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How do you cope when MM goes on vacay w/W?


RegretfulAlways

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RegretfulAlways

Just found out that MM and his family are on a four day weekend holiday at the sunny beach. Wife just posted happy cocktail photos to FB. Damn FB! I'm surprised - but not surprised - about how much it's bothering me. I guess because he didn't tell me this was going to happen, I just found out about it. Not that he owes me that or anything. We've been on and off in a LD EA for several months now. We're not even that serious, so I have no right to be upset. But I still am.

 

Anyone in an A, what do YOU do when AP goes on a vacation with the family? I mean how do you get your mind off it?

 

It's opening up a whole can of worms in terms of feelings I've been stuffing so as to avoid them. I know it's a mess and I should get out of this A. I'm married, with a child. Total mess and it's all my fault. I know that's pathetic but it's how things are for me at the moment.

 

I dunno, I just felt the need to post here, have people listen and tell me encouraging things... but I'm not sure what encouraging things can be said about my situation. I brought it all on myself.

 

Ugh, guess I just need to vent...

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sdrawkcaB ssA

Hi, my LDR is married and we find ways of sharing holidays away. Sometimes weeks on end. we have always allowed for random times to be available so after our first year of being friends, we did not have any issues with days away. Now that we are SM, we edit out family and share segments of what we do for each other. We both have been places the other has not been, and have stored special locations to be places we'd share together some day. we have a deep bond and connex, so just thinking of wee things can be shared in how we contact each other. we both look forward to away times as we bring the other on our journeys.

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I know it's a mess and I should get out of this A. I'm married, with a child. Total mess and it's all my fault. I know that's pathetic but it's how things are for me at the moment.

 

You may not be able to control your feelings, but you can control your behavior.

 

If you know you should get out, you should ignore your emotions and do what you have to do.

 

This should be a wake up call that you are more invested in this MM than is safe for you.

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How to cope? I reverse situations.

 

Of course im going to take vacations with my family...and he will with his. Thats life. The affair is great, but family time always comes first.

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whichwayisup

Why are you having an affair since you also are married, with a child?

 

Do you and your husband do family outings? Go on trips? You are living life with your husband and family just like MM is living life with his wife and family.

 

Either get detach and stop putting so much emotion into your affair and accept neither of you owe each other anything and it's just selfish fun on the side, or end it. Your MM doesn't need to your permission to go away with his family.

 

Sorry if my words are harsh... you can be upset and hurt by what he's doing all you want, have your feelings hurt but you've invited that pain into your life by having an affair. You aren't first, just like he shouldn't be first in your life.

 

Really think if what you're doing is worth it. Worth losing your family life as you know it if you get caught. Lose the love, full trust and love that your husband feels for you - ALL gone instantly because of your affair.

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I think getting off FB should be first.

 

Is his wife your FB friend? Is he? I would suggest you hide their profiles so you don't see what they're up to. I am so happy during my A my exAP had no social media so that made things A LOT easier as when he wasn't around I had no way of looking in on his life really so that lessened me driving myself crazy by reading into status messages, tweets, looking at pictures etc. If he said he was going away for the weekend, he wouldn't really say it was with her, but I knew that's what he meant. It was a pretend ignorance situation...where no social media and him not outright saying it allowed me to just act like he was away by himself instead of knowing exactly what he's doing and fretting over it.

 

Realistically you know the situation so you should probably choose blissful ignorance, by avoiding the information you don't like OR perhaps being confronted with the reality will help you to think differently about things.

 

I don't have any tips on how to not care or be bothered. Similar to another OW's thread. You can't control how you feel and the odd part of an A is that these feelings of jealousy and so on are NORMAL feelings for people in relationships to have....except when you're in an A you have no outlet for these feelings or you feel they aren't legitimate or there isn't much you can do to change what makes you feel upset, except to just not do it altogether. So it's like you're gonna have the A and choose to be ignorant about certain things (which in my experience was just a form of lying to yourself and stuffing your feelings, as you mentioned, which only works temporarily and isn't really a genuine fix) or realize something's amiss if you're in a situation that makes you feel this way and do something to fix it for real.

Edited by MissBee
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Just found out that MM and his family are on a four day weekend holiday at the sunny beach. Wife just posted happy cocktail photos to FB. Damn FB! I'm surprised - but not surprised - about how much it's bothering me. I guess because he didn't tell me this was going to happen, I just found out about it. Not that he owes me that or anything. We've been on and off in a LD EA for several months now. We're not even that serious, so I have no right to be upset. But I still am.

 

Anyone in an A, what do YOU do when AP goes on a vacation with the family? I mean how do you get your mind off it?

 

It's opening up a whole can of worms in terms of feelings I've been stuffing so as to avoid them. I know it's a mess and I should get out of this A. I'm married, with a child. Total mess and it's all my fault. I know that's pathetic but it's how things are for me at the moment.

 

I dunno, I just felt the need to post here, have people listen and tell me encouraging things... but I'm not sure what encouraging things can be said about my situation. I brought it all on myself.

 

Ugh, guess I just need to vent...

 

 

You poor thing........you know, this is only the beginning. Please listen to your feelings, and realize you will always be benched. Even if he doesn't 'mean to' put family first, it has to come first just by the nature of things. Do you want to just suck it up? That is the requirement if you want to stick with this kind of relation.

 

 

Of course he's not going to tell you about vaca. And about a whole lot of other intimate things. And that's just the way it is, and that's just the way the dynamic flows.

 

There is nothing wrong with you, there is nothing wrong with how you feel......you just have a standard that is sub-standard. You will know what to do when its time........and maybe walking away is the better.

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Redheaded Mistress
Anyone in an A, what do YOU do when AP goes on a vacation with the family? I mean how do you get your mind off it?

 

I think mine only did it once... It was after d-day and his wife was in the "let's fix this" mindset. He came home from work and she had packed their bags and said her parents surprised them with a vacation to the coast. He tried to get out of it, which I don't doubt, but ended up feeling like he had to go because her family was standing right there, pushing them out the door.

 

I recall not handling it well. Lots of tears, not sleeping, and generally being not worth to be around. That was before the "I'm a happy wife with the perfect life" pictures started rolling in on FB. Yet I knew he was staying up all night and playing video games, trying to sleep in the armchair at the hotel, and generally wishing he was anywhere but there.

 

It didn't help.

 

I think what got me through it was just finding something else to fixate on and getting out and going to the coast (a different place, of course... The coast has always been my place to relax and get away) for a few days too. And I stayed the hell off of social media. I don't even think I posted pictures of my own trip... Though maybe I did, I'm not sure. Overall though, social media is just not our friend in an affair situation. Sometimes we can't help but look, but it never leads to good feelings.

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Poppygoodwill

There's your question, "how do I not feel so bad about this?", and then there's the real problem: you are over invested and heading into the danger zone in terms of being too vulnerable.

 

His weekend away will come to an end, but what about your vulnerability? What to do about that? Where do you think this is heading?

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curiousGeorge2

I would go on a trip with a friend.

 

Last year when I learned my AP was going for a vacation, I hurried to book a vacation for myself and my wife (plus kids) too. It was a nice but surreal trip.

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How did I deal with it? Well, it only happened once and I was so angry that I could not see straight. Every text he sent was met with "You are a giant jerk and need your azz kicked". It was the worst holiday ever for him and thank God he left soon after. I could not have stood another. It sucks and it is just really hard. Chin up.

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Just found out that MM and his family are on a four day weekend holiday at the sunny beach. Wife just posted happy cocktail photos to FB. Damn FB! I'm surprised - but not surprised - about how much it's bothering me. I guess because he didn't tell me this was going to happen, I just found out about it. Not that he owes me that or anything. We've been on and off in a LD EA for several months now. We're not even that serious, so I have no right to be upset. But I still am.

 

Anyone in an A, what do YOU do when AP goes on a vacation with the family? I mean how do you get your mind off it?

 

It's opening up a whole can of worms in terms of feelings I've been stuffing so as to avoid them. I know it's a mess and I should get out of this A. I'm married, with a child. Total mess and it's all my fault. I know that's pathetic but it's how things are for me at the moment.

 

I dunno, I just felt the need to post here, have people listen and tell me encouraging things... but I'm not sure what encouraging things can be said about my situation. I brought it all on myself.

 

Ugh, guess I just need to vent...

 

Everything you feel is normal (you mirror me in your 'who am I to ask? no expectation no rights to question'). Chill and tell yourself, you are probably only a friend to him. Maybe a tiny winy more than friend basis.

I don't know. My girl friend's advice to me today:

Normal friendships last, Affairs don't. What do you prefer?

If that speaks to you as well...

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I found out after the fact that xMM was on vacay with W. We were emailing and sexually flirting with each other late nights and early mornings while he was on vacay and I had no idea he was there. I would not have contacted him otherwise. Still, it said something to me that he was responding right away. He could have waited to respond until he got back home. When I found out afterwards that he was on vacay with W, yes, I was upset about it, but hey, feelings are sometimes irrational.

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Im sorry...I keep coming back to this thread because im truly baffled.

 

When you are an OW you accept you are on the side? That he has other responsibilitites, prioritites - a family. You KNOW this, you accept this. Normal families go on vacation. You are not family.

 

I dont understand the confusion or the anger. You know this is how it goes in affairs....right?

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RegretfulAlways

Sassy Girl, I do know - yes. As you probably suspect this is about more than me simply wanting tips for keeping my mind off it the next few days. It's just one example related to the bigger issue here, which is wtf am I doing in this situation etc etc.

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Um yeah. You're probably not the right person to be in an affair. Start thinking about an exit strategy. He's not yours and probably never will be.

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still_an_Angel

MM and myself compare calendars at least a month ahead so we know how to work around what the other is doing. We both support family time and keep in touch via emai when one is away. I don't ask what he does with his W but love to hear about activities he did with his child. I'm actually more anxious when he goes away on business, I worry more because of accidents, other troubles, etc. whereas i know his W looks after him when they're together.

 

Maybe you're feeling more upset that he did not tell you, more than seeing his wife's posts on fb? Avoid looking at her fb, it's not doing you any good.

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My ex MM went south every year with his wife for two months. So for the last two years, I went through two brutal months of winter pining away for MM. I wasn't jealous of him being with his wife, but I was angry because I felt I should be south with him!!!!!

 

It was brutal. At that time I was obsessed with MM and every day I checked my phone obsessively hoping he would call. I couldn't stand it. I fell into deep depression and had to be hospitalized (not all due to MM, I suffer from seasonal depression anyway and the winters where I live are hard, full of blizzards and 30 centimeters of snow).

 

That's one of the reasons I went NC. I couldn't stand the thought of one more winter with him saying ILY every day and then driving happily down south again in January. If he really loved me he'd leave her and take me to warmer climes.

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Im sorry...I keep coming back to this thread because im truly baffled.

 

When you are an OW you accept you are on the side? That he has other responsibilitites, prioritites - a family. You KNOW this, you accept this. Normal families go on vacation. You are not family.

 

I dont understand the confusion or the anger. You know this is how it goes in affairs....right?

 

No. I never felt that way. As soon as we began the relationship I was not the odd man out, his ex was.

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Summer Breeze
No. I never felt that way. As soon as we began the relationship I was not the odd man out, his ex was.

 

In all honesty I felt the same thing. I never got too wound up about them going on holiday but then again I never let his life be more important than mine. He got a lot more worked up about what I was doing than I was with what he was doing.

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RegretfulAlways

"I never let his life be more important than mine."

 

I'm fascinated by that, Summer Breeze. Can you give examples of what you mean?

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In all honesty I felt the same thing. I never got too wound up about them going on holiday but then again I never let his life be more important than mine. He got a lot more worked up about what I was doing than I was with what he was doing.

 

I was very much the same. I did get wound up, I mean, but what was happening in my life was important and I did not lose sight of that. I would say that both our lives did tip a little though in the direction of making our relationship the only one. I followed Got-It's advice by living my life and if he caught up great, but I was not going to waste my life waiting for him.

Edited by goodyblue
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Redheaded Mistress
Im sorry...I keep coming back to this thread because im truly baffled.

 

When you are an OW you accept you are on the side? That he has other responsibilitites, prioritites - a family. You KNOW this, you accept this. Normal families go on vacation. You are not family.

 

I dont understand the confusion or the anger. You know this is how it goes in affairs....right?

 

Maybe our situation was different... By the time he went on his vacation, the primary relationship was ours. In all honesty, if it hadn't been, there wouldn't have been the vacation.

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I found out after the fact that xMM was on vacay with W. We were emailing and sexually flirting with each other late nights and early mornings while he was on vacay and I had no idea he was there. I would not have contacted him otherwise. Still, it said something to me that he was responding right away. He could have waited to respond until he got back home. When I found out afterwards that he was on vacay with W, yes, I was upset about it, but hey, feelings are sometimes irrational.

 

 

 

Yep, me too. I remember emailing and even talking to exMM all the while he was having a long weekend with the W. The W he claimed he was divorcing. And yes, I figured it out when I looked at her FB and put 2 and 2 together. People are quick to say looking at the FB of wives/mm is "stalking." To me it is a public social media where people put sh*t out there for others to see. For me, this was the wake up call I needed to confront the exMM about his bull and helped me to move on.

 

 

So, I do understand how painful this is for you. If possible, try to move on from it, because it rarely gets better.

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