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How long did it take for you to feel indifference


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Lovelysweet2

I am angry, but also in a stage of grief, grief that I made the choice to allow a man who utterly destroyed me once (long story and too much info) to enter my life again. I do not understand his need to keep adding this to my life. I was in delusion that the longer it went on and that we came together again, it would mean something, make meaning to our decision to do this. I am not in pain or grief over this man not loving me, but for how much I have destroyed in myself. I have felt all day like I am in a haze, a screen in front of my eyes, very difficult to explain, but at the same time every fiber in my body is extra sensitive to all other senses, the sun, the night, the cold, sounds of the wind, rustling of the leaves. Dull, numb, but such sensitivity.

I really need indifference. How long has that taken for you? Did it ever come about? I do not wish to hold on to this misery.

I am not going to jump into dating, not because I would not be interested and compare them to MM, as others have advised, there is nothing to compare, but because I think I may over value all the great qualities that are offered in a normal relationship, and I do not wish to settle. They may be much better, but that is because they are normal, but it does not mean that person is right for me.

I know this may not make any sense to anyone. I cannot really make much sense of it myself. Thank you for listening.

I feel so hollow.

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Temporarilyinsane

I'm sorry you're having a difficult night, hugs. I'm struggling to reach indifference as well, I have good days and bad days and just hope that the good days become more frequent. I've also decided not to date even though I have friends telling me the best thing to do is get back on the horse so to speak because I don't trust myself to choose well or if I do happen to get lucky to be healthy enough to accept it.

 

I've never cried so much in my life, even through a divorce. I just keep trying to remember I will get through this and be stronger for it and that I'm better off without him.

 

Take it moment by moment, breath, cry, sleep. Tomorrow is a new day

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Lovelysweet2

Thank you for your kind response, sometimes it just helps, words, to know another is going through something similar to you.

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Indifference would be such a welcome relief. I alternate between anger and sadness right now. Both are exhausting and consuming emotions. I'm so tired. I would embrace indifference.

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You will get there, just give it time.

 

Try writing him a letter, but do NOT send it. Get all your thoughts and emotions out. Then, print it and burn it. Do not give him the control over you any longer. Put him where he belongs, in the past.

 

Best of luck.

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Lovelysweet2

Thanks! I am ok. I utterly hate the man:coward. No need for a letter. I never want to see him again, maybe, only, if by some chance it was a news article that a fully contained cement truck back up over him, although highly unlikely, he is in a highly professional field, no cement trucks around. Kidding aside (well I think) I will be ok, and the hate is ok too. You all, all of you, have helped. Thank you.

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eye of the storm

lovelysweet2, This is not in regards to my MM, but with my ExH it took a few years. We couldn't go NC since we have kids. And I was so angry for so long. Then I just got tired of being angry. Thats when i became indifferent. I realized that being angry at him was giving him power over me and I was just so tired of thinking of him. We actually get along better now that I'm indifferent to him. And I know that I am happier and calmer.

 

good luck finding peace

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I ended things with my exMM a few months ago and I am already mostly in the indifferent stage. I say mostly because there are some days I get triggered and get upset, but they are few and far between now.

 

I did a lot of grieving during the A, so by the time I was out, I was 100% mentally ready to be out.

 

The reason these things take so long to process is because the lesson is such an important one, and it goes very deep into the depths of who we are. If being involved in a parasitic relationship were no biggie, it would only feel like a minor oopsie. Instead, it feels like the worst possible emotional hell ever. That kind of pain is guaranteed to get your attention, and, if you do the work to heal and self-reflect, ensure you NEVER, EVER go there again. A good place to be with it is grateful for the lesson. And grateful for your freedom!

 

Give yourself time and forgive yourself. Right now the best thing you can do is treat yourself with kindness and love.

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Someday, you might also forgive your exMM (because he is a flawed human on a journey too), which DOES NOT mean forget, and you will really, really be free. That process can take a looooong time, but when it happens it will bring you an incredible sense of peace.

 

Right now, the hurt and anger serve a very important purpose. When that purpose has been met, you can let all of it go and just move on.

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Hi :)

 

I was in a 2 year affair. I broke up 8 months ago. After 7 months feeling pain and mostly anger (not directed at him though - I went LC, then NC), indifference has started to take over and it's what I feel mostly now - although still sickened by his behaviour, and probably will always be.

 

I think a crucial turning point is this trip I took alone last month. It helped me see things from a different perspective, do things that I love and basically get in touch again with who I was. And guess what, this trip alone was much better than any trip in paradisiac places I ever had with him.

 

Maybe you should do something like that - but not now though, it's too soon and you could fall into depression. I mean, I had my moments there too. I would think about him. But mostly it was good, and empowering.

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Lovelysweet2

I hope to get where you all are! I have too much pride, and do not care regardless, affair, married, dating, if we were married 20 years, 6 kids, I will not put up with a man's crap. I will leave 'em. This was the large problem between us, huge problem. He had cheated on his wife long before me, and his wife stays. She tells him it is the last time and she will be gone if he does it again each and every time.They must be a match made in heaven. We are not a match. I will not put up with being treated with disregard, badly. I now look at it, as it simply did not work out. F'ck him.

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I hope to get where you all are! I have too much pride, and do not care regardless, affair, married, dating, if we were married 20 years, 6 kids, I will not put up with a man's crap. I will leave 'em. This was the large problem between us, huge problem. He had cheated on his wife long before me, and his wife stays. She tells him it is the last time and she will be gone if he does it again each and every time.They must be a match made in heaven. We are not a match. I will not put up with being treated with disregard, badly. I now look at it, as it simply did not work out. F'ck him.

 

Way to talk! This is one inspiring post and I can totally identify with it. You're so much better than what he had to offer. And we're all right behind you :)

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Lovelysweet2
Way to talk! This is one inspiring post and I can totally identify with it. You're so much better than what he had to offer. And we're all right behind you :)

 

Thank you. It is not difficult. I took the time to look back on all of it this weekend, and boy it was bright once the fog lifted. Plus, the stress of the last few days has caused me to catch a nasty cold. He physically and emotionally has made me ill. No more.

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They must be a match made in heaven. We are not a match. I will not put up with being treated with disregard, badly. I now look at it, as it simply did not work out. F'ck him.

 

He physically and emotionally has made me ill. No more.

 

I am standing up and clapping to this. Just because his wife has accepted being a doormat does not mean that you need to accept it. Your words ring with incredible strength. Thank you for sharing this with all of us that are healing :love:

 

Oh, and sorry about that cold. These relationships definitely degrade one's health!

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I really need indifference. How long has that taken for you? Did it ever come about? I do not wish to hold on to this misery.

 

With unfinished business, a couple of years.

 

Years later, with business finished after another iteration, it happened quite rapidly. For myself, clarity (seeing the various aspects of the relationship clearly and accepting them) was key to reaching indifference in a more rapid manner, measured in months rather than years.

 

IMO, it all depends upon the emotional attachment. If strong and long-lived, more processing so more time. If more superficial and brief, less processing and less time. Not much different than any other relationship. The pivotal part, for myself anyway, was finishing business and seeing that clearly. Good luck!

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Not gonna lie, for me it's as soon as I meet a new man that I'm attracted to.

That may not happen for a long time or short time but that's it.

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Lovelysweet2
Not gonna lie, for me it's as soon as I meet a new man that I'm attracted to.

That may not happen for a long time or short time but that's it.

 

It takes me a long time to warm up to someone. I have a couple of great prospects who are sweet and kind and hopefully sometime in the future I can engage past friendship. I have to start loving myself again.

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Took several years before I felt complete and total indifference, to the point where I know the door isn't even open a crack now.

Actually, it helped me to FB stalk his daughters, because they posted pics of the whole family together on camping trips, weekend trips etc and then it was so real to me that he wasn't really "living in the garage". It all became real that he was living a real life w someone else, and lying to me and I was the one not living and pining away for someone who only gave me a fraction of his life and I finally finally let go.

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Yes SunSetRed, I looked too, and they place likes together, she calls him her love, it was what I needed to see to know the BS he fed me that they were like business partners etc., was indeed bull.

I feel anger, it is subsiding.

I was asked on a date for Saturday, a nice dinner!!! A beautiful package, but I am not sure if I am ready. It seems things come so unexpectedly, and I wish it was a little further down the road.

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My 'relationship' ended in January after 4 on and off years.

 

The pain I felt was awful but I knew that I had to stick it out this time and not go back.

 

What really got me over him was when 2 months ago I found out that he met someone 6 weeks after we split.!!!!

 

Haha love of his life, I now feel nothing for him and hope to never see him again. It took me a while to get over feeling stupid and wishing I had not wasted 4 years of my life waiting and listening to his B**l****.

 

Clarity and self respect has returned to my life and I moving on with hope and happiness. I wish you the same xx

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My 'relationship' ended in January after 4 on and off years.

 

The pain I felt was awful but I knew that I had to stick it out this time and not go back.

 

What really got me over him was when 2 months ago I found out that he met someone 6 weeks after we split.!!!!

 

Haha love of his life, I now feel nothing for him and hope to never see him again. It took me a while to get over feeling stupid and wishing I had not wasted 4 years of my life waiting and listening to his B**l****.

 

Clarity and self respect has returned to my life and I moving on with hope and happiness. I wish you the same xx

 

I love your post! Thank you. I have to protect myself, especially from the pain, the emotions. I hope to get to your place, hope and happiness. I also know he will move on quickly, he may already have had more OW, I refuse to react to that thought. I am better than it. If I cannot trust or feel someone is putting in effort, I have to move on.

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I don't think I will ever reach indifference. But I have reached acceptance. Took 3 years. Acceptance of the fact no matter how much he loves me and how strong we are connected, he refuses to go through another divorce. He chooses to stay in a civil, yet empty marriage. His 2nd divorce was wicked and he lost a lot. He said never again ... that he'd made his bed and would now lie in it. I've accepted that and will live with the hole in my heart.

 

Indifference? Maybe one day I will be surprised and find I am there. Maybe acceptance leads to indifference, but I am a "slow" when it comes to dealing with him. I'm happy for y'all who have reached this phase.

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