I'mNotYours Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 I was actually doing ok during thoses almost 3 months of NC with my XMM. I was thinking about him, but I knew it was over and I could and should move on now. Then I started dating. I really wanted/want to find a nice single man. I went out with several men, but neither of them wanted to go on a second date with me. When the last man rejected me, something just clicked. I texted XMM and told him that I'm missing him and asked if he wants to meet. But he hasn't replied. It's been 3 days and I know he won't reply at all. And it just makes me so angry! I feel stupid, pathetic and rejected and with no selfrespect. I'm so angry with him. I'm angry that he's done with me..that he doesn't want me anymore..that he chose to stay with his w and he wants me to stay away. I'm angry that he can just continue his life. That he still has a home and a w. Nothing has changed for him. While I'm single and lonely. I don't like being angry. I see it as a waste of energy. And I also know that the anger is just a cover up for the pain I'm feeling Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 I'm angry that he can just continue his life. That he still has a home and a w. Nothing has changed for him. While I'm single and lonely. I understand that totally. I wish I didn't understand it so well. As time passes though, you will come to realize that the things that are broken in your ex-MM and in his marriage are still broken. So while it seems like he is the winner in all of this and that he lost nothing, the fact is that he gained nothing either. Things weren't good for him before and they aren't good now. Pretty sad state to be in forever, don't you think? On the other hand, you are single and although it doesn't seem like it now, you have many more opportunities to change your life than he does. That may be through meeting someone special (which will eventually happen, if you want it to) or it may be through deciding you are happy being on your own and independent. I know it hurts and I'm sorry. So he didn't respond - lesson learned, now move forward. Right now it might look to you like he is in a better place, but in reality - you are. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
solostand Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 I wish I could think of something to say to make you feel better. Yes, your anger is masking your pain. I think you just need to accept the pain and put one foot in front of the other knowing it WILL get better and you WILL find someone. Three weeks is not long at all. I am NC also for about three weeks, and like you, I have been trying to date. But I've realized I shouldn't be dating anyone right now - I'm too vulnerable and jumping from one man to another does not get you over an ended relationship. Time does. You probably think you are the only woman in the world that is not part of a couple. This is NOT TRUE. I hate seeing happy couples because I am alone, but there are literally millions of people alone. Just look at dating sites. You are not alone. And you will not be alone always, you WILL meet someone who is available and wants you for you. And you cant read MM's mind. For all you know, he's suffering too. And you know deep down in your heart you probably just impulsively reached out because you felt rejected from two dates. Just say you had a little slip there and put it behind you. And cry and scream and punch your pillow for awhile if you have to. So sorry you are going thru this. I do know what it's like. Been there. I have dated but my mind was always on MM so I never went on a second date with anyone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovelysweet2 Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Sorry for your pain, it hurts. I try to look at no contact like this. Who is this man? No contact is telling me this person does not value me. This person will not care one minute, take a time out, if I am sick, not doing well, need a kind hand up. They are not here. They have no care for my well being. They neglected me. It is who they are. Link to post Share on other sites
herself Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 My heart goes out to you. Many of us have been in your shoes so please dont feel alone. Id take comfort in that you reached out because you needed a shoulder...not HIS shoulder per se...but a shoulder. Its human nature. But I think the universe did you a favor by not getting a reply. It wouldn't help you anyways and square one wasn't your desire...comfort was. You needed that final evidence he is a prick to grow cold. It will definately hurt for some time. But not forever and not as long as you may think. Tough through this storm...and he had a window to reply and didnt. So erase the hope from your phone by blocking his number and text. I created a new email as well and told all of my contacts my new email, then deleted the old one. Take heart, a few bad days...but good ones ahead too. No love movies and radio for me...hard rock or silence, even tossed clothes and changed all routines. Taking moving forward SERIOUSLY. I never ever wanna go back again. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 As time passes though, you will come to realize that the things that are broken in your ex-MM and in his marriage are still broken. So while it seems like he is the winner in all of this and that he lost nothing, the fact is that he gained nothing either. Things weren't good for him before and they aren't good now. Pretty sad state to be in forever, don't you think? I know you might have wrote this to make her feel better but I believe that living in truth and honesty are the only way to lead a healthy life. This may or may not be true. Sometimes an A makes married ppl look at what went wrong in the marriage and it propels them to create a better marriage. I know that anger is a stage of healing and sometimes the XOW wants to believe that the MM is living in misery with his wife now that she is out of his life. An affair can be a catalyst to something more beautiful than a couple could ever had imagine. The OP really needs to focus on herself and what lead her to accept being the OW in the first place. What made her think that he would "choose" her and leave his W? If the MM and his W are rebuilding properly, they are doing some deep soul searching and consuming themselves in each other and there is no room any longer for a third person in their marriage. The XOW should be doing the same. She should find healing within herself and enjoy her life and open herself up to find an unavailable man that she doesn't have to share. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'mNotYours Posted October 7, 2014 Author Share Posted October 7, 2014 Thank you all for the comforting words I'm sure I wouldn't have contacted him if I haven't been rejected by the other men. I just needed someone (him) to show me that I still matter and to be reminded that I am worth loving. I hoped he would help me with that, because he once cared for me. I'm not ready to date yet. But I wish I would be. Sometimes I don't think I will ever get over him unless I meet someone new.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'mNotYours Posted October 7, 2014 Author Share Posted October 7, 2014 I know you might have wrote this to make her feel better but I believe that living in truth and honesty are the only way to lead a healthy life. This may or may not be true. Sometimes an A makes married ppl look at what went wrong in the marriage and it propels them to create a better marriage. I know that anger is a stage of healing and sometimes the XOW wants to believe that the MM is living in misery with his wife now that she is out of his life. An affair can be a catalyst to something more beautiful than a couple could ever had imagine. The OP really needs to focus on herself and what lead her to accept being the OW in the first place. What made her think that he would "choose" her and leave his W? If the MM and his W are rebuilding properly, they are doing some deep soul searching and consuming themselves in each other and there is no room any longer for a third person in their marriage. The XOW should be doing the same. She should find healing within herself and enjoy her life and open herself up to find an unavailable man that she doesn't have to share. It would help me to think that he's miserable, but honestly I don't think so. I think he's working on his marriage and maybe it will be even better than before. He never talked badly about his w, and he never seemed unsatisfied with the marriage. I also don't believe that A's only happen in unhappy marriages and it means that the MM/MW doesn't love his/hers partner anymore. So yeah..I do think he's the winner here Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Poor girl. I am so very sorry. This is a horrible horrible position to be in. I hope you can find some peace soon. (Hugs) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovelysweet2 Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 It would help me to think that he's miserable, but honestly I don't think so. I think he's working on his marriage and maybe it will be even better than before. He never talked badly about his w, and he never seemed unsatisfied with the marriage. I also don't believe that A's only happen in unhappy marriages and it means that the MM/MW doesn't love his/hers partner anymore. So yeah..I do think he's the winner here And maybe they are not. Do not give another thought to their dysfunction. You are here to heal, and thinking about their marriage is not going to help you reach that goal. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 As time passes though, you will come to realize that the things that are broken in your ex-MM and in his marriage are still broken. So while it seems like he is the winner in all of this and that he lost nothing, the fact is that he gained nothing either. Things weren't good for him before and they aren't good now. Pretty sad state to be in forever, don't you think? She doesn't know this. Nobody knows this. And it shouldn't matter to her. OP can find her own happiness separate from a MM without hoping his marriage is still broken. Marriages DO get fixed. AP's DO move on and find happiness. These situations can end with everyone involved in a better place than they were pre-A/broken marriage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 I'mNotYours he is not the winner. You are a winner also. Every day you wake up, dress up, do your makeup and look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself how special you are because you are special. So what, the few dates you went on didn't work out. There is a guy out there who is waiting on someone as wonderful as you are. Every day make an effort to remind yourself what a great prize that you are and don't let anyone forget it. Today is the start of a new beginning and new day for you. No more accepting crumbs from some MM table. You deserve only the best. I wish you peace and many blessings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Thank you all for the comforting words I'm sure I wouldn't have contacted him if I haven't been rejected by the other men. I just needed someone (him) to show me that I still matter and to be reminded that I am worth loving. I hoped he would help me with that, because he once cared for me. I'm not ready to date yet. But I wish I would be. Sometimes I don't think I will ever get over him unless I meet someone new.. I'mNotYours, a couple of TRUTHS & FACTS that I feel you could use (because the Truth & Facts are what you need) -You Matter and are worth Loving IN SPITE OF HIM!!! It may not 'feel' like it but it is THE TRUTH & A FACT! -YOU are not the one being Rejected right now BUT it is the TRUTH & A FACT that you are giving off an 'I'm just not ready' vibe no matter how you claim you aren't. When a person is in pain, all the smiles and flirty actions can't mask what is coming across underneath (for most and even then it can't last long because it is exhausting. You know this) -EXmm did Care for you but mostly how you made HIM feel. TRUTH & FACT a him caring for you and how you made him feel will not play a positive role in how you heal from your choices. TRUTH & FACT, you do NOT need him to get through this! Last truth & fact INY, you need to decide that the A with exmm will no longer define who you are today, tomorrow or in the future. The sooner you acknowledge this, the sooner you will be able to deal with the sorrow of a PAST relationship that did not work out. In order to get to the other side of this CR@P, you must go THROUGH it. My Best to you! CIH* 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Thank you all for the comforting words I'm sure I wouldn't have contacted him if I haven't been rejected by the other men. I just needed someone (him) to show me that I still matter and to be reminded that I am worth loving. I hoped he would help me with that, because he once cared for me. I'm not ready to date yet. But I wish I would be. Sometimes I don't think I will ever get over him unless I meet someone new.. That's a lot of responsibility to put on someone, whether it be him or someone else. You need to learn to love yourself and know that you are lovable with the help of good friends and family, those who make you feel happy and cared for. Maybe I'm wrong, but it's like you've not really given yourself that time to fully grieve and be on your own for a while. Ending an A and then getting involved with someone else too quickly can be harmful, especially if lingering feelings are still there for exMM. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 You slipped up and briefly broke NC. OK, now back on the wagon. Longer term, NC is leading you to a happier place, and a sustainable life lived in the sunlight. But for a while, yeah, things are going to feel pretty miserable. That pain can't be minimized or downplayed......it has to be faced, and lived, and you can't go around it, you have to go THROUGH it. So adjust your hipwaders and continue the journey! Hugs. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovelysweet2 Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Love yourself and please get mad. Who cares if the MM is fanning his wife with Palm Leaves and spoon feeding her pineapple. F'ckem. My yippie ki-yay yay of the week. Believe it or not you are better than him. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'mNotYours Posted October 7, 2014 Author Share Posted October 7, 2014 I'm really touched by your posts. They are really helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Love yourself and please get mad. Who cares if the MM is fanning his wife with Palm Leaves and spoon feeding her pineapple. F'ckem. My yippie ki-yay yay of the week. Believe it or not you are better than him. I love this... Follow this and don't let yourself be suckered in... I'mnotyours tomorrow is a new day - go grasp it with both hands. Forgive yourself and keep moving on. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 Stay strong OP, focus on moving forward to a better tomorrow, this is just a temporary break. Chin up! (((hugs))) Link to post Share on other sites
GettingOver Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 You should be happy that he did not respond... I did the same mistake. I guess because my new relationship did not work and I started missing exMM really bad. I contatced him... He responded and is willing to meet. I think it is better for you that he did not respond - you have no chance to be sucked back. For sure it hurts to know that he might be doing well with his W, though I do not think it is so easy as well... From what I've ssen from my xMM's attempts - if it was really bad/dead - all you can reach is an "ok" situation when they can cohabitate as frinds - doesn't sound like enough though. Anyway, good luck, stay strong and you will meet a guy who will want a second date! Also from my experience - if you meet someone now that you will like - but not too much into him - just do not rush. Your feelings to MM might resurface and you will hurt both yourself and the ney guy. If you meet someone that you will really fall for - then go for it! The best way to heal!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Mascara Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 Reading over your past posts, the biggest issue here isn't being addressed. You had an affair with him last year for just a few months. Then you spent longer than the duration of the affair fixated on him until you finally sent him a text in the new year, when he stated he did not want to resume. Months later, he contacted you, and you resumed the affair for a few weeks. Now he's gone again. Is that timeline about right? I'm not minimising your feelings, I'm sure they are very real. But I think the real issue with all of this is WHY you have been so hung up on someone for the last year and a half when the actual relationship itself can be measured in weeks. You need to find ways of leaving this person behind, and counselling can probably help with that. You have a very real chance of putting this behind you at the moment, because the affair was very short lived. But if you don't address it, you're going to fall into a pattern that will last years if you allow it - him coming back for a few weeks, you feeling like crap for months, repeat. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 Welcome to the big wide world of dating. There is no science, sometimes it can be incredibly random. What struck me most about your posts is how you are going on these dates almost looking for a replacement or that guy to come into your life and fill that void..not necessarily the XMM void but just having a partner there. Do you think that's coming across while you're on your dates? Why not go out on these dates and just enjoy yourself. No pressure, no expectations (even though there is always a little expectation before a date..it's the romantic in us all) Just go out and enjoy yourself, be yourself and have fun. p.s Rejection does sting, but remember you are worthy and at the end of the day it's the guy's loss, not yours. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'mNotYours Posted October 8, 2014 Author Share Posted October 8, 2014 Welcome to the big wide world of dating. There is no science, sometimes it can be incredibly random. What struck me most about your posts is how you are going on these dates almost looking for a replacement or that guy to come into your life and fill that void..not necessarily the XMM void but just having a partner there. Do you think that's coming across while you're on your dates? Why not go out on these dates and just enjoy yourself. No pressure, no expectations (even though there is always a little expectation before a date..it's the romantic in us all) Just go out and enjoy yourself, be yourself and have fun. p.s Rejection does sting, but remember you are worthy and at the end of the day it's the guy's loss, not yours. Good luck! I guess and hope that anyone who's dating is searching for a serious relationship (and if not, that he/she will be clear about that). My intention with dating is to find a boyfriend, who will later become my husband and father to my (yet unborn) children. I am enjoying myself on most of the dates, but I'm also a bit tired of all the dates which never turn into second dates. I've met a lot of interesting men, but I want to meet the one now. I don't expect anything anymore..actually I'm almost sure that it will be nothing than a fun night. Getting a second date seems almost impossible. But I think you're right in some of it. I don't like being single and I feel lonely and I'm scared I will be alone for ever. I guess the men can sense that..and they can sense that I'm tired of dating. I want to take a break from dating now. If I meet someone irl that's something else, but online dating is just too hard for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'mNotYours Posted October 8, 2014 Author Share Posted October 8, 2014 Reading over your past posts, the biggest issue here isn't being addressed. You had an affair with him last year for just a few months. Then you spent longer than the duration of the affair fixated on him until you finally sent him a text in the new year, when he stated he did not want to resume. Months later, he contacted you, and you resumed the affair for a few weeks. Now he's gone again. Is that timeline about right? I'm not minimising your feelings, I'm sure they are very real. But I think the real issue with all of this is WHY you have been so hung up on someone for the last year and a half when the actual relationship itself can be measured in weeks. You need to find ways of leaving this person behind, and counselling can probably help with that. You have a very real chance of putting this behind you at the moment, because the affair was very short lived. But if you don't address it, you're going to fall into a pattern that will last years if you allow it - him coming back for a few weeks, you feeling like crap for months, repeat. I have thought a lot about it too. I can't seem to let go, because he's the first men I have ever been REALLY in love with and who seemed like he was in love with me. We had a great time together, and I felt wanted and loved. It was something I was longing for for at long time. Sometimes I have asked myself "Do you really like him? Do you like his personality..his values and choices? Is he a good man?", and it's hard for me to answer. I'm not even sure we would be a good match. But he made me feel something and holding on to him reminds me that someone CAN fall in love with me. But him staying with his w also makes me think that I'm not that great afterall..good enough for sex, but not good enough for a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
onemanband Posted October 8, 2014 Share Posted October 8, 2014 Sorry for your pain but it's best that he didn't get back to you leave well enough Alone don't go back down that dead end street you need to let go that might be the reason the other dates didn't call u back Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts