reconciling with you. Will you punish them again for their trust in you? You did an honorable thing by confessing your affair the first time. I'd stick with it. You won't be proud of yourself if you don't, nor will much of anyone else.

[Blackknight]

Hi. Could you be more specific about what you would like to happen? Are you trying to get back into the affair (not recommended) or to make him stop? Or to help you control your reaction to it?

 

I will give a little back story if that helps. I was a virgin when I married my husband. We get a long well and enjoyed a great sex life I thought but it had problems. He has issues with smells and being dirty and I have trouble with arousel, penetration, and climax (sorry for the tmi!). His sex drive became very low and mine stayed very high after children. I accepted this as a normal phase and my fault. I was not looking for anything on the side. After a year of little sex (I tried not to count but so you have a number it was less than 5 times) I met this man. He was sexy and funny and we hit it off. We became friends openly but secretly we talked in appropriately. Not about our spouses but dirty talk. We also talked about our dreams and interests. We ended up in bed together less than five times. But then we had a fight and ended things. For the first time my husband asked me a question and I had never told a straight lie so I confessed everything right down to the tiniest detail. I felt awful and sick inside. And for anyone who has went through being caught or confessing I don't need to tell you how f'd up the next year and a half was. It didn't help we are all in the same friend circle. Or I should say were.

 

I replaced my attraction with hatred and repulsion and then indifference. I went to a shrink who was very anti affairs and worked on lots of things. I did everything I could for my poor husband. I love him so very much and he is amazing and a far better person than me.

 

And then out of the blue xMM contacts me. I told my husband right away and didn't reply. But I was curious what he had to say. He had thrown me under the bus in the worst way possible. Maybe an apology? In the end he contacted me again one night late and we talked. He flirted with me and I did not respond to i but ignored. And thus the line of communication was opened.

 

We have restarted the affair but with no actual physical contact. As soon as I let go of the hatred i felt everything from before. And he told me he loved me for the first time. And I do love him. Not in a way where I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But in those quiet times over the last year and half I would get an ache when I remembered him. And I would push it away.

 

So I know I am crazy but here I am. I guess I was pnly wanting to get it out and see if anyone else has restarted an affair.

 

And I know everyone will say set my husband free of me. But I am too weak to do that. I love him and I want him. I can't lose him.

[Blackknight]

The formula for not getting sucked back in is in maintaining strict No Contact. Your xMM can't woo you if he can't reach you.

 

Your betrayed partner has given you quite a gift if they are reconciling with you. Will you punish them again for their trust in you? You did an honorable thing by confessing your affair the first time. I'd stick with it. You won't be proud of yourself if you don't, nor will much of anyone else.

 

It's too late for that. I say sucked back in but I realize for everyone here I am back in. Just not physically. So it is a little late for that. I don't think I can change. I did everything right but here I am.

[ComingInHot]

Blacknight wrote: "I am being wooed by my xMM again"

 

Only if you allow it Hon... What are YOU doing to STOP him? Just from you're opening statement, I don't think you are necessarily trying very hard to make him Go Away.

 

Instead of falling back in. Let Your own Husband know this guy is trying to get in your knickers again and then you Both can handle this MM together, united. Makes for some pretty good bonding*

[goodyblue]

Okay. Here is the thing, you are going to hear from others who were the betrayed ones in the affair and they will tell you that you should go to your husband and let him know what is happening. Honestly, i dont know if that is good advice because you say you want to.stay with your hubby and if he finds out this is going on again he is quite likely to leave. You say you want to stay with your husband but this ongoing affair is not showing that at all. You need to really look at what you want before doing anything. The fact is that a lot of affairs are discovered. If your husband found out what was happening what would he do? Take inventory of what is best for you and also your husband. The relationship i am in now began as an affair. It pretty much destroyed his ex wife and they had only a roommate situation going on at home. I guess my point is, you can't keep this up forever, someone is going to get hirt regardless so it is up to you to make the best decision you can for you.

 

Take all things into xonsideration: can you live out your life with dysfunctional sex? Can you live with a partner who you love but are not in love with? And what about him? If the cheating is going to continue is it fair to keep him in the dark? Only you know the answers. People will sway you if they can, tell you.what they think is right. I am going to tell you that it will help to get different points of view here but ultimately it is up to you.

 

I truly wish you strength and peace at this time. You will need it in the days to come.

[Blackknight]

Okay. Here is the thing, you are going to hear from others who were the betrayed ones in the affair and they will tell you that you should go to your husband and let him know what is happening. Honestly, i dont know if that is good advice because you say you want to.stay with your hubby and if he finds out this is going on again he is quite likely to leave. You say you want to stay with your husband but this ongoing affair is not showing that at all. You need to really look at what you want before doing anything. The fact is that a lot of affairs are discovered. If your husband found out what was happening what would he do? Take inventory of what is best for you and also your husband. The relationship i am in now began as an affair. It pretty much destroyed his ex wife and they had only a roommate situation going on at home. I guess my point is, you can't keep this up forever, someone is going to get hirt regardless so it is up to you to make the best decision you can for you.

 

Take all things into xonsideration: can you live out your life with dysfunctional sex? Can you live with a partner who you love but are not in love with? And what about him? If the cheating is going to continue is it fair to keep him in the dark? Only you know the answers. People will sway you if they can, tell you.what they think is right. I am going to tell you that it will help to get different points of view here but ultimately it is up to you.

 

I truly wish you strength and peace at this time. You will need it in the days to come.

 

Thank you so much for this. I know you are right. I have no plan right now. O think I am in shock at myself. It is like my first affair wqs me jumping into a pigpen to play. It didn't take me long to be covered in filth and sh*t. And then I climbed out and let my husband no How filthy I was. I was stood in front of everyone and stripped naked and hosed off. I finally was clean or we all thought I was given some new clothes and was "worthy" again. And then suddenly the pigpen was in front of me again and instead of walking away I jumped back in. And even though I haven't dived right in... i am filthy again. So, I know I won't tell my husband this time. Stay or go, he won't hear it from me unless he asks. But resisting MM is another story. He apparently is my drug and I am too stupid to say no.

[goodyblue]

I know the feeling of not being able to say no very well. I think our scenario was very different from yours. We always planned to be together full time where you seem to be saying you dont see yourself wanting that with your AP. It sounds like you love your husband. Have you thought of therapy or both.of you to address the issues in your marriage, even a dr. Appt to deal with the sexual issues? That is where i would start if i wanted to save it.

[DKT3]

I feel this is the same as most MW in affairs. You really don't want to be with your husband, but you doubt you could be with the MOM so you do nothing, you make no decision in the hopes that you can maintain both relationships.

 

I would normally say fess up, but that isn't going to happen, you've been there and made all the it will never happen again promises. Yet here it is going again.

 

So when your husband finds out your marriage will end. He will think you never stopped the affair and there will be no way to prove or convince him it hasn't been. You say that isn't what you want, but your actions say different. You can't be alittle bit in an affair, physical being with held won't make it any better.

 

One of the things I like to bring to attention isn't so much how your husband will deal with this information (I pretty sure how he will) but how you will deal with the actual end of your marriage. Its a lot different when it happens. Splitting time with kids, watching him go from pain to happy as new women enter his life, then having those other women play a role in your childrens life. These are things that the selfishness of affairs blind you to.

 

Your credit is most likely used up, you still have a say in how your story ends. Either you stop the affair and focus on your marriage (fixing the sexual issues) or to continue it and risk losing the marriage, the husband, half the time with your kids, your way of life.

 

Is it really worth that price? Only you can answer that question. However payment will come due.

[ComingInHot]

Okay. So, here's the thing, you are going to hear from individuals who have been betrayed as well as those who are cheating as well as those who have cheated as well as those who have enabled the A.

You say you want to stay with Your Husband but have you asked yourself why that is when you are continuing to cheat?

If Your Husband found out through another source than You what do you think he would do?

Take inventory and figure out what is best for You because you know you cannot decide what is best for someone else - even if that someone else is Your Husband.

I guess my point is, Regardless from which side of the A 'fence', continuing down the path you're going is not healthy for you or Anyone else involved including children (if any) and in-laws and parents etc... People, most likely more than one, are going to be hurt.

 

People will sway you if they can depending on their own experience. Don't let them. Take the truths from each and put together an authentic plan for You, no matter what you choose.

 

You do need a plan and it may take some time to develop one. Read here, talk to a trusted someone and begin. One day at a time.

 

Be good to yourself & those whom you love*

[Blackknight]

I know the feeling of not being able to say no very well. I think our scenario was very different from yours. We always planned to be together full time where you seem to be saying you dont see yourself wanting that with your AP. It sounds like you love your husband. Have you thought of therapy or both.of you to address the issues in your marriage, even a dr. Appt to deal with the sexual issues? That is where i would start if i wanted to save it.

 

We have been in Couple's counselling but as we are very good at communication the counseller felt it was time for us to seek a sex therapist. But my Husband is far too private of a person for that and so we have worked on it ourselves. It is much better. We are probably at about two times a month sometimes more. And I am on medication that lowers sex drive (though not enough). I want him very bad. He is f*cking sexy. And he finds me sexy as well. I have lost all my baby weight and am pre baby again. And we ate looking into surgery to fix me up as I gained 90lbs and have the saggy skin to prove it.

 

I do love him and thank you so much for not telling me otherwise. I know I should stop this thing with MM and get myself out of the pig pen again on my own. I really am a terrible person.

[Blackknight]

I feel this is the same as most MW in affairs. You really don't want to be with your husband, but you doubt you could be with the MOM so you do nothing, you make no decision in the hopes that you can maintain both relationships.

 

I would normally say fess up, but that isn't going to happen, you've been there and made all the it will never happen again promises. Yet here it is going again.

 

So when your husband finds out your marriage will end. He will think you never stopped the affair and there will be no way to prove or convince him it hasn't been. You say that isn't what you want, but your actions say different. You can't be alittle bit in an affair, physical being with held won't make it any better.

 

One of the things I like to bring to attention isn't so much how your husband will deal with this information (I pretty sure how he will) but how you will deal with the actual end of your marriage. Its a lot different when it happens. Splitting time with kids, watching him go from pain to happy as new women enter his life, then having those other women play a role in your childrens life. These are things that the selfishness of affairs blind you to.

 

Your credit is most likely used up, you still have a say in how your story ends. Either you stop the affair and focus on your marriage (fixing the sexual issues) or to continue it and risk losing the marriage, the husband, half the time with your kids, your way of life.

 

Is it really worth that price? Only you can answer that question. However payment will come due.

 

I agree with a lot of what you have to say but you are wrong. I want to be with my husband. MM is not a nice or good person. And not just because he cheats on his wife, I am doing that to. But in other areas of his life. But besides throwing me under the bus which I deserved he has always been kind to me. So don't think everything is the same for everyone. Me enjoying sexual attention from another man does not equal me wanting a life together.

 

And as someone who had went through the aftermath of a discovered affair I know everything too well. And that is why I am a terrible person Myself. I am weak. Very weak.

[Blackknight]

Okay. So, here's the thing, you are going to hear from individuals who have been betrayed as well as those who are cheating as well as those who have cheated as well as those who have enabled the A.

You say you want to stay with Your Husband but have you asked yourself why that is when you are continuing to cheat?

If Your Husband found out through another source than You what do you think he would do?

Take inventory and figure out what is best for You because you know you cannot decide what is best for someone else - even if that someone else is Your Husband.

I guess my point is, Regardless from which side of the A 'fence', continuing down the path you're going is not healthy for you or Anyone else involved including children (if any) and in-laws and parents etc... People, most likely more than one, are going to be hurt.

 

People will sway you if they can depending on their own experience. Don't let them. Take the truths from each and put together an authentic plan for You, no matter what you choose.

 

You do need a plan and it may take some time to develop one. Read here, talk to a trusted someone and begin. One day at a time.

 

Be good to yourself & those whom you love*

 

I realize a lot of people come from a lot of different perspectives. And some of them are just wrong for what I am thinking/feeling. But you are right I need a plan. I just can't believe I threw the gift of reconcilin away so easily. Only one other time MM tried to engage me when we ran in to each other. And I shut him down faster than anything and told my husband right away.

[goodyblue]

We have been in Couple's counselling but as we are very good at communication the counseller felt it was time for us to seek a sex therapist. But my Husband is far too private of a person for that and so we have worked on it ourselves. It is much better. We are probably at about two times a month sometimes more. And I am on medication that lowers sex drive (though not enough). I want him very bad. He is f*cking sexy. And he finds me sexy as well. I have lost all my baby weight and am pre baby again. And we ate looking into surgery to fix me up as I gained 90lbs and have the saggy skin to prove it.

 

I do love him and thank you so much for not telling me otherwise. I know I should stop this thing with MM and get myself out of the pig pen again on my own. I really am a terrible person.

 

You are not a terrible person. We make errors, we are human. Just fix it the best you can. I honeatly believe we are all just trying to be happy and that we sometimes do things we regret in that journey. Just go.forward and do better.

 

I do agree with ComingInHot. Have a plan. And when i said you would hear from all sides of the affair i think i meant what she did... take what helps and leave the rest. I completely resented the betrayed spouses on this forum for some time, still get feisty about some of their advice, but will admit that they did help me very much in seeing the pain i had helped cause with my guy's ex. And it is monumental. I will admit i still wish she would go away and stop ruining her own life, but i am glad i at least am able to take some rezponsibility in it. I am sure i will get better about it as time goes, but like i said i am doing the best i can. So are you. I would hate to see you lose a marriage that can be saved if you want to save it. Chin up.

[Sub]

Has your H ever considered confronting the MM? It's obvious that, as much as you may still have feelings for this guy, he's the one who's been initiating these reconnections. Having told your H about the last time, it would serve you and your M well to be just as honest again.

[ComingInHot]

It is hard when your heart is sincerely torn between 2 men. I have been there (not in your capacity) but I understand to some degree.

 

The only thing I CAN offer is my perspective and experience in a respectful and kind manner and I truly hope it helps.

 

You can ask all sides of an A and at the end of the day, most will say that once they got to the point whether with or without their AP or Spouse that living honest and authentically was much better than living within the A. I hope that turns out to be the same for you as well

 

CIH*

[DKT3]

I agree with a lot of what you have to say but you are wrong. I want to be with my husband. MM is not a nice or good person. And not just because he cheats on his wife, I am doing that to. But in other areas of his life. But besides throwing me under the bus which I deserved he has always been kind to me. So don't think everything is the same for everyone. Me enjoying sexual attention from another man does not equal me wanting a life together.

 

And as someone who had went through the aftermath of a discovered affair I know everything too well. And that is why I am a terrible person Myself. I am weak. Very weak.

 

Not wanting a long term relationship with other man isn't the same as wanting to be with your husband, nor does it mean you don't love your husband.

 

I never doubted my wifes love for me, even after her affair came to my attention. We had issues, her thinking I never made her number 1 and me thinking I always did. I worked too much traveled a ton and was at best an OK dad. She loved me, but at the time she got involved it wasn't enough.

 

What I'm saying is, I don't doubt you love your husband, I don't doubt you in your own way think that you can remain married through this affair. Almost as if one has nothing to do with the other. The problem is it does, in order to maintain a marriage in bad shape it takes closeness, you can be close while hiding this. It creates a distance. You are knowingly doing something where you have already seen the pain. So your words say "I want my husband" actions say I want OM. Your risking it all for something you say you don't want, but doing the wrong things for what you claim to want.

 

So am I really wrong? Or are you not facing your truth?

[whichwayisup]

It's too late for that. I say sucked back in but I realize for everyone here I am back in. Just not physically. So it is a little late for that. I don't think I can change. I did everything right but here I am.

 

You didn't do it all right, otherwise you'd not let exMM back into your life and your marriage would be number one.

 

I suggest you find a marriage counselor to work with you and your husband together, confess to your H the latest on the A starting up again. If you don't come clean, chances are very high your H will find out on his own.

 

And I know everyone will say set my husband free of me. But I am too weak to do that. I love him and I want him. I can't lose him.

 

But you also want exMM. Is that true love? Selfish love? Ego feed love? Obsession love? Is going down that path again worth losing what you have now?

 

You can't have it both ways. End your affair and reinvest in your husband and marriage or get a divorce, do set your H free.

[2sunny]

You may not be a terrible person - but your actions are hurtful to others.

 

Is a person defined by their actions?

 

 

If what you are doing makes you feel like a terrible person - then stop doing the action that invokes that feeling.

 

Your H gave you a second chance and you are ruining it.

 

How about honesty to him - so Your husband can make an educated decision about what HE wants?

 

I'm sure he deserves that at the minimum!

[Bittersweetie]

I am weak. Very weak.

 

This statement stood out to me. Are you truly weak? If so, do you know why? Have you thought about the reasons?

 

I'm a fWW, I told my H and we have reconciled. As you know, that time after d-day is really painful and difficult. I had to be strong. For me, for him, for our relationship. I saw his pain every day, and it took all my strength to look in the mirror, face the consequences of my choices, and work on myself.

 

It took strength to tell your H, and I have to wonder why then you are back talking with the xOM...when you admit he's not that great. I would not call that weakness...but it is a sign of something. Do you have trouble saying no to people? Are you passive in general? Is that fact that xOM is "kind" to you trigger something from your past?

 

Think about your plan, think about who you want to be moving forward in life. Do you want to be someone who is a serial cheater? Or do you want to be someone who changed and lives with integrity? It is your choice, all in your hands.

 

Good luck,

BSW

[jellybean89]

I would hate to see you lose a marriage that can be saved if you want to save it. Chin up.

 

But the OP has no desire to save the marriage since she jumped right back into the affair after a few lovey dovey words from the cheater.

 

OP, you didn't do everything right. Everything right would have been to not talk to the man you cheated with.

 

You say you can't change...that's not true. You don't want to change. You want the security of marriage with the excitement of an affair. You want both and that is the definition of a cake eater. I feel sorry for you H..he chose to forgive you and reconcile, and you chose to engage back into the affair. You threw away his trust and belief in you for some married dude who ran over you with a bus.

 

Saying you are weak is an excuse. You are trying to act like the victim, like someone who doesn't have control over themselves. It's an excuse to carry on the affair. Own it.

[DKT3]

As far as OP wanting to save her marriage? Her actions don't match her words. We all know actions thrump words.

 

Claiming weakness is a cop-out. She is strong enough to risk what she claims to want, but not strong enough to save it?

 

OP has the will power and has shown to be strong enough to end the affair and walk away from AP when he contacted her. Now she isn't? More like time has passed and she see an opening and she took it. Does that sound like some that values the marriage?

 

Any time we find ourselves in these types of situation TRUTH is the best light out of a dark place. No matter what side of the affair your on. Once she is honest then she can make the best plans and decisions. Our actions define us, our words define nothing.

Edited October 11, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator