We made it

[WrinkledForehead]

Brief update, as I have an early class.

 

We've made it together one year after he left her. Statistics say most Rs that start as affairs don't last the year, but we made it.

 

A bit of a backstory: I was the OW in an intense affair with a CM. He had been with BW for 15 years. The A lasted 6 months, and he left her. I was on my way out of the A and it kicked him to action. I just wasn't able to handle the stress. We split for about 6 weeks this summer but never fully disentangled. That huge blowup caused us to assess the things we needed to address and fix.

 

We're both still in therapy. I've made a lot of progress regarding my insecurities and both of us have put a lot of effort into discussing and repairing our trust issues. So, our R hasn't been without it's trials.

 

I'm still so very in love with him. He's a wonderful man to have in my life and I make sure he knows that as often as possible. He's incredibly supportive of me chasing my dreams, which is fundamental, because my dreams require so much of my time and attention.

 

Anyways. The A has still been undisclosed and I am still confident that taking that route, for us, was the best course of action.

 

Much love to those of you still in it, or struggling to leave, or dealing with the loss since you left. My heart goes out to you. I do remember the turmoil the A caused. It's been a significant life lesson.

 

Happy Monday. Please take care of yourself if your heart hurts right now.

[Got it]

WF - thanks for updating. Keep taking care of you and sounds like you have a very good game plan.

[goodyblue]

Congrats! We have been together outside the affair for some time now and things are going well for us too. Therapy was good for us, not so much for trust issues but more because we needed to figure out how to forgive ourselves for our part in the A. Our obstacles are different from yours as our BS found out. We struggle with that dynamic Daly.

 

So happy for you and I hope that things continue to go well!!

[GoldenAxe]

Effin congrats!!!! I gave my ultimatum last night feels good to get the monkey off my back! Happy for you although I don't even know you.

[cocorico]

Good to hear from you WF and glad to hear things are going well.

 

Just a caution to some current OWs who may be reading this update with envy: Beating the stats might feel good - I know on our 5th wedding anniversary I also heard some witches shriek as their curse shattered - but what matters far, far more is that you're happy, and that you stay together because it's what's best for you... as all of us who've been there know only too well.

 

Whether it is easy, hard, complex with blending families or largely straightforward, there is often baggage brought into these Rs because the fMP harbours some regret for not having left the BS before starting the new R, and so some kind of counselling (IC or CC) can help, especially if you have not been overwhelmed with support from family and friends throughout the R. Keep taking care of yourself. I hope your next update is also so positive.

[WrinkledForehead]

Congrats! We have been together outside the affair for some time now and things are going well for us too. Therapy was good for us, not so much for trust issues but more because we needed to figure out how to forgive ourselves for our part in the A. Our obstacles are different from yours as our BS found out. We struggle with that dynamic Daly.

 

So happy for you and I hope that things continue to go well!!

 

He's struggled far more with the feelings of guilt than I have. I did have them, but I believe the feelings weren't nearly as intense as I entered the A unattached.

[WrinkledForehead]

Good to hear from you WF and glad to hear things are going well.

 

Just a caution to some current OWs who may be reading this update with envy: Beating the stats might feel good - I know on our 5th wedding anniversary I also heard some witches shriek as their curse shattered - but what matters far, far more is that you're happy, and that you stay together because it's what's best for you... as all of us who've been there know only too well.

 

Whether it is easy, hard, complex with blending families or largely straightforward, there is often baggage brought into these Rs because the fMP harbours some regret for not having left the BS before starting the new R, and so some kind of counselling (IC or CC) can help, especially if you have not been overwhelmed with support from family and friends throughout the R. Keep taking care of yourself. I hope your next update is also so positive.

 

Thank you for the caution. It is necessary.

 

I may add that my situation is likely not like what many on the board are experiencing in that he was committed, but not married to his ex. In addition, they neither shared a home nor children. They did have a bond of 15 years that is not to be ignored.

 

IC for both of us has been fundamental. We are also very compatible in our communication style, and even within the A. I never held back the pain or angst I felt. I chose to take my bow when it looked like he wasn't leaving. My angst is written in my old threads.

 

And lastly, yes. We are happy. We nurture our love for each other daily. We have our struggles and our R is in a stable place after much turmoil within and after the affair.

 

They are destroyers. life lesson learned.

[cocorico]

Thank you for the caution. It is necessary.

 

I may add that my situation is likely not like what many on the board are experiencing in that he was committed, but not married to his ex. In addition, they neither shared a home nor children. They did have a bond of 15 years that is not to be ignored.

 

IC for both of us has been fundamental. We are also very compatible in our communication style, and even within the A. I never held back the pain or angst I felt. I chose to take my bow when it looked like he wasn't leaving. My angst is written in my old threads.

 

And lastly, yes. We are happy. We nurture our love for each other daily. We have our struggles and our R is in a stable place after much turmoil within and after the affair.

 

They are destroyers. life lesson learned.

 

I think this (the bolded) is significant. From reading here I've noticed that those APs who are most able to express their authentic selves in the A seem to be those whose Rs go on to survive transition beyond the A. Which makes sense.

[Appreciate]

OP, you said it's been a significant life lesson.

 

Can you summarize those lessons learned?

[Popsicle]

Brief update, as I have an early class.

 

We've made it together one year after he left her. Statistics say most Rs that start as affairs don't last the year, but we made it.

 

A bit of a backstory: I was the OW in an intense affair with a CM. He had been with BW for 15 years. The A lasted 6 months, and he left her. I was on my way out of the A and it kicked him to action. I just wasn't able to handle the stress. We split for about 6 weeks this summer but never fully disentangled. That huge blowup caused us to assess the things we needed to address and fix.

 

We're both still in therapy. I've made a lot of progress regarding my insecurities and both of us have put a lot of effort into discussing and repairing our trust issues. So, our R hasn't been without it's trials.

 

I'm still so very in love with him. He's a wonderful man to have in my life and I make sure he knows that as often as possible. He's incredibly supportive of me chasing my dreams, which is fundamental, because my dreams require so much of my time and attention.

 

Anyways. The A has still been undisclosed and I am still confident that taking that route, for us, was the best course of action.

 

Much love to those of you still in it, or struggling to leave, or dealing with the loss since you left. My heart goes out to you. I do remember the turmoil the A caused. It's been a significant life lesson.

 

Happy Monday. Please take care of yourself if your heart hurts right now.

 

Best of luck to you and thank you for sharing.

[WrinkledForehead]

OP, you said it's been a significant life lesson.

 

Can you summarize those lessons learned?

 

Well, I had no idea as to the devastation that cheating causes. I've never cheated, but I definitely was part of it and witnessed the pain on all of our sides (except the ex's pain. I was only privy to my partner's words on that, and from what I've read from the BSs here. Even if ex didn't know, I'm sure my partner's behavior towards her changed. And then there's the pain of the split. I'm empathetic enough to imagine that particular damage ). There's also the lesson of what love is, and what it takes to make it last. I've done much research into marriage in general, and knowing how to sustain a partnership is very important.

[WrinkledForehead]

I think this (the bolded) is significant. From reading here I've noticed that those APs who are most able to express their authentic selves in the A seem to be those whose Rs go on to survive transition beyond the A. Which makes sense.

 

Agreed. We were able to be our authentic selves at all times. I read stories on here from women who try to pretend that the poor treatment from their MM is acceptable, and it breaks my heart. The stories of women who could only meet in cars. One phone call a day, maybe.

 

I wouldn't tolerate that. From the beginning, he knew my expectations of a partner and I expected to be treated as such, even if I was a secret for so long. Even the secret part of it has remained as something that's been addressed. I had to practice empathy towards him, because he is my partner, but I also had to make sure my needs were heard and met.

[bentleychic]

So happy to hear from you and that things worked out for you, Wrinkled.

[WrinkledForehead]

So happy to hear from you and that things worked out for you, Wrinkled.

 

Thanks, lady. How is your story going?

[bentleychic]

Thanks, lady. How is your story going?

Not well. There was a dday and his W swept it under the rug, then announced that she is not moving as he had originally hoped (supposedly) and promised. I refuse to be the OW forever and he's not willing to hurt her more or leave her at this time so I became a causality of the war that I decided to take part in.

 

We're still friends, still talk almost daily, but I have a date this weekend with a completely single guy that I am very much looking forward to meeting. If nothing else, the new guy and I will be great friends as we have SO much in common.

Edited October 7, 2014 by bentleychic

[Redheaded Mistress]

Congrats on your first anniversary! This is a great milestone and you seem like you're approaching it with a plan, careful thought, and a lot of support, introspection, and communication. I wish you many more wonderful years together!

 

I'm sure you've heard this before, but stay diligent. Keep focusing on your relationship. I'd say in our situation, the second year was the harder than the first, though I couldn't tell you why... I think maybe it was just personal circumstances, but it was a wake-up to the thought that everything would just be easy when our life together started and everybody was done with their marriages.

 

I agree, communication is so key. We wouldn't have survived if we didn't have the drive to communicate about everything, and I mean everything. I also think that the fact that neither one of us had ever had an affair before and never thought we would helped in an odd way... It meant that we didn't just fall into a fling, that something big had to be going on for us to do what we thought is unimaginable. We were commitment people, despite the affair. And when we left our marriages, we committed to each other. Nobody forced anybody to leave their spouse, there was no ultimatum... We individually chose to end our marriages AND commit to each other. Yes, we both bounced back and forth trying to find the strength to make a final choice, but when we each made our final choice, we made it, stuck with it, and we're still here today.

 

Good luck to you guys. I hope you make it and from the sounds of it, I'm sure you will.

[GoldenAxe]

Nice to hear these stories, yours too redhead.

[glowing]

Going on five years, post DDay. For us, it just keeps getting better ❤️

[WrinkledForehead]

Not well. There was a dday and his W swept it under the rug, then announced that she is not moving as he had originally hoped (supposedly) and promised. I refuse to be the OW forever and he's not willing to hurt her more or leave her at this time so I became a causality of the war that I decided to take part in.

 

We're still friends, still talk almost daily, but I have a date this weekend with a completely single guy that I am very much looking forward to meeting. If nothing else, the new guy and I will be great friends as we have SO much in common.

 

Agh. Sorry, mama. I know you loved him so and gave him so much patience.

 

I hope you're healing, and I hope you make a good friend.

[WrinkledForehead]

Congrats on your first anniversary! This is a great milestone and you seem like you're approaching it with a plan, careful thought, and a lot of support, introspection, and communication. I wish you many more wonderful years together!

 

I'm sure you've heard this before, but stay diligent. Keep focusing on your relationship. I'd say in our situation, the second year was the harder than the first, though I couldn't tell you why... I think maybe it was just personal circumstances, but it was a wake-up to the thought that everything would just be easy when our life together started and everybody was done with their marriages.

 

I agree, communication is so key. We wouldn't have survived if we didn't have the drive to communicate about everything, and I mean everything. I also think that the fact that neither one of us had ever had an affair before and never thought we would helped in an odd way... It meant that we didn't just fall into a fling, that something big had to be going on for us to do what we thought is unimaginable. We were commitment people, despite the affair. And when we left our marriages, we committed to each other. Nobody forced anybody to leave their spouse, there was no ultimatum... We individually chose to end our marriages AND commit to each other. Yes, we both bounced back and forth trying to find the strength to make a final choice, but when we each made our final choice, we made it, stuck with it, and we're still here today.

 

Good luck to you guys. I hope you make it and from the sounds of it, I'm sure you will.

 

Thank you. for the sake of respect to our relationship, and the bond he shared with her, we've kept our anniversary as the first night we actually hung out together. It would be too painful of a reminder to consider the day he left her as our beginning, you know?

 

You mentioned commitment people-- this has been an area for me to work on. Sometimes it's difficult to not look at their situation and apply some of his actions to ours. That itself has taken discussion on both of our parts and helps us to better understand each other.

 

Thanks so much for your words. It's good to read from other people who have been somewhere similar.

[Summer Breeze]

We're a few years into our post A R now. We're pretty well done with counseling but definitely know we wouldn't have made it to this point without it.

 

I think Cocorico hit on something big. When you enter into the post A R you are in essence starting a whole new R. There aren't any guarantees you'll make it just because it you had an A. It's a gamble and you have to recognize it could fail. I've been in many Rs in my life and only married 1 person. Although their is another wedding in my future now.........

 

I'm pleased for you WF and it sounds like you're both being really smart about things. Keep working at it. I'm a firm believer there are a whole lot more Rs that start from As than people want to acknowledge.

[Got it]

There is definitely an adjustment period and a change in the relationship after the affair. While many things stay the same, other areas change. It is the ability to come back to the center, regroup, recommit, and move it forward that makes or breaks the partnership. How well each individual works as a team or independent individuals that determines one's success.

 

It hasn't been easy and definitely a struggle at times but we are years past the affair and it really stops being a focal piece of the relationship. Over time it just falls to the background. At one point it defined so much of the relationship but that changes and diminishes significantly. I am sure after many years it becomes nonexistent.

[Sub]

I'm a firm believer there are a whole lot more Rs that start from As than people want to acknowledge.

 

Probably, yes. Whether it's a whole lot or a little more wouldn't change the fact that it's still a vast minority, IMO. I think you can be secure in how your R started - whether it was through an A as opposed to being singles - without concern for being an outlier. There's nothing wrong with being in the minority in some cases, especially if all parties involved are better off in the long run.

 

There's an interesting thread in infidelity about a guy looking at his wedding photo and realizing how many people in his family started relationships as A's, and then got married. So there's that. Of course, some people like that just rinse and repeat and go on to three or four marriages. (I have two aunts in that scenario.)

[Summer Breeze]

Probably, yes. Whether it's a whole lot or a little more wouldn't change the fact that it's still a vast minority, IMO. I think you can be secure in how your R started - whether it was through an A as opposed to being singles - without concern for being an outlier. There's nothing wrong with being in the minority in some cases, especially if all parties involved are better off in the long run.

 

There's an interesting thread in infidelity about a guy looking at his wedding photo and realizing how many people in his family started relationships as A's, and then got married. So there's that. Of course, some people like that just rinse and repeat and go on to three or four marriages. (I have two aunts in that scenario.)

 

I've never been concerned about being in a minority or a majority in all honesty

I read that thread earlier today and have to say it made me very happy DMM and I had plenty of counseling.

[TwoTowns]

I have been away from this forum for a little while but I am also now in a committed, legitimate relationship with my former AP. I agree with everything other posters said about the turmoil these situations cause for all those involved, and that is my chief regret. I should have divorced BEFORE entering into this relationship. However, I know that my decision to divorce - and my former AP's decision to end his relationship - was the best one for all those involved.

Now my children will have a chance to see me with a man who truly loves me, in a relationship where emotional and verbal abuse do not regularly take place.

For the first time in a long time, I am living authentically.